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Upset with myself. Angry.

Old 06-19-2017, 10:52 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Can I just say something and try really hard not to come across as criticizing?

A LOT of us are really sensitive and/or defensive really early on in recovery. And angry. And frustrated.
And a lot of us have many ideas of what we want to do to fix this problem that we have, and we are still stuck in some addictive thinking.

A lot of us have come here and struggled our way to sober time through a lot of trial and error.

You may or may not as well.

Nobody wants you to keep drinking and beating the hell out of yourself. Or your addiction.

I resisted so many ways to get sober before I heard ALL these things 1000+ times and things started to make sense to me, click together in my head.
I stopped being indignant. I realized even with all the reading and researching and attempts I did to do it on my own or do it a certain way, I was surely failing every time.

BUT. Where you're at, where I was once at too, is a step, a part of the process of change. There's going to be resistance. To yourself, to others, to processes, to the changes. What are you going to do? You resist resistance- just perpetuating the problem. Resistance squared. Haha.

I stopped resisting the urge to fight or give in. I just accepted, it is what it is.
It's a thought- not a thing. It's not a demand for reaction. It's a call for alternate, positive action. What we have is a choice. The sticking point is always the choice. You choose to draw the line in the sand and figure out what it takes to keep yourself on the right side of that line.

Resistance is futile
Acceptance is freeing.
We figure it out by learning from many who've come before us.
The best research we can do is try on different methods of recovery to see what suits us best. We put relevant and helpful tools in our own recovery toolbox.
We shut our mouths for a bit and open our eyes and ears.
Sobriety is a lot different than recovery too.

Everyone here, wants everyone to be successful, happy and healthy in recovery.
Every time someone has that big or little connection of the dots, and shares it here, for themselves, for the community, for the newcomers, it's a win for us all.
Anyways, I ramble. This is some of what worked for me.

I was hardcore, anti-AA when I first started out in this recovery thing.
What has worked for me is a mixture of addictions counseling, a native-spiritual based day program, 6 week's womens inpatient treatment, 2 years of AA and now NA as well. I stay connected here on SR and with program buddies when I can. NA is now my home group and where I have my sponsor. I relate a lot more to the stepwork of NA and the literature is much in depth for me.

For me, recovery is freedom. Sobriety as a standalone is kind of a lonely place. To me, anyways.

Triggers be damned. All of life is a trigger to me. I made it through some really rough times throughout this first half year of my recovery. Nothing could make me drink no matter how awful I felt. I put in the legwork. I knew I wanted to get out the other side stronger than go back to the hell that I was in when I was drinking.
I never would have had the knowledge or tenacity to be able to do that if I hadn't started listening and doing the internal work I needed to do, and that I learned from the many great people in the recovery community.

I have faith with your determination that absolutely, you will find the right path for yourself and the serenity that will come with it if you're living your best life.

Keep on keeping on! And be kind to yourself. Like everyone else has said, no matter what and no matter what path you find works for you, you are definitely worth it.
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Old 06-19-2017, 03:32 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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I really related to your anger in that first post, around why do you keep drinking when you know how much it damages your life. Beating yourself up over that.

This might sound strange as a possible answer, it did to me when I first heard it, but sometimes it isn't that we drink despite all the damage it does, but rather we drink because of the damage it does. If it wasn't alcohol we might use drugs, or gambling, or any number of other risky activities that can lead to us confirming the negative beliefs we have about ourselves.

I have no idea if that's going on with you. But I believe that was part of my own drinking issues. I don't think it's a coincidence that I grew up believing there was something wrong with me and I'd never have any lasting relationships, and then I went on to destroy many potential lasting relationships through alcohol. Proving myself right.

I didn't do this consciously, of course. Why would I deliberately do something to make my life worse? But it was a pattern I repeated over and over again. This is all stuff I've learned since embarking on my own counselling journey.

Counselling isn't instead of having a solid, practical, day to day plan for how to keep yourself from drinking (I didn't use AA, went with AVRT, these forums, and Allen Carr's Easy Way to Control Alcohol), but as a way to help you achieve the goals you've set yourself, I think it's something you might want to consider if you haven't already.
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Old 06-19-2017, 04:19 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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100%

I actually MISS the feeling of suffering and agony at times. When things are abnormally bright and uplifting, I feel like I need to suffer or feel pain to appreciate the good things in life. I just now know alcohol isn't the best solution for it. Working hard, exercising, keeping my place clean, not hitting snooze, etc., are better ways to achieve that 'suffering' because of the reward mechanism one receives via discipline.

I was taking the easy way out by drinking. Once reality hit, it just became a dark place without reward.
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Old 06-19-2017, 05:34 PM
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Have you read all the AVRT threads, SS? There's some great stuff there.

I love the fight analogy. I often think of the initial battle with the Beast as a wrestling match, whichever part had control flipped and flopped...I pinned the Beast, then was pinned by the Beast. It proved to be a long exhausting series of matches that never ended. The way I actually won the battle was I gave IT the finger and left the mat altogether. I realized that fighting is engaging, and engaging in any way leaves the door open for me to lose. I can't lose if I don't engage. You feel me?

There are many of us who don't follow a 12 step program, or any program really, so you're not alone there. Not by a long shot. While a design for living may be necessary for some, blanket statements about what "real recovery" looks like and that certain components are absolutes to changing your life...well, that's just not true. The only that is an absolute must if you want to quit drinking, is to actually quit drinking.
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Old 06-19-2017, 05:57 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Sobersolistice,
Salt thrown only hurts when a sore is open. When healed, all the insults, perceived or real, do not hurt.
The tenth step if clear, "If I am disturbed no matter the cause there is something wrong with me".
I'm not convinced you want to stop finding your own solution. The common solution of the 12 steps produces results. I found it so.
To start requires complete defeat. Complete.
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Old 06-20-2017, 07:08 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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For the first time, I'm taking a warrior attitude toward my initial detox, cravings, and AV. Discipline. "NO, I AM NOT GOING TO DRINK POISON". My cravings are scared of me. Withdrawals are easier to control when I am in control. I will be adjusting my plan as I progress, but for now, NO! I will not put alcohol in my mouth. I need more structure, discipline, time management, productivity, and quality rest. This, for me is a good start. I understand alcohol will try to sneak in when I'm stressed, or weak, but that's a physiological manifestation of my addiction. Alcohol does not have a body, brain or spirit. It's the stuff that's 10% of our gasoline. Our brains trick ourselves into thinking a pleasure mechanism behind it's consumption. My method keeps me thinking about it, whereas I would give in and just go to the store in the past. I already have plans to change my thinking as I normalize, but for now... it's war. I hope people understand my mentality toward it. It's a way to keep me thinking about how not to drink it in the beginning. As an addiction; I have accepted that it will always manifest itself, but initially, I cannot allow it to defeat me. With time, I understand the acceptance has to be dealt with differently. I am planning this shift in mentality.

A little tired today after getting up crazy early. I fell asleep while eating chocolate in bed and things look nasty after rolling around in it all night, but at least it's not something else.

Day 4 (which I haven't done in a while).
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Old 06-20-2017, 07:47 AM
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When I quit three months ago, I had to implement serious structure into my life in order for me to gain freedom from alcohol.

I went to work and then came home and ate dinner. I took a bath or washed the day off in some way. I needed a fresh approach to my evening. I then logged onto SR and read or posted. Watched a series on Netflix and went to bed. This approach was taken day after day.

I just recently resumed running and working out. I did take time off due to an injury and my lack of desire. It took me a bit to get back into my routine but I am there again.

I notice that I am stronger and more determined to get those miles in these days. When I was drinking I would run in the mornings with guilt and feeling complete shame over what I was doing to my body and mind.

Now, I can focus on what is important to me.....Being strong. Being healthy. Being all those things that I fought so hard to be but could not achieve while drinking. I dont have guilt or shame while running now. I no longer think "This would be a lot easier if you could leave alcohol out of the equation" or "How many hangovers will it take for you to realize that you cannot control this monster"

So, punch that addiction in the face and move forward.
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Old 06-20-2017, 07:58 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by summersolstice
I will be adjusting my plan as I progress, but for now, NO!
For me personally, it was the "but for now" part that fed my AV. When I said, "NO, not now and not EVER AGAIN" that's when the noise quieted a bit. That "just for today" stuff is what kept a tiny crack in the door that my AV saw as a possible opening. My AV has a tiny little slimy foot that it can wedge into even the tiniest crack. I found that removing alcohol as a future option ever, under any and all circumstances, is what sealed that crack. Just a thought and again, just my personal experience.
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Old 06-20-2017, 08:29 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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No today, and No, never again. Maybe it's just my choice of words, but it's just dumb for me. I'm not dumb... It's a stupid decision to drink. I hope maybe that clarified some of the previous posts. I don't feel good when I drink, and it tastes like crap. I remember when I first tried beer... I thought to myself "why do people drink this???"; I know from experience, but I don't even like it.

I need to let my body heal, and once healed, become the BEST VERSION OF MYSELF.
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Old 06-20-2017, 08:30 AM
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I was going to quit on the Summer Solstice, but I'm ahead of the game.
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Old 06-21-2017, 10:32 AM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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Today was a bad day.

Day 5.

Exhausted. Started working in the sun, and got dizzy, so I came down off my ladder, went into an uncontrollable crying spell, then got a message from my doctor that she had to reschedule due to the A/C not working in her office. I totally lost it, threw my metal coffee mug down the street, hitting a brand new F150, and smashed my car up with my ladder and punched a window out after throwing all of my equipment in every direction in tears.

I may owe thousands of dollars, but I'm not drinking.
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Old 06-21-2017, 12:24 PM
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that might be considered a WEE bit of an overreaction. SS? has your temper always been so out of control?
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Old 06-21-2017, 01:02 PM
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I hope you are feeling better now SS. I know about those rough days. They suck. I used to have quite a temper myself. What happened with me and my outbursts was the same thing that happened with drinking. In both cases, I decided the consequences of my actions were simply too great and I had to change my behaviors if I wanted to avoid the never ending shitstorms that came with doing things on autopilot. I had to look deeply and learn to stop, step back, and observe what was happening to me, without reacting. Very difficult to do, especially since I had been very reactive my whole life. But it's doable.

Someday you will be neither owing thousands of dollars nor drunk. You will sort these things because you don't want to live this way. You can do this! Hang tight!
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Old 06-21-2017, 01:18 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
that might be considered a WEE bit of an overreaction. SS? has your temper always been so out of control?
Only when my Dad beats up my Mom.

This is the first time I've done this on a job site.
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Old 06-21-2017, 01:23 PM
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sorry to hear that. this is a LEARNED behavior, striking out in anger at something or someone. being sober doesn't give us a free pass to simply ACT OUT in anger or violence.

nor does an angry outburst give us permission to drink!!!

hopefully you've had time to calm down now?
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Old 06-21-2017, 02:46 PM
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I went into a frenzy of changing my snow tires out to summers, called a bunch of clients, and got quotes for repairs to my vehicle.

This was all kicked off because my doctor, who was going to treat me for my condition today didn't want to be in her office without her a/c. She told me she didn't want to work with me anymore when I told her that was a sorry excuse for what could have been $200 for a half-hour of her time. I work in 90+deg temps all day in the sun. "Oh, my A/C is out... I can't meet you today, does next month work?" I shortened my work day for this, and now I'm not working at all.

I was in a calm frenzy, but now I'm upset again. Maybe I should get back out and work, or maybe take a shower and lay down for a bit.
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Old 06-21-2017, 03:01 PM
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hmm, how about a deep breathe, a nice cool shower, some FOOD and then a nap? i suspect your blood sugars are just going bonkers right now.

to your Dr's credit, she DOES have the comfort and safety of her patients to consider - and an unair-conditioned office that gets very warm could be considered unprofessional and unsafe. the weather is something outside of everyone's control.

H.A.L.T. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired - sounds like you are at least 3 for 4. time to chill out, literally and figuratively. Woooooooooosah!
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Old 06-21-2017, 03:20 PM
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Originally Posted by summersolstice
I shortened my work day for this, and now I'm not working at all.
This is very frustrating for sure. I can understand being upset, but your reaction only added more stuff to your already full plate.

Originally Posted by summersolstice
This was all kicked off because my doctor, who was going to treat me for my condition today didn't want to be in her office without her a/c.
I'm going to say something here that will probably sound pretty irritating. I always wanted to slap ppl when they said stuff like this to me, but there was truth there I couldn't deny so I'll go ahead and say it. This was not kicked off by the doctor and her lame actions. This was kicked off by by your feelings about it. Look, people can and do suck a lot of the time, things happen to us that we can't control, life generally blows on some days. Nothing is ever going to change those facts. I'm not opposed to blasting a few profanities, getting bent for a minute, but anything beyond that means I end up only causing myself harm with no change to the original outcome anyway.

I witnessed abuse of my mom as well, beatings/bruises. Even many years later, as an adult, when I feel in a situation of powerlessness or like I'm at someone or something's mercy (like you were in today) it has the potential to bring up strong feelings of fear and rage. Feelings that to others may seem irrational, but when situations like that happen, in my mind I can quickly brought to feeling 6, or 8, or 10 years old again feeling trapped and terrified. It's almost automatic, but I've worked very hard to learn to interrupt those automatic responses. When I first started seeing a therapist about this after I'd quit drinking, I was super pissed that I even had to learn how to do it lol but I did have to if I wanted a chance at any semblance of peace/calm/ease in my own skin.

Given the choice, I always opt for the shower and a nap. Whatever you decide, I hope your day rounds out better than it started.
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Old 06-22-2017, 04:42 AM
  # 59 (permalink)  
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Yeah. I overreacted for sure! The combination of what I was feeling as maximum detox, 100 degree heat, and high ladder work was barely tolerable. I had to go back to my truck several times to get things that I would just normally grab, my technique and precision were off, and then I get a call from my Doctor, which could easily have made plans to meet me in a coffee shop (which I suggested), basically saying my health can wait turned into a cascade of events that was embarrassing at the very least.

I get very irritable when I'm detoxing, but this time, I'm so serious about my sobriety, I'm literally breaking down and rebuilding. These events are extreme, but remind me of the difficulty of detox. I'm not doing it the easy way, but my business partner needs me. This is the toughest detox I've ever experienced, but I have no desire for alcohol. If my AV even tries to say anything, I say "NO! you listen!..." and put it in it's place before I feel anything. I've been very stern with my addiction this time.

Day 6. (5:41am)
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Old 06-23-2017, 06:01 AM
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Work yesterday went smoothly, and was able to see my Dr. and an addiction specialist in the afternoon.

I'm calming down, was able to play some disc golf at sunset and wake up at 6am feeling relaxed, and ready for my day. Just checkin' in!

Day 7.
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