I can't do this anymore. I surrender.
 

Hello,

I posted back about a year or two ago when I first joined this forum. Basically back then was 24,25 years old and had been drinking 6-12 beers daily on a daily basis since March of 2011. I stopped a while as I was visting this site, and like an idiot, stopped visiting this site then I relapsed.

My alcoholism took a turn for the worse earlier this year. In March, I was drunk driving and I fell asleep behind the wheel. Arrested for DWI in my state of New York. Since then, I got a plea deal offered to reduce the charge to spare me of a criminal record, and have been attending a twice a week DWI program at a outpatient treatment program that focuses on people like me with similar issues.

Unfortunately, I found a way to be an idiot and I got aorund the system. Get drug tested every monday so would go and out get loaded every wednesday and Thursday. Have not been caught doing it, but what's happening recently has made me officially give up.

I'm tired of getting drunk. I've balooned to 231 pounds and 5 foot 10. I was initially 205 at this height. I need to lose weight. It has been hard for me to take summer classes and my memory feels shot. I now feel dumb the day after drinking (frequently get black outs) and like my brain is mush. My anxiety is high. I can't concentrate. My heart pounds out of its chest. I smoke cigarettes when I drink. My skin looks older, redder and I feel it is wearing my body down mentally.

Today, June 21st, 2017 is the day I am forever done with drinking and I mean it for real this time. I got a medical test last month 3 days after my last binge and my AST was 37 (under 40) and ALT was 30 (under 35 so OK). I would assume from this my liver is OK, but won't be for long if I keep this up.

I will never touch a drop of alcohol again. I just took a computer programming midterm for my summer programming class in NYC and my brain felt shot the entire time thanks to last night. I also feel anxious and like I'm in a daze. This alcohol is messing me up. I'm done for good and I will post here every time I feel weak and want to go back.

Please help me. I know I have a problem. I know I should have learned wtih my DWI. Being that my blood work was OK last month I assume I would be ok (per pending I don't keep drinking) and that my body will heal over time at 26. I'm also looking forward to the alcohol free days and the weight loss hear comes off over time as you stay sober.

I feel dumb and hung over still as I write this. But I've had it. When I drink I go into a spiral depression and thinking about killing myself- feeling like a failure as a senior in college in undergrad at 26. I work a low end retail job to make some extra bucks. But one thing is clear. I will not have a successful life, have a family, make lots of money if I keep drinking.

Today is day one, and I feel scared, powerless, helpless and like my brain is mush. But I hope things get better and I'll do whatever it takes.

Knowing alcohol is bad on the body, I'm taking a high dose of Milk Thistle that I bought today and 200MG of a B Vitamin complex I bought at CVS. Figured this should help me in my recovery.

Any advice? Is this normal to feel this way? I'm terrified to live life currently and I've had enough of being a drunk.

Welcome and I'm glad you know you need and want to stop drinking.

It's normal to be scared to face a life of sobriety, but know for sure that you can do this. It's likely that you will need to make changes in your life in order to support your recovery. Do you have a plan for how you will stop drinking and stay sober and recover? We are here for you.

For now I intend to go to my DWI support group weekly and take it seriously, try to start going to the gym, modify my diet, stay away from alcohol. Try to think about new things instead of alcohol, be a book work so I can get as great grades as possible, and reach out on here.

Its pretty normal to feel the way you do when the wounds are still fresh. Generally that will fade and the AV will be back trying to convince you that this time it will be different. It won't. It'll be the same drunken mess with all the anxiety and fog the next day. You're young and should be able to make a full recovery. Stay close to SR, lots of good people here to help you and congrats on a wise decision.

Good luck on your journey. Here when you need us.

Welcome back, good on you for coming back.
To me it sounds fairly normal of what most of us have gone through when we decide to quit.
Our brains and bodies are resilient even after long periods of self-abuse (not to use this as a reason to keep using). But continuing on the sobriety path and choosing to live a healthier lifestyle will make a world of difference.

It will get better. You will find you're not alone if you join up with the June Class thread.

I also suggest you look up making yourself a recovery plan. What are you going to do differently this time to help keep yourself on the right path?

We're here for you, I've no doubt you can get back control of your life this time :)

Welcome back TM! :) Glad you're giving it another go. Come here often to post and read. Lots of support here. :hug:

Interesting wording..'I surrender'. I am not an AA zealot, but the first 'step' is to admit powerlessness over drinking alcohol. Also 'willing to go to any lengths' to stop drinking. Seeing as your thinking is that way inclined- perhaps for support- going to AA meetings and finding a sponsor (a guide if you will) may help you. It is like FREE therapy. I do AA and have a sponsor- if nothing else it gets me out of my isolation and socialising. Also I learn stuff. Food for thought..

I'm sorry for what brings you back but I'm glad you made it TM :)

I really can't recommend making a recovery plan too highly - some great ideas here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

Welcome back! 26 is a great age to start over and begin recovery. It sounds like you are determined and willing to do whatever it takes to change. Getting a DWI should reinforce your decision, as it's likely that if you continue on the path you were on, another DWI will follow.

Stay close to SR, put together a solid recovery plan and do not drink...no matter how loud your AV is screaming. Before you know it you will be feeling yourself again and life will start looking bright.

Best of luck on your journey!

TM - It's so good that you've made this life changing decision at such a young age. You sound determined & ready to let go of it. You'll never have the dangerous & damaging things happen that many of us have. Congrats on deciding to turn your life around.

You're making the right call to do this now. The newness of it will fade and become more comfortable, but do think about changing up your routine some. Like so many others here, I've added exercise into my day, as well as woodworking to keep my hands and mind busy. You're toyotaman -- maybe there's a project truck/car in your future?

TM - everything you are feeling is normal. I'm also going to recommend you check out AA, because you used the word surrender and have indicated you are willing to do whatever it takes. I had tried to quit several times on my own, but after DUI #3 (!!!) I finally gave in and realized my way wasn't working. I started going to AA and also went to outpatient treatment. It's working - I have a little over 2 and a half years sober now and can't really even imagine ever drinking again. Don't be like me - don't get 3 DUI's before you get a handle on this. Trust me - going to jail isn't fun, and I'll have that on my record forever (still a misdemeanor in my state, but still - doesn't look real great.)

Hows it going ToyotaMan? :)

D

Hi Toyota Man,

I am a VW man myself, but that's ok. I was a problem drinker at 26 but with good bloodwork like you. Now I am 32. My last blood test was elevated ALT. It didn't stop me for long. I have been in SR on and off for 2 years. I have tried and failed and been up and down. I am now on day 5, but something is clicking. I know, though, I can never let my guard down or change my mind. I can't coast.

Try your hardest to quit for good, right now. You are in such a great spot to do it.

Succeed or fail, though, keep coming here!! It will pick you up or lift you up higher, whichever you'll need.

I was terrified 13 days ago.
Being sober and staying sober IS doable.
There is life without alcohol.
A whole new world, in fact.
Stay close to this board.
Read , read, read as much as you can from everyone . You can learn so much here and everyone is here to support you on your way.
Have a good solid plan for when you feel like you want to have a drink.
Good luck to you and congrats on your decision to live a sober life!! ☺