Wrote this last night in another group. How I feel about drinking on Day 10
Gratitude Gardener
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Join Date: May 2017
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Wrote this last night in another group. How I feel about drinking on Day 10
Its actually Day 11 now. I wrote this last night. I didnt feel that I got enough feedback on this post in a different group, so I am hoping to get some more feedback here...
This is super long. Think of it as a journal entry.
There are quite a few posts right now (in my other group) circulating about how to "take alcohol off the table, out of the picture, etc"...and also about relapsing, tools etc.
Ive been thinking a lot about ALL of those various conversations that have been ongoing today.
Too many to respond to each individually, so I thought I would just post to say, at day 10, how I have been dealing and how I think of alcohol NOW, and how I already WAS thinking of alcohol for the past year especially. Also the tools I am using.
I honestly think of alcohol as something really NOT at all fun to do. I see it as FOOLS GOLD. And I have been seeing it that way for over a year. This is not new. Its been pretty clear to me for a long while. I was drinking, in the end, not for any romantic notions of it being glamorous or FUN, but because I didnt feel I could resist the instant (not even really pleasure) of NUMBING myself... So that I could clean the house, or what have you, or just stop thinking of all the failure in my life. I was drinking because I had, at that point, become APATHETIC about changing anything in my life. I felt helpless, and lost, and I had lost hope of ever changing a damn thing.
This past year my body and my spirit were rejecting the alcohol in almost every way they could to get my attention, without outright killing me or putting me in a hospital (thank you GOD!). I would see wine at the store, and my LIVER would LITERALLY HURT (yes, literal physical pain) to look at it. And the signs from my spirit were repeated dark nights of the soul playing through my life like a broken record from HELL.... Extistential angst, torturous shame. But I didnt see how I could get through all of my deep sadness, heartbreak over my life's direction, incredible confusion... I felt utterly LOST TO LIFE ... So why the hell not drink? I felt it was a big gross monster that had me in chains and limply I surrendered to it... and despite protests from my liver, I would buy it anyway.
It was a way, in the end, of simply giving up. A whispering death wish.
It was not fun or glamorous anymore, and that particular youthful "wild" fun of drinking had worn out many years before. I got wild still, but there was nothing fun about that wild. It was unbalanced, dysfunctional, pathetic wild. Too much makeup on the crazy lady, wild.
So now I see sobriety as an absolutely incredible gift. It feels rich, and deeply meaningful. And I see possibilities again, and they feel doable, possible and realistic.
I cannot imagine I could ever give THIS RIGHT HERE up. Its too good. For me, right now, and for this whole 10 days, I have felt solidly right about becoming sober, and staying sober, for the rest of my life.
There has not yet been any waffling. A couple of body cravings, but no waffling on the deciscion I have made mentally.
Now, if I were to suddenly win a bunch of money, and got myself swept off my feet in euphoria, losing my stable footing and groundedness that I am feeling currently...A relapse could possibly happen. I might, after winning ... Lose focus and someday down the line forget what is important, and drink one day... Feeling untouchable, and armored by that money. I could see that being a dangerous red alert area.
But for now, happily, I am not a lottery winner ... and what I have in front of me... the actual factual circumstances are: Rapidly aging, elderly parents who I love dearly, and need to be fully present for. A teenage niece who looks up to me as a role model, and who needs me awake and aware to her as she faces immense challenges. 2 darling, loving animals that depend on me to be a deserving caretaker of their general well-being, happiness, and health. And ... MY OWN LIFE. At 43, I must now use it or lose it. I must screw my head on straight so that I can be my best FOR ME, and for all the rest. I am all alone. There is literally NO ONE to pick up the peices for me should things blow up on account of my drinking. I have rent to pay, I have my health and ageing to deeply consider.
Maybe I am finally ready to grow up?
I KNOW IN MY BONES that life is better (for me) without another drop of alcohol. There simply is no argument left in me now.
I hope that argument never arises. I pray for protection from it.
And I revel in waking up every morning clear-headed and totally SHAME-FREE. Innocent again. Developing rock-solid self-trust.
I swear to God it feels like ... A MIRACLE.
Because...
I had ceased believing I could DO THIS.
BUT I AM PROVING RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT THAT I CAN.
I use certain phrases/thought processes often as tools. Here they are:
Drinking takes the present moment, which is a beautiful gift, and throws that gift straight into the trash. Drinking, like I was, was a symptom of ingratitude and massive lack of faith in myself and in the natural flow of life (the two are, in reality, ONE THING).
Drinking takes a beautiful new moment, and soils it, mucks it up. It cheapens. Its fools gold, and it is tacky, It never enlightens or improves anything in my life. No moment is ever enhanced by it. The absolute opposite happens. Drinking leads to shallow inauthenticity.
I WANT THE REAL THING NOW. I TRUST THE REAL THING.
My drinking was a thorough exploration of something that DOES NOT WORK. An experiment that failed to pan out. A total dead end.
Been there, done that.
I would love feedback from women who have been sober a long time. Is what I am saying something you relate to as a way you stopped for good?
Am I sounding premature, at 10 days, to say these things?
Does anyone relate?
Did EVERYONE feel this way at first?
This is super long. Think of it as a journal entry.
There are quite a few posts right now (in my other group) circulating about how to "take alcohol off the table, out of the picture, etc"...and also about relapsing, tools etc.
Ive been thinking a lot about ALL of those various conversations that have been ongoing today.
Too many to respond to each individually, so I thought I would just post to say, at day 10, how I have been dealing and how I think of alcohol NOW, and how I already WAS thinking of alcohol for the past year especially. Also the tools I am using.
I honestly think of alcohol as something really NOT at all fun to do. I see it as FOOLS GOLD. And I have been seeing it that way for over a year. This is not new. Its been pretty clear to me for a long while. I was drinking, in the end, not for any romantic notions of it being glamorous or FUN, but because I didnt feel I could resist the instant (not even really pleasure) of NUMBING myself... So that I could clean the house, or what have you, or just stop thinking of all the failure in my life. I was drinking because I had, at that point, become APATHETIC about changing anything in my life. I felt helpless, and lost, and I had lost hope of ever changing a damn thing.
This past year my body and my spirit were rejecting the alcohol in almost every way they could to get my attention, without outright killing me or putting me in a hospital (thank you GOD!). I would see wine at the store, and my LIVER would LITERALLY HURT (yes, literal physical pain) to look at it. And the signs from my spirit were repeated dark nights of the soul playing through my life like a broken record from HELL.... Extistential angst, torturous shame. But I didnt see how I could get through all of my deep sadness, heartbreak over my life's direction, incredible confusion... I felt utterly LOST TO LIFE ... So why the hell not drink? I felt it was a big gross monster that had me in chains and limply I surrendered to it... and despite protests from my liver, I would buy it anyway.
It was a way, in the end, of simply giving up. A whispering death wish.
It was not fun or glamorous anymore, and that particular youthful "wild" fun of drinking had worn out many years before. I got wild still, but there was nothing fun about that wild. It was unbalanced, dysfunctional, pathetic wild. Too much makeup on the crazy lady, wild.
So now I see sobriety as an absolutely incredible gift. It feels rich, and deeply meaningful. And I see possibilities again, and they feel doable, possible and realistic.
I cannot imagine I could ever give THIS RIGHT HERE up. Its too good. For me, right now, and for this whole 10 days, I have felt solidly right about becoming sober, and staying sober, for the rest of my life.
There has not yet been any waffling. A couple of body cravings, but no waffling on the deciscion I have made mentally.
Now, if I were to suddenly win a bunch of money, and got myself swept off my feet in euphoria, losing my stable footing and groundedness that I am feeling currently...A relapse could possibly happen. I might, after winning ... Lose focus and someday down the line forget what is important, and drink one day... Feeling untouchable, and armored by that money. I could see that being a dangerous red alert area.
But for now, happily, I am not a lottery winner ... and what I have in front of me... the actual factual circumstances are: Rapidly aging, elderly parents who I love dearly, and need to be fully present for. A teenage niece who looks up to me as a role model, and who needs me awake and aware to her as she faces immense challenges. 2 darling, loving animals that depend on me to be a deserving caretaker of their general well-being, happiness, and health. And ... MY OWN LIFE. At 43, I must now use it or lose it. I must screw my head on straight so that I can be my best FOR ME, and for all the rest. I am all alone. There is literally NO ONE to pick up the peices for me should things blow up on account of my drinking. I have rent to pay, I have my health and ageing to deeply consider.
Maybe I am finally ready to grow up?
I KNOW IN MY BONES that life is better (for me) without another drop of alcohol. There simply is no argument left in me now.
I hope that argument never arises. I pray for protection from it.
And I revel in waking up every morning clear-headed and totally SHAME-FREE. Innocent again. Developing rock-solid self-trust.
I swear to God it feels like ... A MIRACLE.
Because...
I had ceased believing I could DO THIS.
BUT I AM PROVING RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT THAT I CAN.
I use certain phrases/thought processes often as tools. Here they are:
Drinking takes the present moment, which is a beautiful gift, and throws that gift straight into the trash. Drinking, like I was, was a symptom of ingratitude and massive lack of faith in myself and in the natural flow of life (the two are, in reality, ONE THING).
Drinking takes a beautiful new moment, and soils it, mucks it up. It cheapens. Its fools gold, and it is tacky, It never enlightens or improves anything in my life. No moment is ever enhanced by it. The absolute opposite happens. Drinking leads to shallow inauthenticity.
I WANT THE REAL THING NOW. I TRUST THE REAL THING.
My drinking was a thorough exploration of something that DOES NOT WORK. An experiment that failed to pan out. A total dead end.
Been there, done that.
I would love feedback from women who have been sober a long time. Is what I am saying something you relate to as a way you stopped for good?
Am I sounding premature, at 10 days, to say these things?
Does anyone relate?
Did EVERYONE feel this way at first?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Wow, herculana. Powerful post.
I too did not enjoy drinking at the end of my drinking days.
It becomes quite the merry-go-round. I kept looking for a jump off spot, but couldn't find it.
When I finally recognized that alcohol was controlling me, not the other way around, that my way became clear.
It helped that my spouse, who was a normal drinker, stopped the same time as I did in support.
I shall always be grateful for that.
I can't tell you when my new normal of not drinking alcohol became just an everyday thing.
Prob about the same time that cravings stopped, about 7 or 8 months into sobriety.
I am so very glad that you are doing well.
Keep posting, keep moving forward. Be your best you every day.
Peace.
I too did not enjoy drinking at the end of my drinking days.
It becomes quite the merry-go-round. I kept looking for a jump off spot, but couldn't find it.
When I finally recognized that alcohol was controlling me, not the other way around, that my way became clear.
It helped that my spouse, who was a normal drinker, stopped the same time as I did in support.
I shall always be grateful for that.
I can't tell you when my new normal of not drinking alcohol became just an everyday thing.
Prob about the same time that cravings stopped, about 7 or 8 months into sobriety.
I am so very glad that you are doing well.
Keep posting, keep moving forward. Be your best you every day.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
Originally Posted by herculana 
Drinking takes the present moment, which is a beautiful gift, and throws that gift straight into the trash. Drinking, like I was, was a symptom of ingratitude and massive lack of faith in myself and in the natural flow of life (the two are, in reality, ONE THING).
Drinking takes a beautiful new moment, and soils it, mucks it up. It cheapens. Its fools gold, and it is tacky, It never enlightens or improves anything in my life. No moment is ever enhanced by it. The absolute opposite happens. Drinking leads to shallow inauthenticity.
Drinking takes a beautiful new moment, and soils it, mucks it up. It cheapens. Its fools gold, and it is tacky, It never enlightens or improves anything in my life. No moment is ever enhanced by it. The absolute opposite happens. Drinking leads to shallow inauthenticity.
In terms of feedback, you asked whether people can relate to your thought process. I'm not a woman, but I can relate. My recognition, or at least my increased awareness, of all of the bad things that alcohol was doing to me for years served as a great motivational tool during my early days of recovery. Those emotions - all of the crappy things that alcohol has done to me - can certainly be useful. Recognizing the true impact of alcohol abuse on our body and minds is powerful. So, yes, I can certainly relate. In terms of recovery, whether others relate to your thoughts and experiences is perhaps not all that important. Recovery is very much an individual path.
Anyway, good job so far. Thanks for posting.
Gratitude Gardener
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
No I would like feedback not just from women... it just so happens that I posted that post last night to a all women group... So, its just a left over from that other group.
Thank you all for reflecting with me.
I wrote it because many in that group are at a place where they still feel a nostalgia for drinking. So I felt a little bit like an odd ball because i have NO NOSTALGIA whatsoever.
So I guess I wondered if I was "doing it wrong", lol.
I am deeply thankful, that, at least for now, there is no romantic notion left in my mind about alcohol. I think back to none of it fondly. NONE OF IT.
Because if I had any romantic lingering "crushes" on alcohol, I would be a goner.
Thank you all for reflecting with me.
I wrote it because many in that group are at a place where they still feel a nostalgia for drinking. So I felt a little bit like an odd ball because i have NO NOSTALGIA whatsoever.
So I guess I wondered if I was "doing it wrong", lol.
I am deeply thankful, that, at least for now, there is no romantic notion left in my mind about alcohol. I think back to none of it fondly. NONE OF IT.
Because if I had any romantic lingering "crushes" on alcohol, I would be a goner.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Tyne and Wear, UK
Posts: 1,538
What a great post.
I agree, I feel sick at the mere thought of alcohol at the moment, but yet, not that long ago, I couldn't live without it.
Life is more enjoyable with a clear head and an active mind.
I agree, I feel sick at the mere thought of alcohol at the moment, but yet, not that long ago, I couldn't live without it.
Life is more enjoyable with a clear head and an active mind.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Hey there!
This was a wonderful post, and would be great to have this to look back at as time passes and you hit a stuck spot. In some ways I think it may be easier to stay off the alchohol when that place where only numbness is sought than if it still does something for more than a few seconds or a few minutes. That is certainly where I was at for a long time.
10 days is an awesome gift not to be squandered
This was a wonderful post, and would be great to have this to look back at as time passes and you hit a stuck spot. In some ways I think it may be easier to stay off the alchohol when that place where only numbness is sought than if it still does something for more than a few seconds or a few minutes. That is certainly where I was at for a long time.
10 days is an awesome gift not to be squandered
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
One of the reasons that I stopped going to AA was the war stories. Guys, mostly, talking about prior bad behavior and how their wives still stuck by them.
You have hit it on the head, herculana. Many of them sounded nostalgic for their drinking days.
I just felt sad.
You have hit it on the head, herculana. Many of them sounded nostalgic for their drinking days.
I just felt sad.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 437
Really good post. I was on day 6 and was enjoying the focus then pay day temptation got the better of me and I'm now back on day 1. But this morning I felt so bad and I just kept thinking- why am I doing this to myself. The difference in energy I had was astounding even at just day 6 and I woke this morning hungover, sluggish, and really really tired and I hated it.
Everyday I drank after day 6, I had such a bad headache and the days were wasted. No more.
Really inspiring post x
Everyday I drank after day 6, I had such a bad headache and the days were wasted. No more.
Really inspiring post x
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 437
Originally Posted by herculana
ZOMBIE...
I hope you stick around with us this time!
Really glad you have joined us again. I can't express enough how happy it made me to see you appear on this thread.
Don't drink today. <3
I hope you stick around with us this time!
Really glad you have joined us again. I can't express enough how happy it made me to see you appear on this thread.
Don't drink today. <3
The only thing I'm drinking at present is sleep easy tea:-) with a couple of slices of toast.
After the past few mornings, I honestly do the know why I slipped, I've felt so rotten. Nearing the end of day 1, here's to a sober tomorrow:-)
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 35
Really beautiful post, herc. I'm on day 8 and have no romantic notations about alcohol either. Something feels different this time. I was very concerned last week about the massive depression and lack of energy I was experiencing. But I realize now that it was the reality finally sinking in. No more denial, no more thinking I can control it, no more pretending that it WASN'T the drinking, that it was something else. It wasn't. I've quit and re-started enough times for it to have finally sunk in.
The only thing I will say is that in the past when I've stopped, I've felt as powerful and strong and convinced as you sound now. Yet, after a few months of feeling invincible, still managed to pick up again. So I would just say don't fully trust anything you're feeling right now. Stay strong and re-read this post often, because it is amazingly powerful. Time will be the indicator.
Hopefully you aren't as stubborn and in denial as I have been in the past. I hope this really is the one for you. :-)
The only thing I will say is that in the past when I've stopped, I've felt as powerful and strong and convinced as you sound now. Yet, after a few months of feeling invincible, still managed to pick up again. So I would just say don't fully trust anything you're feeling right now. Stay strong and re-read this post often, because it is amazingly powerful. Time will be the indicator.
Hopefully you aren't as stubborn and in denial as I have been in the past. I hope this really is the one for you. :-)
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 374
I loved your post. I can absolutely relate.
Alcohol is NOT glamorous. Alcohol cheapens everything.
I went to a wedding earlier this year and did not drink. I wasn't pursuing sobriety at the time, or even trying to cut back, the reason I didn't drink was purely because I'd been sick and could still barely eat, let alone drink booze. Anyway, we'd traveled to be at the wedding so had to attend despite my illness. It was eye-opening to be at a wedding and not drink. I truly appreciated the beauty of the couple, watching them look at each other lovingly, the tear-jerking words spoken during the speeches and watching the young kids out on the dance floor having the time of their lives (my four-year-old son included). I appreciated the beauty of the venue, the lovely gardens and watching the photographer capture snaps of the couple gazing into each other's eyes.
If I'd have been drunk I'm certain I would barely have even noticed those things, let along been present in the moment, there to celebrate the couple's commitment to each other.
Alcohol cheapens everything. I know this in my heart, and I need to draw on this when temptation arises.
Congrats on 11 days!
Alcohol is NOT glamorous. Alcohol cheapens everything.
I went to a wedding earlier this year and did not drink. I wasn't pursuing sobriety at the time, or even trying to cut back, the reason I didn't drink was purely because I'd been sick and could still barely eat, let alone drink booze. Anyway, we'd traveled to be at the wedding so had to attend despite my illness. It was eye-opening to be at a wedding and not drink. I truly appreciated the beauty of the couple, watching them look at each other lovingly, the tear-jerking words spoken during the speeches and watching the young kids out on the dance floor having the time of their lives (my four-year-old son included). I appreciated the beauty of the venue, the lovely gardens and watching the photographer capture snaps of the couple gazing into each other's eyes.
If I'd have been drunk I'm certain I would barely have even noticed those things, let along been present in the moment, there to celebrate the couple's commitment to each other.
Alcohol cheapens everything. I know this in my heart, and I need to draw on this when temptation arises.
Congrats on 11 days!
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 437
Thanks Maudcat. I was on day 6 and honestly it's the best I felt in a long time then I had a weekend bender and it just wasn't worth feeling so tired all the time.
I don't think I realised it but the difference is night and day but I'm glad I ignored the post work AV and instead opted to buy a loaf of bread instead of a bottle of anything. Definitely feeling a lot happier and sober me was productive, lunch is all sorted (a nice healthy lunch) and I've cleaned up a bit.
Reading this forum has helped too, a lot of what is said is positive and makes me think-tank yes, I can do this!:-)
I don't think I realised it but the difference is night and day but I'm glad I ignored the post work AV and instead opted to buy a loaf of bread instead of a bottle of anything. Definitely feeling a lot happier and sober me was productive, lunch is all sorted (a nice healthy lunch) and I've cleaned up a bit.
Reading this forum has helped too, a lot of what is said is positive and makes me think-tank yes, I can do this!:-)
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I was too scared to be too joyful...not for a while at least...but I think a lot of people do feel that way - and some always feel that way from that moment on - I hope you're one of the lucky ones Herculana 
D
D
Gratitude Gardener
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To all who replied, and reflected with me... Thank you. The constant touching base and communication between us all is VERY important to me staying present to what I need to be focusing on...
To Dee and Newlife... I really appreciate your solid honesty here with what I have sid. I read your responses earlier, but was too busy at the time to respond. But I remember thinking... Those two said those things to me in exactly the right way for me to HEAR them.
Interestingly, I got in touch with the delicacy of my sobriety (a humbling experience) about an hour after reading those words. I was out running errands on foot with my dog, and it was the time of day when I would usually "reward" (more like punish) myself for getting things done... with a bottle of wine. So... Those triggers of being tired, and that time of day... WHOPPED me with a big ole craving... and something pretty close to NOSTALGIA. I caught a thought that had snuck in ... that thought had already developed into: "wouldnt it be nice to have a big glass of wine when I get home? Help me not feel so tired, and it will unfurl that painful shoulder knot"... It was totally disheartening and shocking... Truth be told.
So from there i utilized the exact tools I talked about in this thread. I talked to myself about throwing the perfectly good moments ahead of me tonight into the trash. Throwing ALL OF tomorrow in the trash, too, while I am at it. I told myself that I dont drink anymore, and its wonderful to not drink.
I got home safely, and did not buy alcohol.
But I am seeing how close it can be for me, and its probably a blessing to know it, as much as I hated seeing what can really happen if I am not on top of my game with this.
To Dee and Newlife... I really appreciate your solid honesty here with what I have sid. I read your responses earlier, but was too busy at the time to respond. But I remember thinking... Those two said those things to me in exactly the right way for me to HEAR them.
Interestingly, I got in touch with the delicacy of my sobriety (a humbling experience) about an hour after reading those words. I was out running errands on foot with my dog, and it was the time of day when I would usually "reward" (more like punish) myself for getting things done... with a bottle of wine. So... Those triggers of being tired, and that time of day... WHOPPED me with a big ole craving... and something pretty close to NOSTALGIA. I caught a thought that had snuck in ... that thought had already developed into: "wouldnt it be nice to have a big glass of wine when I get home? Help me not feel so tired, and it will unfurl that painful shoulder knot"... It was totally disheartening and shocking... Truth be told.
So from there i utilized the exact tools I talked about in this thread. I talked to myself about throwing the perfectly good moments ahead of me tonight into the trash. Throwing ALL OF tomorrow in the trash, too, while I am at it. I told myself that I dont drink anymore, and its wonderful to not drink.
I got home safely, and did not buy alcohol.
But I am seeing how close it can be for me, and its probably a blessing to know it, as much as I hated seeing what can really happen if I am not on top of my game with this.
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