cellardoor77

Hello Everyone!

I haven't posted in a few days, but do log on here every day to read the posts. I often wish I could contribute more, but feel like I am so new that I don't really even trust my own answers. I mean, what perspective do I have at this point? Ya know?

As for me, I'm just trudging along.. One day at a time, the next right thing. You know how it goes. Each new day reveals some new character flaw that I need to work on. I spend much time beating myself up, and then the other half of the time feeling like I'm being too hard on myself. The pendulum swings hard and wide in both directions. It's a journey, and I am slowly but surely beginning to accept that. I'm not going to change myself in a day, or even a month for that matter. But I do feel that there is some progress. Speaking of, I'm now about 35 days of tramadol (I think?), which has been surprisingly difficult. That drug hits on so many receptors, it really messes with your brain chemistry and way of thinking. About 4-5 months off of adderall, and still tapering off benzos. Now down to 7.5mg valium (I can really feel every little cut with this one, and am very much looking forwarding to being off, but it's a slow process).

Anyway, there is something I wanted to ask some of the veterans with longer term sobriety here. At what point did you begin to feel like you were present in life again? Although I have many reasons for wanting to be sober, I think that is the biggest one. I hope the question makes sense. I just look back at the past 10 or so years, and I was basically just a robot, living in a FOG, using pills to control my mood and emotions, not really living. There was a hallowness, and meaningless to it all. The years just flew by without any real meaning or significance. I was just existing for the most part. Nowadays, each day is a struggle. Lacking motivation and energy, plenty of anxiety, depression and regret. And I do understand that this is something that I just have to go through. It's just part of the process. But I'm curious, was there a point when you looked back and felt you were actually living life again; out from under the fog and living a life with presence and a since of purpose or meaning? Was there a point where you thought to yourself 'wow, I have changed'?

Thanks, Everyone

Mattq2

Nice to meet you cellar,
I do not consider myself a veteran of sobriety but I can tell you that it's still getting better for me.
At 11 months sober I feel happy again and find my emotional and mental state is continuing to improve. Yes there are some bad days but I am far more prepared to deal with them in a positive way.

I enjoy living life sober. I know you will too. It's hard work but to smile and be happy again is very worth it. You can do it.

least

I started to feel like I was 'living' and not merely 'existing' around a year's sober time. I realized I was no longer destroying myself and was practicing good habits.

It takes some time to get to that point, but it's a good feeling when you get there.

Maudcat

Hi,cellar. Welcome.
Everyone's healing is different, I believe.
I started to feel more normal just a few weeks into sobriety, felt really good at 3 months, lost cravings at around 7 months.
I don't know exactly when my new normal-not drinking-became just, well, everyday life.
I'd say, probably about the time I didn't experience cravings anymore.
Just stay sober. One day you wake up and feel really good.
That is a great day.

Gottalife

It happened at step 9, which for me was three months in. Life changing spiritual experience.

SimplyE

Very new here only 2 days. So much you wrote rang true. I have been in a fog. Don't know what to say either. Just understand a lot of what you wrote.

cellardoor77

Thank you to everyone for the replies.

I'll be honest and say that there are certain hours of the day that can be very difficult. Some days as a whole can be quite difficult. So much so that you tend to forget those times when you do get a reprieve, or a feeling of peace, or a particular insight. Fortunately, I do get those 'good' moments/hours each day, and I thank God for that. I have to learn to hold on to those moments of clarity and peace and make sure that I do not forget them in the more difficult times. Sometimes in the thick of things, keeping that perspective can be a challenge. Just dealing with everything that goes on in my head from a day to day basis is enough, But then dealing with the real world again.. sheesh! I guess it's just that whole idea of learning, or re-learning to deal with life on life's terms. But I do count my blessings. I am fortunate, and do I realize that things could certainly be worse.

I understand that everyone's recovery time is going to be different, and that this is of course based on so many different factors. I very much understand the concept of 'one day at a time', but learning to truly adopt and accept that perspective and mindset is difficult. I know I tend to get caught up in looking too far ahead and thinking something along the lines of "Ok, in 3 months, or 6 months I should be better", but I suppose that might just be setting myself up for failure, or at least unrealistic expectations. Besides that, it completely negates the whole concept of taking things one day at a time (note to self: just look at what's directly in front of you). Must get that in my head. Thanks for letting me rant.

Dee74

I was an alcoholic but I look back and see 3 months as a real turning point.

Obviously everyones mileages vary but a lot of people get that feeling at 3 months or so. I hope you do too Cellardoor.

tomls

Being alcoholics and addicts we want what we want when we want it and right now! But it doesn't work like that! This has taught me patience for sure!I know what you mean by time slipping by. It's like I woke up the other day and I'm almost 60 years old! WTF happened??!!! I don't know how old you are but I hope you don't wait as long as I did to wake up! I wish you the best on your journey!

cellardoor77

Thank you, Dee. So do I!

Being somewhat scientifically minded, I tend to catch myself thinking of the process more along the lines of a neurological process. Basically imagining the brain having to rewire itself, creating new neurotransmitters, upregulating various receptors in the brain, that sort of thing. Like if I could just be placed into a coma for 3 months, than that would give my brain time to heal, and I would wake up feeling all better! Lol, but I realize it's not that simple. It's the process that we go through those first 3, 6, 12 months+ and how we deal with it that does the re-wiring and shapes us into who we are.

cellardoor77

Thanks, Tomls. You really hit the nail on the head! The age thing is definitely a factor. 40 is staring me down, and I sit here and wonder what have I REALLY done with my life, other than just 'existing' as an emotionally numbed passenger in my life, filling it with mostly hollow things, and brushing off friendships and relationships. As much as it is an issue dealing with addiction, healing and recovery, I think there is a mid-life crisis thing going on as well. An awakening, hopefully one that is here to stay. I know it's a difficult road ahead, and there is still so much healing left to take place.

cellardoor77

*Off tramadol, not 'of tramadol'

mathmajor

Just a few days in I could feel a struggle inside my mind - what do I do with myself besides drink?

I live alone and avoided feeling lonely by drinking... also shrugged off chores, self betterment, and really figuring out what makes me happy.

cellardoor77

Maybe try going to meetings. I've been going the past few weeks, and even though I haven't done the whole sponsor/12 steps part, I almost always get something out of them and feel better after going. Just being around other people and hearing them discuss certain things I can relate to helps.