2ndhandrose

Jeff, I hope you are doing okay. I was new around the time your wife was in California and I remember silently rooting for you to get it together.

And, man, you did! Look at you now! You've got this!

CONTEXT95

Im new so im not familiar with you or your story but everyone is calling you by your first name so you must be a respected member. i feel since im currently locked in addiction and just starting to try recovery that nothing i can say will really help you but i just wanted to say i hope you can resist the urges. love from Canada

doggonecarl

I have nothing to add except knowing where you are coming from, because my relapse occurred when my wife left town for a couple days. I so disappointed myself with my actions.

We can't let our addiction take our integrity hostage.

Hawkeye13

Hi Jeff;

You did the right thing--you logged in, you're facing the identity you once were, but like others have said, you aren't that man anymore.
You are the rock others lean on now, so do plenty of leaning if needed.
You've more than earned it.

I know you will get through this, and in the end, your single-rep sobriety deadlift will go through the ceiling.

What are your plans for taking care of you this weekend?
How about some golf, or a massage?

ScottFromWI

How's it going this AM jeff? Don't isolate...that's the last thing you want to do.

thomas11

So far so good gang. Little rough last night emotionally. Got a day planned today so that's good. Will be here quite a bit.

thomas11

Pretty good. Got squarely into the routine this morning. Shower, made the bed, coffee, let the dog out etc....I NEED that.

thomas11

YES! I need to do some painting and packing so plenty to do.

Delizadee

Glad to hear you made it through Jeff I had faith in you.
I think you should have more faith in yourself. Glad you posted instead of driving yourself nuts and wrestling with these thoughts alone.

nova84

So pleased to hear you made it through...good on ya 😊😊😊

DontRemember

You sold your house,right? Glad you're doing well and got over the "hump". I've followed your story the past few years and you've always helped me through ruff times..Glad you're here!

thomas11

I'll be adding to this thread periodically throughout the weekend. Towards the end of my drinking career it was Thursday, Friday, Saturday drink days. So I need to get through today, and I will. But I have no worries starting tomorrow because I haven't drank alcohol on a Sunday in probably 3+ years and never on Monday/Tuesday.

thomas11

I haven't sold it yet, I'm getting it ready. I got very good news yesterday and that was for a $1500 investment I'll likely get 30K more for the home. So that made me happy. We have a unique situation here and that is that we have what they call Riparian rights. Riparian rights are lake access rights and all that it entails. The market is very good right now and we don't use the lake anymore so its a good time for us to sell and move on.

thomas11

Now that I've been sober for about 20 months maybe some of you folks can help me out. Many of you know me from when I first joined the forum and was drinking and got hurt etc...but my deep seeded problems stem from the 90's. I went 5 years without any employment and made my living on the wrong side of the tracks. Anything from drugs to stolen truckloads of Armani suits. To this day it bothers me and when I feel "weak" I get really bad thoughts because I think for the most part I am a positive person. But I've done bad in my life and I just don't know how to repair that.

2muchpain

You are making up for your past mistakes every day you are sober Jeff. I'm sure during the past 20 months you've done a lot of good for people. You are clearly a different person today. I personally don't judge anybody that was in your situation. If I was down and out like you were, I'd probably do the same thing. You did what you had to do to survive. Although I can't put myself in your shoes, I did a lot of terrible things to satisfy my emotional needs. Regrets only keep us from moving forward. The progress you have made is nothing short of amazing. Have a good one. John

halfalife

I too have struggled with ruminating over past regrets, shame and finding a way to forgive myself.

I can imagine if a good friend confessed his/her transgressions to you that you would have an easier time loving, accepting, and comforting them through those emotions. For some reason it's hard to offer the same kindness and understanding towards ourselves. It's as if we believe we need to punish ourselves by continually reminding ourselves of how we could have done so much better at the time. The past is there and will stay there.

I have read quite a bit of your story and I have gathered that where you were emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually were the driving forces to motivate you getting sober and redefining the healthy thriving version that was inside you all along. You wouldn't make those choices now because you have grown into the person you were meant to be. Maybe in helping others here on SR and building a healthy life for yourself - you are doing just that, repairing the shame and little by little you will be able to forgive yourself.

Being unable to forgive yourself is a heavy burden to carry around. I suspect for most of us here on SR that the act of unburdening ourselves is part of the journey in being and staying sober.

Who you were and who you are now are worlds apart.

courage2

Being alone at home used to be scary for me. Now I keep busy in the daytime -- like you are -- and at night I indulge myself in little harmless things that I wouldn't if my mate were here -- I wear my rattiest clothes, eat in bed, and watch ridiculous movies on netflix that he would hate. Silly but it gets me through.

It's totally legitimate for you to think of your past wrong-doings and wonder how to make reparations for them. Maybe you could volunteer at a drug abuse hotline, if you've been part of the drug trade. Worried about ripping off Armani? Start leaving big tips to people making minimum wage (or less). Especially delivery guys.

Even if you do something like the above, keep in mind that ruminating over the past *right now* may be a way for your alcoholism to get a toehold while the wife's away. Whatever you think on, think ahead, not behind.

Dee74

It's good to have high expectations of ourselves but when they get impossibly high, things can get a bit slippery and overwhelming.

I try to life my life everyday on the basis of making a difference, some positive effect on the world.

A kind of living amends.

Doing something like that is a lot better than beating yourself up for things that happened 25 years ago.

D

Saskia

You can do this, Jeff!

PhoenixJ

drinking and self pity made more life much, much worse. support to you.