Hello, I'm Lisa
 

My name is lisa, I am a 58 year alcoholic, druggie, excuse maker, procrastinator, irresponsible, well you get the picture. My drinking history lasted from about 14 until 7 years ago. My drinking habits got increasingly worse and the final years were spent drinking alone after work till I passed out, again the next day. I drank daily and soon was on the edge of no return. I had lost everything, marriage, thank God I had the sense to have my boys father parent them when my world was collapsing around me. Today I know it was the right thing to do. I became an embarrassment to my kids. My story is about as ugly as it gets. 2 dui's, next one I go to prison.
I barely hung on to my job, showering seemed to become less important as time went on. I was a small town drunk. Thank God I did most of my drunken sleeping around out of town. I could fill pages with all the bad.
But that is not why I need to speak today.
I am sober, my kids have forgiven me. But our relationship is nothing like it should be. I'm being patient.
I have a respectable job that requires trust, I shower daily, well you get the picture again.

I have allowed people that decided that I was a bad person and always will be to affect how I feel about myself. I was confronted on an issue I have avoided dealing with this morning. My reaction was... Yeah but ... This town is hard to live in, I was almost crazy...you don't understand . On and on.... He looked me square in the eyes and said... I don't buy it, get it done.
I have been looking within all day. Why have I hit this wall of getting over the last hurdle of recovery. Then it came to me. I let others hurt me because I haven't forgiven myself. Through all the good I have done, all the work to not only get sober but lead a happy free life, it's seemed everytime I felt wonderful I found a reason to blame others in this town for how I felt.
Now I see it isn't them. It's all me. I have to realize that my boys going to live with their dad was the most selfless act I did in my life. They would not be the young men they are today if I had raised them in the shape I was in. To the people that judge me for that decision and many others I made back in my dark days.....it wasn't you making me feel shame. It was me all along. Funny how I could forgive others for things but I could give myself the same grace. Today and every day after this will be my quest. When those lousy thoughts come creeping in I will forgive myself. Love myself for the person I have become. Be kinder to myself and remind myself I do deserve to be happy.
I do deserve to some day be in a relationship, I am not broken. I do not have to carry my heavy baggage on my back any longer. My experiences have shaped who I am today. Today I am a sober, kind, empathic, helpful, sometimes happy and quick to laugh. Luckily I do not have to fight the urge to drink. I accept that I can't. So instead of playing the negatives, I will replace them with my reality.
I know it won't be overnight, but each day will get easier and soon I will be on the other side. I will be free to continue growing, continue finding my place in this world. I know it's there and how it feels because I have had glimpses of it. I will fight for myself.
Lengthy letter, but I had to say it out loud somewhere. I'd also like to stay in this forum and be amongst my own kind.
Thank you for lustening

Wow that's an amazing post. It it so difficult to forgive oneself...... something I have not yet managed myself so am not in a position to offer you any advice. But well done on turning your life around xx

Lusa, FANTASTIC, congratulations, rootin for ya. :egypt:
http://item.shopping.c.yimg.jp/i/g/k...rose09satou-36

Thank you both
 

An emotional day. But a very good day. I know I'm going to be okay now. Thanks so much for listening.

Hi and welcoem Lisa :)

Yeah one of the important lessons recovery gave me was that other people will tend to treat me the way I treat myself.

I'm glad you're working things out :)

D

Welcome, Lisa :grouphug:

You have an amazing story and it is still unfolding. Your post is honest, insightful and heartfelt.

I hope to see you around :grouphug:

Great to meet you, Lisa. So sorry for the painful things that've happened in your life.

I carried the same weight for years. It led me back to drinking a few times. Guilt & regret are useless. Being remorseful is fine if it helps us stay on track - but not if it eats away at us until there's nothing left. Drinking turned me into a bizarre distortion of myself. I forgave her, but I'm so glad she's gone. :)

:thanks

I do understand how difficult it is to forgive ourselves. And, I think it's especially difficult for mothers to forgive themselves regarding their children. I'm glad you are finding compassion for yourself. I would add that I had to be careful who I allowed into my life. I will no longer allow people in my life who put me down.

:grouphug::c011::tyou

Thank you so much
 

I can't tell you how it feels to be with people who know. I'm so glad I found all of you.
I will never try to go it alone again.

Thank you so much for sharing this and welcome. I've been struggling this week with letting those negative memories get to me and this post is helpful Hugs!

Welcome, Lisa.

Hugs to you also. Thank you so much.

That's a great post! Awesome job!

Welcome Lisa. Thank you for your post.

How nice to wake up this morning to look in the mirror and know that I am not going to hide today. All I have to do is get through today without beating myself up silly. Experience has shown me that I do much better one day at a time.

I've already made one phone call I needed to make and will make the second one tonight.

It is becoming clear my biggest mistake I've made is to fall away from a support system.
With years into sobriety I suddenly became to busy and made excuses why I didn't need to make the time to continue my meetings.
Good quality sobriety I believe now is difficult alone, for me anyways. My issues of self loathing could have been addressed much earlier had I not fallen away.
But I will not use this for a reason to feel horrible about myself. I will learn the lesson and not isolate myself again.
I cannot fix what I cannot understand and talk about.
So today I have hope and a lighter heart than I did yesterday.
Not only do I owe it to myself to stay connected with others and continually identifying issues when they come up. But I also owe it to the newly sober so that hopefully someone, even if it is one person learns from my mistakes.
I did not get sober alone, it was with the help from those that came before me.
Thank you.
I've been looking around on this site and it is amazing. I have never seen such an informative supportive site as this one. I am so lucky I landed here.

Well, from your, once again, insightful post, I would say SR is lucky you landed here!

I made the mistake of not keeping a sober support when I got sober the first time, many years ago. I won't make that mistake again!

SR really is an amazing place, isn't it?

:grouphug:

:tyou Your posts are touching and hit home for me! :c011:

bigs hugs from Wisconsin Lusa and prayers so many prayers.. you are a good people just have not found the key to open up that person .. but you will ... prayers for a better tomorrow..