Blogs


Notices

Upset with myself. Angry.

Old 06-18-2017, 12:07 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
ThatWasTheOldMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,136
You know what helps with the self-loathing of active alcoholism?

Living in the solution. Developing a recovery plan. A little bit of time. I have a grand total of five days sober and already I feel sooooo much better than I did on day one. Yeah, I made a fool out of myself countless times. I don't know how many trips to the hospital. I don't know how many stupid social media posts. I don't know how many rude text messages. Trips to detox. Even stays in a psych ward.

Make a plan. DO the plan. And reap the rewards of beating addiction into the ground. You're not a bad person; you have an affliction called alcoholism.

If you find AA too intense, try NA. If you have Medicaid, go to an ER, ask for a mental health evaluation and get set up with Community Reach Center.

I also live in Colorado. If you're in the Denver area, I would recommend St. Anthony's hospital off 144th and I-25. They treat you well. Tell them you're in withdrawal. Tell them EVERYTHING about your drinking. If you've ever had an inkling of suicidal ideation while drunk, answer YES when the doctor asks. Accept the 72-hour mental health hold and let them evaluate you.

It saved my life. I'm doing the follow-up of exactly what I just said as we speak.
ThatWasTheOldMe is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to ThatWasTheOldMe For This Useful Post:
Berrybean (06-18-2017), sobersolstice (06-18-2017), WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-18-2017, 12:09 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
ThatWasTheOldMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,136
Call yourself an ambulance. And again, if you're in the Denver area, I would highly suggest St. Anthony's off 144th and I-25.
ThatWasTheOldMe is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to ThatWasTheOldMe For This Useful Post:
WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-18-2017, 12:12 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
ThatWasTheOldMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,136
I'm sorry, I didn't notice this was yesterday.

You can walk into Community Reach Center. If you have Medicaid, it's entirely covered. They will get you therapy. If you're still sick, you can go to an ER to get started. You're worth it.

Also see a doctor about getting an Antabuse prescription. It prevents impulsive drinking...
ThatWasTheOldMe is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to ThatWasTheOldMe For This Useful Post:
sobersolstice (06-18-2017), WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-18-2017, 04:56 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
As I replied on your other thread- and maybe just to reiterate- I don't think we are alluding to anything, and we are only secondarily commenting on your health and fitness. A plan for sobriety is what I mean when I say plan or program. Journalling, all that you mention, is great- on top of and as additional tools as to the core that gets and keeps you sober. Mine is AA- I kicked and screamed and fought against it for a very long time- till I gave in to it and my life has changed entirely and absolutely.

I hope you start making the choices that get and keep you sober- you don't have to worry about bad food/drink combos, stood up dates, etc- and you can live a life where you know how to make the better choices, more quickly and more often, with time in sobriety and an arsenal of weapons (since you like fighting analogies). Hope to see you on the sober side with us.
August252015 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to August252015 For This Useful Post:
sobersolstice (06-18-2017), WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-18-2017, 06:22 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
PurpleKnight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,855
I once found myself throwing up in the shower more mornings in the week than not, and I convinced myself somehow that was alright and normal, the life alcohol creates for us slowly stops working after a while, because things spiral and the consequences on our life and the crazy things we try to convince ourselves are sustainable are far from it, it gets to the point when we need to get off the train before it crashes.

Get a plan together, whatever it takes, whatever it requires, make it happen and finally draw a line under alcohol and addiction, it can be done, resign this chapter of your life to the past and write a new chapter for your future, one were you get a slice of happiness and all those hopes and dreams you have come true!!

You can do this!!
PurpleKnight is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to PurpleKnight For This Useful Post:
sobersolstice (06-18-2017), thomas11 (06-18-2017), WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-18-2017, 06:30 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sobersolstice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 390
I awoke in a bit of a fog this morning (didn't drink yesterday), and plan to do some make-up work that I had planned to do on Friday. I feel much better than when hungover, but feel a little "duhhhh" lol.

As my line of work is somewhat physically taxing, I will be drinking plenty of water and will be keeping some cane sugar type sodas and energy bars with me between meals so I don't go into caloric deficit and feel the urges as badly. I know sugar isn't great for these scenarios with the insulin dump, but I just sip on them as a temporary spike if the AV manifests itself physiologically, then ride it through.

I've been to many AA meetings, and they honestly trigger me for some reason. I'm a firm believer that I control what I put in my mouth, and don't really have a belief system that I prescribe to. I've read AVRT and will check back into the town's Alcohol Education Center to see what they have to offer. I went there after my DUI a number of years ago, and in retrospect, got a lot out of it. I wasn't monitored, so I didn't need UA's etc, but had an ignition interlock on two vehicles for two years (total beaters I worked on every weekend to keep running). I finally managed to buy a new car, and the last thing I need is to wreck it, or worse, get another alcohol related criminal infraction. I am looking at this from all different angles, and need to come clear with my intentions and plans. This is enough.

I apologize about my previous emotional tirades and almost excuses, but thank everyone this time around for replying and supporting me in this very important endeavor.

Sorry if the fighting stuff is disturbing. I don't go out in the street and fight people. I did it to protect myself when I was young, but now see it as sport, and a parallel in a sense to what kind of work is required to succeed in this struggle. Taking a very controlled and objective approach toward what is generally caused by over-reactive emotion.

Day 2. (tonight is when the battle begins for me)
sobersolstice is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to sobersolstice For This Useful Post:
PurpleKnight (06-19-2017), WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-18-2017, 09:04 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sobersolstice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 390
I woke up today a little tired feeling, but got a lot of work done, and went out and played disc golf with a friend with coconut waters in place of beer.

Speaking of waking up. I went out to my balcony at sunrise, and felt the air and life in a way that I haven't felt in a while. I love that feeling. I kept leaving stuff behind and am forgetful, but selectively remembered some songs I like on my guitar.

I have sparkling water and lime. Ginger ale. I'm enjoying a movie and having a chocolate shake to replace the calories. My roomie is supportive and didn't drink and won't drink for a while for me.

It's almost the Solstice! Perfect timing!
sobersolstice is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to sobersolstice For This Useful Post:
Delizadee (06-19-2017), PurpleKnight (06-19-2017), WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-18-2017, 09:19 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
 
ThatWasTheOldMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,136
Great job on staying sober, SS

Keep it up. My experience is that Antabuse helps with impulsive drinking, if you can get to a doctor. No matter what I feel, think, see, hear, do, pass, fail... I take a drink, and I immediately get violently ill and go into a medical emergency.

There are no side effects that I notice, but you won't see me with a bottle of whiskey in my hand
ThatWasTheOldMe is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to ThatWasTheOldMe For This Useful Post:
sobersolstice (06-18-2017), WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-18-2017, 10:24 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sobersolstice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 390
I'm just gonna imagine I'm on Antabuse because I many times get ill or violently ill when I drink anyway. I'll keep it in mind though.
sobersolstice is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to sobersolstice For This Useful Post:
WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-18-2017, 10:28 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
 
Berrybean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,868
Blog Entries: 2
Okay. Tough talking BB at your service seeing as you state that's what you want...

I don't think the 'fighting ' talk is disturbing. Although it does make me sigh and perhaps do a little eye roll (but it's earlg here in the UK, and Monday, and a heatwave, so perhaps pretty much anything would get an eyeroll at this moment in time). It's more that I think we all felt that way at some point, and then realised that just doesn't work. You're talking about pitching your own self-will against your own self-will. Well, I hate to state the obvious, but Q. What part of yourself do you think drags us back down the drinking route when our AV kicks in? A. Our self-will. Like 2 equally matched arm wrestlers locked in long-term combat, too-ing and fro-ing, trying to 'fight' it like that is just exhausting. And when we're exhausted, what do we give in to?

You are no different to any of us. And alcoholism is not just physical. If the problem is not just physical its no good just having physical solutions. We need to change our thinking as well. I know plenty of people who came into the rooms and left saying it didn't work for them, only to come back when they'd tried other ways for a while and after being back out there were ready somehow. AA doesn not stop us drinking, or even shut the AV up. What it does, if we engage in the 12-step program of recovery, help us understand where our thinking was faulty and change that faulty perspective so that we can change. And that is what we need to do. We dont really drink because of x, y, or z. Those things are just excuses. We feel pain. We drink. We do and say stupid stuff to hurt others and ourselves and put ourselves in more pain, so we drink... and that can go on and on til we die. Or we can recognise that we need to change the way we deal with stuff. I strongly believe that AA meetings without actually working the recovery program has limited value. And besides, there are plenty of ways of making your own plan apart from AA that extend beyond ginger beer and exercise. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html

We don't have to WANT to do this stuff. Willingness is much more important than desire. And Acceptance is more useful than any fighting talk. It could be time to leave your ego at the door and start taking some quiet, low key responsibility for yourself. Stirring up a bunch of melodrama in our head focussing on the problem under the guise of 'fighting it' is often a great way of procrastinating so we don't have to engage in the solution. Especially seeing as its not top of any newly sober alcoholics list of fun things to do. No one wants to go to those first meetings as a newcomer, or take suggestions from people who we thought probably never really had drinking problems like ours to start off with (I mean, how could they? Look at them all sitting there, recovered, calm and happy!) And I've never heard anyone say that they wanted to go to rehab. Or want to go talk to their doctor or consult an addictions therapist.

What you have been doing has not worked this far, and if nothing changes then nothing will change. It is insanity to repeat the same actions and expect different results. You've obviously convinced yourself that AA won't work for you because you left before wanting a drink. But presumably without AA meetings you still wanted to drink, because that's what you did. Why not go back and actually try working the program. Just meetings is like trying to balance on only one leg of a stool. Nowhere in the Big Book does it say that meetings are the program. I know that I exhausted myself with all the fighting nonsense for far too long. I also did the one-leg-of-the-stool balancing act at AA for far to long, complaining that it wasn't working for me and it must because I'm so different (read special) to everyone else.

What would you rather be in this gale ? A big old tree that can come crashing down, or a soft supple reed that bends in the wind and at the end might be a little battered but can recover and grow strong again? Strength doesn't always look how you might expect it to look. I have found more strength in Acceptance, Willingness, Humility and Integrity than I ever found with my blustering old fighting bull-talk.

I wish you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

How it works..."If you have decided that you want what we have (sobriety, manageable life and relationships, waking up without shame or anxiety) and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps (do the work on your recovery, even if you don't really want to do it).

At some of these we balked. We thought that we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas (sound familiar?) and the result was nil until we let go absolutely (letting ho is acceptance, not all this 'fighting' melodrama).

Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us (but luckily there's plenty of help available, we just have to supply that willingness). ...

Half measures availed us nothing (half measures would be, for example, a recovery program based on ginger beer and exercise - by the way, let me guess, you probably like ginger beer and exercise right?). We stood at the turning point...."
Are you at the turning point yet? Or are you just going to keep floundering down the same old road, using all your energy wrestling with yourself and becoming increasingly frustrated with yourself and who you are?
Berrybean is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Berrybean For This Useful Post:
August252015 (06-25-2017), Delizadee (06-19-2017), doggonecarl (06-19-2017), sobersolstice (06-19-2017), tomsteve (06-19-2017), WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-18-2017, 10:29 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
Berrybean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,868
Blog Entries: 2
Originally Posted by sobersolstice View Post
I'm just gonna imagine I'm on Antabuse because I many times get ill or violently ill when I drink anyway. I'll keep it in mind though.
You are SO funny.

This earns another cranky-BB eyeroll.
Berrybean is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Berrybean For This Useful Post:
August252015 (06-25-2017), Delizadee (06-19-2017), Mireille (06-19-2017), tomsteve (06-19-2017), WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-19-2017, 02:25 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sobersolstice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 390
I'm implementing a structured plan, and will post in here as well BB. I've never really been upset with myself for not being accountable for my drinking until now. For some people, like myself, I needed a small mental breakdown to truly put serious thought into my recovery with a congruent plan that will work for me. I don't want alcohol. I don't need alcohol. I need to eat and live healthy. I'm developing plans and taking direct action toward those goals.

I have this thought in my head of if I were in a hot desert battlefield, extremely dehydrated, lost from my platoon; If there were an ice cold bottle of potable water next to a bottle of wine, which would I drink? The wine could kill me due to error in the field and further dehydration. Of course I'd take the Ice cold bottle of water.

Thank you for your suggestions though. Sure the antabuse thing was a bit of a joke, but if you think of it that way, I feel it can have as certain benefit; "I will become very ill if I drink".

I'm sorry I speak in ways people don't understand. I feel it's important to have a sober community to turn to when things get tough. I'm going back to an outdoor sober community where I can climb, hike, ski, etc. among sober folk. I may take up fighting again so that my impulse to drink is eliminated by my desire to make it through 5 rounds of sparring.

I like hearing that I 'can't' do something. My impetus toward the goal becomes that much stronger. Thank you.

I guess it doesn't hurt to count... Day 3.
sobersolstice is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to sobersolstice For This Useful Post:
Mireille (06-19-2017), WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-19-2017, 02:37 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 187,711
Blog Entries: 1
There's no law that requires you to take advice SS - a prudent man might stop to consider so many people suggesting the same thing - but I've known a lot of imprudent impulsive and downright impatient people get sober too.

Best wishes to you however you want to do it.

D
Dee74 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Dee74 For This Useful Post:
AnvilheadII (06-19-2017), Delizadee (06-19-2017), Mireille (06-19-2017), sobersolstice (06-19-2017), WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-19-2017, 02:46 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by sobersolstice View Post
I must FIGHT this affliction. It is the ENEMY.

THE ENEMY MUST BE DESTROYED.
The attitude of fight is contrary to the solution found in AA. The enemy is not destroyed- it is removed.

Who cares to admit complete defeat- practically no one (AA 12x12 First line Step One).
Step Two, "We had to quit fighting..."
Step Ten We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. .

Are you a member of AA? The steps remove the problem.
lunahunt is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to lunahunt For This Useful Post:
August252015 (06-25-2017), Delizadee (06-19-2017), sobersolstice (06-19-2017), tomsteve (06-19-2017), WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-19-2017, 03:10 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sobersolstice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by lunahunt View Post
The attitude of fight is contrary to the solution found in AA. The enemy is not destroyed- it is removed.

Who cares to admit complete defeat- practically no one (AA 12x12 First line Step One).
Step Two, "We had to quit fighting..."
Step Ten We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. .

Are you a member of AA? The steps remove the problem.
AA has not worked for me. If I had the money, I would put $40k on a non-12 step rehab right now, and leave today to check myself in. I have $500 in my total bank account and need to feed my parents and save for my mother's funeral. It's time to face reality, and work hard, drink water, and stay healthy. My health is already compromised. I must repair myself so I can love myself and others more. The way I function, I must be hard on myself or I will falter. There will be no weak moments. When the AV appears, I will float the wave until it destroys itself.

Why do I feel like I'm being criticized?
sobersolstice is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to sobersolstice For This Useful Post:
Mireille (06-19-2017), WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-19-2017, 03:16 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sobersolstice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
There's no law that requires you to take advice SS - a prudent man might stop to consider so many people suggesting the same thing - but I've known a lot of imprudent impulsive and downright impatient people get sober too.

Best wishes to you however you want to do it.

D
Suggesting what? The doctor, the ER, AA, a program? I just need a like minded community; and by that, a sober community I can relate to. 12 steps is 100% not for me.
sobersolstice is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to sobersolstice For This Useful Post:
Mireille (06-19-2017), WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-19-2017, 03:28 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 187,711
Blog Entries: 1
Don't tag me back in... LOL.

There's been some good suggestions here, whether you agree with them all or not.

At least you've moved on from being upset with yourself to being upset with everyone else, right? LOL

D
Dee74 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Dee74 For This Useful Post:
August252015 (06-25-2017), Delizadee (06-19-2017), Mireille (06-19-2017), WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-19-2017, 03:42 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
sobersolstice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 390
I can't sleep and I'm irritable. I just feel ostracized.

I'm not angry with anyone, but now just feel I'm being recommended methodologies I have an aversion toward after already stating what has and hasn't worked for me. I'm not here to create conflict, but am I wrong that I need to fight for my sobriety? I have gained a lot of knowledge in here and appreciate everyone, but maybe I'm a bit aggressive in general? I apologize.

I should get up and go to work before sunrise.
sobersolstice is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to sobersolstice For This Useful Post:
Dee74 (06-19-2017), Delizadee (06-19-2017), Mireille (06-19-2017), WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-19-2017, 03:59 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 187,711
Blog Entries: 1
Ok...

This is a public forum - lots of posters... you're going to get people disagreeing with you.

You don't have to take people's advice though.
I'm not in AA and I'm doing ok

I don't agree you have to push your body to the limit in early recovery to 'get through detox faster', and I don't agree with the fighting metaphor.

I spent 20 years fighting myself and the only thing that happened was I fought myself to a standstill - two equal but opposite combatants.

When I fought myself I got tired, and when I got tired I got weak, and I drank.

I won when I dropped my gloves and exited the ring.

I know it makes no sense, but thats because my redemption has come through healing, not fighting.

That being said there are members here (usually male) who very much believe in the 'fight to the death' scenario, and they seem to be doing just as ok as I am.

It's an internet forum - try and not let it get you all bent out of shape.

Try your way...if it doesn't work or needs retooling, we'll help.

If it does work you can come back and tell us I told you so

D
Dee74 is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Dee74 For This Useful Post:
August252015 (06-25-2017), Berrybean (06-19-2017), Delizadee (06-19-2017), doggonecarl (06-19-2017), Mireille (06-19-2017), sobersolstice (06-19-2017), WeaverBird (06-19-2017)
Old 06-19-2017, 10:04 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Member
 
PurpleKnight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,855
You should definitely fight for your Sobriety, if we don't do it, no one can do it for us!!

SR is a great place for being one size doesn't fit all, soo many methods, views and success stories, all achieving the same thing, Sobriety, but getting there through different ways and means.

People naturally therefore will talk from their own experiences, because when I boil my own Sobriety down, that's all I have to offer, my experiences, it's one of the great aspects of SR, people coming together able to give plenty of ideas, but you ultimately get to choose what to try and you can leave the rest, the aim is Sobriety and our method will differ, but that's fine.

SR is in your corner!!
PurpleKnight is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to PurpleKnight For This Useful Post:
sobersolstice (06-19-2017)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:43 PM.