exhausted369

I wrote in the wrong place last night i think

But ill post it here rather than go thru it all again

Any support wud be appreciated .. i know some will tell
Me
How stupid and naive i was but i already know that
Im
Living w the consequences of true co dependancy and the choices of my addict as well

Here is my story - as one commenter pointed out on the thread below link
my mind ahs 1000 things going on at once so apology for its lack of smooth readability right now
This just happened yesterday .. after multiple "treatments" an ocean of 18 months of hope tears fear love and gaslighting to the point i have felt suicidel over it all

Theres fentanyl KILLING people left and right!
But all adficts i guess think itll never hapoen to them even with a 70% Fatality rate for heroin. bEFORE fentanyl

Now,???? In my city its in 90% of all drig samoles tested .. even non opiates

A good friend and person i loved just died ladt year die to years of drug abuse ..

Drug lies .. gaslighting minimization blame taking off , smear campaigning against me to every other sick addict he knows as soon as hes caught

Our entire relationship hasnt been spent on building love and TRUST its been spent playing a detective game of cat and mouse for drugs and evidence and truth ...
And hes never afmitted anyrhing
Sometimes even right when i have the drug in my hand.. its OLD..

Constant soul burning LIES to my eyes .. for Heroin Use and using every virtue against me for his precious Secret agenda against HIMsELF!


When we met he BEGGED me to help
Him get out of it .. and stay out we fell in love so i dug my heels in and fought fir him
Only to realize he was pretty much screwing me - with the lies and deception ..


The patterns and cycles if The SAMe groundhog day never changing is what i cant believe the most .. they NEVER seem to truly MOVE on ir away or Break aNY oatterns .. for longer than a week or so.. the Enabling patterns .. the IMPuLsIVE rash defaults
The taking on too much manic side when sober then the fall NO ine finds out about till days ir weeks kater after theyre re addicted AGAIN


Here is the link to my Original Post last night
I dint want to sound mean im jusyb so so so so deeply HURT..
I truly cant cope any other way or with anymore from him

I am guilty if verbally lashing out at times -i know its wrong i cant control it sometimes
seems its my only defence to any if this .. even tho its wrong

Thats why i just removed myself completely


i have ptsd .. i know its wrong but i feel my resentful words of truth to him are a far cry from the absolute Evil and cruelty i have endured to protect HIS addiction
At least thats what i tell myself
I realized there is a FINE LINE between loving helping and enabling

My BF addict has a lot of money which ONLY MAKES it 10x WORSE and more dangerous i feel


Here it is : Under" family and friends of substance abusers " section?
copy paste search
-everyone sympathizes w addict-what-about-us-oathological

Oops wont allow me to post the link

Darn...



thanks for listening any comments to link may as well just be posted here

Sorry for the confusion

Sincerely
A loving yet temrinally
Frustrated
burnt out Empath

Ariesagain

There are some situations that are just utterly beyond words of comfort...so I'm sending you a big hug.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

doggonecarl

Here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hological.html

doggonecarl

Sorry for what brings you here. In your first post you wrote:

"Sadly
Im finally
Letting go of this TOXIC person who told
Me he wanted out ... im exhaisted and broken and sad"

There is nothing sad about letting go of something so toxic. Sad was hanging on thinking you could change him.

exhausted369

[QUOTE=Ariesagain;6475662]There are some situations that are just utterly beyond words of comfort...so I'm sending you a big hug.

"I'm sorry you're going through this."

Thank you
Im just at my wits end
No councellor is going to fix this i think only talking somehwere like here will really give me back to myself

I can only hope

Havent heard from him
I feel guilty for making ascene outside the bathroom at the whale watching place and embarrased him

Now hes gone and i feel really empty Gulit ridden and used and alone

exhausted369

Also heroin sint his only addiction

Hes addicted to
His phone
$
pathogical Lying and self preservation for the wrong reasons
Guilt and shame as secondary emotions to his actions
Creating more problems w his X
By lying to her also ina faled and vain to attemot
To appease CRAZY for his $
Addicted to disassociation( video games
Phone- or hell
**** foen and oretend to be alseep when confronted at times

I just wanted an honest sober man
From
My twin flame
Its what he said He wanted to and has soent over $100,000 since we met so
Ehow NOT staying clean theu various abenues fir long term recovery

But he wont DO the internal
Work
He avoids it like the plague
Thats how i know hea not seriois and how im treated wont wver changenunless the TRUTH becomes who he is and he resolves his deep rooted women issues

His mom is diagnosed schizo also
And uses him for $

And he cant even stand to see her sober
He said "she doesnt desrrve me sober""

How
Sick is this?

Dee74

I'm sorry for what brings you here but I know you'll find support exhausted369.

I think it's possible to grive and miss a losty love even when that relationship has turned toxic.

It seems like the relationship has bought you a lot of pain and anger...I hope you can stick to your decision and move on

D

exhausted369

Thanks dee74

🤦🏼*♀️ Im
Doing my best here is better than crying alone in my room
W no ine who can understand

Everyone of course thinks im the problem - sadly
His addiction began 5 years BEFORE we even met
Due ti a surgery anf a fentanyl otch

Gotta love thise addict enabling doctors out there
You all know
Who u are!
Harm none my ass!

Berrybean

It might be worth you attending some Nar-Anon or Al-anon meetings or reading some of their literature. A counsellor actually might be able to help you sort through your feelings and confusion about this relationship, what no one can do (yourself included) is change HIM. They may be able to help you clarify and get straight in your head what actually happened in that relationship (this could be especially important if it's been a gaslighting situation ) and this will help you resist being drawn back into it - let's face it, he sounds like a pretty good manipulator and if there's any tiny doubt or regret about the end of the relationship he's likely to try to exploit that if he wants his hostage back.

I am so, so sorry that this situation has you in pain right job, but you can (I believe) use this pain as the catalyst for personal growth that could improve your future relationships and partner-choices. Often it's when we lean hard into our fears that good can come from bad experiences.

Take care. BB