Vinomum

This is my first post, I found SR after spending the morning googling for help and support with yet another hangover and at a complete loss of what to with myself.

So here goes,

Im a mum to a gorgeous little boy aged 3, I have a great supportive partner, I have my own business, little financial worries, great friends. Most would say I have the perfect life, but everyday I fight the battle of wine oclock.

I don't drink in the day unless Im out having lunch, but I spend most of the day thinking about that first glass of wine and making sure my wine fridge is well stocked. Wine is taking over my life, I have no control over my drinking, I drink almost every day, once I start I find it hard to stop. I wake the next morning feeling sick with guilt and anxious, ratty and irritable telling myself I wont drink that night, then as soon as lunch time comes Im thinking about wine again. Im in such a vicious circle and I just don't know how to make it stop.

The worst thing about it all is I lost my mum 4 years ago to alcohol. I know the devastating effects alcoholism can cause, I vowed I would never put my baby through what I went through yet here I am, on the brink of going down the same path. I use to cry and beg her not to drink and couldn't understand what she was going though and why she just wouldn't stop, now I fully understand how alcohol can take a grip and ruin lives.

I use to exercise every day, was always active and enjoyed Life. Now I struggle to get through the day, my relationship is strained because of my drinking and Ive lost all feeling and emotion towards my partner, I manage to maintain my business but my head always feels fuzzy. My little one is always well provided for but I know I am failing him by not being a proper mum. Every day I feel like the worst mother and partner in the world. I just want to feel happy and not under the spell of wine. Im petrified of missing out enjoying this precious time with my little one. I know that how I am feeling is all because I drink.

Im so scared of going down the same path of my mum, I just want to put a stop to it. I just don't know how. By tonight Il be craving that glass of wine. Its like having the devil and angel on my shoulders, the angel is saying no don't do but the devil has the overwhelmingness of making me think its ok to have it.

I was on anti depressants for 5 years, which I remember was when I really started drinking more regularly and increasingly after the loss of my mum, I stopped taking them the beginning of this year, I felt good for the first month and had cut my drinking back but my it has gradually got worse. The dr has recommended I go back on them but after a few days I felt such awful side effects, probably because I was drinking on them so I stopped. I know if I wasn't drinking I would feel better in myself but I just cant seem to control it. When I think back when I last felt happy was during pregnancy and the first 4 months of my little one being born. After that my drinking started to increase from a glass of wine on the odd night to every day, then from a glass to a bottle.

A lot of my friends will openly say they often have a glass of wine at night, as it seems to be a more common thing for mummies to put the kids to bed and pour a glass, but I know they are not like me drinking bottles and everyday. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends about the amount I drink as they wouldn't understand. My partner keeps telling me I need to sort out my drinking and that its out of hand, which makes me feel guilty so I hide the amount I drink from him. My partner doesn't really drink in the week, and only enjoys a few beers on the weekend. I wish I could just have the control like he has.

I would really be grateful of any help, advise from people who have been in a similar situation and how they've beaten the devil on the shoulder.

HTown

Hi, welcome to SR. Some folks should be along shortly with great info. for you. This is a wonderful resource. Read and post a lot.

The thing that worked for me was never drinking at all. I do not have one glass, or one beer. I do not want 1 drink. No point. I drink to get drunk.

Once I stoppedcompletely a year ago, my shame, guilt, depression, everything went away. I am so happy a year later. I cannot tell you how strong and proud inside I feel. Good luck to you.

Ananda

I'm so glad you are here!

I think that when I first came I had to cruise around the threads a bit and see diferent posts that might help me.

There is a post on here somewhere about recovery plans and the different types, I hope someone more savey than me can post that for you.

I am on medication. By itself, well ... I just drank on it which really made them not work.

Now I have a councelor, attend some AA, post and read on SR daily, and follow a spiritual path that aids in my recovery. I piece together a program that works to keep me sober. Many of the tools are ones I found here at SR by reading threads and posting.

The only solid advise I can give is keep coming to this site and start building up something that will stand between you and a drink.

Hope to see you post more

Nands

least

Welcome to the family. Wine took over my life too. My kids were teens when I started drinking and I put them thru hell.

I had to take drinking off the table as an option. Not even one. It was hard at first and the urge to drink was strong, but with more sober time it got easier.

I hope our support can help you get sober for good.

Daucuscarota

Sober Day # 121 after being dependent on wine, daily, for years.
************************************************** *******************

Hi Vinomum,

Welcome to SR. Congratulations on taking a first big step towards health by joining here. This is a great place and there are a lot of caring people here. You will get a lot of support.

4 1/2 months ago, I could almost have written your post word for word (except for a few details, for ex: my kids are older now).
I too was a slave to wine for years. It totally controlled me, and all day I looked forward to opening that bottle at 5 PM. I was drinking about a bottle and a quarter almost every night-----it was very rare that I skipped a day. I was hiding how much I was drinking from my family as well. I felt a lot of shame. Also, I was starting to get medical symptoms (my blood pressure was up, GI problems, etc.)
It was truly like being in prison. I lost all interest in everything else except for drinking.

Anyway, I have not had a drop for 4 months now and I cannot tell you enough how much better life is now! I am free from the chains of bondage!!!!All of the medical symptoms are gone, and I feel such a sense of peaceful calm, and no more shame.

This site has helped me immensely. There is a great community here, and there is always someone here 24/7 if I need support.
You are going to have to stop drinking completely, cold turkey. People like us can not moderate or taper, or "just have one glass" , because our neurocircuitry has been physiologically changed by our addiction to alcohol, which is why we have no control over it----it controls us.
If I can do it, you can! If you have severe withdrawel symptoms, you will need medical supervision to stop. I didn't, but everyone is different. After the first few days without alcohol, the cravings will let up. Just keep coming here every day and read and post.
Join the June thread (in this forum).
Recovery does not just mean quitting drinking, it means creating a whole new life, and learning to deal with stresses in new ways other than pouring a glass (substitution with healthier coping mechanisms.)

Besides this site, I strongly recommend that you read this book:
The Easy Way to Stop Drinking by Allen Carr

and take the mini course on this site:
https://rational.org/index.php?id=253

and keep reading here. Start with this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

Wishing you the best of luck! Sending you strength and hugs. We can do this together!

tealily

Vinomum, Welcome. I'm so glad you posted. That really is often the first step toward making a permanent change.

So much of what you say resonates with me.

I, too, was a wine-drinking mom. It's so easy to slip into the suburban mom, wine drinking thing. Doesn't "everybody" do it? Well, no. Not a bottle a night. For the past 5 years I've been trying to moderate, step back, stop, but it was a broken record and the same cycle you described: Waking up feeling horrible and regretting wine the night before, feeling shame at what I'm doing to myself and my family, swearing I wouldn't drink that night, marking the day as the new Day One, but by the afternoon, giving in. Thinking again about wine, going out to buy it, and repeating the same cycle, over and over, drinking an entire bottle late a night, collapsing into bed, waking up four hours later, miserable, barely getting through the morning as a mom, then repeating, day after day.

Seeing my world contract. Getting things done, as you are, but just barely. All the extra, beautiful things that used to bring us joy, fallen by the wayside. Everything down to wine: Thinking about wine, buying wine, drinking wine, hiding wine, disposing of wine, regretting wine, over and over.

I am now two weeks without any, and I feel I've finally turned a corner. In the past, I've felt deprived. "Oh, poor me, not being able to drink like others." But now, instead of feeling I "deserve" that drink, I'm realizing I "deserve" so much more than that, and so do my kids and my husband. I have somehow flipped a switch and see it for what it was. Poison. Wanting poison was an illusion, a lie, a brain trick. I didn't "deserve" it. I actually "deserve" health, energy, restful sleep, being present for my children and having pride in myself. And so do you!

Our kids deserve a mother who is truly present, engaged and healthy. Your son is young enough that if you change now, he'll never remember this version of you. It's a wonderful opportunity, and you posting here means you know you want better for yourself and for him.

Please keep posting here. There's so much good advice and support. You CAN make a change.

Vinomum

Thank you all so so much for taking time to reply to me. Im still trying to get to grips with how the website works. I've never posted in a forum before.

I cant believe that there are so many others that have been through the same thing. Its great to see there is light at the end of this horrible tunnel.

I know I can go today without a drink, purely because I feel so awful today. Though I am concerned my chest feels tight, pulse is racing and jittery in general.

I know tomorrow lunch time my head will be thinking about wine and I'll spend the afternoon battling with myself over not drinking. Is there any good tips of reducing the cravings? xx

kenton

Hi vinomum,

I'm a mum of little ones too and I lost my dad last year to alcoholism. I also have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and for many years I let the devil call the shots. Like you, my devil liked me to drink wine. Often and always to excess.

One day I decided, like you that enough was enough. I told the devil to shut up, poured all the wine away and stopped drinking. Whenever the devil piped up, which was often in the beginning, I reminded myself that I wasn't drinking today. It's hard to imagine months and years without wine. Doing it one day at a time is far easier. Now when the devil starts to talk, I post here. I remind myself that I have lost NOTHING by giving up wine and gained EVERYTHING .

Decide now that wine o clock is not happening today. When the devil starts to talk, post here, have a bath, read a book, watch TV. Do anything except pour that glass of wine. Take it one day at a time. The devil on my shoulder will never go away. But now it's so much easier to ignore. Good luck

Daucuscarota

A craving is like a wave. It will pass in a few minutes. When it comes, do not focus on it---- distract yourself by doing something else, and before you know it, it will be gone. Go for a walk, take a shower, watch a movie, have a glass of soda or a cup of tea, or eat something. Come here to SR and read/post.
Right now, just concentrate on getting through the day until you go to sleep tonight----one day at a time.
There are a lot of good tips for cravings in those links I sent you.

PhoenixJ

Hi VM- SR is great, a game changer for me. I also need f2f support- through whatever it takes. I wrote somewhere else recently that I now put the same effort (if not more) into sobriety than I did in drinking. So that means making a commitment to myself- to do stuff every day that keeps it real. If I just got sober and did not have that reminder I WOULD relapse- and the next relapse for most is far worse- for me it WILL mean death.
So AA meetings, SMART, psychologist, counsellor, doctor check ups, a routine, journal, writing, art, shouting at god, doing things which are positive 'outside my comfort zone', listen to what people say- and try what they advise instead of the 'I tried that once, but it was not for me', mindful breathing, exercise. HALTS, (Hungry,Angry,Lonely, Tired, Sad- if anxious- am I any of these, if so fix it- or get some one to help me fix it), diet, water...blah. Proactive action with informed decision making- not just hoping- or wanting luck.
Good for you- you are young enough with the awareness you have to make a real difference. Put out the spot fire before it turns into a firestorm (like I did). Empathy and support to you.
BTW- you are doing this- firstly for YOU, not just for your family. PJ

Pondlady

Welcome VM

What a great post, you have a lot of self awareness.......I was still a bit in denial when I quit drinking wine ( all alcohol, but wine was my thing ) 5 years ago.

I believe there is a genetic predisposition to drinking problems and we take to drinking, like a duck to water. The good news is, you don't have to live that life.

I decided to stop drinking in June, 5 years ago...the summer stretched before me. I had to change up my routine and either not be home, when I'd normally reach for the wine and goblet, or distract myself. I took lots of walks, ran errands etc. I found if I could get through that 2- 3 hour period when I normally drank, the cravings subsided.

I kept my routine very simple, going to bed and getting up, around the same time, enjoying scented candles and bubble baths in the evenings....I treated myself to soft new sheets and PJ's.

I asked my husband to not drink beer, till I was over the hump. He didn't have a problem, but I'd vow to not drink wine, then he'd crack a cold one after gardening and jump in the pool and I'd be off to the races.

I also avoided the wine department in our grocery department.....it always looks so glamorous and I didn't need the temptation. I didn't have a big social engagement for about 4 months, so never put myself around alcohol. I had no booze in the house.

5 years later, I can tell you there is NOTHING I miss about alcohol / wine. Total waste of time, money and calories. I work out every day and my interest in things I love, has returned.

Mizzuno

Welcome to SR ,
I was a bottle a day drinker myself. I knew that something had to change even when I was drinking, but I was on a roller coaster of trying to maintain it....or control it. I could not control it and I could not maintain.

My last episode of drinking resulted in 2 bottles of wine and a black out. I knew at that moment that everything in my life needed change. I was destroying myself.

The first few weeks were difficult as I set about structuring my "new" routine. I had to find ways to keep myself away from alcohol and away from anything that would trigger me.

Each day was structured:
After work I ate dinner. I took a bath or washed off the day in some way. I logged onto SR and posted or read. I watched an episode of a series that I enjoy or picked up a book. I went to bed. All actions were repeated the next day.

It was hard work in the beginning but I was determined to make it work as I did not want to die because I was alcoholic or at the grips of active alcoholism.

The benefits from quitting have been numerous:
No hangovers
Emotional clarity
Mental Clarity
Spiritually level
Physical health
Skin looks great
Eyes are clear
Bank account is steady (It really is amazing how much money was spent)
Weight is steady
Relationships are healthy and engaging
My step child sees sober and engaging parents
Productivity is through the roof


I dont think about drinking any longer. I think about recovering and building a solid foundation of health. I know that drinking will only result in a mess for me. I cannot go there again. Drinking was a war. Not drinking has peace and stability.

It is perfectly acceptable to change what is not working for you. To admit that alcohol is not serving a purpose. We all have many reasons for what we do but those reasons can change and before you know it, you are trapped in a vicious cycle with a hangover everyday. Its just too much weight to bare.

There are amazing people on this site. The forum leader and Dee, along with the moderators and countless others have been very helpful for me. Please stay close and keep posting. Before you know it you will have gained some control and your life will turn itself back around!

Please keep posting. The real work begins

kel08

hi and welcome. I'm sorry to hear the battle you are having, your story sounds very similar to my own. wine o clock, turned slowly but surely to wine around the clock. I have 2 kids, 9 and 7. You have admitted your drinking is out of your control, and that really is a very hard acceptance to come to, and the start of something great. You are looking at a fork in the road, and some don't get that opportunity, they bypass it or stick their head in the sand, and you aren't doing that. You are here and this is a fantastic resource. I had 4 months totally sober, just from using this site alone, imagine what can be done if I had used the extra resources as well?! which is exactly what I am planning to do, to make my last slight relapse (1 evening), my last ever.

My partner also had enough of my drinking, left me several times and only returned if I promised if I sorted it out, and has only stayed as I have shown real willing, not just lip service. My kids were aware I drank wine and I only understood how they viewed it when I went to buy some wine with the shopping and my 5 year old said 'oh no, not wine again, it makes you cry' (which it did as I was drinking through grief myself). I haven't forgotten how mortified and guilty I felt, however sadly it didn't stop me until a few months later, is amazing what isn't enough to stop you. You are right in what you say, you couldn't understand why your mother didn't just quit, it takes such a grip and you blindly into it. But you do now. I drank for years socially, then just one day it changed. Now I can never go back to being a social drinker, it got me good.

I don't have a huge amount of advice as I'm still learning, but I know certain things helped me. One was being here regulalarly and taking inspiration. second was making lists of reasons to quit handy. To start to imagine what possibilities a life without hangovers can have, what goals you want to achieve for yourself and family. Sobriety is worth the effort put in, I promise you that! Its why I want it so badly too, once you have a taste of it, you realise you have just been existing previously. Now you really get to live, and to be who you want to be for you, and your little boy. I wish you all the best. Today can be your day 1, you just need to plan a different routine for tonight, perhaps log on here too, its saved me manier times. you will be amazed what changing a routine can do though. I would love to see you here tomorrow for day 2!

thomas11

As you can see, there is a ton of support and encouragement here. That alcohol thing is progressive, starts out innocent enough for many of us, and next thing you know 10 years have passed and its out of control. The only advice I can offer is that if you want to quit, it has to be 110% commitment. Cutting back or controlling it usually doesn't work for folks like us. Its all or nothing. I wish you the best.

nova84

Hi Vinomum,

For me I finally reached the point where the benefits of sobriety FAR outweighed the perceived 'benefits' of drinking. Now I do not feel I am battling with the angel and the devil...there is nothing tempting about alcohol for me now...it has brought me nothing but shame, guilt, regret and anxiety. I would suggest maybe making a list of the negatives of drinking and the positives of sobriety to clarify in your own mind all that you have to gain and all the pain you would be leaving behind.

Wishing you well on your recovery journey x

Cleomie

Remember HALT.
Avoid getting:
Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.
These can trigger you you drink.
Be aware of this.

tealily

Some things that help me with cravings:

Start timing them. Notice the time of day they happen, and then just wait them out. You'll be surprised how quickly the cravings ease. If you analyze them, look at them almost scientifically, somehow it seems to take away their power. It is a brain trick, after all. You know for certain that the way you've been drinking is not good for you.

On top of that, have ZERO access to alcohol. Don't buy it, don't even go into that part of the store. If you have any at home, get rid of it.

The cravings will diminish. They are only thoughts, and you don't have to act on them.

I've come to see it this way: when you get to the point that when drinking is ruining your life and you want to stop, it really is a binary choice: You either choose to pour poison into your body and continue to ruin your life, or choose to be healthy and have a better life, for yourself and your family. Once I realized I'm not depriving myself, but giving myself a gift, it became so much easier!

You can do it!

Mattq2

Vinomum,
When I first reached out here to SR, I felt real fear. I felt so alone and thought I was the only one in this world experiencing this hell. Through SR I found there are many like me, and more importantly many like me that got sober for good.

You are not alone and we do understand. We are here for you . Post often, it really helps

tealily

Vinomum,

How are you doing today? We are cheering you on.

Hang in there. I know you want to change things. Today is a day to keep pushing through toward a better life!

Cocobeano

I don't have a wine fridge. I would have it gone. I always buy one bottle. Then I find a way to get more. It's hard. I'm on day one. I finally told my husband I need help. I was candid and vulnerable.

It's hard. Day to is ok. Three I'm irritable. Never make it to four. Good luck. I'm just going to not have it here and face the discomfort in the face. You can too. Stay in touch.