The blind trust in others which is needed to get sober...
Gratitude Gardener
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
The blind trust in others which is needed to get sober...
It occurred to me today that the last time I tried to get sober with others in sobriety, all of my trust issues came out front and center.
Part of what foiled my plan for sobriety was an age-old distrust not only in myself but in the new folks I was meeting who I didnt know from Eve.
I also have, because of my very difficult relationships with the other females in my family, a distrust of female relationships. The females in my family all deeply love me, and I love them just as deeply. But its not an easy love... Ive never even seen, up close, an easy female to female relationship modeled for me, and I havent experienced one myself.
It is the same with some of my deepest most valued friendships. They have never been EASY, but at the same time, together my best friend and I have seen the rewards of working through the horrible pain we have dealt with in our friendship. Judgement, being overly critical, getting triggered... And talking it through.
Not easy, but rewarding and much closer and stronger bonds because of ALL OF THAT.
These relationships have been what I would call: love riddled with pain and claws.
Grandmother with my mother. Mother with my sister. Two difficult relationships with two different stepmothers. Sister to me. Mother and me.
They are so much work. So much effort to get past all the coldness and judgment that goes on.
But sobriety seems to be something where blind trust and faith must be embraced, especially with those of our own sex, so that we can access support through some extremely vulnerable, embarrassing, and "shameful" issues we have.
We cannot do this alone.
But opening up like that is absolutely OFF THE TABLE. Not gonna happen. For those whose trust issues are especially raw and painful.
I wonder how many out there may have trust issues which prevents them from opening FULLY to the help they so desperately need? Because I certainly had that issue every other time I tried this.
Thoughts?
Part of what foiled my plan for sobriety was an age-old distrust not only in myself but in the new folks I was meeting who I didnt know from Eve.
I also have, because of my very difficult relationships with the other females in my family, a distrust of female relationships. The females in my family all deeply love me, and I love them just as deeply. But its not an easy love... Ive never even seen, up close, an easy female to female relationship modeled for me, and I havent experienced one myself.
It is the same with some of my deepest most valued friendships. They have never been EASY, but at the same time, together my best friend and I have seen the rewards of working through the horrible pain we have dealt with in our friendship. Judgement, being overly critical, getting triggered... And talking it through.
Not easy, but rewarding and much closer and stronger bonds because of ALL OF THAT.
These relationships have been what I would call: love riddled with pain and claws.
Grandmother with my mother. Mother with my sister. Two difficult relationships with two different stepmothers. Sister to me. Mother and me.
They are so much work. So much effort to get past all the coldness and judgment that goes on.
But sobriety seems to be something where blind trust and faith must be embraced, especially with those of our own sex, so that we can access support through some extremely vulnerable, embarrassing, and "shameful" issues we have.
We cannot do this alone.
But opening up like that is absolutely OFF THE TABLE. Not gonna happen. For those whose trust issues are especially raw and painful.
I wonder how many out there may have trust issues which prevents them from opening FULLY to the help they so desperately need? Because I certainly had that issue every other time I tried this.
Thoughts?
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
SR and it's anonymity has been helpful to me . Samaritans can be someone to tell things too which you might not want to share elsewhere .
I don't know if this is true , certainly it's difficult but it is possible ..
i was about 3 months sober when i came to SR and thought it would help to have the camaraderie with other alcoholics and sober people ..
i did it at home with just the internet and TV for company, going to work in the day, rushing home fast and jumping into bed by 6pm sometimes, so i'd put another barrier in the way between myself and going out to the shop .
Bestwishes, m
We cannot do this alone.
i was about 3 months sober when i came to SR and thought it would help to have the camaraderie with other alcoholics and sober people ..
i did it at home with just the internet and TV for company, going to work in the day, rushing home fast and jumping into bed by 6pm sometimes, so i'd put another barrier in the way between myself and going out to the shop .
Bestwishes, m
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
hi Herculana 
I was a private person before I got sober and I'm still a private person now.
My only experience is with SR, but the only trust I had to outlay was that people were telling me the truth when they said I could live sober and that things would get better.
You only need share what you want to share - as long as you learn to reach out for help if and when you need it, the staying sober part still works
D
I was a private person before I got sober and I'm still a private person now.
My only experience is with SR, but the only trust I had to outlay was that people were telling me the truth when they said I could live sober and that things would get better.
You only need share what you want to share - as long as you learn to reach out for help if and when you need it, the staying sober part still works
D
Last edited by Dee74; 05-23-2017 at 07:42 PM. Reason: clarity
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 119
I have trust issues and I am nervous about that part of AA. I like The SR forums too...a great place to share As much or as little as you want. But I have been reading in the Big Book about the isolation and loneliness that drinking brings..which I have experienced. So part of me really hopes for that promised safe fellowship of AA. We will see...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
'Professional friends' to me are - in my experience trust worthy with respect and privacy. It is a professional relationship, not a personal one. Clients personalise- and that is where it becomes an issue for that person.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Hi herculana,
I think the only person you really need to trust is yourself. Trust that you are committed to sobriety and to becoming a better person, and put enough effort into your recovery so that you can trust it will work.
Best wishes
P
I think the only person you really need to trust is yourself. Trust that you are committed to sobriety and to becoming a better person, and put enough effort into your recovery so that you can trust it will work.
Best wishes
P
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Have you done any step work yet? I get where you're coming from because I had the same issue but with men. I've tried many things throughout my life to assist me in releasing those feelings. To date there's only been one thing that's relieved them and provided freedom and it's the steps.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Dee74 
hi Herculana
I was a private person before I got sober and I'm still a private person now.
My only experience is with SR, but the only trust I had to outlay was that people were telling me the truth when they said I could live sober and that things would get better.
You only need share what you want to share - as long as you learn to reach out for help if and when you need it, the staying sober part still works
D
I was a private person before I got sober and I'm still a private person now.
My only experience is with SR, but the only trust I had to outlay was that people were telling me the truth when they said I could live sober and that things would get better.
You only need share what you want to share - as long as you learn to reach out for help if and when you need it, the staying sober part still works
D
Relationships are sometimes difficult no matter if/what our "trust issues" are. In AA we are told to focus on similarities not differences; we are also told that the program is a set of suggestions for living. To be successful in recovery, it's suggested that you follow the plan as it has been laid out for you. Many, including myself, have found success this way and are living good and sober recovered lives.
Whatever your path, especially at the beginning, not overthinking the motives, say, of others, and looking for what works to be sober, is critical.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Tertor
I have trust issues and I am nervous about that part of AA. I like The SR forums too...a great place to share As much or as little as you want. But I have been reading in the Big Book about the isolation and loneliness that drinking brings..which I have experienced. So part of me really hopes for that promised safe fellowship of AA. We will see...
trust is earned over time.
something to think about:
"I like The SR forums too...a great place to share As much or as little as you want."
sharing as much or as little as you want at an AA meeting where there may be 20-30 people is hard, yet sharing here where millions can read it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Trust issues. Its a biggie. They are there in recovery and not in recovery.
You can get sober by believing and trusting in yourself. It is possible. Every day I make the decision to not drink. I trust in this decision and I carry on with this decision. I could carry on drinking and no one would scold me or think differently of me. To abstain from alcohol and to recover from alcoholism is my choice entirely. I was becoming someone I did not recognize and it catapulted me into recovery again.
I dont talk about my recovery with anyone face to face. My H and I talk of other things. Over the last few months, I have mentioned my milestones and there has been some positive words that are encouraging but I dont look towards anyone for permission or approval. This choice is mine and this road is one that I trust.
SR has been valuable. I can post and it is anonymous. I came back here a few months ago to share my struggle but I had to make the decision to move forward into a different direction. SR works for me. AA is not a road that I personally choose to adventure down. I tried the program for quite a long time and it honestly is not for me. This doesnt mean anything bad. It just is what it is.
Just because people are in recovery does not mean that they are healthy or that they have anything to offer you that you cannot offer yourself. I do believe we are given the internal answers to take care of ourselves and to know what is good for us and what is not good for us. I cannot blindly open up to people and I would not expect anyone to open up to me. I am for the most part very picky of the ones I allow into my life, space and time.
It is good that you recognize the problems that exist in your family. You are one step closer to ending an unhealthy cycle. You can change these behaviors and learn to trust in yourself and others.
You can get sober by believing and trusting in yourself. It is possible. Every day I make the decision to not drink. I trust in this decision and I carry on with this decision. I could carry on drinking and no one would scold me or think differently of me. To abstain from alcohol and to recover from alcoholism is my choice entirely. I was becoming someone I did not recognize and it catapulted me into recovery again.
I dont talk about my recovery with anyone face to face. My H and I talk of other things. Over the last few months, I have mentioned my milestones and there has been some positive words that are encouraging but I dont look towards anyone for permission or approval. This choice is mine and this road is one that I trust.
SR has been valuable. I can post and it is anonymous. I came back here a few months ago to share my struggle but I had to make the decision to move forward into a different direction. SR works for me. AA is not a road that I personally choose to adventure down. I tried the program for quite a long time and it honestly is not for me. This doesnt mean anything bad. It just is what it is.
Just because people are in recovery does not mean that they are healthy or that they have anything to offer you that you cannot offer yourself. I do believe we are given the internal answers to take care of ourselves and to know what is good for us and what is not good for us. I cannot blindly open up to people and I would not expect anyone to open up to me. I am for the most part very picky of the ones I allow into my life, space and time.
It is good that you recognize the problems that exist in your family. You are one step closer to ending an unhealthy cycle. You can change these behaviors and learn to trust in yourself and others.
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