Reaching out
 

Hi.

I am coming off of a very bad drunken experiece and I cannot say anything for myself or why this happened again. I just feel alone. If someone who's doing better or feels like in the same position could PM me, I would be very grateful.

I understand the wanting privacy but why not let things develop in a thread as well K? Share as much or as little as you like...

You may not only help yourself but help someone else too?

D

I will try and keep this as conservative as possible. Right now, I just dont know what to share, to be honest. Restating the failures would be the same story, slightly different words.

But that's most of our stories kk15x. Lots of us relapse (me) and it's hard to come back, but so worth it. I do hope you begin to share here kk1 as apart from yourself, and as Dee says, it does help others. We need you too.

What exactly is happening, or has happened?

Little or as much as you like. :)

Welcome kk. We all have moments with alcohol that we want to forget. Coming here is a great step if you are interested in pursuing sobriety. You might start with letting us know what your thoughts are on sobriety. We all are here because we got tired of alcohol controlling us and stealing our lives. Welcome!

Keep posting kk, as said I think we can all relate to the self loathing & the dispair of it. I know it's what brought me here & so much support & encouragement here. Be kind to yourself

I don't think what happened is as important as why it happened , or what you're going to do about it now K :)

D

I'm glad you are here. I found it really helpful to post and read a lot in the beginning. I still do quite a bit now as well.

I was a member of several monthly classes, but finally made it stick with the January 2016 class, having a group of people who were on the journey with me, and at the same place in their recovery was/is very helpful.

I also really like the 24 hour thread. It's a great way to check in each day, and you will find many wonderfully supportive people there.

The first few weeks are the hardest, but they are worth it.

Looking forward to seeing you on here!

k, you're very brave to take the step to come here. In the past I just ignored myself, I knew drinking was taking over my life but was helpless so I gave in, and gave in and gave in. Then eventually I stopped, I found SR and realised there was a life, a good life without alcohol. Really!

Give it a try, k. When you're feeling like drinking, play the tape, imagine the end result, not the first drink, but the tenth, twentieth, the next morning, the misgivings, hangover, embarrassment perhaps! Then come here to SR, where people who know what you're going through can help you.

I agree with Dee. Maybe this is a good time to read / reread the threads about making a plan and look at those ideas which you haven't yet tried making a part of your recovery. They could be the thing that makes the difference. If this latest relapse can be the thing that acts as the one that brings the 'gift of desperation' (as I've heard it called) to try what you have so far been reluctant to try, then good can come out of it. This thread of Dee's is one of my favourites and has helped skills many people. ...http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html

The darkest moments in my own journey were very painful, but when I look back they were also the times became catalysts for change because they gave me the gift of desperation, and made me willing to try what I'd previously point blank refused to entertain the thought of. And those things turned out to be the very things I needed (No wonder my AV fought them so hard!)

Sending prayers and love to you, with wishes for sustained sobriety and strong recovery in the near future.

BB

You titled your post, "Reaching Out."

The time to reach out, when you are struggling, is before you drink. Not after. I speak from experience. My relapse was planned and I didn't bring it to SR because I didn't want to be talked out of it.

But I didn't mind carrying my regrets about relapsing back to SR. Sort of backwards, you think?

Hey KK,

I've been in your position many times. I was once 11 months sober and I relapsed...it sucks, I know! A lot of people here know too.

I tried many times to get sober again after my relapse, but always caved around the 3 month mark. Years went by and before I knew it, a decade had passed.

Don't beat yourself up, it happens. What's important is to learn from it and create a plan that will ensure that it doesn't happen again. Whether it's AA, SMART, coming here more often to post, or any other type of recovery program...whatever you think will work for you.

Take care and be good to yourself!
:tyou

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Thank you everyone for your support.
I did try to reach out before I relapsed. I turned to the people I take as my closest - my family. I tried to explain to them how discomforting my conference trip had been and why. They brushed it off. So when I came home that first night and they could smell the alcohol on my breath, is when the questioning started etc. The next day, we were supposed to have a family dinner, yet I was 'forced' to announce to those members coming in from out of town that the event is off because I had consumed alcohol. It was embarrassing and for me, a punch in the gut.
I reached out, they wouldnt listen, I took a drink and they ridiculed me, made me feel worse. That then started the weeklong war of attrition, sober during the day to work, drunk in the evenings because I couldnt 'cope'.
In the end, all the responsibility is still mine. I didnt do enough to avoid my current situation

I feel for you KK. Thing is, no matter how much our families love us, it doesn't mean that they are capable of understanding alcoholism or addiction. That's why I needed (and will continue to need) the support of other recovering alcoholics, both here on this forum and in AA.

Please stay close to the folk on here and reach out online for support. Maybe even consider getting to some meetings locally. The support is available, but we need to seek it out in the right places. Please try not to feel hurt by your families inability to give you what they need. It is very painful for our loved ones to watch us self-destruct and not know what to say or do to change things - reading around the Friends and Family subforum on here helped me to appreciate that.

Take care. BB

Ditto what Berrybean said: normal people don't understand addiction, whatever form it comes in. They simply don't get it.
That is one reason why discussing your drinking with other people in recovery is so important: they will make observations that are invaluable. They have the experience and usually have been through exactly what you are going through. And, they get it.
I would highly suggest a program, if only to give you a place to share. The isolation and loneliness of drinking and suffering from addiction is so painful. And, it doesn't have to be that way.

I turned to my family and friends too - no support.

With the benefit of 10 years on, I can see now, for me, that was kind of like the hostage taker asking for help from the hostages.

Like someone else said, it didn't mean my fam and friends didn't love me - but they were fed up and frightened by my repeated returns to alcohol.

It was hard for them to retain perspective or divorce themselves from the problem.

I found real support and understanding amongst the people who'd been what I'd been through :)

D

I guess you guys are all correct. What was once broken can never be re-established exactly the same. I turned to my family because I thought I had made enough headway with my effort. However, this resulted in me getting my heart broken by a source I perhaps expected it from the least as well as 'continued ammunition' for the 'other party'. Of course, I don't consider my family the 'other party' for this or for any other action.
One thing I noticed in the time preceding the relapse, is how willing I was to give my progress or lack thereof away for judgement to outside sources - sort of expecting them to make the final call. I've adopted a mindset in which I am easily hurt by external rejection - both professionally as well as in personal matters. I never placed myself in position 'Number 1' - something that, in retrospect, I perhaps should have done (or at least with increased intensity in places where it mattered the most). It was always someone else that came first. I didn't 'get stepped on', I let it happen.
Ruthlessness is something I've worked hard to surpress in myself. Finding excuses to be ruthless in the past was never an issue - it was me, me, me all the way. Until I realised, it really was 'me, me, me', since there was no one else around anymore. Which created a shift towards listening and taking others into account. Now, it seems, I am at a point where the two are difficult to make sense of - where do I stand fast? Where do I 'let it be'?

I'm not saying that :)

It took some time but my relationship with my family is pretty good now - best it's ever been - and my friends now are supportive are 24k gold. :)

If sobriety was about gaping holes where things we've lost used to be, no one would stay sober.

It's about healing and renewals...new beginnings :)

D

It's 5 a.m. Haven't been able to fall asleep. Finished some paperwork earlier in the night. I woyld need time away from my obligations but there is no way for that. My plans didnt include 'major relapse and related anxiety/other problems'.
I guess my (temporary) 'phone on silent' period is about to begin now. For some days at least. I'm dreading the upcoming week.