D122y

After an awesome support thread discussion w Berrybean, I decided to attend my nearby AA group.

The topic was honesty and something else. We all got to talk.

As usual, high time AA folks could not fathom I stay sober using online support.

I explained that I love AA, I just do my interaction 99% online. I want to see other addicts sometimes so that is me.

A 30 year clean gal could not believe me. I told her I hate and fear booze and that I was heavily kindled. She didn't know kindling. Suprises...

That is all.

Thanks.

August252015

Hey D-
I am not sure how to read your tone just on the message....did you feel like you were heard despite the disbelief, so to speak? Or that people were dismissive?

I know that as a hard core (maybe that's what you meant by "high time?") AA er I am one of the few in my home group who has ever been on let alone participated in a site like SR (and are there others like it? I never got into InTheRooms so I really don't know!)....I mention "us" sometimes in meetings because I get SUCH good info and support here, and this community is a big part of my recovery program.

I do hope you keep giving it a try - there are all kinds of people in AA just like there are on here...."take what you want and leave the rest," as some say in AA, seems to fit your experience.

Best to you.

D122y

August,

Not dismissed.

Disbelief...yep.

The folks really push 12 steps, sponser etc. I totally get it.

I love AA. I have a Big Book.

If I am going to relapse and SR doesn't seem to work, I will be at 7 meetings a day.

I don't think I could survive another relapse.

I feel I might go literally insane from all the anxiety etc. It took me nearly 2 years to get to this state of recovery.

Next time I may never get here again.

I am confident my brain is fully out of chances.

Thanks.

D122y

P.s.

I want to apologize to anyone I offend here.

Part of recovery is about making amends.

Here at SR I act like some kind of 2 year sober expert.

I see it in my posts.

I annoy myself and I am sure it annoys others.

I am very sorry for that.

There was a guy at the meeting today that had 44 years of sobriety and a gal with 30.

The 44 year guy seemed to laugh a lot. He seemed pretty happy.

He was 81 years old and didn't look a day over 70. He looked as strong as an ox.

That is all.

Thanks.

columbus

You're good.

(said the midget to the giant)

;-)

Dee74

Have you ever tried different meetings D?

D

D122y

Dee,

I actually thought about that and googled other locations earlier today.

I have been to 2 or 3 different time slots in the same office space but haven't had enough reason to check other locations out.

I feel like I am seeing AA differently, in a good way, than I have in the past.

The lessons/discussions/take aways of the day were humbling for sure.

There was a guy around my age and a younger gal that were 6 and 8 months clean.

It sure seemed like their anxiety was through the roof.

It is a good reminder to not relapse.

Thanks.

Berrybean

Morning. Glad you went along and had some good open chatting with some other recovering alcoholics.

Are there and Big Book meetings or 12 and 12 meetings locally? These kind of meetings can be really helpful as they are by nature much more recovery and program focussed and really helped me to understand how the 12-step program works. Ive been suprised at how different meetings, even with the same people present in the same room but working to a different format can have a very different feel and focus, so it's well worth trying different meetings. I'd also recommend reading the '12 Steps and 12 Traditions of AA' book if you haven't done so already, and the little 'Living Sober' book is an absolute treasure as well. I've put mine on my kindle along with my Big Book so I can read them anywhere. The speaker recordings were a great help to me for getting more understanding of the various steps as well. I bought myself a cheap little mp3 devise online and use it to put various speakers on so I can listen when I need to (often to or from work, or when going for a walk at lunchtime (when I get a break). http://www.recoveryaudio.org/

Here's to both of our recoveries and to all those recovering alcoholics on the journey with us *Clink of tea mugs*.

BB x

D122y

Bb,

That was a BB meeting I went to. But, everyone talks on sat.

I have a phamplet w a legend that breaks out the meeting scedules and format.

There are at least 5 office locations and a private residence listed on my side of town. Most only meet once a week. The place I go meeting every day several times.

It seems daunting, the whole AA process, but I am blessed for sure to have so many options, not to mention you giving me guidance.

The 30 year gal asked me yest...are you an alky? I said...yes I am. I am physically clean, but I still feel the pull sometimes. She chuckled.

This revisit to f2f AA meetings right now in my recovery may have kept something crazy from happening.

Thanks.

digdug

D122y - I've been following your posts for a while and it must suck to still be getting cravings at nearly 2 years. You've mentioned it multiple in other threads.

Going to meetings is great and I'm glad you've kept an open mind. But the real program of AA is the steps. If those cravings keep eating at you, I'd definitely suggest going through the steps with a sponsor. At least for me, my cravings went away after working the steps. It's been years since I felt any kind of pull.

Just something to think about. Congrats on your time.

August252015

D- I think you are brave, and btw "rigorously honest" to a great degree, I can only assume by your posts. You share struggles you have at what lots of us consider a good amount of sober time- I am at almost 15 1/2 mo and can't share most of your struggles, but I do some and I look for those similarities because that and you help me!

I'd just say- keep coming back

And I really like it when people say "I don't have another relapse in me." I know I don't.

D122y

A guy yest said online recovery is bad because folks can lie about their sober time. One can lie f2f as well.

He also said...keep coming back. I love it.

There were a bunch of tired red eyes in the room yest...me included. I didn't sleep the best and was fighting a weird cough thing.

To thine own self be true...

Thanks.

D122y

Well today i went to my 14th AA meeting.

I was late and they had just started going around the room to talk. I sat down at my usual area.

The topic was step 7, what is wrong w me.

Basically, i would be the second to last guy to talk. There was no time limit, some folks talked for a while, others talked for 10 seconds, a few passed.

I listened, nodded, empathized, agreed, laughed, played on my phne.

20 or so folks later...my turn to talk...of course i had something to say....a little something.

I literally took a breath to speak....the man running the meeting interupts my turn...this is the end of the meeting.....bla blah..

He rushes to finish like he is going to get in trouble if he runs over. He is so busy now.

There are me and 1 guy left to talk.

I smiled...embarrassed.

Guess there is next time. I could always hit up another meeting.

....or i could talk right here...

In turn....oh it is my turn to talk....thanks...

I am a mess....if there is a problem one could have w their personality i have it....i am especially annoying.

Going to that meeting today pissed me off a little. But, i am not going to drink over it.

Thanks.

tomsteve

ya know,D, there could be the possibility that working the steps would help with that personality that makes ya annoying,eh?

D122y

Tom,

I honestly don't buy the whole..... figuring everything out part of AA.

I told a guy that after the meeting. He asked if I had a sponsor and I told him I am not ready to commit that deeply to AA.

I told him I was contently sober at 2 years but I still attend meetings because I like to see folks like me in real life.

You never know a switch might flip and I will be rocking a BB.

Working the steps won't make someone all knowing. We are all still just upright apes with opposable thumbs. We have emotions that can take over our analysis. Hence the AV.

In my puny existence at AA, I have not yet seen a fight break out, but feathers have been ruffled. Mine were today. Sometimes folks swear too much and I see people cringe.

Working the steps didn't make that guy any less annoying to me.

Bottom line is I am not drinking over it.

Sorry if my posts are annoying sometimes, I need them right now.

Thanks.

Gottalife

Hi D,
The purpose of AA s 12 Steps is to bring about a change of personality sufficient to recover from alcoholism, a different reaction to life if you like, through a spiritual experience.

I suppose some people can change there own personality, but I couldn't. I had no idea what to change it to. The mixture of characteristics that make up a personality capable of living successfully and happily in this world was a complete unknown to me. But sometimes in AA, I could see it in others.

The meeting finished on time. I never used to worry about a meeting running over, whether I was due to share or not. I was in no rush to be anywhere. This was looking at it solely from my point of view, and was inconsiderate, one of the character defects I was supposedly trying to get rid of. It never occurred to me that the young woman over there had hired a baby sitter, and needed to get home, or that other chap had a bus to catch, or someone else might have a not so tolerant partner waiting outside, just looking for a reason to stamp on AA.

The swearing is another example of selfish and inconsiderate habits. The required change of personality hasn't happened for those folks, or they might see the selfishness of their behaviour. If you try and correct their behaviour, they might well defiantly tell you to jump in the lake, or words to that effect.

Then there's your happy old timer, doesn't look a day over seventy. I wonder if he swears a lot and indulges in other selfish or inconsiderate behaviour.

You get to see a lot of stuff f2f. Your observations can help you a great deal in determining the merits of working the program for others, but you will never know what it can accomplish for you, until you do the work. The steps and their benefits can only be understood in hindsight.

D122y

Hey Gota,

Something I thought about while shuffling on the treadmill...some of the folks that talked "as long as they needed (some significantly longer than others)" and left no time for us "last 2" probably got a bit of a guilt trip from the fact that we got left out of our chance.

So whether the gent running the show did it on purpose or not, he caused an emotion in everyone. That emotion was sudden. That is good thing for healing...imo.

I was pretty proud of how I handled it. I vented hear and got some feedback. Whether I agree or not, I appreciate the attention.

That is part of what my posting ends up being about. While I am married w a son here, I am alone w my thoughts mostly. That is when i used to get hammered.

That is the beauty of online support.

Thanks to all my AA folks for helping me move for now in an at least contently sober direction.

Thanks.

ThatWasTheOldMe

You haven't had a drink in over two years.
Not a soul can take that away from you.

Go when you want to go. And if someone gives you a hard time, remind them of the 3rd tradition.

Gottalife

D, I had a laugh about talking as long as they need. I was at a one and a half hour meeting once where one member spoke the whole time. Attempts to get him to share the time were met with defiance. I don't know what happened to him, he left the scene a while later.

Need to share is an interesting one. The kind of share that does one the most good is the kind that aims at helping others. I am long past sharing my luxury problems in a meeting when the guy over there has a much more serious one, whether he can survive this disease or not.

So if I speak at all, it will be for the benefit of someone else. Sometimes I just keep quiet and allow others that privilege. We can't all share all the time, and everyone is entitled to the benefit of helping others.

But multi tasking is not one of my talents. I can't speak and time myself at the same time. Having said that I think I usually manage to stay below five minutes. A good problem to have for someone who was once too frightened to speak for five seconds

tomsteve

welp, if that man that hogged the time wasnt a bleeding deacon- awesome!!
ive walked out a time or two on people rambling on and the chairperson is allowing it.

the gent running the show may have done it on purpose, or he may not have the courage yet to tell someone,"yo, times up."
or something to that effect.

D, heres a list of all of the promises of the program. it starts out with whats heard at meetings often, but then gets into the REST of them

AA 12 Step Promises Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous

no, working the steps doesnt make someone all knowing. they arent supposed to.thats not the purpose of the steps.

with the work of the steps, i still have emotions, but i dont have to allow them to take me over and control me.

oh, i USED to be one of them whackjobs who thought AA was the ONLY way and NOONE got sober without it.
then i ran into a man i had seen at meetings. about a year after he stopped going to meetings. he was sober and serene.
it was rather obvious he hadnt been drinking as he didnt turn and run when he saw me.