A long story.... (new member)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
A long story.... (new member)
Morning everyone,
I'm not really sure where to start with this and apologise in advance for the length of the post - although I'll try and keep it as short as possible.
Like a lot of people on here, I have been lurking in the background for many years although I only actually signed up yesterday.
I'm 36 and live in the UK. Sadly, I have been a heavy drinker since I was a teenager. I had to have my stomach pumped aged 15 for alcohol poisoning, I have had 2 inpatient medical detoxes, one in 2006 and another in 2012 along with 2 at home detoxes and several attempts at going cold turkey on my own. I have also been admitted to hospital twice with alcohol poisoning.
The longest I have ever gone without a drink was 6 months after I came out of a detox and was on disulfram/antabuse. Even then I started to drink whilst taking it so eventually stopped taking it.
Other than that 6 months, the longest I have managed to go without a drink has been probably 48 hours until recently.
Despite all of that, I have managed to hold down a full time job my entire adult life with one exception when I was made redundant and also suffered a head injury at the same time which lead to some very serious drinking and my second inpatient detox. I have been with my current employer for 4 years and love my job and am well respected with my peers.
In the last few years, my drinking has reduced but has still been at levels far too high and still takes over my life. Probably a bottle of wine a night on a work night then drinking to oblivion on my days off. Usually the only thing that stops me from drinking once I start is either running out of booze or passing out, whichever comes first. I've not been in a relationship for years (due to my drinking) and avoid social engagements with friends so I can drink alone. The resulting hangovers mean I regularly miss appointments etc too. My cupboards are full of empty bottles that I hide in case I get visitors and I do my recycling under the cover of dark! I even alternate what shops I buy my booze from to try and hide my problem.
Surprisingly, the one thing that has helped me cut down my drinking was passing my driving test 3 years ago. I would never drink drive or with a hangover, although that is not to say I haven't abandoned my car on several occasions so I could drink.
Bizarrely, I never thought I had a 'proper drink problem' although having typed this all out, it is quite clear I do. I've had alcohol counsellors in the past but just found myself lying to them. I even turned up to one appointment after 2 bottles of wine and then tried claiming I hadn't been drinking!
2 weeks ago, I decided I must stop drinking (although this is not the first time I have had this thought). I thought I would try for a week and then take it from there. I managed 6 days, which I appreciate may not sound like a lot but to me it was very significant. Unfortunately I then got wasted for 2 days, but decided to regroup and try for 2 weeks next time. I managed 8 days followed by 2 days of heavy drinking again. These 2 periods of 6 and 8 days were an eye opener for me. Everything just seemed better. Work was better despite the foggy head. Sleep was better. I started reading a book which I haven't done in years. So many things.
This pretty much takes me up to present day and why I decided to finally post something. I find it very hard to talk about my drinking. I've become accustomed to lying about it, making excuses for it and trying to suppress the shame that I feel about it. I'm not really looking for a response to this post, I just feel I had to say some of this 'out loud' so to speak.
This time it feels different. I have decided I am done with drink and have accepted that I can't ever even have one drink (as this weekend has proven).
I have found an alcohol recovery support program (on my street that I live!) and am calling them first thing tomorrow to get a referral (it is a bank holiday here in the UK today). I'm also going to try and check in here every day so that I can get regular support if needed and try to keep myself occupied - I often blame boredom for my drinking.
Anyway, I've been 24 hours without a drink and am looking forward to my new future.
Sorry this has gone on for so long!
I'm not really sure where to start with this and apologise in advance for the length of the post - although I'll try and keep it as short as possible.
Like a lot of people on here, I have been lurking in the background for many years although I only actually signed up yesterday.
I'm 36 and live in the UK. Sadly, I have been a heavy drinker since I was a teenager. I had to have my stomach pumped aged 15 for alcohol poisoning, I have had 2 inpatient medical detoxes, one in 2006 and another in 2012 along with 2 at home detoxes and several attempts at going cold turkey on my own. I have also been admitted to hospital twice with alcohol poisoning.
The longest I have ever gone without a drink was 6 months after I came out of a detox and was on disulfram/antabuse. Even then I started to drink whilst taking it so eventually stopped taking it.
Other than that 6 months, the longest I have managed to go without a drink has been probably 48 hours until recently.
Despite all of that, I have managed to hold down a full time job my entire adult life with one exception when I was made redundant and also suffered a head injury at the same time which lead to some very serious drinking and my second inpatient detox. I have been with my current employer for 4 years and love my job and am well respected with my peers.
In the last few years, my drinking has reduced but has still been at levels far too high and still takes over my life. Probably a bottle of wine a night on a work night then drinking to oblivion on my days off. Usually the only thing that stops me from drinking once I start is either running out of booze or passing out, whichever comes first. I've not been in a relationship for years (due to my drinking) and avoid social engagements with friends so I can drink alone. The resulting hangovers mean I regularly miss appointments etc too. My cupboards are full of empty bottles that I hide in case I get visitors and I do my recycling under the cover of dark! I even alternate what shops I buy my booze from to try and hide my problem.
Surprisingly, the one thing that has helped me cut down my drinking was passing my driving test 3 years ago. I would never drink drive or with a hangover, although that is not to say I haven't abandoned my car on several occasions so I could drink.
Bizarrely, I never thought I had a 'proper drink problem' although having typed this all out, it is quite clear I do. I've had alcohol counsellors in the past but just found myself lying to them. I even turned up to one appointment after 2 bottles of wine and then tried claiming I hadn't been drinking!
2 weeks ago, I decided I must stop drinking (although this is not the first time I have had this thought). I thought I would try for a week and then take it from there. I managed 6 days, which I appreciate may not sound like a lot but to me it was very significant. Unfortunately I then got wasted for 2 days, but decided to regroup and try for 2 weeks next time. I managed 8 days followed by 2 days of heavy drinking again. These 2 periods of 6 and 8 days were an eye opener for me. Everything just seemed better. Work was better despite the foggy head. Sleep was better. I started reading a book which I haven't done in years. So many things.
This pretty much takes me up to present day and why I decided to finally post something. I find it very hard to talk about my drinking. I've become accustomed to lying about it, making excuses for it and trying to suppress the shame that I feel about it. I'm not really looking for a response to this post, I just feel I had to say some of this 'out loud' so to speak.
This time it feels different. I have decided I am done with drink and have accepted that I can't ever even have one drink (as this weekend has proven).
I have found an alcohol recovery support program (on my street that I live!) and am calling them first thing tomorrow to get a referral (it is a bank holiday here in the UK today). I'm also going to try and check in here every day so that I can get regular support if needed and try to keep myself occupied - I often blame boredom for my drinking.
Anyway, I've been 24 hours without a drink and am looking forward to my new future.
Sorry this has gone on for so long!
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Hi Tidytemper, good to meet you.
Like you, my addiction told me that I didn't have a problem. I believed it and that kept me in denial for 25 years.
This site has been an incredible support to me. I think of this site as the enemy of my AV. As soon as my addiction starts talking, I log on here and I always read something that gives me the strength to tell my AV to shut up. In particular the posts about relapse reinforce to me that I can never, ever drink again.
It's great that you're being honest about your drinking here and that you've found a (very local!) recovery group and that you are going to use this site. Sounds like you are determined and you have a plan. Stay close to this site, you will be understood and supported here. Good luck
Like you, my addiction told me that I didn't have a problem. I believed it and that kept me in denial for 25 years.
This site has been an incredible support to me. I think of this site as the enemy of my AV. As soon as my addiction starts talking, I log on here and I always read something that gives me the strength to tell my AV to shut up. In particular the posts about relapse reinforce to me that I can never, ever drink again.
It's great that you're being honest about your drinking here and that you've found a (very local!) recovery group and that you are going to use this site. Sounds like you are determined and you have a plan. Stay close to this site, you will be understood and supported here. Good luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Thanks Kenton.
Yes, I feel very determined this time. I've spent the last few weeks combing through this site and forums and it has helped me realise that this is the start of a long, but necessary and doable journey.
Hopefully keeping things in perspective will help keep me on the right tracks.
Today will be tough, but I'm ready for it. Bring it on!!!
Yes, I feel very determined this time. I've spent the last few weeks combing through this site and forums and it has helped me realise that this is the start of a long, but necessary and doable journey.
Hopefully keeping things in perspective will help keep me on the right tracks.
Today will be tough, but I'm ready for it. Bring it on!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi Tidy. I'm in the UK as well. It might be worth checking out your local AA groups as well as the support program that needs a referral. With AA you can just go along to any meeting - no referrals, registers or whatever, plus the bank holiday won't make any difference at all to AA meetings - they'll be there as usual.
I relate to everything you've shared although I never had my stomach pumped (probably wouldn't have been a bad idea a couple of times that I recall scaring my mum half to death). The denial and justification certainly rings true. And that feeling that this time is different - on the time that I finalky meant it and got sober it was different. More a quiet, fear-filled resignation and acknowledgment of the problem than the declarations of this that and the other that I'd loudly (and half heartedly )made in the past. I suppose it was me conceding defeat. Finally realising that if I ever take that first drink, then alcohol will always win. There could never be any moderation or controlled drinking for me. Once I take that first drink, all bets are off. I'd resisted that for decades because I'd always managed to hold a job (well, lots of jobs because I always had issues with my employers and quit before they got rid of me) and never 'quite' lost my home, partner or family . Like you though, the denial about the unmanageability that alcohol brought to my life had worn thin. Everything had been constantly teetering on the brink of control, and I lived with a very real threat of chaos casting a dark dark shadow ovr my life- which of course I'd drank on. A somewhat typical case of "If you had my problems you'd drink as well!!" Lol. More like "If you drank like I do, you'd have problems as well!!" When I first went to AA they told me to just take one day at a time, and not try to solve all my problems just yet, and promised me that if I didn't drink, one day at a time, gradually some of those problems would become manageable. They were right. And then I heard the rest of the promises, and eventually wanted them to come true badly enough that I became willing to really work on my recovery. And those promises have also materialised. It's all been pretty amazing really. I'm not saying that every days been a picnic in the park. Some bits have felt pretty scary and awful, but it's been worth it.
You can do this!
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
I relate to everything you've shared although I never had my stomach pumped (probably wouldn't have been a bad idea a couple of times that I recall scaring my mum half to death). The denial and justification certainly rings true. And that feeling that this time is different - on the time that I finalky meant it and got sober it was different. More a quiet, fear-filled resignation and acknowledgment of the problem than the declarations of this that and the other that I'd loudly (and half heartedly )made in the past. I suppose it was me conceding defeat. Finally realising that if I ever take that first drink, then alcohol will always win. There could never be any moderation or controlled drinking for me. Once I take that first drink, all bets are off. I'd resisted that for decades because I'd always managed to hold a job (well, lots of jobs because I always had issues with my employers and quit before they got rid of me) and never 'quite' lost my home, partner or family . Like you though, the denial about the unmanageability that alcohol brought to my life had worn thin. Everything had been constantly teetering on the brink of control, and I lived with a very real threat of chaos casting a dark dark shadow ovr my life- which of course I'd drank on. A somewhat typical case of "If you had my problems you'd drink as well!!" Lol. More like "If you drank like I do, you'd have problems as well!!" When I first went to AA they told me to just take one day at a time, and not try to solve all my problems just yet, and promised me that if I didn't drink, one day at a time, gradually some of those problems would become manageable. They were right. And then I heard the rest of the promises, and eventually wanted them to come true badly enough that I became willing to really work on my recovery. And those promises have also materialised. It's all been pretty amazing really. I'm not saying that every days been a picnic in the park. Some bits have felt pretty scary and awful, but it's been worth it.
You can do this!
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Hampshire UK
Posts: 162
Welcome Tidytemper, and thanks for sharing your experiences. I'm sure a lot of us relate to them. Like you, I have been a functioning alcoholic for many years and have a long history of start/stop drinking (I'm currently on Day 3 again!).
I am also hoping to self-refer to a local 1-1 alcohol counselling service (I am in the UK too and picked up a leaflet at the GP surgery). However, one of my biggest and newest realisations is that in order to stay stopped I am going to have to find a way of re-defining myself - at the moment, I think I sort of accept what I am rather than seek to change what I am. Good luck with your quest.
I am also hoping to self-refer to a local 1-1 alcohol counselling service (I am in the UK too and picked up a leaflet at the GP surgery). However, one of my biggest and newest realisations is that in order to stay stopped I am going to have to find a way of re-defining myself - at the moment, I think I sort of accept what I am rather than seek to change what I am. Good luck with your quest.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Thanks everyone.
Deepblue - I'm sure you've read through these forums and know you're not alone in hitting the reset button a few times. It's nice to speak to someone else who is also in the early days of getting sober. Hopefully we can support and encourage each other.
I just called the alcohol counselling place and was surprised to find they were open. They have drop-ins every afternoon although said they couldn't fit me in today so I am going down tomorrow afternoon.
Can't lie, it's this evening I'm not looking forward to. That's when I usually start drinking and I start to panic as it gets closer to the time the shops close. Going to make a plan for keeping myself occupied so I can't be tempted!
Deepblue - I'm sure you've read through these forums and know you're not alone in hitting the reset button a few times. It's nice to speak to someone else who is also in the early days of getting sober. Hopefully we can support and encourage each other.
I just called the alcohol counselling place and was surprised to find they were open. They have drop-ins every afternoon although said they couldn't fit me in today so I am going down tomorrow afternoon.
Can't lie, it's this evening I'm not looking forward to. That's when I usually start drinking and I start to panic as it gets closer to the time the shops close. Going to make a plan for keeping myself occupied so I can't be tempted!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 933
Welcome to SR tidytemper.
This a great place for help and support and wisdom
If I could pass on one crumb of advice, it would be to start being truthful about your drinking.
If you can be absolutely honest with yourself at all times, it will go a long way to keeping you sober.
Good luck to you on your journey. :-)
This a great place for help and support and wisdom
If I could pass on one crumb of advice, it would be to start being truthful about your drinking.
If you can be absolutely honest with yourself at all times, it will go a long way to keeping you sober.
Good luck to you on your journey. :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by tufty13 
If you can be absolutely honest with yourself at all times, it will go a long way to keeping you sober.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family. For help staying sober, why not join the Class of May (in Newcomers) and also post on the 24 hour connection thread in Daily Support. It's a good way to be accountable and get support from others going thru the same journey.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-two.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-250-a.html
For help staying sober, why not join the Class of May (in Newcomers) and also post on the 24 hour connection thread in Daily Support. It's a good way to be accountable and get support from others going thru the same journey. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-two.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-250-a.html
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Toronto
Posts: 268
Welcome, Tidytemper!!
I can relate to so much of what you've written! Glad you've joined us!
I'm going to echo what least mentioned about joining the May class. I joined the January class when I signed up and it's helped me stay accountable and sober! Checking in with others who are getting sober with me has been monumental in my journey....as has this whole site!!
There's also a saying one wise member here mentioned along the way and it's stuck with me. They said " I've NEVER regretted NOT drinking". I know it sounds so simple, but for some reason that saying is one I tell myself whenever a craving hits Best of luck on your journey!!
I can relate to so much of what you've written! Glad you've joined us!
I'm going to echo what least mentioned about joining the May class. I joined the January class when I signed up and it's helped me stay accountable and sober! Checking in with others who are getting sober with me has been monumental in my journey....as has this whole site!!
There's also a saying one wise member here mentioned along the way and it's stuck with me. They said " I've NEVER regretted NOT drinking". I know it sounds so simple, but for some reason that saying is one I tell myself whenever a craving hits
Best of luck on your journey!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Thought I'd just update this to say that I went to the alcohol services place this afternoon as per message yesterday and had a good 1 to 1 chat for an hour.
I've agreed to go to a group meeting on Friday which I'm not looking forward to if I'm being completely honest.
They seem to have a lot of useful resources but time will tell. I just hope I can stick to it this time! Fingers crossed...
I've agreed to go to a group meeting on Friday which I'm not looking forward to if I'm being completely honest.
They seem to have a lot of useful resources but time will tell. I just hope I can stick to it this time! Fingers crossed...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
This is about progress and not perfection, ya know?
Each step that you take towards sobriety is a step in the right direction. You may not be looking forward to the meeting but who knows how you will actually feel once you are there? You may find it relieving and worth the time.
I was also a bottle of wine drinker. Everyday. Weekends were more. Its hard to believe that I was hurting myself like that daily. Im only 2 1/2 months sober this time but it has made a world of difference in my life, relationships, work etc.
If I think of alcohol, I only think about how much I would hurt the next day and how that "hurt" is not even an option. I will not continue down that same destructive path. I wont make it far.
You have been honest here. I hope you continue to be honest with yourself and get some good stability under you. The nights can be filled with so many different things. Personally, after work, I geek out on a series watching Netflix.
Change up your routine at night. Eat dinner. Wash off the day. Check into the forum and post. Watch an episode or read a book. Go to bed early. Rinse and repeat.
Each step that you take towards sobriety is a step in the right direction. You may not be looking forward to the meeting but who knows how you will actually feel once you are there? You may find it relieving and worth the time.
I was also a bottle of wine drinker. Everyday. Weekends were more. Its hard to believe that I was hurting myself like that daily. Im only 2 1/2 months sober this time but it has made a world of difference in my life, relationships, work etc.
If I think of alcohol, I only think about how much I would hurt the next day and how that "hurt" is not even an option. I will not continue down that same destructive path. I wont make it far.
You have been honest here. I hope you continue to be honest with yourself and get some good stability under you. The nights can be filled with so many different things. Personally, after work, I geek out on a series watching Netflix.
Change up your routine at night. Eat dinner. Wash off the day. Check into the forum and post. Watch an episode or read a book. Go to bed early. Rinse and repeat.
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