Day 9
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: CT
Posts: 38
Day 9
Hi all, today is day 9. I feel amazing. Hard to believe that last weekend I was a ball of anxiety curled up on the couch afraid to move for fear I would buy alcohol and crying. Each day this week has been better than the day before. I am sleeping better each night, I'm actually eating real food instead of "saving up calories to drink".... which I would then blow since once I got a buzz I would eat lots of junk food. I'm actually doing things. I'm talking to people with confidence instead of with my head hanging low as before because that's how I felt about my drinking self. And I feel like I am starting to grow again. I don't ever want to lose this feeling. I feel like I have a chance at this life again. I keep in mind that every time I drank (every day), I would immediately feel tired, irritable, not want to do anything, isolate, and pass out on the couch, effectively not being available for my children physically and emotionally. I can see how they have adapted to drinking me. And that makes me sad. But it's already changing. I can't live in the past, I can recognize it as I place I never want to be again. But it does me or anyone else no good to dwell there. For the first time in years I feel good. And I want nothing more than to continue to feel this way and have a future. Before I felt like my life was at a dead end, no chance for anything in the future. And now I'm excited for the future and feel like I have so much left to accomplish, experience and share. I know there will be hard days. But my whole life for the last 7 years has been hard days. It's my time for some good. And even if I have a bad day or bad times, I will not drink because I know once those are over I can get back to this. And I already feel that things that used to baffle me I intuitively now understand. I do not have a detailed plan. Here is my plan, do whatever it takes each day to continue this path toward health. And to recognize that each day it might take something different. That meant for the first two days I didn't move from the couch. I listen to my body, mind, and gut. I'm not worried about food. I eat when I feel hungry, and I eat what I want. I've been eating desert every night and that's ok. I could stand to lose some weight, but that will come in time. I know it won't come if I drink. I'm spending more time being active, but that varies by day and how I feel. I'm not forcing some strict exercise regime on myself. I know that not drinking is the only goal I am focused on right now. If I try to set up all these rules and regulations around it, I will feel pressure to some arbitrary standard and I will fail. I know I cannot do more than one major life change at a time. And this will be my only goal until such time as I am ready to try something in addition. And if I never do those things that's ok too. Because I am naturally eating better and being more active. I am not worried about other people either, I only answer to myself in this. This is my recovery and it is immensely personal. Each person must find what works for them. That's why this sight is great. So many different experiences with the common thread of don't drink.....I feel like I have found that switch where not drinking has become way more important to me than giving in to the obsession and insanity of "just one more drink, just one more day". I can't believe I lived so long that way. So this is where I am at today. And to anyone who is struggling, I beg you just hold on. Hold on for dear life and just take extreme care of yourself. You are worth it. There is a good life out there!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: CT
Posts: 38
Day 11. Not quite as energetic, a little more tired, but still good. Yes Alan, I hear you about the appetite and carbs! I'm actually eating better now albeit more. The reason being that before in my twisted alcoholic logic, I would sacrifice grocery money for booze money. I would get the kids what ever they needed for food, but I would not get good food for myself, I would eat the cheapest, crappiest, processed food since it is cheaper and would give me more drinking money. One day I wanted cauliflower which was 6.00, but I opted for Fireball instead. It's sick!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: CT
Posts: 38
Thanks Dee😊 Still day 11. I'm riding a pretty serious craving right now. It's crazy that I had 2 of my darkest days 11 days ago, was on such a high 2 days ago feeling better than I have in years...... and then this afternoon... BAM! Out of nowhere for no particular reason this craving is staring me right in the face taunting me and wanting to take over. It's such a rollercoaster. I knew this would happen. I just focused on getting myself home and onto SR. I kept thinking about posts where people have said to come and post on SR before drinking. Now that I'm home and posting, I feel more calm. Now to get in my Jammie's so I am not tempted to get back in the car.... and think about more strategies to keep me safe. Ughhhh!
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