thomas11

Today was the first 90 degree day here in Minnesota, I had thoughts dancing in my head of drinking. Drinking and grilling when near a lake is like peanut butter and jelly. After I conquered that battle, I thought about listening to some music. I absolutely can't do that, it always makes me revert back to my idiot years. So these things that brought me "joy" are no longer allowed ( by my choice).

Point being, my brain is still sorta wired to think like the old me. I've gotten over the deprivation stage, so I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just trying to remain aware.

djm527

Same here, I'm in NYC and I can't help feel a bit left out when I see people enjoying themselves drinking outside.

It helps me to think how I'd feel tomorrow. Bloated, guilty and miserable. It would far outweigh any fun the day before. I think it's one of those habit things (drinking when it's sunny, Friday night etc.) We can relearn habits!

Dee74

I thought that for me too, but it hasn't tuned out like that Jeff.

I think the more you build a sober life you love, the more joy you have in you new life, and the more you never want to lose this new life ...the more fantasy thoughts stop being the default.

And they *were* fantasy thoughts - those genteel sips by the BBQ are rose coloured imagination...

waking up the next morning (or even the next week) with your house looking like a hurricane hit , front door wide open and wife gone..those are the reality points for guys like us.

I know you know this too - I'm just laying it out

It took a while, but drinking fantasies don't trouble me anymore.

Drinking bought me nothing but death...the life I have is great - and I have no need to escape it

D

ps
I'd hate people to think recovery was about deprivation.

I can listen to all the stuff I used to listen to now - even the songs about drinking - and not be triggered.

I've found my path and my own drumbeat to walk to. You can too Jeff

D

SoberLeigh

Awareness is integral to success, I think.

At some point the things you now recognize as triggers may become very much less so or no longer triggers at all.

Sitting by a fire watching tv or a movie was, at one time, very much of a trigger. Now it is not.

Reading a book was a trigger; now it is not.

I found that, while sitting by a fire, I had to purposefully look to the beauty of the fire and to those around me to break that 'pleasure' cell in my brain which associated sitting by the fire with drinking.

It was the same when reading a book. I had to purposefully look to the writing style of the author, the use of imagery, irony, symbolism, etc. in order to, retrain my brain to the pure pleasure of reading itself.

I guess that what I am trying to suggest is that you look around you to find the other 'goodnesses' inherent to those activities which you see as triggers.

I know that you can enjoy those activities again, Jeff - no doubt about it.

herculana

I hear you. Music has always been a HUGE HUGE HUGE part of my own life. I was raised in a family of jazz and blues musicians since day 1 on earth. And while i was drinking heavily these past years, music fueled those late nights as well... cleaning the kitchen to blasting my favorite tunes. I was afraid... deeply afraid that I would have to cut music out of my life for a very long time as I become more solid in my sobriety.
Fortunately, two weeks in, I am actually, however, enjoying cleaning to my music more than I ever did drunk. Its a wholly other, more fullfilling and richer experience now.

So don't give up on the music. Music is one of the joys of human existence on this blue ball!

Be aware, yes, and dont listen to the old stuff... bring something new into your collection, maybe.

Do what you NEED to do to remain sober, but keep an open mind as to whats possible while sober.... And what things will be EVEN better while sober <3

My two cents.

columbus

"I thought about listening to some music. I absolutely can't do that, it always makes me revert back to my idiot years. So these things that brought me "joy" are no longer allowed ( by my choice). "

Listening to music, going out to hear music, dancing...

Has NEVER been better now that I'm sober.

Going out to clubs, down to New Orleans, etc.

But do what'cha gotta do.

(but never forget that the things you love love you and miss you)

((without the booze!))

hellrzr

Yes you will because alcoholism is not about drinking but about thinking. Drinking was your solution to life and if you don't have another solution in place to deal with life than things won't get better.

Sounds like you still have some of the obsession to drink. I can't say it enough, I had the exact same problem until I followed the steps in AA. It was after steps 4 and 5, in particular, that took that obsession away from me. Now I have better ways to deal with life's problems and any thought of drinking is very mild and very fleeting.

Now there are many people on this forum, like Dee, who have found other solutions that have worked for them. Hopefully you can find your solution someday and those thoughts of drinking will no longer be there or at least will be of no consequence to you.

columbus

"it always makes me revert back to my idiot years"

Keep in mind that, as one cannot revert "forward,"

"reverting" doesn't have to be (and cannot be)

a part of your future.

(but the music will always be there)

Gottalife

We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us.

Some of my favourite promises. AA has a solution to the alcoholic mind.

SnazzyDresser

Brains change over time, and yes, long-term alcohol abuse has changed my brain for the worse. But brains are more resilient than we used to think, according to the latest science, and I like to think that by staying sober now, my brain is gradually healing itself and that good things are still ahead for it. Get it, ahead! My brain made a joke.

Outonthetiles

My experience is the same as described by Snazzy. I definitely damaged my mental faculties, but the good news is that brain fog gradually went away, although it took months to feel the way I felt at 22 or 25. The good news is that no matter what damage you've done with alcohol, your brain will heal itself if you give it time.
I used to pride myself on how much abuse my body could take. I did crazy things, kept crazy hours, and drank enough to float a battleship. I am happy to report that even after decades of drinking, and a good four years of heavy drinking, the human body will recover.

thomas11

It bothers me that 20 months in I still occasionally wrestle with thoughts of drinking. 99% of the time I'm totally fine. Looking to get that last 1% corrected. I'd like nothing more than to enjoy my music again, and other things as well.

Aellyce

I like to think about this as any ordinary temptation people get, alcoholic/addict or not. It's perfectly normal to have momentary impulses and desires of all kinds. I don't see it as a problem and actually think it's more an issue if someone is completely unaware of them or represses them mentally (as they can then surface and be acted out in other ways). So many wishes and temptations would be very inappropriate or destructive to act out, the important thing is to recognize, know the difference, and know how not to respond to impulses. I don't see anything wrong with your thoughts, Jeff, as long as they are just thoughts.

As for triggers, I do strongly believe that for many of us, some of these associations remain for life and will always be able to bring on the old memories and some level of craving. It's how emotional memory works in general, constructive processes included. I just like to acknowledge it and move on. There are certainly activities for me that got very strongly linked with drinking in my past and, while the activities on their own are not destructive, I choose not to engage because I see it in my far past, a very different era of my life and interests.