courage2

"I say that we are wound
With mercy round and round
As if with air --"

alphaomega

It's not so much "despair" .

It's more "what in the actual f ?"

I dunno. Perhaps it's that the general somatic world has shifted from being a "can't we all just get along" to "holy hell".

Gone are the days of my feeling purpose in being a midwife for the Light.

The world we reside in currently requires warriors. Those that rush in where angels fear to tread.
For what ?
Hell if I know.

But when 16 year old girls are hacking up good Samaritans who pick them up in the middle of the night, and small business owners who fired a disgruntled, now have orphaned children ?

Get it ALL right, do the work, and die at the hands of a jihadist while having a cappuccino with your 11 year old.

Forget about our collective conscious of "doing the right thing" and loving thy neighbor, and feeding the hungry. Both spiritual and otherwise.

The heartbeat of the world is morphing into one I do not, and can not, wrap my head around.

And I swear, I am trying.

And, if this IS what I happened to sign up for, then somebody better give this old softy some combat training.

Because I'd be the absolute first to perish.

It's no measure of success to be well adjusted in a profoundly sick society.

least

Sadly, I must agree with this.

Dee74

In all the years I drank or drugged I never did anythign to change the world. Now at least I try.

I'm not a warrior either - but each and everyone one of us has a role to play, if they step up.

Be the change you want to see in the world, right?

D

Meraviglioso

I think a lot of us are there with you in not understanding what the world is coming to AO. It is an ugly place right now, full of ugly things and ugly people. But this does not mean we all have to sink into despair and give up- give up all hope, give up trying for something better, give up trying to make changes in our own lives and the lives of others. I know if all seems so useless sometimes, but I don't think that means we should stop trying.
I'll give an example, and bear with me because this is kind of round-a-about. I think I have mentioned my volunteer work with a small group of Nigerian refugees here in Italy. I got started in that through a friend who had taken on this project with her husband. She had seen these people and other like them begging in the streets and then getting arrested for doing so. She decided to take on a group and do whatever she could to make a difference and boy has she ever taken it on. Over the past year and a half she has worked with three families doing anything and everything to give them a chance at a better life. It has become a full time job for her and her husband. They give English and Italian lessons weekly, almost every day of the week they go to some sort of appointment with them- the immigration office, lawyers (that they found for them and they pay), doctor's appointments, she was there for the birth of three children, making sure they understood the Italian and were treated fairly, she takes phone calls all hours of the day and night for any sort of problem- one foot arrested for begging, someone needs to talk, someone needs consoling, she has drained her savings account paying for food, medicine, clothing, downpayment on houses, house renovations, furniture, lawyers fees, passport fees, etc, etc etc. Like tens of thousands of dollars. A while back she received an inheritance from her grandmother. She got the group together and explained that the money was done, this was the last of it. She was dividing it up into three accounts, they could ask her for withdrawals when they needed it but when it was done, this was it, no more money, no more groceries, no more lawyers fees, she just didn't have any money left. Recently we went on an all out campaign to find them legitimate jobs. We were able to find one job in a restaurant and she paid the chef €500 to essentially bribe him to take on one of these men. he got fired within a week for showing up late and having a bad attitude. She found another job further south which came with a good salary and housing as a benefit and not one of the men would take it. She called me crying, she had hit bottom. She said "I have done EVERYTHING in my power just with the small hope I could make a tiny difference and I feel like nothing has changed, they are no better off than when I started." We talked for a long time and she came around to see the big and small changes she had made for them. They now have their passports, their visas, they have homes for the time being, they have healthy children, many other things. She said "I know when the money runs out there is a great possibility that contact will just stop, they just won't call me anymore for anything, it has been the money all along and I know this. I am mentally preparing for this now and accept it. I wanted to change their lives somehow and I hope that I have but I have to accept that people take what they want and what they need and I can't control their actions or what becomes of them. I did my best and I am ok with that."

Now I am not saying yo should go find a refugee or anyone else to drain your bank account on, give everything you have for little to no thanks and little to no results. i tell you this to show you that there are people out there that continue to push forward in the face of all difficulty and probable failure and do so willingly with the hope of just a little bit of good. There are millions of people like her and I think we should look for those people, strive to be like them and keep the faith just like them.

Like the example you gave of doing it all right then getting blown up by a jihadist over a cappuccino with your 11 year old, like my friend here who knows where this is going, like the many millions of people like them, they are just doing their best with what they have, living for today, hoping to make today better and what will come will come. It doesn't mean we couldn't try for today. it doesn't mean it all isn't worth it, It doesn't mean we should give up.

There are "today" moments and goals and "forever" moments and goals. A wedding celebration consists of many of those mixed together. The vows a couple take are for a forever goal, one day, one moment to solidify what hopefully will be something wonderful for a lifetime. The thousands of dollars worth of flowers used to decorate the reception will be dead the day after. Should they not invest in those flowers? Is it wrong to want to beautify the day and occasion with this temporary, fleeting source of joy if they have the money and want to do it? I don't think so.

Do what you can for today, find fleeting moments of peace and joy- they are out there if you look. A dog sniffing your leg in a friendly way while out running errands, the lady that holds the door open for you at the 7-11, the barista who gives you your coffee even though you forgot your wallet at home, the weeds on the sidewalk that grow so big they start to flower, a new flavour of gelato in the shop, one full day of sobriety.....

There are bigger picture things happening too, don't be blind to them. The mayors of various cities saying they will follow the standards of the Paris Climate Change Agreement even when the US has opted out, people gathering and protesting for peace, people like my friend Karen who are willing to go to all possible lengths to help a group of strangers, good politicians fighting for positive change, a week of sobriety, a month of sobriety, a year of sobriety.

This worlds just turns round and round and for some of us it isn't always the best ride but I don't think that means we should give up. Far from it. There is always hope, always a reason to keep pushing forward. We just might find what we are looking for. And if we don't? Well at least we tried.

I again urge you to find a good therapist. Even if you have tired before try again. I have had to go through many to find the perfect one, but when I did it made a world of difference. In the meantime, I highly suggest the following book which was suggested to me by a fellow member here, it is a phenomenal book, it healed and helped me in so many ways. "In Session: The Bond Between Women and their Therapists" by Deborah Lott.

Lastly, I leave you with this. Please listen to it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPXWt2ESxVY

Gilmer

Detach yourself emotions from what I'm about to say, AO. I like you very much and would like to share something with you that is a gigantic truth I had to learn. Please consider it in an intellectual manner.

The universe is not about you.

By that I'm NOT dismissing you flippantly as selfish or spoiled. I don't mean that sentence in the way most people use it.

I mean that maybe by striving so hard all your life to have a full handle on spiritual things you're inadvertently trying to be omniscient.

In my view, there is only one who is omniscient.

Ultimately we are all in utter darkness before him. He is the one who gives light and life. We are not the ones who appropriate it for ourselves.

When any of us humans--you, me, anybody--attaches too much importance to his own powers of discernment, we become disordered.

I believe that this complete upheaval is actually a sign of his mercy toward you: he does not want you to remain disordered. We need to remember who he is versus who we are: he is the creator, and we are his creatures. We are fearfully and wonderfully made--but we are mere creatures. At the end of the day it all boils down to "he's God and we're not."

I believe that God wants us to have abundant knowledge of him and his universe; he just wants us to acknowledge him personally and thank him throughout our quest. He does not want us to inadvertently start circumventing him.

It's not because of his ego--it's because he knows we will inadvertently doom ourselves if we remain in a disordered state.

Just chill and rest for awhile. He will never abandon you, no matter how bleak you may feel.

I hope I haven't offended you (or anyone else). It was not my intention. Just my own ESH.

I am praying for you to thrive in Christ, AO.

Gilmer

Oh, and if you are still drinking, definitely stop. Drinking drastically exaggerates despair.

teatreeoil007

I got sick and tired of being sick and tired of seeing bad things happen to good people. And, in some twisted way, good things seemed to be happening to bad people. Now, I'm not really one to look at a person and label them as "good" or "bad". But, there are PLENTY of good people who have bad things happen to them...and I wonder: Why? Why, God? So, there is a book I read called: "When Bad Things Happen To Good People". Written by a Jewish Rabbi (Harold Kushner) whose son was diagnosed at age 3 with a degenerative disease that would see him only live into his teens. And while the book didn't answer all my questions, it did help give some clarity and comfort.

teatreeoil007

I love the poem you posted!

And, dare I say: You are a poet in your own right. You've got a way with words, friend.

Some of the most beautiful, poignant "things" are born of pain. Or from being alone....

Grandma used to say, "Natural things are like spiritual things." And one of the best examples of beauty coming with pain is childbirth. Now, Grandma also told me the TRUTH about childbirth. She said, "Honey it's the worst PAIN you'll ever ever have." She had ten kids in the days before epidurals and pain meds. Now, Grandma had to have a certain amount of toughness about her to have ten kids, raise them all while being married to a schizophrenic. She had to be tough....but in other ways....she wasn't TOUGH and didn't pretend to be. I never really appreciated that about her until much later in life. And, when she died (I was there), it wasn't with toughness, nor stoicism...but it was with peace....

You may feel like "things aren't changing"....but they are....they always are....life changes and things can happen on the turn of a dime....some things we can control; others not so much.

I've always liked to think I write my OWN script for my life. And it's hard to me reconcile that sometimes ... I just don't....like you said: "I didn't sign up for this."

So then, how much in life do we really sign up for? How much do we volunteer for?

I think of my dad, a farmer and logger, who worked himself to the bone, but was still at the mercy of the "weather", a power much much greater than himself, always greater than himself. And yet, he still did it. Were there times he wanted sell the place, pack up and move to Canada? You bet. But he kept going back out there; back to the fields....come.what.may....you could find him on that tractor....

fini

good to see you, ao.

the thing about the screwed up ugly stuff everywhere...sure, there's that.
it's not about you, though it affects you.
to present it , or see it, as somehow therefore making anything you do useless is a 'nice try by the AV' or whatever way you want to put it, to keep the drinking going.
midwife to The Light...you know, that sounds. frankly, grandiose.

but i fervently believe you have your own light, part of The Light, and only you can start that process of finding the way for you to let that shine again.

you are the only one who can take steps to make that happen. what the world is doing is irrelevant to that.

alphaomega

midwife to The Light...you know, that sounds. frankly, grandiose.


Does it now ?

And, so what if it is.

I got a lot more dramatics where that came from.

Your measure, of what is a safe level of self expression for me, can frankly march to the back of the opinion line.

courage2

AO, do you want to quit drinking?

soberlicious

All of this is very interesting reading. I love philosophical convos and musings so hard.

But the key issue here that seems to get lost down the rabbit hole of beautiful musings is that drinking alcohol is going to suck your soul dry and then eventually kill you.

Make drinking not an option ever...no matter if your life doesn't improve as expected, no matter if the world is going to complete sh*t...no matter what. You say that your life wasn't good, despite doing all the right things, so you drank and sh*t got way worse. Alcohol always makes the hard harder, the bad worse, and the dark darker.

Past failures don't matter in terms of future success.
What are you going to do to quit for good?

Dee74

I was a pretty good defence counsel for my drinking too.

I could rationalise for the Olympics and I used my tongue like a rapier if people got too close.

but, as Soberlicious says. when it all comes down to it and the speeches are over, alcoholism kills.

I don't want to think of a world with AO in it, and I'm sure noone of your other friends here want to consider that either, much less those who love you in real life.

No ones fighting you here AO - I think we're all trying to get you to see that you're fighting yourself.

Two fighters perfectly matched. The winner here is the actually one who stops fighting....

D

Meraviglioso

Great post soberlicious, sometimes we need to get back to the real issue. Thanks for laying it out there so clearly.

Hawkeye13

While the physical "mechanics" of earthly life dictate the physical constraints of our existence --
in this case, that continued drinking can ruin your health and eventually kill you,
there is also a spiritual element to our being-ness beyond physical.

What makes life meaningful to me is not mechanical--it is not ambulating
and imbibing carbon-based materials to feed or numb.
AO, I also feel there should be purpose to consciousness.
"Midwife to the light" is an elegy to that hope and beautifully expressed.

It is also what I have striven for, and even without a global explanation or knowing
what it looks like or its effect.
It still gives meaning, even if not understood by me or others.

We absorb the impact of the "Midwives to darkness" filling our media.
Holding light, filling darkness with illumination still matters.
I don't have to have any answers to know that.

Hand is still there and will always be AO.
Pour out that frickin bottle of liquid darkness and nurse your ember.
It isn't out, it just feels that way.

tomsteve

but all them decades you didnt know- you even said so in your replies.
so, yes you do know how to no know.
its very simple.
look at it another way- yes you do know how to not know and be willing to learn.
at one time you didnt know how to walk.
at one time you didnt know how to talk.
at one time you didnt know how to read.
at one time you didnt know how to write.
at one time you didnt know how to drive.
at one time you didnt know how to use a computer.


but you were teachable and learned.

quit trying to complicate it andbe all freudian, alpha. it aint going to help.
the simpler ya make it the easier it will be.

Mizzuno

AO,
How are you doing today?

alphaomega

I haven't drank for 5 days.

But.
That is NOT a declaration of my continued future sobriety.

I have made false promises before.
I am weary.
And now that I'm mildly sober, I'm angry.

So discretion being the better part of valor, I choose to not come out swinging like a punch drunk fighter. I'm angry for so much.

And Im not good at being angry. It's not my natural state. I seek peace at all costs. Hence, booze.

As if any of us knows the truth anyway...

Mizzuno

It is perfectly acceptable to be angry, AO. That emotion will not last.

5 days is really good. Even though its not a declaration of continued sobriety, it is something. Good Work, AO.