How do you know when it will finally stick?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 35
How do you know when it will finally stick?
After three decades of hard drinking I finally got sober in 2009. It lasted about six months. I can still remember the first drink that started it all back up again: two glasses of red wine at dinner with a friend who drinks heavily. Seemed so innocent at the time. But it kept progressing.
Over the course of the past few years I've managed to quit several times for weeks at a time, but rarely months. I have successfully quit at least six times now, only to pick up again when somehow my brain convinces me that I can regain control over it.
This time (this is day 10) it feels different. I was severely depressed and fatigued for about five days, which never happened in the past, and I feel like I'm in mourning. Which also never happened before.
I really want to be done with it for good and I know now that if I pick up again it's not going to be because I feel I can control it (I have definitely learned that lesson) but rather it will be because I just don't give a **** anymore. And I really hope that day doesn't come. But it did in the past.
I've heard many folks here reference that they stopped many times, only to pick up again, but then finally managed to kick it for good. My question is, how do you know it's the last time? How do you know when it will finally stick? Are there signs? Indications? Feelings? Any clues at all?
Over the course of the past few years I've managed to quit several times for weeks at a time, but rarely months. I have successfully quit at least six times now, only to pick up again when somehow my brain convinces me that I can regain control over it.
This time (this is day 10) it feels different. I was severely depressed and fatigued for about five days, which never happened in the past, and I feel like I'm in mourning. Which also never happened before.
I really want to be done with it for good and I know now that if I pick up again it's not going to be because I feel I can control it (I have definitely learned that lesson) but rather it will be because I just don't give a **** anymore. And I really hope that day doesn't come. But it did in the past.
I've heard many folks here reference that they stopped many times, only to pick up again, but then finally managed to kick it for good. My question is, how do you know it's the last time? How do you know when it will finally stick? Are there signs? Indications? Feelings? Any clues at all?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
It took me about 3 months to start to believe that maybe I could do this as a new way of life, not simply a partial or temporary change.'
I put a lot of effort in tho . I posted here multiple times a day, I changed my friends, my hang outs, the way I dealt with problems, and emotions and the way I thought of fun.
I'm not saying everyone has to do what I did - but I think everyone needs to be prepared to go that far.
If you are, then the thoughts to drink again should be matched by your determination not to
we all get to the point where we know intuitively that drinking again will end in disaster.
We learn can to act on that knowledge, instead of the delusion.
I put a lot of effort in tho . I posted here multiple times a day, I changed my friends, my hang outs, the way I dealt with problems, and emotions and the way I thought of fun.
I'm not saying everyone has to do what I did - but I think everyone needs to be prepared to go that far.
If you are, then the thoughts to drink again should be matched by your determination not to
we all get to the point where we know intuitively that drinking again will end in disaster.
We learn can to act on that knowledge, instead of the delusion.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
For me.... what made it stick was when I finally and truly chose sobriety.
Not 'I need to quit'
Not 'I'm definitely quitting'
Not 'I HAVE TO'.
INSTEAD.....
'I CHOOSE a sober life'
And choosing that again. And again. And again. Every day.
And ACTION IN support of that choice.every.day.
It was AA meetings, step work, counseling, the big book, changing habits, changing friends, not going to parties, embracing new sober hobbies, volunteering, doing service work, exercise, meditation, sharing with others here and elsewhere, going to more meetings, reading the big book again. And again. Making the choice. Acting. Making the choice. Acting. Being relentless. Working honestly with thoughts and cravings so they didn't turn into drinking actions. Choosing sobriety, acting. Choosing. Acting.
Every.
Day.
Every
Day.
Painting a picture of a sober life for myself.
Finding sober role models.
Believing in that picture.
Choosing.
Acting.
Every.
Day.
Not 'I need to quit'
Not 'I'm definitely quitting'
Not 'I HAVE TO'.
INSTEAD.....
'I CHOOSE a sober life'
And choosing that again. And again. And again. Every day.
And ACTION IN support of that choice.every.day.
It was AA meetings, step work, counseling, the big book, changing habits, changing friends, not going to parties, embracing new sober hobbies, volunteering, doing service work, exercise, meditation, sharing with others here and elsewhere, going to more meetings, reading the big book again. And again. Making the choice. Acting. Making the choice. Acting. Being relentless. Working honestly with thoughts and cravings so they didn't turn into drinking actions. Choosing sobriety, acting. Choosing. Acting.
Every.
Day.
Every
Day.
Painting a picture of a sober life for myself.
Finding sober role models.
Believing in that picture.
Choosing.
Acting.
Every.
Day.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
Originally Posted by SnazzyDresser 
You're always in control as to whether it sticks or not. It's not something that happens to you, it's something you make happen.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by FreedomCA
Yet sometimes the plan that we think will make it happen does not always work out, and we have to adjust our plans.
Though I will say that in my personal experience, the failure was never in the plan..... it was in my own lack of commitment to the plan.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 298
For me, like FreeOwl, I had to truly change my life. I couldn't become sober by simply removing alcohol from my life, I had to remove my life from alcohol.
So, no parties, no holiday gatherings, spending less time with certain friends, overhauling my diet, my cooking habits, getting loads more exercise, and EDUCATING myself on alcoholism. Prior to this time, I only ever white-knuckled it. This time, I spent more time on SA, I read several books on alcoholism, I listened to AA stories on youtube, and recovery podcasts, I meditated.
Obviously not all these things, all at once! That would be overwhelming. But it's one step after another, to move forward. Being sober means living a new life, I've found. Living a new life, requires leaving your old life, and that requires change. Make the change!
So, no parties, no holiday gatherings, spending less time with certain friends, overhauling my diet, my cooking habits, getting loads more exercise, and EDUCATING myself on alcoholism. Prior to this time, I only ever white-knuckled it. This time, I spent more time on SA, I read several books on alcoholism, I listened to AA stories on youtube, and recovery podcasts, I meditated.
Obviously not all these things, all at once! That would be overwhelming. But it's one step after another, to move forward. Being sober means living a new life, I've found. Living a new life, requires leaving your old life, and that requires change. Make the change!
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Dee74
It took me about 3 months to start to believe that maybe I could do this as a new way of life, not simply a partial or temporary change.'
I put a lot of effort in tho . I posted here multiple times a day, I changed my friends, my hang outs, the way I dealt with problems, and emotions and the way I thought of fun.
I'm not saying everyone has to do what I did - but I think everyone needs to be prepared to go that far.
If you are, then the thoughts to drink again should be matched by your determination not to
we all get to the point where we know intuitively that drinking again will end in disaster.
We learn can to act on that knowledge, instead of the delusion.
I put a lot of effort in tho . I posted here multiple times a day, I changed my friends, my hang outs, the way I dealt with problems, and emotions and the way I thought of fun.
I'm not saying everyone has to do what I did - but I think everyone needs to be prepared to go that far.
If you are, then the thoughts to drink again should be matched by your determination not to
we all get to the point where we know intuitively that drinking again will end in disaster.
We learn can to act on that knowledge, instead of the delusion.
I live my recovery every day and now, emotional sobriety is my focus. But I went through a LOT to get to that point Feb 21, 2016.
You can do it- you have quit for certain amounts of time before- if you decide you want to be sober more than you want to drink, and that it is more important than anything else in your life.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
For me I find the question too contemplative and futuristic. The only thing in my life that really stuck is I am and always will be an alcoholic. Based on grateful knowledge of this undeniable condition I remember not to pick up that first drink today.
Based on following certain protocols I am given a daily reprieve from drinking. Today I am glad to be stuck I sobriety. My hope is this will not change tomorrow.
Based on following certain protocols I am given a daily reprieve from drinking. Today I am glad to be stuck I sobriety. My hope is this will not change tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
How do you know when it will finally stick?
i dont. i had no,"ive got this" type thought. i had, nor do i have, a thought im done for the rest of my life. no promises. no forever.
im just not drinking today.
and have been able to do that for 12+ years in a row now.
yesterdays history
tomorrows a mystery
today is a gift
thats why its called the present.
i dont. i had no,"ive got this" type thought. i had, nor do i have, a thought im done for the rest of my life. no promises. no forever.
im just not drinking today.
and have been able to do that for 12+ years in a row now.
yesterdays history
tomorrows a mystery
today is a gift
thats why its called the present.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I think about this as well. Its a passing thought as I gain sober time. I have had 2 years of sobriety over the years. What I do know is I cannot go back to where I was before. I cannot drink until drunk every night and live a productive life. My alcoholism progressed rapidly in the end and this was not something I was able to control. The only control that I really had/ have was to quit and to see where that got me.
If I want to experience stability mentally and emotionally then the only option I have is to remain sober. All bets are off if I drink again.
I have a deep acceptance that I am a recovering alcoholic. Each day is a chance to make the right decision and to move forward. One day at a time.
Its the actions that are taken way before the drinking that results in a relapse. Being complacent, forgetting to work on recovery, telling ourselves that life is not bad and so drinking wont hurt, telling ourselves that our drinking wasnt "so bad", not processing emotions or letting life circumstances get the better of us.
I am on guard with all of this. I know that it will come up. I know myself well enough to know that my brain will try to play tricks on me.
I also know that I have drank more than my share over the years. I dont want to drink anymore. Its just not who I want to be in the world.
So, I log into SR. I have created structure. I use tools to keep me safe. I am open and willing to try a different approach. I will do this everyday and see that it is making a difference and saving my life.
If I want to experience stability mentally and emotionally then the only option I have is to remain sober. All bets are off if I drink again.
I have a deep acceptance that I am a recovering alcoholic. Each day is a chance to make the right decision and to move forward. One day at a time.
Its the actions that are taken way before the drinking that results in a relapse. Being complacent, forgetting to work on recovery, telling ourselves that life is not bad and so drinking wont hurt, telling ourselves that our drinking wasnt "so bad", not processing emotions or letting life circumstances get the better of us.
I am on guard with all of this. I know that it will come up. I know myself well enough to know that my brain will try to play tricks on me.
I also know that I have drank more than my share over the years. I dont want to drink anymore. Its just not who I want to be in the world.
So, I log into SR. I have created structure. I use tools to keep me safe. I am open and willing to try a different approach. I will do this everyday and see that it is making a difference and saving my life.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I think it sticks when you accept it. I quit and restarted several times because each time I quit it was because of consequences - fights with my wife, stupid actions on my part, etc. But consequences almost always fade away after a while. It wasn't until I unconditionally accepted that I am an alcohlic/addict that I was able to decide that never drinking again was not just the solution, but simply part of my life. By that I mean there is something fundamentally different about my being ( mental or physical - who knows ) that will never allow me to drink alcohol in a controlled way. That doesn't mean that something is wrong..i'm just different. Same thing with my anxiety - something in my brain chemistry is simply different from other people - and I cannot change it. But I can do things to make my life much better and for the most part I don't even think about the fact that I'm an alcoholic or have GAD most of the time. I do need to work on both things each day through my tools - using SR, meditation, mindfulness, etc - but that's just because I am who I am. Before I was trying to change those fundamental things - in other words FIX my addiction so I could drink normally again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
I used to think how can I foretell the future?
I'm not there yet.
Who can say how I'll feel at 80?
I know now
In the same way I know I'm never going to run in the Olympics, become the President of the US, or murder a bunch of people, I know I'm sober for life.
Took me a little while to get there... but when you know, you know
D
I'm not there yet.
Who can say how I'll feel at 80?
I know now
In the same way I know I'm never going to run in the Olympics, become the President of the US, or murder a bunch of people, I know I'm sober for life.
Took me a little while to get there... but when you know, you know
D
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Last summer, it felt different, and it was different because it was the longest sober streak I've ever maintained. Six months. Three of them were good.
We can't hope for a permanent change for the better because recovery is not a linear journey, it has a lot of ups and downs.. sometimes you will feel 100% confident that you will never drink again, and then the next day you could feel like everything is out of control and all you want to do is drink.
Because emotions and life circumstances aren't ever going to be constant or predictable, we can't expect recovery to be.. that doesn't mean you should expect failure, but you can't rely on feelings as the indicator of what will happen next.
This time, I am taking it one day at a time. Truly that's all that matters, since any moment could be your last one anyway.. not to be morbid, I'm just saying, I'm not worried about how long I will be sober, I just need to be sober right now to live my best life today.
I'm rambling, back to studying! Which I couldn't do if I weren't sober!
We can't hope for a permanent change for the better because recovery is not a linear journey, it has a lot of ups and downs.. sometimes you will feel 100% confident that you will never drink again, and then the next day you could feel like everything is out of control and all you want to do is drink.
Because emotions and life circumstances aren't ever going to be constant or predictable, we can't expect recovery to be.. that doesn't mean you should expect failure, but you can't rely on feelings as the indicator of what will happen next.
This time, I am taking it one day at a time. Truly that's all that matters, since any moment could be your last one anyway.. not to be morbid, I'm just saying, I'm not worried about how long I will be sober, I just need to be sober right now to live my best life today.
I'm rambling, back to studying! Which I couldn't do if I weren't sober!
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
I am sober a little over a year. I was sober a few years ago also for just over a year.
The difference this time is I did it for me, not for someone else. That tine I was angry, mad, upset I was having to give up something I enjoyed. I have a great job, money, and I deserved to drink. I earned it. My reward.
This time I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I did this for me. I simply knew I could not continue killing myself slowly with alcohol. No health consequences, yet, but I knew it was on the horizon. The guilt, shame, hangovers, etc.. were overwhelming me. I am so glad I am sober today. The key for me was realizing that I could not moderate, that one was too much, and it was waaay easier to just not drink at all.
The difference this time is I did it for me, not for someone else. That tine I was angry, mad, upset I was having to give up something I enjoyed. I have a great job, money, and I deserved to drink. I earned it. My reward.
This time I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I did this for me. I simply knew I could not continue killing myself slowly with alcohol. No health consequences, yet, but I knew it was on the horizon. The guilt, shame, hangovers, etc.. were overwhelming me. I am so glad I am sober today. The key for me was realizing that I could not moderate, that one was too much, and it was waaay easier to just not drink at all.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
The longer I go without drinking, the more confident I am that I won't again. I've developed new habits, behaviors, and coping mechanisms. At the same time, my brain chemistry has changed. I just can't imagine why I would chose to drink again after 2.5 years of abstinence. At the time I quit, I really wasn't enjoying it anymore and I was tired of hangovers, so I don't romanticize it. I suspect that if I did drink again, it would mess with my brain chemistry enough for me to want "more." That seems to be the experience of the majority of people on this forum. They literally make up for the "lost" drinking time. I find that really scary. There is nothing special about me that would make me a moderation success story.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Hi NewLife.
I drank 30 yrs. too. It was part of everything I did in the end, & I couldn't imagine life without it. Yet I had to admit it was never fun anymore - mostly a necessity so I wouldn't shake. I was drinking every day when I came to SR - totally dependent on it. So for me, I had to surrender or I was going to die. I was completely off the rails & behaving in an insane manner. People were giving up on me - I was losing their faith and trust. I had to dig deep to find me again. It was a very close call - so I was thrilled to reclaim my life and hold my head up once again. Sure, there was a period of adjustment - but once I rejoined my life I wasn't about to risk going back to hell. You can get free, NL.
I drank 30 yrs. too. It was part of everything I did in the end, & I couldn't imagine life without it. Yet I had to admit it was never fun anymore - mostly a necessity so I wouldn't shake. I was drinking every day when I came to SR - totally dependent on it. So for me, I had to surrender or I was going to die. I was completely off the rails & behaving in an insane manner. People were giving up on me - I was losing their faith and trust. I had to dig deep to find me again. It was a very close call - so I was thrilled to reclaim my life and hold my head up once again. Sure, there was a period of adjustment - but once I rejoined my life I wasn't about to risk going back to hell. You can get free, NL.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
I think around the 3 to 4 month mark, I realized this sober life was far better than what I was living while drinking. I never wanted to go back to that place and 4.5 years later, I know I made the right choice...no matter how rough life gets.
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