After 3 relapses, here I am again - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 05-29-2017, 11:25 AM   #1 (permalink)
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After 3 relapses, here I am again


Hi everyone,

Just a little back-story. I lost my dream job six months ago. Trying to quit entirely has been such a struggle. My last binge happened after I'd been interviewing over a 4 month period, with the same company. I had 5 interviews and passed two one-hour tests and it was down to myself and one other. I didn't get the job. I found this out about 3 weeks ago and haven't been able to get myself together. The depression and the crippling anxiety are so horrible that I can't deal with it some days. I am all alone, no one to help me and have to dogs that I have to take care of. This morning, my older dog had been rubbing his eyes and when I looked at them, the wrinkles in his face were irritated and raw. The thought of having to take him for another vet bill sent me into a full panic attack. Well, at least that it what it felt like. This dog means more to me than any thing on this earth and I would do what ever I have to do to help him. I literally got down on my knees and begged God to help me.

I decided after my weekend binge that I've had enough. I know that they alcohol only makes the anxiety worse. It's just to hard to let it go during the worst time in my life. So, last night was my first of stopping drinking. I couldn't sleep at all. This morning, I took a long walk with my dogs and that seemed to help. I've no insurance and going to the doc is out of the question right me.

The depression and anxiety is so crippling that I've lost 30 pounds from having no appetite. I've tried breathing techniques and can't seem to get any relief from it.

I am crying as I write this and that's a relief!! I would cry all day if I could figure out how.

I know that others have probably gone through similar phases with this. If you wouldn't mind, would you please share your stories with me? I feel so horribly alone and terrified.

Thank you for reading this. God bless.
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Old 05-29-2017, 11:33 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I've been where you are, love. And I too have two animals to care (dog and a cat) for who I love desperately, no money for vet bills should they arise, and living on pennies.

I have prayed on my hands and knees, just as you have and for the same exact type of reasons.

Your post made me weep for your sadness.

Please stay here with us. This place is safety. This place CAN be a huge part of how it happens.

Get sober first, dont worry about the rest, and I will pray for you too. Doing so now <3

Others will have better advice and direction for you, I am only on day 10 (and it feels really, really, jaw droppingly good... pretty please, come join me!).

But I just want to say this: Prayers like yours do not go unanswered. I am certain of this.

I prayed like that, and found myself on this site within that same hour, 10 days ago.
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Old 05-29-2017, 12:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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First I'd like to say I'm sorry about your situation as it sounds pretty bad. Losing 30 lbs is fairly serious in my opinion. I think you should seek help, and soon.

You asked us to share so I will. I had done all the types of drinking (daily drinker, weekend warrior, binger). I recall far too many Monday's where I wasn't fit to work and run my business, I remember many nights laying wide awake in bed as the sweat poured out of me and my heart felt like it was going to explode, not eating for 2 days, scared of of my mind from nothing (impending doom). I was enduring all of this for 5-6 hours of drunkenness. How could I not see how insane this was? The tipping point was an accident I had, a bad one. At that point the consequences had just become to great to continue thinking that drinking "fit" in my life and my life's goals. So I quit, and I'm glad I did.
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Old 05-29-2017, 12:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you Herculana, your post made me cry as well. My dog had to have emergency surgery on his eyes back in March. I had no choice, had to do it as he was in pain. I am hoping that I can manage this on my own. I worry more about them than I do myself. You seem to be the same. Thank you for understanding. It meant the WORLD to me.

Congrats on the 10 days. I wish that I was that far in. Soon!!! HUGS
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Old 05-29-2017, 12:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
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We have to put our own oxygen masks on before we can make a lasting and deeply beneficial difference in the lives of those we care for, be they humans, or our beloved unconditionally loving furry companions.

So put on your oxygen mask. Dont drink today.

I post every day, I chat here, I stayed GLUED HERE for the first week. I post every craving. I am a squeaky wheel on this site... and it is saving my life.

The support here is unmatched, as I have tried other methods in the past. Ive never felt so safe and supported as I do here.

God Bless <3
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Old 05-29-2017, 02:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
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My friend came to visit just a bit ago

She didn't know that I was over my binge and was trying to stop. We were sitting outside and she asked if I wanted a glass of wine. Told her no, I can't handle the anxiety that it causes.

She was understanding of course. We continued to chat and she was trying to find out information and think of ways that could help. I recently applied for Medicaid (new low, first time ever) and she told me that she doesn't think that I will get it. She was really trying to me feel better and ended up making me feel worse. After about an hour I said, "yeah, lets drink."

I told her that I would be up after I ate something. I've decided to say no. This is a toughie for me. Wow. I want it so bad but want the anxiety to go away more.

So, tonight I will probably have my sweaty-night light sleep moments, but tomorrow will be better. One day at a time.

Thank you to all that shared. I feel like we are leading double lives. I've gone through so much of what you've experienced and now back on that road. Thank you thank you thank you.
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Old 05-29-2017, 03:09 PM   #7 (permalink)
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You can start to climb today, and that means... you can start to apply the ONLY true solution that is going to work. You know this.

More alcohol is not the solution.

You can put on your oxygen mask TODAY.

It will take some getting used to, breathing healthier air... Your body wants the toxic stuff, but your mind knows better.

Please don't go over there, love.

Reread your first post today.

Don't prolong this torturous cycle.
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Old 05-29-2017, 03:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Welcome back Ja3nt

I think you've made a great decision but do it not only for your dog, but for yourself.

This could be day one of the rest of your new life.

D
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Old 05-29-2017, 03:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Best of luck Ja3nt
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Sobriety Date 2nd July 2018

- I am not going back there again -
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Old 05-29-2017, 04:26 PM   #10 (permalink)
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,Ja3,

The part i relate most to is the drinking. My life is different.

Drinking starts out making everything better. Then it finishes making everything worse....and we are addicted to boot.

Stay clean and work towards your goals.

Let your mind normalize and then you can be reassured that your decisions are at least not booze infused.

I went off today because my wife was calling me stupid. I tried to tell her to stop in my nice voice, went to my stern voice, then through a cuss word, and finally screamed at her.

Some folks need that. I don't regret it, i did it fully sober and proud.

Go for it.

Thanks.
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When I crave I think of the next day after effects:

high blood pressure, sleep issues, strength loss, immune system compromise (sick).

BpSSS. My mantra.

Studied "alcohol kindling" and "alcohol PAWS."

Last intoxication: 8 May 15.
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Old 05-29-2017, 04:33 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I'm glad you decided not to drink today, that was a great first step. Apply for Medicaid and see what happens. Do you have any current job prospects? Are you able to work doing something out of your filled while you still look for positions?
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Old 05-29-2017, 07:18 PM   #12 (permalink)
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9:02 pm - still no drink!

Thanks again for the support. I keep coming back to this today because it's been so amazing!!

My dog seems to be doing better, just keeping everything clean and hoping that he doesn't get infected.

For the first time in about 3 weeks, the anxiety isn't here. I can actually relax and feel sleepy. You don't know how wonderful that is when you haven't been able to stand up straight because the massive knot in your stomach won't allow you too. I even had a little bit of an appetite! It felt amazing to feel a little normal.

I do have a couple of jobs in the works. One would be amazing but it would require a move. The second one is the same and the move would be to NYC. I can't see myself there at all. The third would be great but still waiting to hear back. I have applied to over 1000 positions, no doubt. There is so much competition that it takes forever to get noticed. Such a pain. I hate filling out applications at this point. It's non-stop and so boring. Ah well, that is what we have to do, right?

Just wanted to say good-night to everyone. It meant so much and helped me feel better. I appreciate so very much. <3<3<3
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Old 05-29-2017, 07:36 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Hi Ja3nt. Yes, I've definitely been where you are. I drank 30 yrs. I promise you can get free of it and have the wonderful life you deserve. Keep posting. It helps so much with the anxiety to talk to people who understand & care. You're going to do this!
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Old 05-29-2017, 08:36 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Animals are a great motivator.
When you are suffering through withdraws don't let that little bad part of your brain trick you or convince you. Always keep in mind what you -can't- do for your dog if you drink and keep soldiering through it.
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