Beachchic

Hi everyone! I am new to the site, but glad it is here. I have been in and out of AA for 3 years. Felt like the one sponsor I had was the only one who could help keep me sober, but I relapsed so many times it is harder to go back each time. Husband has no interest in getting sober and says I am having a mid life crisis. I mostly binge drink in evenings and especially weekends can be all day. I had a doctor tell me to go to treatment but I am worried about being locked in a hospital for 30 days! Maybe I shouldn't be, but I also have several bar friends that work at the hospital so that makes it even more complex and it would be more costly to try a different facility. I want to do this on my own, but my mind always talks me out of being sober. I get bored sometimes and end up giving in, not a good reason. I feel like I am missing out on a better life.

Nonsensical

Hi and welcome!

There's a name for that. it's called addiction.

I have it, too.

You're in a good place to get better. Keep reading and posting.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

mecanix

I have found a sober life to be a better life .

Admitting we need help is difficult especially if friends are around .. for me once i admitted it to myself and then to others it took my shameful little alcoholic secret and it turned into my big open with everyone clean and sober great life non-secret
Don't let fear win over hope ,

m

Beachchic

Thanks I am a very social drinker so I am struggling with filling up that time mostly the weekends have been hard in the past. The first week is always the most difficult and of course we are in a wedding Saturday. I still want to try and be sober but my husband will think I am being a debbie downer and ruining the fun. I wish it didn't bother me.

tomsteve

welcom,beach.
"Felt like the one sponsor I had was the only one who could help keep me sober, but I relapsed so many times it is harder to go back each time. "

my sponsor couldnt keep me sober either.
however, what my sponsor did was help me find a power greater than myself- not another human and one not of this world- that could.
a sponsors responsibility isnt to keep sponsees from drinking. a sponsors responsaility is to guide a sponsee through the steps so THEY can find their own HP.

have you done any work on the steps in the past?

i cant say its hard going back after a drunk as i havent had to do that.
but myself and everyone else is very greatful and happy to see those that do go back out make it back.

Beachchic

I have gotten as far as the 5th step, but no spiritual awakening happened that they talk about. I know friends that have gotten sober and don't go to meetings or they don't go very often. I went every day and made it to 45 days at one point then went to the bar and decided I wasn't that bad. It seems some make a decision and stick to it no matter what and for others it is more difficult. If I can stay sober just for tonight that will be a start!

tomsteve

if you read the 12th step:
having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps.....
that refers to ALL of the steps
THESE steps- all 12 of them. the spiritual awakening you are wanting is something that occurs by working ALL of the steps and over T.I.M.E.=Things I Must Earn.

something from the big book- the 9thstep promises:

are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
thats AFTER the 9th step.
so back to the 5th step. whats the big book say there when we are done with the 5th?
Returning home we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour, carefully reviewing what we have done. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know Him better. Taking this book down from our shelf we turn to the page which contains the twelve steps. Carefully reading the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last. Is our work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? Have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation? Have we tried to make mortar without sand?
we can answer to our satisfaction, we then look at Step Six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can He now take them all - every one? If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.

When ready, we say something like this: "My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen." We have then completed Step Seven.

then right after that:

Now we need more action, without which we find that "Faith without works is dead."

something else from the big book:
Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power.
it reads,though, like a conscious decision was made to choose to drink, which sucks, but might not be bad. sometimes its necessary for someone to go out and try some more drinking to get full knowledge of the condition.

so, ya didnt have the spiritual awakening that wasnt going to occur after 5 of the 12 steps, but im sure if you honestly look,im sure you will find there was already good things occuring by that point- maybe even the promises of the first 5 steps occuring? ya did a 5th step, so id have to say promises of the first 5 steps happened for ya.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Beachchic - I know you'll find support here.
SR helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you do the same

D

Beachchic

I did have some great days no doubt about it and I was proud to be sober, but I was impulsive and just went out and drank for no good reason and sobriety has been harder to keep ever since for some reason, maybe because the disease is progressing. I don't want to give up though.. There is a better life out there for me.

Anna

I think there are some really hard issues to deal with in very early recovery. I stayed away from people and places where alcohol was involved for many months. It was the only thing that worked for me. There are a million fun things to do on weekends that don't involve alcohol. I love walking and hiking and do that whenever possible. What do you like to do?

tomsteve

darn tootin right theres a better life for ya!

im greatful for the program and the choices it has given me, the greatest choice being whether or not i pick up that next drink. i know today that the next drink is the only one i have a choice over, then after that the disease becomes active again and its a disease that tells me i dont have a disease- everythings allright. keep on drinking.
its nothing but a liar. it doesnt want anything more than for me to believe i cant get sober. it wants nothing more that to kill me- it wants me to have a long,slow, misrable death as it progresses.


so, onto solutions for ya.
howz about gettin back to meetings?
callin your sponsor?
praying?
reading the big book?

i think one of the most important parts in the big book is

If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

before i could decide i wanted what "we" had, i had to know what "we had, which i learned by reading the big book.
after i started learning that, i decided i wanted it and was willing to go to any lengths to get it.
i had no probelm with admitting the easier softer way didnt work- i tried the geographical relocation treatment, changing jobs, working more hours,changing friends, only drinking beer, limiting to a certain amount when i drank, ending relationships, starting relationships.....quite a few others. so i knew this wasnt going to be easy. simple? yup, but not easy.


something im thinkin about this:
".... but I was impulsive and just went out and drank for no good reason"

it very well could be because ya took your will and life back.
ya say ya drank for no good reason, yet said,"
I get bored sometimes and end up giving in'
and
"then went to the bar and decided I wasn't that bad."
there is no good reason, but there are excuses, which,imo, im reading self will run riot.

one thing i heard early on was that its wise to stop hanging around wet places and wet faces.
i used to shoot pool . loved it, but the pool leagues were at bars. once when i stopped drinking i didnt stop going to the bar to play pool. i didnt make it past the 1st night without drinking- didnt drink as much as i usually did shooting pool, but i was drinking as much within a week.
i stopped another time but still hung around the same people. i didnt go around any of them for about a week, but the 1st time i did, i said,"**** it" and was drunk.
and alcoholism progressed.

if i hang around the barbershop long enough, im eventually gonna get my hair cut.

CreativeThinker

BC- I hope your husband will become supportive through your recovery. Mid life crisis? I'd rather see it as finding a better way of life. Whatever we call it, sobriety is much better than living life out of a bottle...being hungover every morning...putting poison in our bodies to feel "normal"...not living life to the fullest...

Be strong! You can do this!

Beachchic

I do agree and love outdoor activities as well winter is tough though. I have become involved volunteering to help an organization (for a good cause) because they needed help. Problem is there is a lot of drinking around and definitely makes it difficult. I don't want to let them down but I need a fresh start. It's a 1 year commitment and they already had 2 people quit. I can stay away from the bar otherwise...

Beachchic

I made it today no drinking. It's a start thanks for the encouragement!

PhoenixJ

Welcome

Beachchic

Day 2 is off to a not to shabby start. It's nice to not feel like crap in the morning although I know I have a long way to go! I will work on recovery today when I am not busy with work and chores. Off to mow the lawn. Happy sober Wednesday!