I am divorcing my drunk!
 

I cannot tell you guys how many times I have read here and commiserated with you all before signing up tonight. I took today to share my decision with my family and friends, and have not felt so sane in three years. It felt so good to be honest after so long. In the past two years, my alcoholic husband has:

* Gotten a second DUI in ten years while *on the way* to pick up my then 12-year-old from ballet.

* After narrowly avoiding a child endangerment charge by not having my daughter in the car, proceeded to learn no lesson and continued drinking. During a two-month period in which we had no insurance, I attempted to help him "taper" (his idea), measuring out alcohol in smaller and smaller doses. He claimed to be "cured" twice, although I continued to find suspicious empty bottles all over the house.

* Following the last such ******** "cure," my husband went to serve his DUI jail time. He seized within 12 hours and was transferred to the ER.

* That ER visit turned into a month-long hospital stay. Two weeks of it consisted of life-threatening DTs. Liver CTs showed significant scarring and fatty liver fibrosis. I was told he might not make it. He was ventilated numerous times and developed pneumonia. He spent three of four weeks in the ICU, racking up a $150,000 bill.

*Upon discharge from the hospital, my husband needed physical therapy to relearn walking and cognitive therapy because he developed "wet brain" syndrome. He suffered from multiple psychoses for weeks even after release, believing he knew various nurses from 20 years ago in previous towns where we resided and other such nonsense.

*Promptly lost his job after the hospital stay, remained unemployed for five months, and then quit the lower-paying job he eventually managed to secure three months later because "they were going to fire me anyway." This man once earned $250K a year and was at the top of his field.

*Even after all of this, I continue to stumble upon empty vodka bottles all over the house. My husband apparently went to AA and pretended to be "on the program" throughout.

*Now won't get off the couch. Stares into space and says he is "sick." I have no idea if he is still drinking because I refuse to lower myself to looking anymore. With no job and no income coming in, we are now forced to sell the house ASAP. He won't even help me to get it "show ready," explaining that my daughter and I are better off without him and should expect nothing from in the future.

There is more. I left out the tears. The angry swearing and fighting. The begging and pleading for him to get help before he hurt himself and his child any more. The threats. The Al-Anon visits. The ultimate frustrating and devastating realization that there was NOTHING in my power--and I think of myself as a powerful person--I could do to make this person stop.

Alcoholism defies any rational explanation and it is clear that for some people, there is no bottom low enough. My husband now finally believes I am divorcing him because I have told my family, friends, church, even the mail man. I can't live with this a second longer.

The newest twist is that he is now threatening suicide and won't get up off the couch to assist in helping sell the (second) house he lost us to his addiction. I feel for him and his depression, but it is hard to trust that it isn't just another lie and manipulation.

Anyone in the early stages of this with a mate: Get out. Get out now. It just gets worse and all innocent bystanders get mowed over. Repeatedly.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you and your daughter all the best as you try to move on. I also hope your husband is able to embrace recovery, and able to start getting well.

:thanks

Thank you so much for the good wishes. I now realize I posted this to the wrong forum as I meant this for friends and family. On the other hand, I think my husband is a good object lesson for other alcoholics. Very few people get to the level he attained in a few short years. Doctors at the hospital say he was one of the worst cases they had ever seen, and he attained all this at the age of 47. It usually takes a lifetime of drinking to sink this low. He is a determined addict and a good example of all you do NOT want to aspire to.

Even though I have no choice but to leave him, I still care for him very much. I hope beyond hope he will find it in himself to recover and perhaps losing everything, including his family (and family is really all that remains now) will be enough to say, "Gee, is drinking worth every single other thing in my life?"

I realize I am thinking about this like a rational person. A rational person would never give up even one important thing in life for booze. My God, he could take up skydiving or casino gambling or flying planes or divorcing me and ******* young models! Or even enjoy the love of his family.

But no. Sitting alone boozing it up in a bachelor apt. or homeless in a car, which is how he tell me he envisions his future, is everything. So sad.

I can't wrap my head around this tragic thinking. I just can't.

As an alcoholic myself, I can tell you that if an alcoholic wants help, he or she will get help.

I am glad that I've been single through my 20's and mostly only hurt myself. But I actually want help and am currently getting help.

It takes everything and mows down your loved one's hearts. I feel for you. There's probably a decent guy inside of him, but you should do what is best for you and your kids.

Thanks, ThatWasTheOldMe. I posted this in the wrong place, but as I said above, it might be a happy mistake. My husband's alcoholism was incredibly severe and hopefully serves as an example of how out of control it can become unchecked. I wish you well on your journey and pray you find solace and a new way to live.

My husband is an incredibly decent person. The best. But that hasn't stopped him from upending our lives over and over again due to his rampant alcoholism. I know he would never intentionally harm us. But harm us he does, over and over again.

It is hard to leave someone you care about and is, at heart, a great person. I loved this man with the heat of a thousand suns at one point. But, as I told someone today, every time I get half of the pieces reset on the chessboard, he stumbles along and upends the board again. He doesn't mean to...it's just what happens when you live with an out-of-control drunk.

It means everyone around him must live with chaos they cannot control. It is crazy-making. I appreciate your kind words. Please take them to heart so you can live your best life.

Wow, I too am glad you posted in the "wrong" forum. I am on the alcoholic side things, fortunately sober right now, and this was a very good read/reminder for me. My children mean everything in the world to me, and your post was a good reminder of what harm I could do if I went back to drinking.
Best of luck to you, your daughter and your husband. I really hope he gets help that will stick with him and put him on the path to sobriety.

Thanks for the post kalex. I'm an alcoholic and a mother. I always rationalized my drinking because I had rules that I would take care of all the important stuff, like work and chores and bills before I started drinking. I always tried to minimize in my mind the effect I was having on my family so I could live with myself. The reality is that it didn't matter what rules or double think I used I was still negatively effecting those I hold the most dear to me. And really selling us all short. Best of luck to you. Sad as it is, it sounds like you and your daughter will be better off without him. I hope he can turn his life around but you two don't need to go down with the ship too.

Powerful post Kalex, a reminder for everyone on this side of the alcoholic fence of how destructive alcohol can be!! :hug:

Yes a very powerful post. As an alcholic husband and father I could somehow look down the road a little ways and see the devastation that was approaching at a high rate of speed. That"vision" gave me the little extra to stop drinking before it was to late. your story brought tears to my eyes for two reasons, the pain and suffering you are living through and the realization that I narrowly escaped my own form of hell. I wish you the best and hope you and your daughter find happiness.

I think this thread was posted in the right place ;)

I am very sorry for what you and your daughter have been enduring for so long. Its very tragic and there is a lot of damage there. You are not responsible for him in any way shape or form and it is good to see that you are taking the steps necessary to remove yourself from the situation.

Your husband will need to find his own way through this. You have yourself and a child to think of. Yes, I would run. I would remove myself as quickly as possible and ensure that something like your situation never happens again in my life.

I wish you all the healing in the world. I know you can get on with your life and it will be better than what you have described.

Take care of you and that little girl. She is deserving of a healthy environment. A stable home without all the concerns and worries that come with an unstable alcoholic parent.

As Mattq said....powerful. I'm glad you posted in the "wrong" place or I wouldn't have seen it. I am very sorry for what you have endured, but you sound quite well all things considered. Reading a post like the one you shared is important to alcoholics like me. I need to read and hear about the consequences, in case I ever think I can go back out. Thank you.

I want to thank everyone who responded to the post because I see that many of you are recovering, some of you for years,and I have hope for my daughter that my husband will one day recover as well and re-establish a meaningful relationship with her. I have so many great memories of the two of them together when she was small...he was such an amazing dad then. She would crawl into bed with him every weekend while he let me sleep in and they would play all sorts of games. I remember one where the bed was a big boat and she and my husband would pretend all sorts of things: there was a big storm and they had to roll this way or that to avoid being capsized, or a shark was circling the boat and they had to figure out what to do. He was so creative and fun and loving with her.

For years, though, he has been totally hands-off and sporadic in his engagement. One day, he was attentive and trying to be super-dad. For weeks on end, though, he closed himself off in the basement and didn't even acknowledge her. I ignored a lot of this and tried to fill in the gaps, attempting to hold us all together. Well, that's done.

It's good to know, though, that this misdirected post helped some, and even better that some dads realize what a bullet they are dodging. I'm not really sure that my daughter, now almost 15, will be able to trust her dad again easily, even if he recovers. She is a different personality type than me...very self-protecting and wary once you hurt her. In a way, I envy that; in another, it worries me about what she is suppressing.

Anyway, for dads out there, realize your daughters look to you as their male role models. Be good ones and love them before it is too late.

kalex, ditto to you posting in the right place and ditto for an incredibly powerful original post as well as follow-ups to other posters.

Your anguish comes through so clearly in your words. I am sending the biggest virtual hug your way that I can muster.

I'm not a parent, but I am newly married (quite late in life as it were) and the last thing I would want to do is hurt my husband. Your posts are a staunch reminder of just how vicious alcohol can be.

Thanks for having the courage to post, and more importantly, to take the steps to change your life and that of your daughter's. The first step is sometimes the hardest to take. But you did it. You...did...it.

I wish you only the best in the days, weeks, and years to come.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, kalex. Ultimately it was wise to save yourself and your child; you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

Thank you argillaceous. Hugs back!!!!

It is so powerful to have support from folks like you after taking this decision, and it is amazing how much people will support you once you are honest and open about your situation. I hid everything for years and felt so alone and isolated.

When they say alcoholism is a family disease, I think this is what they mean. The shame spreads all around and it is easy to want to keep things quiet to avoid embarrassment. In my case, I kept quiet because I feared people saying, "My God, what are you waiting for? Haven't you been debased enough already?" In the back of my mind, I thought it was possible to get back to earlier times when we were happy if things just hit a low enough point, especially because my husband kept promising that. I'm sure my teen daughter wanted to avoid embarrassment from her friends, even as she became inured to our constant fighting over alcohol.

Now that I'm telling everyone the truth, the support is coming from everywhere. I have two insider leads on jobs so I can insure my daughter and myself. My parents are pitching in. And several wealthy friends have even offered to help us out monetarily (not that I would accept as I feel newly confident of being able to manage without my alcoholic).

And as I write this, my alcoholic is moaning at the top of his lungs lying on the couch in the basement. It's 2 a.m. here! He knows now I am serious about this and has not once prompted himself to get off the couch and help me get the house ready to sell after CREATING this crisis situation by quitting his job last week and telling me he was leaving us for our own good. Of course, he has not left. I have been working from wake-up to midnight for days to get house ready and apply for jobs.

He had the nerve to tell me his AA group said I was "toxic" and should leave me and our daughter his job for his sanity. When I called him on it and said we should immediately file for divorce and put the house on the market, he suddenly got "sick" and "suicidal." I have realtors coming in two days and am giving a retainer to a divorce lawyer Friday. Suddenly, I am a huge villain and it is my constant "berating of him" that is the cause of our break-up.

Sorry for rambling. I'm in the middle of this, but I appreciated your post. Alcoholics sure are good manipulators, though. My husband has found it very convenient to suddenly cast himself as a victim of me after creating all of this chaos for years. Wow, I couldn't STOP him from drinking with all of my powers, but somehow I forced all that drink down his throat when I didn't even know I was doing it. I'm amazing!

Another alcoholic grateful for this post

Add me to your growing list of supporters.

You ARE amazing :scoregood :)

Its good to see that you are taking your life and your daughters life into your hands and moving on. Yes, opening up can really be helpful and you then can have friends and family in your corner. People do not know what they dont know. Even if they did know (your friends and family) its no ones place to step in until the person finally admits and asks for help. You now have a voice and a boundary.

Yes, alcoholics can be manipulative. So can non alcoholics. Something anyone can take on to get what they want.

Dont cave. You got this.

Your daughter will find her way with her father. Its her relationship. Are you two in counseling? Maybe this is not an option right now as you are scrambling to get your life in order but it could be beneficial in the future.