livinginhope

I think that most would agree that, when one has been steadily intoxicated for a number of decades, it takes a minimum of a year to truly get sober. Possibly longer. It might take the rest of my life, but I don't want to think like that.

In some ways it's harder now than it was five months ago. Tomorrow is eight months without a drink. Not bad, huh?

The worst of the withdrawals are long gone. I'm no longer grappling with the idea of drinking every night, or at least every weekend. But, but.

I am getting ghosts of thoughts. Call it the AV, the devil, or just my alcoholic past still holding on and refusing to let go.

I still get those terrible ideas, like...

You know, I could pull just one more. For old time's sake. One more night wouldn't kill me. Hey, I've proved that I can quit. I'll just go another eight months without drinking. Why not?


Why not indeed? It was that kind of thinking that made me lose the brief moments of sobriety I have managed in the past half decade.

Nope. It's ain't happening. Not now, not ever.

Also: I find that I am having trouble being a sober person. I am socially awkward. Uncomfortable. At a (dry) cookout yesterday, a couple of different people asked if I was all right. I wasn't aware that I was acting weird, but I obviously was.

I get anxious. There are mood swings. Deliriously happy for a while, then depressed. My doctor and I discussed medication, but she strongly feels that I can do this on my own. It will be harder, but she feels that the benefits will be greater.

Time. That's what it takes. I'm not asking advice. I know what I need to do. I need to continue on my path. First and foremost, NOT TAKING THAT FIRST DRINK. I am on an exercise regiment. I am not overdoing the sugar and caffeine. I am eating lots of fresh fruit, leafy green vegetables, and I'm keeping well hydrated. I read a lot, which brings me comfort.

Mainly I am so happy to be alive. Glad that I never fell down the steps and broke my neck while drunk. That I never crashed a car and hurt myself or someone else. That I stopped while there is still time, and I didn't wait for liver damage to take action (as an old party buddy of mine did). That I am working, that I have loved ones, and that I have managed to go two-thirds of a year without taking a drink.

Thanks for listening. and God bless you all.

Maudcat

Thanks for sharing. You are not alone. Many people turn to drink because they are socially awkward or anxious.
I wish there was a cure for THAT.

livinginhope

You and me both, Maudcat. I'm hoping that with more sobriety it will get better.

The truth is, I've always been a loner. Since before I even took my first drink. I tend to get along with books more than with most people. Too much solitude isn't healthy, though, and I think it was part of my problem.

CreativeThinker

Congratulations Livinghope,

Thanks so much for your post. I'm a little over 3 months sober and I keep wondering what the 6 month mark and beyond will be like. I was once sober for 11 months but it was so long ago, I don't remember a lot of how was I was feeling during each stage of sobriety.

From what I've been reading here on SR, while the feelings of wanting to drink diminishes substantially the longer we're sober, very few people talk about never ever having any sort of urge again. I'm ok with that for the most part as I feel that I have developed tools to stay sober whenever my AV pops up.

I still haven't put myself in a lot of social outings where there is a lot of drinking. THAT still scares me a bit. In time, when I feel I'm ready, I'll begin to put my toe in the water. For now, I'm content with the way life is.

Thanks again and congratulations!

livinginhope

Hey Creative, great big congratulations to you, too! Three months is a big jump. There were times I felt that it would be impossible to make it three freaking days.

I think most of us will get minor urges now and then. As you say, we just need to keep sharp tools to cut them off.

WeaverBird

Thank you. You've said so much I want to say about myself and my drinking life but can't find the words. I am going to bed now with 25 days to my name and am pretty sure recovery for me will be a long haul, such damage, but tonight I'm fine with that. Bless you too.

D122y

living,

At the AA meeting I attended this weekend there were 2 people with 6 and 8 months clean.

Looking at them, one might think they drank the night before.

I believe it takes a long long time for the brain to stabilize.

At the meetings, many of the folks seemed "wobbly" or off balance. Many of them.

I totally relate. I am just now really starting to feel my feet being agile or nimble.

I routinely use the hand rail now. Didn't used to think about it.

A few times folks would ask me...you ok? Sometimes when standing or walking folks commented...I look like an old man. At around 1 year clean I had trouble standing for long periods of time without leaning on something. It was horrible.

I am working on my...strut walk...these days. I try to keep the wobble part of the flow.

I was training in MMA when I decided to quit being a drunk. Sometimes we did agility drills and we would roll around and stuff. I believe it helped me heal.

I need to stay clean or get old and die before my time.

Thanks.

Dee74

great post and congrats on 8 months livinginhope

D