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Haunted by Alcoholic past

Old 05-31-2017, 08:47 AM
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Haunted by Alcoholic past

Hi I am Matthew
My drinking and drugging started when i was 14 I was always a rebel running away and getting into trouble, I started using ecstasy not long after i started drinking, I was heavy into drugs and alcohol. I have been abused physically and mentally as a child I have always talked about this in my Aboriginal youth conferences and I was still active in cultural activities I was also living the opposite life drugs, sex and fighting.

My dad had been in a toxic relationship since 2001 involved with my ex-step mother who had given me a baby brother he has been through alot of trauma not that he was abused but he has seen the fighting between my dad and step mom and during those years I also had another struggle with my mom and my brother and sister living in poverty for 2 years we lived eating Mac'n'cheese no new clothes and my mother was heavy into prescription pills and drinking, i felt like i was my siblings looked to me for comfort so i ha e and i did i fed my brother and my sister at my moms, i played and watched my brother when he was a toddler at my dads.

But on Weekends when i needed to get away i kept my drug and alcoholic habits secret with my friends until i got caught because i blacked out crapped my pants puked all over myself and my friends called my dad i woke up i thought everything was fine but i smelt like **** and i look on the floor and my ****** pants and puky shirt are on the floor and a garbage bag under me on the bed, i was made fun of by my friends for years my nickname was captain **** pants for years.

Years into I was partying and stuff still it was my graduation year and my Step-mom and dads relationship was getting so bad he was accusing me and her of doing stuff because she was attracted to me because of how young and filled in i had become. One night they were fighting we were all drunk and they were fighting he left I was so drunk from drinking sugary drinks i blacked out woke up next to mt step-mom we had done something i knew i could not change, stupid me went back they broke up and things got worse she had all her weirdo friends come by to drink i woke up twice to her gay friend touching me and i wasn't okay with it but because of the shame i never spoke about it.

A year later i opened up to my dad about the situation but drunk and said it stupidly in front of my cousins and his new gf, later on I get beat up and hospitalized my mom and my older god-sister and my younger sister were wiping the blood off of my face and I didn't know what had happened the doctor said i had suffered some brain damage and memory loss.

Following that i got into a relationship with my sons mother, we had a relationship filled with drugs alcohol and lots of toxic arguments, when she got pregnant i continued to drink and drug so she left me and got with my cousin who just got his large band distribution of $17'000 dollars we get when we turn 19 i blew mine on drugs alcohol and clothes and a bunch of unnescesarry things. It turns out the whole time she was cheating on me i had all these guys confrontin me telling me she was cheating on the side the whole time it messed me up for years just the thought of my cousin beung with my pregnant ex-girlfriend and all the stories of her cheating on me spun around my head like voices in the movies i snapped one day i was suicidal and i was drinking and couch surfing everywhere i had meaningless sex i said alot of hurtful things to loved ones and it just seems i was someone who i always hated i was into two relationships but i cheated on them both and left them telling them how stupid they were.

Years go on my real friends i lost my family i have burned bridges with and my habits have gotten bad, i did a lot of shameful and regretful things over the years, i've made a fool of myself my public intoxication tickets racked up and i am surprised i haven't done anything that landed me in jail at least that i know of or can't remember.

I decided to go to treatment in 2015 after being on and off the streets for 6 years losing job after job because i stole beer from two jobs and said ef it i need to go to treatment. I went to treatment and i was sober for 8 months i did great i landed a job at Safeway making 12.50 an hour making good money going to school i told myself i was doing good a beer won't hurt i relapsed as you know it went good for about 3 months after that i started doing cocaine again and said this ain't that bad and not ling after i was blacked out introduced to meth i was a completely psychotic person I humiliated this girl and myself in public and i Woke up the next day feeling really remorseful and ashamed my friends told me about it and this coming from meth addicts i was told i needed help so here i am 6 months clean and sober now but i still feel really ashamed and really regretfull i am in a relationship with a beautiful loving sober girlfriend but i still have a really bad habit of feeling that shame and guilt from my past we've known eachother for a year and a half it's gojng great but i wish i could let go of the embarrasing memories and shameful past of all the things i went through as an alcoholic and drug addict. I need to know that i am human and that i suffer from a disease i want to go on knowing that my decisions weren't me but the addict i have always been a good person always helping homeless people by giving then my nice expensive jackets off of my back takjng them to Tim hortons for a warm sandwich and coffee, i am cultural and i love helping but my past and alcohol/addict demons still haunt me i just want it to be gone so i can enjoy my life 😪
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Old 05-31-2017, 08:59 AM
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Welcome to SR Makaio and congrats on 6 months sober. You will find a lot of support and understanding here. Regarding the regrets you have, they can be difficult to live with for sure. Working a solid recovery program can certainly help, as well as honest discussions about our past and acceptance that we cannot change it.
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Old 05-31-2017, 09:07 AM
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Thank you

Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
Welcome to SR Makaio and congrats on 6 months sober. You will find a lot of support and understanding here. Regarding the regrets you have, they can be difficult to live with for sure. Working a solid recovery program can certainly help, as well as honest discussions about our past and acceptance that we cannot change it.
Thank you Scott I live in a small town away from temptation in the big city, away from temptation and haunted memories, I feel with this site I can hopefully find others with stories like mine and can get advice on how to move on with my Life, it's not as bad as when i was using but the shane and hurt are still there when little reminders happen.
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Old 05-31-2017, 09:13 AM
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Welcome, Makaio, to SR.
As Scott mentioned above, working a recovery program, 12 step or secular, is an important part of laying past demons to rest.
Good luck going forward.
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Old 05-31-2017, 09:16 AM
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Welcome and good job on your recovery!

I know it's very hard to deal with the guilt and shame associated with our drinking/drug days. For me, it took time and it didn't happen all at once. It was a process. I did find that journalling my thoughts helped a lot.
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Old 05-31-2017, 09:21 AM
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Some ppl born un lucky. All of those ur dads fault not yours.
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Old 05-31-2017, 09:53 AM
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Yes

Originally Posted by Chaplain30 View Post
Some ppl born un lucky. All of those ur dads fault not yours.
Indeed we are born unlucky. My parents conceived me at a young age 15/16 both my parents had tough upbringings my mom had older siblings who tortured her, my dad wasn't loved as a child and was almost Abducted by a notorious Aboriginal killer along with my auntie when they were 8 years old. Dysfunctional runs hard in both my families many of my uncles on my moms side are alcoholics and have done similar things I have done we all get stupid, depressed and narcissistic. My dads side get violent and snakey and we fall into hard drugs easily. I Am looking to break the cycle I am fixing my life for my son and future i want to break the cycle of alcoholism and hopefully the road ahead I find peace within my self but it is a year since i first relaped and 6 months since i came back to the program and i am going for the home run i want to be succesfull i want to live happy but my past is haunting me i know it will soon pass and i love my friends and family i forgive them i need to forgive myself.
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Old 05-31-2017, 10:16 AM
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I too would suggest looking at a 12-step program. If you're not in a city then AA is the most likely option to be available to you. If yiu look at the 12-steps of AA you will notice that only the first step mentions alcohol. The other 11 are all about learning to live life on life's terms and come to terms with our past so we can move forward. It's been a lifesaver for many including me.

And those promises really do materialise if we work for them. Not something I really believed would be possible for the likes of me, but there you are.

The alcoholic drinking is one thing we have to tackle, but as you're discovering, the alcoholic thinking doesn't just up and leave us. It can leave us full of fear and resentments, anxiety and rages. Restless, irritable and discontent. Still full of shame and self-loathing. I got to the stage where i no longer wanted to live (but was to scared and guilty to actually kill myself). Now I have learned to forgive and love. Both others and myself. It's a very diffrent life through the lens of recovery.
There IS hope.

THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.


THE AA PROMISES

1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
8. Self-seeking will slip away.
9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves

I wish you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
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Old 05-31-2017, 10:28 AM
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Thank You Berry

I Am looking firward to retaking the steps and getting back into the program, it means A lot to be encouraged and be welcomed back into the program, I've clean and sober for 6 months but nit beinf apart of anything my alcoholic past comes to haunt me i feel like dying i feel like things i've done can't be forgotten i have family and friends routing for me but i need to start supporting myself and forgiving myself for my wrongs thank you again Berry.
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Old 05-31-2017, 10:37 AM
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heres a few more promises of the program of AA- promises that happen as a result of working the steps( and there are more than these):


we start to straighten out mentally and physically
At once, we commence to outgrow fear.
we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson.

We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.


we will be gratified with the results.

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone even alcohol.

We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions

Life will take on new meaning.

no situation is too difficult and no unhappiness to great to be overcome.

you are, of course, going to be very happy.


You will lose the old life to find one much better.

Joy at our release from a lifetime of frustration knew no bounds
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Old 05-31-2017, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by MakaioNahinu View Post
I Am looking firward to retaking the steps and getting back into the program, it means A lot to be encouraged and be welcomed back into the program, I've clean and sober for 6 months but nit beinf apart of anything my alcoholic past comes to haunt me i feel like dying i feel like things i've done can't be forgotten i have family and friends routing for me but i need to start supporting myself and forgiving myself for my wrongs thank you again Berry.
wellll, i hope you dont want to forget your past- its a very valuable posession. if i forget my past i'll repeat it. if i regret it i'll get drunk.
what will occur is you will accept it, learn from it, repair the damage done when possible( sweep off your side of the street), and be ok with it. then you will be able to use it to help someone else get out from under.

yes, ya did a lot of things youre embarrassed and humiliated by and are remorseful about.
we ALL have.
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Old 05-31-2017, 03:15 PM
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Fab suggestions by other posters, I am terrible for living in the past, so know how easy it is to get stuck but "Don't look back, you're not going that way" is a saying that is good to practice. Good luck on your journey and well done.
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Old 05-31-2017, 05:28 PM
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You are creating your new past right now!

It is hard but we have to come to terms with what has happened and prove with actions that we are not like that any more. It takes time to regain trust from others but sometimes more from self. We are so hard on ourselves but we need to work on being our own best friend always, work at it everyday.

Hope to see you around! We are here for support.
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Old 05-31-2017, 06:32 PM
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Congratulations on 6 months M A huge accomplishment & you should be proud of yourself! Letting go of the shame & guilt is tough but I certainly think you deserve to be free of it. I'm learning to let go....just too heavy to drag around with us. You sound like a very compassionate person (I've learned I am too), we need to treat ourselves with compassion too you tube has ball types of meditation, I listen to the positive affirmations & anxiety meditations. You have to find ones you like & work for you, there's a lot of them I don't like but have found some that are really helpful in shifting my thinking in a positive directions. There are affirmations on self forgiveness, use head phones if you have them. You might look at mindfulness meditation also. The best to you!!! You do deserve it!
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Old 05-31-2017, 07:19 PM
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hi Matthew,

you have tons of trauma history on your plate, and i hope you can access some help forthat.
as far as regrets, shame, guilt....doing the step- stuff and taking it seriously gave me a good process to go through to remedy that.
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Old 05-31-2017, 08:06 PM
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Hi Matthew, and welcome. Your past is not who you are -- you are so much more than that. Healing takes time, but if you stay sober and give it time, you'll find relief from those difficult memories.
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Old 06-01-2017, 05:43 PM
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Oh, wow. You've been through so much. *hug*

I do believe that with time much of the hurt, pain, and shame will lessen. You're off to such a great start, be proud of yourself for the strength you've shown in achieving 6 months free from alcohol. Share some of that kindness and caring you're giving to others with yourself.
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