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frustrated by lack of empathy

Old 06-22-2017, 05:36 AM
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frustrated by lack of empathy

I have to say this is one of if not my biggest issue with people.
I realize I am codependent and tend to attract problematic and abusive people and I need to work on that. But, I am still going to be a highly empathetic caring person. Maybe it's just me, but I find most people to have no empathy. I could give you a 100 examples but here are a few.
I had just had my dog put to sleep and I went to the convenience store I go to every day and chat with the lady who works there. I told her I just had my dog put to sleep. She's a huge dog lover and we chat about our pets...she said absolutely nothing in response...
After my dad died I called a friend who had always inquired how my dad was doing and even knew my dad...when I called to say he died all he said is "so what else is going on?"
When an old boyfriend recently called to catch up, we chit chatted for a while and I told him I was really concerned about my health from drinking so much. His response.."well if you are sick, you did this to your self and I have no sympathy"
I find all of this so utterly shocking and don't understand people... how hard is it to show empathy...????
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Old 06-22-2017, 05:45 AM
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I have no excuses for the ex boyfriend but for the other 2 some people simply don't know what to say when there is a death. I don't. I always feel like anything I say cannot convey the sadness I feel for someone.
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Old 06-22-2017, 06:06 AM
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I think that sometimes people just don't know what to say when told of a death.
I hate to sound like an old crank--which I am, but that's not the point--but it seems to me at times that manners have gone extinct.
I was taught to say that I was sorry for the loss, or even a simple I'm sorry when informed that someone had died.
I am very sorry for all of your losses.
Keep reaching out. We are here.
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Old 06-22-2017, 06:12 AM
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sometimes ive baan faced with sudden news from someone and dont know what to say. that doesnt mean i dont have empathy or manners. it just means i dont know what to say and best for me to not say anything and just listen.
theres times,too, when others have their own problems they are going through
truly sorry to read of the passing of your dog. they are a gift from God and the best companion ive ever had.
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Old 06-22-2017, 06:38 AM
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I am so sorry for the death of your dog. Some people don't know how to react to such sad news.
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Old 06-22-2017, 06:38 AM
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Thank you for the responses and honest opinions..and if that's how most people are , then it explains a lot as over the last 8 years I have dealt with back to back terminal illnesses of both my parents and also 3 pets...I feel like people treat me like I am contagious. After I had my last dog put to sleep, some one said I should just put my self down.
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Old 06-22-2017, 06:40 AM
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So sorry for your losses.
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Old 06-22-2017, 07:01 AM
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I think this might not be the best place for me on this forum although I'm not sure where is... ? I can't relate to people on here who have people in their lives who love them but need to be on here or go to meetings etc... I only started drinking because I have absolutely no one in the world who cares about me...and still don't but now at least I am taking supplements to make my brain healthy so that I can handle my self...
Thanks to every one and good luck!
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Old 06-22-2017, 07:11 AM
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Originally Posted by captainkitty View Post
I think this might not be the best place for me on this forum
You've been sober 4 days. Don't believe everything you think.

I can't do anything about other people's levels of empathy, but I have a significant amount of influence over my frustration.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!
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Old 06-22-2017, 07:19 AM
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Originally Posted by captainkitty View Post
I think this might not be the best place for me on this forum although I'm not sure where is... ?
If you have no one, you definitely need SR, if only for support on your journey to get sober.

I know nothing about you except what you tell us. And I say this with trepidation because you seem in a fragile state and very vulnerable to hurt. But your perception of yourself is at odds with your situation. You describe yourself as caring and empathetic. Yet have no one who cares. No one in your life it seems, at all. All the caring, empathetic people I know attract people by virtue of those qualities. It's one thing to say you are caring. How is that caring expressed in your living?

Yesterday you said you've been alone for five years. That seems counter to the personality traits you see in yourself.

I hope you stay sober and I hope you seek therapeutic help for the areas in your life that would benefit from professional care.
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Old 06-22-2017, 07:29 AM
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I am very sorry for the loss of your beloved dog, and your other terrible losses.
I agree with others, sometimes people don't know what to say in the face of death, although I think your friend was just unkind, to say the least.

It is very difficult to feel alone. I do have friends and family, but they are busy with their own stuff and are not always available, so I think I understand what you may be feeling. I'm working on learning to be resilient, to cope alone, make decisions alone, and to practice self love. It's a work in progress, but it is doable in sobriety.
SR is a wonderful place. I hope you may decide to stay. Best wishes.
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Old 06-22-2017, 07:41 AM
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I feel incredibly provoked by a comment. Dragon something. Can't see the name through my tears bur you are EXACTLY the type of person I am referring to with no empathy and to question my own empathy with out knowing much about me...I have taken care of so many others in my life and always look out for people.
Definitely off this site thanks to your comment.
Think I will just go take my boat out by my self.
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Old 06-22-2017, 07:59 AM
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I'm furious at this dragon person questioning my empathy...I worried for hours last night about a young girl who posted. . Bulimic, chugging vodka, on meds that clearly are Making things worse...clearly in distress and all people can say is see a doctor...
I am off here!!!!
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Old 06-22-2017, 08:13 AM
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A big part of recovery for me has been learning that I can't control other people's behavior, and if they fail to meet my expectations, the problem is usually with my expectations, not with their behavior.
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Old 06-22-2017, 08:17 AM
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what do you want us to say,captiankitty?

running away from here isnt going to help you.
captiankitty, running away is letting other people live rent free in your head and control you, something i did for YEARS.
it never helped.
early recovery is a very sensitive time. it requires some uncomrtable feelings and emotions. running from them doesnt help.
stick around,eh?
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Old 06-22-2017, 08:26 AM
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Originally Posted by captainkitty View Post
I'm furious at this dragon person questioning my empathy
Their opinion of you is on them.
Your fury over their opinion is on you.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.
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Old 06-22-2017, 08:37 AM
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Thanks for the kind responses and wish every one the best on their journey...I'm looking at my problem from a different angle...my brain, my nervous system, my hormones are totally out of whack fom drinking....I have No one who cares about me...that is a reality...all I can do is repair my body and brain to function as well as it can
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Old 06-22-2017, 08:39 AM
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I find that a lot of the time that when I'm angry or upset at someone else for how I think they should or shouldn't be behaving, it helps to look at myself. Of course that's not at all easy to do, but when I can manage it, I learn something about me. Sometimes I'm pointing the finger at something that's in me that I can't or won't see.

Another thing that helps is when I can remember that any time I'm upset, there's something wrong with me and I need to look at what that is. Often it's as simple as having an expectation about something.

I couldn't learn to be happy, let alone stay sober until I began to examine myself and learn to change my thoughts and views about the world around me. Without that, I was just fighting everyone and everything. A very unhappy and miserable place to be.

Stick around. I found that stopping drinking was only the beginning.
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Old 06-22-2017, 08:41 AM
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Hi Captainkitty, like the name by the way. I am glad you posted because I have recently shut down again an am isolating. I think a lot of people (not all) but a lot of people here are likely Highly Sensitive. I am for sure and working on it. It was 2 weeks ago I went to get help at Voc. rehab and although I have lots of people telling the path I was on was good and to keep taking baby steps, I let this person into my head. I am supposed to forget taking college classes, forget slowly doing volunteer work, forget slowly getting out for coffee and church now and then.

I am to work or volunteer full time and keep up with all of life's regular issues and if I want take night class on top of that because “that is reality.”

The group I have been working with has encouraged the small steps and the classes because it was leading me to a productive life. I was slowly moving forward, maybe not her way but slowly back. (likely even a grant for the classes) so why do I let her get to me. Because somewhere deep inside me, my core belief is that I should be perfect. Work full time, volunteer many hours, go to support groups, belong to a church, learn a musical instrument, run daily, always eat healthy, be a happy positive person and not always see the negative and knock myself. (Okay this I do want to be happy and positive) Oye Vay the list goes on. No wonder I shut down. I am not accomplishing any of these by the way. No, not true. I am very slowly starting to reach out. Even during this I did sign up for 2 classes and I did go to the Clubhouse and I did volunteer and I did meet people for coffee. Okay, not a lot, not even close to enough in her book but it took all I had to do these things. I am trying so hard to use emotional regulation skills and CBT and counseling and baby steps. For the rest of the day I give myself permission to stay in and rest. (not isolate, rest) Tomorrow I already have 3 things set up so I will not isolate.

I guess I am rambling and I am not sure where I am going with this but I do know the change has to come from within me. We all see the world from our own history which sometimes makes it hard not to take things personally. We all come from our own places as I am sure the Voc. Rehab person did. I am sure in their own way they were trying to help. I do want to thank you because you have giving me a lot of good “food for thought” I guess I don't want to make other peoples reality my reality. So much to think about and work on. Much thanks.
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Old 06-22-2017, 08:42 AM
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I'm on my boat and have my good glasses on...the person who upset me is doggonecarl. Not dragon something lol..
This place is just not for me folks...
Fair winds and following seas
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