lwaylvr

so here we go...it's going to be a lengthy story, sorry.

I met my boyfriend 6 months ago when he was hired at my work. It was an instant attraction for me, he is beautiful and funny and easy to talk to, musically talented just the whole package. He is one of those guys people are drawn to and I was going to make him mine...Lol.

So the first two months we talked here and there about work stuff no real connection yet. Then one day I saw him sitting outside work, smoking and looking depressed. I asked if he was okay and he said yeah but I could see in his eyes he wasn't. I friended him on FB and after a week he finally messaged me and I asked him again how he was doing and he said he had been sober for 3 months and recently relapsed. His drug(s) of choice shooting up heroin and meth. Being an ex-addict of meth I don't judge other addicts. Because I was very accepting of the information he was giving we chatted for 8 hours until we both had to be at work. It was Saturday and although he was high on meth we spent all our breaks and lunch together and just clicked like almost too good. From that day forward we talked every day and hung out at work but just as friends. He started shooting heroin and meth at work and one day almost overdosed in the bathroom, he was immediately fired. Over the next month, I saw him every day after work and we became best friends. He was still using and living with his parents but he wasn't out of control. We always had a blast together doing nothing just being around each other so eventually, friendship turned into more and we had like a month of bliss. Then he met some people that were also addicts and started hanging out with them all day doing what was needed to get more drugs then he would be at home waiting for me when I got off work. Soon he started telling me about his friends and how they wanted to meet me and then he integrated us. I started to notice that he was high all the time and constantly on his phone and trying to score. He was never like that, he really didn't bring me into that part of his life and I was glad. His parents started to notice too and eventually, they kicked him out and that's when it all went to hell. By this time I am 100% in love with him and he I but stuff started to get real. He was now homeless and hanging out in his friend's garage doing drugs all day. They were stealing and I never knew where he was or what he was doing. There was no longer an us just him and I just happened to be there. We were never alone and he was never not high or looking to get high. This, of course, caused problems because I had become third in his life after drugs and his friends. His usage got greater and greater to where even his friends said he was out of control. It got to the point we had a mini intervention and he agreed he needed help. I got him into detox in a not so nice place but it was free and he needed it. He walked out after 4 days and stayed sober 2 more days. We continued to fight about his lack of attention in our relationship, that is all we talked/fought about. He could see the pain he was causing me daily and decided he had to leave me. I was devastated and he relapsed that night. We got back together the next day and he promised he would go to rehab and I believed him. The next two weeks things got worse between us and I finally told him I was done. The next night he was texting me that he was in trouble and he can't live this life anymore and he needed me to locate him and come save him. I ended up doing that and taking him to my town and putting us up in a hotel so he could detox and I had some friends pull some strings to get him into rehab that Monday. He slept the whole 2 days and on the third day we got into a fight and in my efforts to keep him from buying heroin he left after having a meltdown. I told him if he left we were through. He chose heroin so I erased and disconnected his phone (I was paying for) I haven't heard from him since Sunday evening and it's killing me. I don't know what to do now.

Also, he has been doing heroin since he was 15 (he is 26 and I am 45...I know I know...LOL) He doesn't have a bottom. The only thing that scares him is death. He is also Bipolar and was molested at age 8. He finally is on his meds but taken them whilst on street drugs isn't doing any good. Did I do the right thing by abandoning him? He has nobody except a crazy drug dealer "friend" he started selling drugs just to feed his habit and has started using Xanax also.

least

Welcome to the family. You know you cannot 'fix' your bf. He has to want to get clean for himself. If it were me, I would let him live his own life without getting sucked into the drama and despair that goes with addiction.

I hope he seeks help for himself.

Maudcat

Hi, lway. welcome.
Lots of support here.
First, it is a very good thing that you have walked away from this person.
he is an addict.
That you have been supporting.
He is using illegal drugs. If he is arrested and you are with him, you could be as well.
Good bye, job.
You haven't abandoned him. You have walked away from a really dicey situation that holds nothing but pain and heartbreak for you.
I would bet that there have been other women before you who supported and cared for him, and, until he develops meth teeth and loses those good looks because of his drug use, there will be others after you.
That is how addicts roll. They take hostages.
So the next question is: do you have a plan in place for when he shows up at your door?
Cuz he will. They always do.

thomas11

What advice would you give a friend in your exact situation? In other words, what advice would you give yourself?

Anna

I think you know that walking away was the right thing to do, even though it's very hard to do that. Your boyfriend has problems he will have to fix, and hopefully he will decide to do that.

lwaylvr

I live 40 minutes from where he is hanging around and he has no car he doesn't have my address because he lost his phone. I know I am doing the right thing but I hate thinking of him being alone and vulnerable. A girl from where he hangs just called me and told me he's not doing good and told me where he is and I told her I can't go get him anymore. I hate that he has even put me in this position.

lwaylvr

I know what I would tell a friend. The problem is I give great advice but I can't follow my own. Why is that? I guess when you aren't emotionally attached it's easier to see things clearly.

Maudcat

Well, he is alone and vulnerable because of the choices he has made.
I know, he is an addict, so choice may not be a factor at this point.
My point is, being with an addict is really, really hard, as you know.
Best to just stay away.
Good luck and good thoughts.

Berrybean

He doesn't have a bottom yet because he's still young and attractive enough to find hostages (freinds and girlfriends) to solve the problems as they arise, unaware that they are not actually helping him but enabling him to keep his lifestyle together in such a way that its not quite painful enough to do anything about. YET. When he eventually does find his own bottom (which hopefully won't be too far down - it isn't for all of us) he will be the only person capable of making that decision that he's sick and tired or being sick an tired, and that his using actually isnt a real coping strategy for any pain he's in from early childhood experiences anyway. Its not something you can easily call him out on. I clung on to my own history and painful episodes that it contained as a way of self-justifying my behaviour. In the end i was forced to see that it didn't solve anynof the things I professed ut helped. Didn't even help ease the pain or salve the resentments about them in the end either. Once i got sober and started work on my recovery I was able to seek the help I needed to get those past wounds out from under the many years of ineffective bandaging and muffling, assess them for what they were with a trusted person, then make the decision that they did not have to ruin the rest of my life if I didn't want them to. I needed to do some work on that stuff because it felt, at the heart of it like I was abandoning my childhood self by moving on and I needed to work past that. And I did. But I could never have done that any way other than sober.

In the meantime you have definitely done the right thing.

BB

Outonthetiles

I understand that sentiment completely. It's easy to sit back and say dump him when you're not emotionally involved. Nevertheless, this will have a bad ending. When the ex drunks all say to get rid of him, you REALLY know you have to get rid of him.