Day 2 again! I'm such an idiot
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 91
Day 2 again! I'm such an idiot
Had a good couple of weeks going and I drank again on Saturday night. I thought u would have a couple of vodkas and it turned into a 2am mess . 2 day hangover. I now realise I can't limit myself to a couple of drinks . It's all or nothing. Really been beating myself up over this . Need to focus and make a real plan . Any advice is welcome.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Have you tried meetings? AA/SMART Recovery are the two biggest groups but there is also SOS, Life Ring, and Celebrate Recovery. AA is 12 step based, SMART is based on Cognative Behavioral Therapy, and SOS/LifeRing are also not based on belief (or disbelief) in a higher power. Celebrate Recovery is Christian 12 Step based. I read in the past you live with your mother who also drinks. Perhaps an Al-Alon meeting might help you deal with that issue.
For me, simply getting out of the house during my drinking hours helped tremendously, even if the only reason was to nurse a cup of Foldgers Instant Coffee while watching the clock minute hand move, reminding me of each minute that I was not drinking.
Know that in all of these meetings the only words you need to say are your name and "pass". Even in AA many don't immediately identify as an alcoholic so if you are not ready to admit that, its okay.
In SMART (I'm a trained facilitator) we don't use those terms just like we don't call ourselves idiots. Did you do an idiotic thing Charli? Yes but you are not your actions.
So for my advice? Find a meeting on Friday since that's a hard day for you. AA, SMART, Al-Anon. Just get yourself to a place where you can't drink. If you can't find a meeting you can get to, call AA Central Office and see if someone may be able to take you. Or call SMART Facilitators for a ride: our numbers are next to the meeting times.
One of my best friends in AA drove people to and from meetings. That was the service he gave to the program.
You know what else works? Going out to the dollar cinema. Going into an art gallery (which is usually free), window shopping on a street block or mall that doesn't sell booze. If you go window shopping, I bring with me a running calculator tab on my phone which tells me how much I saved by not drinking. Then I allow myself (at first I had to force it) to spend that money on myself. Maybe a small nice smelling hand sanitizer if its only been one day since I drank. Also use a notes application to write down an item you see that you hope to be able to buy. Save half the money you spent on booze toward this item. Spend the other half on the smaller purchases so you receive some form of instant gratification from not drinking today, tomorrow and the next.
Also, if you can't make it to a meeting AA and SMART have a lot of online meetings. We also have some 12 Step meetings here in our chat room. Remove yourself from home for that hour and go to a coffee shop or library with Wi-Fi, plug in your headphones and go to an online meeting. Since you live with an active drinker I think its important you remove yourself from that environment so your meetings aren't disturbed and you are tempted during this time you are spending on yourself.
For me, simply getting out of the house during my drinking hours helped tremendously, even if the only reason was to nurse a cup of Foldgers Instant Coffee while watching the clock minute hand move, reminding me of each minute that I was not drinking.
Know that in all of these meetings the only words you need to say are your name and "pass". Even in AA many don't immediately identify as an alcoholic so if you are not ready to admit that, its okay.
In SMART (I'm a trained facilitator) we don't use those terms just like we don't call ourselves idiots. Did you do an idiotic thing Charli? Yes but you are not your actions.
So for my advice? Find a meeting on Friday since that's a hard day for you. AA, SMART, Al-Anon. Just get yourself to a place where you can't drink. If you can't find a meeting you can get to, call AA Central Office and see if someone may be able to take you. Or call SMART Facilitators for a ride: our numbers are next to the meeting times.
One of my best friends in AA drove people to and from meetings. That was the service he gave to the program.
You know what else works? Going out to the dollar cinema. Going into an art gallery (which is usually free), window shopping on a street block or mall that doesn't sell booze. If you go window shopping, I bring with me a running calculator tab on my phone which tells me how much I saved by not drinking. Then I allow myself (at first I had to force it) to spend that money on myself. Maybe a small nice smelling hand sanitizer if its only been one day since I drank. Also use a notes application to write down an item you see that you hope to be able to buy. Save half the money you spent on booze toward this item. Spend the other half on the smaller purchases so you receive some form of instant gratification from not drinking today, tomorrow and the next.
Also, if you can't make it to a meeting AA and SMART have a lot of online meetings. We also have some 12 Step meetings here in our chat room. Remove yourself from home for that hour and go to a coffee shop or library with Wi-Fi, plug in your headphones and go to an online meeting. Since you live with an active drinker I think its important you remove yourself from that environment so your meetings aren't disturbed and you are tempted during this time you are spending on yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 91
Thanks everyone, I'm back in work so distracted today which is good. I'm working on my recovery plan . To be honest there was a really embarrassing incident with my mom at the weekend when she was drunk and she has been very quiet since. I think she may be feeling like reeling in her behaviour too. I am absolutely mortified at what happened but we haven't spoken about it. My dad went crazy. He blames me for enabling her too .
Things just got out of hand . I'm determined now !
Things just got out of hand . I'm determined now !
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
advice?
1 - stop with the idiot talk. It's self-defeating and works against you. and is largely chemical imbalances talking.
2 - make another choice - are you ready to admit that your life is being controlled by alcohol and is unmanageble? Then admit that and CHOOSE SOBRIETY.
3 - TAKE ACTION. Whether AA or SMART or a therapist or sports or meditation or a retreat or whatever.... it matters less WHAT the action is than you TAKING ACTION in support of the choice of sobriety.
4 - Repeat.
1 - stop with the idiot talk. It's self-defeating and works against you. and is largely chemical imbalances talking.
2 - make another choice - are you ready to admit that your life is being controlled by alcohol and is unmanageble? Then admit that and CHOOSE SOBRIETY.
3 - TAKE ACTION. Whether AA or SMART or a therapist or sports or meditation or a retreat or whatever.... it matters less WHAT the action is than you TAKING ACTION in support of the choice of sobriety.
4 - Repeat.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 90
Hi Charli23,
I know the exact feeling and churning emotions that you are experiencing right now - guilt, remorse and incredulity at the foolishness to believe that you could handle 'just a few'. The exact same thing happened to me this weekend. What was supposed to be an enjoyable meal with friends, whereby I told myself a few glasses of wine would be appropriate and acceptable, turned into an all night bender, absurd and shameful behaviour and blackout, followed by days of beating myself up at how I'm back here AGAIN.
All I can share is my own plan to harness this issue and deal with the problem once and for all. I'm going to reinforce the truth to myself, every day, that I am simply someone who cannot have a social few drinks. For whatever reason, this type of engagement with alcohol is beyond me, and so I must make my peace with the fact that I will NEVER be able to change that.
I think the hardest thing to do is letting go, for good, of that niggling belief that is held out for 'when' - when the stressful period passes, when I deal with my other issues, etc. - and that once that time comes, you will be able to control your drinking. For me, I've just realised that this is a dangerous belief that will never be verified and will continue to lead me into relapse and turmoil, destined to repeat the cycle, until I let go of it and understand and commit to full, lifelong sobriety.
I hope that you feel better soon and that you can initiate an inner dialogue to form a long term plan. That is what I am currently trying to do for myself.
Best of luck.
I know the exact feeling and churning emotions that you are experiencing right now - guilt, remorse and incredulity at the foolishness to believe that you could handle 'just a few'. The exact same thing happened to me this weekend. What was supposed to be an enjoyable meal with friends, whereby I told myself a few glasses of wine would be appropriate and acceptable, turned into an all night bender, absurd and shameful behaviour and blackout, followed by days of beating myself up at how I'm back here AGAIN.
All I can share is my own plan to harness this issue and deal with the problem once and for all. I'm going to reinforce the truth to myself, every day, that I am simply someone who cannot have a social few drinks. For whatever reason, this type of engagement with alcohol is beyond me, and so I must make my peace with the fact that I will NEVER be able to change that.
I think the hardest thing to do is letting go, for good, of that niggling belief that is held out for 'when' - when the stressful period passes, when I deal with my other issues, etc. - and that once that time comes, you will be able to control your drinking. For me, I've just realised that this is a dangerous belief that will never be verified and will continue to lead me into relapse and turmoil, destined to repeat the cycle, until I let go of it and understand and commit to full, lifelong sobriety.
I hope that you feel better soon and that you can initiate an inner dialogue to form a long term plan. That is what I am currently trying to do for myself.
Best of luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 91
Thanks LC , the stomach churning and self hatred are subsiding now and can you believe I actually thought mmmmm I'd love a few cold ones later!
That's the thing , as soon as I forget how bad I felt I repeat the same cycle. I know my husbands notices but he won't say anything. He's a quiet man. And we never fight or argue. I seem to be able to hold it together when I'm drinking . Sorry for the long rant but for now , this hour this day and tonight I'm going to ignore the voice in my head and concentrate on getting better!
Good luck to you too !
That's the thing , as soon as I forget how bad I felt I repeat the same cycle. I know my husbands notices but he won't say anything. He's a quiet man. And we never fight or argue. I seem to be able to hold it together when I'm drinking . Sorry for the long rant but for now , this hour this day and tonight I'm going to ignore the voice in my head and concentrate on getting better!
Good luck to you too !
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 90
I know, it's an enigma that I can't comprehend, how you can feel so self loathing and so bad, yet as soon as the initial fear subsides, you start to slowly feel your mind coax itself into thinking 'it wasn't that bad' or shutting out the determination of wanting to stay sober, in favour of that next drink.
I think the only thing we can do is to try and capture that feeling of the morning after, and never let it get so distant from our memory that we forget the profundity of the damage. It's easier said than done, and such a confidence killing cycle, as you begin to feel that you're just repeating the same thing over and over again.
Stay strong and resist the urge - those 'cold ones' just won't be worth it. Think of how proud you'll be after the urge has passed!
I think the only thing we can do is to try and capture that feeling of the morning after, and never let it get so distant from our memory that we forget the profundity of the damage. It's easier said than done, and such a confidence killing cycle, as you begin to feel that you're just repeating the same thing over and over again.
Stay strong and resist the urge - those 'cold ones' just won't be worth it. Think of how proud you'll be after the urge has passed!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Any advice is welcome.
throw out the ass kikin machine. youre not a bad person, just a sick one.
bad people dont feel remorse and guilt for actions.
sick people do.
the great news is there is a solution.
throw out the ass kikin machine. youre not a bad person, just a sick one.
bad people dont feel remorse and guilt for actions.
sick people do.
the great news is there is a solution.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by LastingChange 
how you can feel so self loathing and so bad, yet as soon as the initial fear subsides, you start to slowly feel your mind coax itself into thinking 'it wasn't that bad'
I could forget about all of that and start planning my next drunk because I was addicted to alcohol. Part of my brain was actively working against my self interests in order to get what it wanted - more alcohol.
If you're addicted to alcohol it is a huge mistake to believe everything you think.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 90
Absolutely @nonsensical. The worst mistake is believing that you can drink socially. The pattern doesn't change. For me it has become a critical choice between continuing to delude myself, and cause hurt to those around me and pain to myself, or to just finally accept that I simply cannot have a drink, under any circumstances, ever.
I am not willing to repeat my mistakes over and over until I have nothing left of my self worth, until I irreparably damage my relationships and the perception others have of me as a person.
I am a good person at my core, and sober, I know that I am kind and thoughtful and considerate. It is when I am drunk that I become another person and I hate myself for it. So I need to take control of the situation and stop handing over the reigns to that side of myself.
Thank you for your message!
I am not willing to repeat my mistakes over and over until I have nothing left of my self worth, until I irreparably damage my relationships and the perception others have of me as a person.
I am a good person at my core, and sober, I know that I am kind and thoughtful and considerate. It is when I am drunk that I become another person and I hate myself for it. So I need to take control of the situation and stop handing over the reigns to that side of myself.
Thank you for your message!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
Hi Charli
Many of us thought that maybe now we'd be able to handle it.
It's the condition of active alcoholism. We want to believe we don't have it.
I don't think you're an idiot
I think you might need a better plan tho - there are some good ideas to start you off here?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...very-plan.html
D
Many of us thought that maybe now we'd be able to handle it.
It's the condition of active alcoholism. We want to believe we don't have it.
I don't think you're an idiot
I think you might need a better plan tho - there are some good ideas to start you off here?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...very-plan.html
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3,597
The one theme I see constantly at SR is "I'll try moderation." It doesn't work. It's a seemingly iron clad rule: our addiction won't let us stop with just one. It always leads to more and more and we're back on the crazy train again.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 90
Originally Posted by Outonthetiles
The one theme I see constantly at SR is "I'll try moderation." It doesn't work. It's a seemingly iron clad rule: our addiction won't let us stop with just one. It always leads to more and more and we're back on the crazy train again.
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