Back... With tail between my legs..
 

Well I'm ashamed, like completel, totally ashamed of myself. I am embarrassed that I could continue to let this happen over and over again when I fully know the outcome every time. I'm disgusted that I had two months of sobriety and I blew it. I'm ashamed that I came onto this website Saturday asking for help, knowing that I was going to be put in a situation that would be tricky and I drank anyways. How can I be so stupid? Saturday was my son's graduation party and I was so busy I didn't even get a chance to look at my phone. I thought one drink would be ok since I never get drunk with other people.. always at home alone or just my husband home or in bed. I did ok most of the night but one turned into many more. Well it turns out that both my kids decided to stay at my sister's house that night. That is a big trigger for me. The whole house to ourselves? Just me and hubby? We should get buzzed and spend time together! Im ashamed to admit this but I actually took a full bottle of vodka from my sister's fully stocked bar and brought it home with me to drink. I mean I didn't steal it, she told me to help myself but that's pretty damn low right? When you have to raid someones bar because even though it's 9:00 at night and everyone else has stopped drinking you can't stop until your pass out drunk.. Well by the time we got home I actually ended up being too tired to drink much more so I went to bed. That left me with almost a full bottle of vodka. I can NOT have alcohol in the house and not drink it. This I now know. I drank it Sunday night and last night plus some of those budlight margaritas. I've realized lately that in order for me to really understand the depth of my addiction I need to be real and admit to SOMEONE the things I have done and the things that I am ashamed of. Since I know that anyone on this forum can relate and probably won't judge me I think I really need to start posting more and admitting to (there for be held responsible in a way?) these actions. So that's what I'm going to start doing.. At this moment, I am ashamed that I just went to tell my 18 year old something and he looked right at me and said "yeah, I know, you told me that last night!" With a questioning look on his face. I tried to play it cool, like I knew that, I was just reminding him. I tried to tell myself that he probably doesn't know that I was drinking. Who the hell am I kidding? 18 years old and that he can't tell every time I'm drunk? Of course he knows! Embarrassing thing number two... I don't even know how this happened because I really didn't think I drank all that much but I did take some sleeping pills too.. apparently that was a really bad idea because when I got up this am there was a big mess in the kitchen. Like I obviously got up in the night hungry and got into food and made a mess which I'm sure my husband saw this am. How embarrassing is that? I'm so disgusted with myself right now... I'm weak and I'm starting to feel like I will never win this Battle... Sorry that that was so long but thank you for listening. It feels better to get it off my chest..

I can relate Mandosca. I couldn't even begin to recount the embarrassing things that I have done whilst drunk. Thankfully, I'm guessing I can't remember a lot of them!
You are right in that facing up to them - saying it out loud or sharing it with others on here, helps.

I'll stand with you today and share one of my embarrassments.
About 6 months ago, I went out with a friend and got drunk, came back to my house and got more drunk. I insisted on walking her home. We literally got 3 steps outside my house and fell into the road. The next thing I remember is looking round (still lying in the road) and seeing 2 black boots come into focus. The police had been driving down the road and spotted my fiend and I (2 middle aged women) rolling about in the middle of the road. We could have been killed that night, or arrested. And I actually thought this was funny!

Dust yourself off Mandosca and try again. Good Luck.

I really don't know what to say. Sleeping pills and alcohol? You have to be ready to do anything it takes to quit. Do you think you are up to that?

Sorry to learn that you drank Mandosca. It sucks, I know...BTDT! Try to put it behind you and move forward. What's important is that you came back here and posted. 2 months is a great accomplishment. I'm sure that you were beginning to feel the positive affects of being sober again. Remember those feels and work towards regaining them.

Putting sobriety before anything else is what keeps me sober. At 4 months sober, I am still careful about putting myself in a compromising situation, one in which I might say F*** I* and wake up to regret my decision.

I would suggest taking a look at your recovery plan and rethink the tools you are using whenever your AV shows up. You can make this happen...you just need to want it more than anything else!

Hang in there!

You want to win the battle against addiction? Start fighting it the right way. Using a recovery plan. Support. A formal program of substance abuse counseling.

Beating yourself up isn't fighting it. Thinking you can do this on your own with willpower isn't fighting it. Not making the changes necessary to support your desire to quit isn't fighting it.

Welcome back!

What you are going to do would be far more useful to share than what you've done.

Wallowing in regrettable memories of the past is a tool of the addiction. Negative self-talk keeps you a slave to the bottle.

Don't spend too much time staring in the rearview mirror. That isn't the direction you are going.

Make a plan.
Work the plan.
You can do this. :ring

I dump over trays of glass when I have to much to drink.. and sing.. once in awhile I did stand up comedy never try to rage with a comic that has had to much to drink .. the Stand up will walk all over you... can do that now that I do not drink...not at all.. and can be the best Stand up you have ever heard.. yep.... Truth always helps...
I have to be Frank.. Yes Trapper Frank... If you are doing this .. you have not looked hard enough at the Man in the Mirror.. what change do you want .. or maybe you just don't want the change... the terrible part is you are showing your kids this is the right thing to do.. and if you read the news or see the tv often enough.. that body that is brought home to Mom and Dad the next day.. could have been prevented.... really kiddo what do you want to see one morning that your Kids have done in reflection of you... time to look at the Man in the Mirror .. before you have to do a body bag count of family....
sorry all but reading the part at the very top.. maybe a Mom to stand tall and be firm... What do you want your Kids to reflect..... prayers and hopes you do find the change you are looking for....a Mom...

The main thing is you came back here. Check out the threads for making your plan and stay close. You can do this.

I'm so sorry, Mandosca. I'm sure you're feeling discouraged and disappointed, but try to use it as inspiration and reinforcement that you don't want to live this way anymore.

I can't count the number of times my older teens said the same thing as your son: "Mom, you told me that."... "Mom, don't you remember?" It's one of my biggest motivators.. that I don't want to be that kind of mom. I want to be present for them and have them be proud of me.

Pick yourself up and look at this as a new day! Two months is a great accomplishment. You now know a possible pitfall and can avoid it next time.

We have all had embarrassing moments.

If you want to win this battle quitting alcohol is the only step needed. Those embarrassing moments will become more frequent and larger than the ones you describe. At least it was that way for me.

Support and empathy offered. Keep posting.

I agree with the others Mandosca - you need to move on from the embarrassment and harness that energy for change instead.

Do you have any ideas on how you might stay sober? :)

Mandosca - good to see you, but sorry for your pain.

Some of us are slow learners. I had setbacks like this a few times before finally really getting it that I can't touch a drop. It feels so good to get your control back & be free of it. Sounds like you're ready. :)

Oh my goodness! Thank God you were ok! Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I do think that admitting to these things here has helped already.

You are right, I guess part of me was just feeling sorry for myself and par t of me wanted to HAVE to admit it to someone.. I am done whining about it and ready to start fighting it. :-)

Thank you so much for your words, it always helps to know that there are others in the same situation. I am done whining about it and ready to get my two months (plus many many more) back!! :-)

Yeah, slow is an understatement for me. :-) I've been trying to moderate for years with the same outcome and still hadnt realized it just can be done. But you are right, I am ready. Thank you!

The shame and guilt we feel are huge and they kept me drinking. It really becomes a cycle and it's hard to get out of. Step away from those emotions as much as possible and focus on not drinking. Use your energy to stay sober each day. I agree about alcohol in the house and I never keep alcohol in my home. It just makes life simpler. What kind of plan do you have in place? There is no question that you can do this, and we are here for you.

Well it sounds like I should really start by listening to your advice that I see all the time but never listen to.. :-) Im going to try to find the links for information on how to make a plan and whatever else I can find. I also went to the book store and picked up an Addiction Recovery Skills Workbook plus another few books. I am not religious so it was very slim pickings to find books that werernt based on AA. Thats all Ive got so far.. Would you mind pointing me in the right direction for all the recovery plan and other info?

Thank you so much!

You had two months, so you know you can do it. I'd avoid summer social outings this year and focus on getting sober. I understand your son's graduation party isn't something you can miss, but have an exit strategy, something to non alcoholic to drink and tell someone, to keep yourself accountable.