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Old 06-22-2017, 10:11 AM
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Asking for advice

Because of other posts I am thinking maybe too hard Hopefully what I quoted in another post is below.

I have fought major depression, panic, anxiety almost all my 50+ years and only seems to get worse. Though everyone keeps saying it will get better. For quite a few years isolation and avoiding, only with IOP and 2 stints on suicide watch did I start to really see what I was doing. I am trying to hard to move forward. But I let people in my head. If you are strong willed and confident I will either give in (though it is good to be open to others views) or shut down. I really don't want to do this anymore. I feel very selfish and self centered because of my fears. How do you keep others people advice or heck just words, looks or even actions from affecting you? How do you know if you are on the right path?

I will say I am back to day 2. I was unsure if I had a problem because I never hit bottom. I can see and know it or the benzos they want to give me are, for me, escapes. Yet the pain of panic is just as real (as I am sure those with chronic PA’s understand.) I don't want that. It does scare me and I now see its about every 10 or so days. Usually I am just so tired of challenging the fears and getting out and doing things. Normal things other find easy. (That adds to the feeling of being more pathetic)

In my mind, because of my peer supports suggestion of journaling, I see it is not a good option and will only get harder to quit. From so many posts I see how progressive it is. Lets see how I feel 7 days from now when I meet the Voc. Rehab person who I let in my head. (I don't have to see her. It’s my choice because I don't want to avoid or shut down. But her way is not going to work for me. Lets see if I can actually stand up to her and say that. Likely I will just cave. Because something in me says see is right.) Dang, yet I have probably 6 to 8 people who have seen my progress, although slow, progress, who support me. At least half of these are professionals. I was moving forward at my own pace, with support. Lots of fear but support too. I just don't want to go backwards.

My brain is overwhelmed and I hope this makes sense.
I …
Want to live happy and positive (no not always, but realistically, and see the blessings in my life)
Want to have some peace
Want to believe in myself (but not be selfish)
Want to find what I am good at in this world and return
Want to get rid of this overwhelming fear

I also wish I could be more precise.


Originally Posted by SimplyE View Post
…I have recently shut down again an am isolating. I think a lot of people (not all) but a lot of people here are likely Highly Sensitive. I am for sure and working on it. It was 2 weeks ago I went to get help at Voc. rehab and although I have lots of people telling the path I was on was good and to keep taking baby steps, I let this person into my head. I am supposed to forget taking college classes, forget slowly doing volunteer work, forget slowly getting out for coffee and church now and then.

I am to work or volunteer full time and keep up with all of life's regular issues and if I want take night class on top of that because “that is reality.”

The group I have been working with has encouraged the small steps and the classes because it was leading me to a productive life. I was slowly moving forward, maybe not her way but slowly back. (likely even a grant for the classes) so why do I let her get to me. Because somewhere deep inside me, my core belief is that I should be perfect. Work full time, volunteer many hours, go to support groups, belong to a church, learn a musical instrument, run daily, always eat healthy, be a happy positive person and not always see the negative and knock myself. (Okay this I do want to be happy and positive) Oye Vay the list goes on. No wonder I shut down. I am not accomplishing any of these by the way. No, not true. I am very slowly starting to reach out. Even during this I did sign up for 2 classes and I did go to the Clubhouse and I did volunteer and I did meet people for coffee. Okay, not a lot, not even close to enough in her book but it took all I had to do these things. I am trying so hard to use emotional regulation skills and CBT and counseling and baby steps. For the rest of the day I give myself permission to stay in and rest. (not isolate, rest) Tomorrow I already have 3 things set up so I will not isolate.

I guess I am rambling and I am not sure where I am going with this but I do know the change has to come from within me. We all see the world from our own history which sometimes makes it hard not to take things personally. We all come from our own places as I am sure the Voc. Rehab person did. I am sure in their own way they were trying to help. I do want to thank you because you have giving me a lot of good “food for thought” I guess I don't want to make other peoples reality my reality. So much to think about and work on. Much thanks.
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Old 06-22-2017, 10:15 AM
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oops

Last edited by SimplyE; 06-22-2017 at 10:15 AM. Reason: trying to figure out
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Old 06-22-2017, 12:03 PM
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SimplyE-

Don't be too hard on yourself. There isn't a right way or a wrong way to do things. It can vary day to day how you feel. We do all move at different paces.
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Old 06-22-2017, 03:52 PM
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For a long time, I felt I was almost bullied into things by my passivity and that made me do the least amount of work possible on things as some kind of silent resentment protest.

Ultimately that wasn't good or healthy for me.

Learning to speak up and risk conflict was a HUGE step for me - it took a while.

But...I really believe we need to be in the drivers seat for our own recovery

If you're feeling pressured or unsure about what you're being advised or suggested to do, why not write down your concerns - or print out your posts here - and deliver them to this person that way?

Oh and for what it's worth my posts here were my journal - it helped me a lot

D
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