kk1k5x

Since I didn't get any sleep, I was listening to Joe & Charlie's big book study (disk 2). The part about the physical and mental disease. I liked how they put 'what' recovery (and I'm rephrasing) is - understanding that no emotion, good or bad, will be made better by taking a drink.
The vicious cycle they describe so vividly and with good examples. And it got me thinking about how it started for me as well - lots of what they said resonated with me (the beginning, first drink, what it did etc and how the use continued).
I realised that - with my obsessive thinking and control issues (from a fairly early age); coupled with a decent upbringing and a good sense of humour - put me in charge of a research team and I'll get the problem solved while keeping the team motivated and in check. However, break up with me, tell me that my friend has cancer or indicate anything else that I would 'want to control, but what is not mine to control' - and I'd go completely ape s*it.
I never learned to 'just be there' and, perhaphs more importantly, how to 'let go'.
Inject alcohol into that algorithm and what you get is: a person who becomes weaker and weaker while trying to control 'territory' that always requires a slightly stronger person, resulting in that every squarefoot surrendered required a drink. Because drinking made me feel 'in control' of something I was not, eventually it just made me not care that I wasn't in control anymore. For example, I do have a undergrad degree - took me four years to get it; ask me about what those four years gave me in addition to a diploma and the answer is nothing. That piece of paper was the full extent of the 'territory' I was able to hold down during that time. The rest was drinking.

First part of my plan is to look into control issues and becoming free from them (or at least recognise them as they happen).

Berrybean

Sorry you've had such a sleepless night.

You know, looking at those issues would be part of your private step work with a sponsor if you were to work a 12-step program of recovery (as in AA or one of the other 12-step recovery groups). It would also help you get a support network established so that you could more easily resist having unachievable expectations of your family members that are likely to cause you pain (as resentment and anger usually does, justified as well as unjustified).

The CoDa handbook (I got mine from Amazon for my Kindle) helped me to understand some of my behaviours and how my emotionally dysfunctional family upbringing might have had an impact on me. Not saying that this is necessarily the same issue for you, but it could be worth looking at the CoDa website and seeing if any of it rings true for you as it did for me. Patterns & Characteristics of Co-Dependency

I hope you manage to catch up on your sleep later. It might be wise to stay especially mindful of the HALT triggers today (Hunger-Anger-Lonely-Tired ) and remember that in your sleep deprived state things may seem much more hopeless than they really are. Speaking from personal experience, I know that if one HALT trigger is present or likely then I need to be especially mindful of avoiding any of the others or its like an open invitation to crazy for my alcoholic head.

I love the Joe and Charlie recordings as well. I also get a lot from the other speaker recordings that are available. My favourites are Sandy Beach, Charlie C and Earl Hightower. Clancy can be a little direct and (like Marmite) people seem to love him or hate him, but his recordings have definitely helped me to unravel some long term faulty thinking that was causing me pain. I download the recordings from this website... https://www.recoveryaudio.org/ and bought myself a cheap-as-chips little mp3 player and headphones to put the recordings on so I could listen privately when commuting or in lunch breaks or when I was laying in bed awake at 3 am (or whenever I needed to reset my head to sane I suppose).

Take care KK.

Chaplain30

https://youtu.be/c56Sj7kMbLk

kk1k5x

Kept reading on control issues. I really think I'm on to something with this.
All those 'this moment is so bad, that' and 'the feeling is so good, that' pathways that led me straight back to drinking.
Trying to control things I cannot and then being too tired to assert control when it would have been effective. Not to mention the damage to all interpersonal relationships.

Berrybean

Yes, that's pretty typical alcoholic behaviour. Hence the AA using the serenity prayer...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I find this version especially useful...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,
the courage to change the person I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Keep reading and exploring, but remember that it's willingness to take action and make changes to what we do that brings about change. That knowledge is only as useful as what we choose to do with it. This was something that I learnt to my cost, and earned me an extra 3 or 4 months of pain and misery, plus the embarrassment of being referred for counselling by my boss / head, and caused me to worry my partner sick when I became so depressed and hopeless that I just wanted to die so that I didn't have to be that person any more. Honestly, I do love sobriety now, but those months that I hang onto it without doing any work on my recovery it was pretty bleak!

Take care, BB

kk1k5x

Still not sleeping properly, but weirdly enough - I actually got some work finished today. I got to practice a lot of the 'just let go' during our group project today. Rather than it being about writing up some paper, I put myself to the test of whether I can actually survive the encounter without becoming nasty. Admittedly, there were multiple moments when I was struggling not to use the words 'complete idiot', but I refrained, closed my eyes and just 'let go'. Ultimately I knew that the end result won't be good and not because 'I'm great and all the others are stupid', but since we were essentially all out of our depth in this. Would have been like criticising people for 'not using bandaids properly' while the ship already broke in half. The goal was to just submit 'some work', as that's all what was needed for a pass.

kk1k5x

I was ready to leave home for the UK. I had my small suitcase packed, I had the taxi called (from another city, no less), I had the flight picked out and my friends notified at the other end.

At the final moment - I didn't/couldn't go, no matter the reason. Now I am sobbing, slowly but surely realising how really stuck I am.

asixstringnut

kkik5x.
Welcome to the site and thanks for sharing your pain.
Me. I have had so many day ones there is absolutely no way I could ever keep count.
Keep sharing and talking and reading what people have to say.
I am on day 2 today and I am hoping this is the time I can finally stay quit.
Don't ever quit trying to quit...

asixstringnut

kk1k5x

Thanks. I won't stop trying.
Alcohol, it seems, has only ever prolonged my mysery. Thus - if I'll be sad anyways, why drink and make it worse. Just have to get my brain to understand that