ReallyAndTruly

I have been a heavy drinker for almost 15 years now. It has slowly progressed to where I am today at a bottle or more of Prosecco a day, every day, unless the hangover is too bad. Take today, for instance... I should be at work, but I binged drank a bottle of wine Sunday night and then continued on with beer because I wasn't done with the good times. I could barely get dressed Monday morning; made it to work; then left 2 hours later because I was useless. I called in this morning because I just needed a day to figure this all out. This isn't a one-time occurrence; this is my life. Every day is all about "how bad is the hangover going to be today." It's all about getting to the evening and getting my wine. The longest I have gone without a drink (with the exception of my entire pregnancy 12 years ago) was 60 days. I got obliterated on Halloween night 2013 and found this site the next day. I felt accepted and understood and knowing others exactly like me were struggling the same way gave me the desire to try to be part of the "sober team." It worked for 60 days until I felt like I was stable enough in my sobriety to not check in all the time and then New Years Eve happened. I thought "I know how to stop drinking now; a few celebratory drinks won't hurt." Well, almost 4 years later and I am a mess again. I am a binge drinker. I start about 7 at night and end about 10pm. Usually 4 to 6 glasses of wine in that time. I am a 48 year old female, 5'3" and about 118 lbs. I know that I can not process that much alcohol - a man three times my size shouldn't drink that much! It is just what it takes to get me to my special happy place every day. It is the voice in my head telling me "I deserve it" and "this is your special thing" and "don't waste your chance at fun." Yes, I hide bottles, pour water into empty ones so my husband doesn't know how much I really drank. I also dread recycle day and all the bottles being poured into the truck. I make excuses to go to the grocery store so I can stock up on emergency supplies. I refuse to go to restaurants that don't serve my Prosecco. Any time we plan a vacation or a small trip, it is always about where to go to drink. Total and absolute craziness and the worse thing is that I am fully aware of just how insane this is and yet I live to drink. I obsess about it. Everything in my life is built around it.

I am looking for the key to the jail I have locked myself in. I want out. I did it once before so I know I can do it again. I have to shut down that inner voice like I did last time. One day at a time. Looking ahead is too scary. Class of May 2017.

Anna

I agree that alcoholism becomes more and more isolating. I had cut myself off from activities and friends by the end of my drinking days. It's hard to break the chain, but you can do it. Having a plan in place for how you intend to stop drinking and recover is very helpful. It's a good idea to plan other activities for the times during the day when you would be drinking. And, if you are at all concerned about detoxing, talk to your dr because it can be dangerous.

rainyengland

Every day is all about "how bad is the hangover going to be today"

That was so me as well ..thankfully not for a few weeks now though

Been sober rocks - you can do this !

CreativeThinker

Welcome back R&T! If you were able to stay sober 60 days before, you can get sober again. Every time I relapsed I thought the same thing after some abstinence..."I'm not that bad...I can moderate now...quitting wasn't that hard...I can do it again", never worked! Years went by for me before I decided to face my fears again. Now we know, right? ...just don't pick up that first drink!

ReallyAndTruly

I think what I have learned from that stint with sobriety that there is no such thing as a few drinks and then done. It is like eating one potato chip...why bother! One drink for me only means it is on until I pass out. There is no stopping point any more and definitely no right-level of buzz. It is like a race to the finish anymore.

tealily

I can truly relate to your story! Thank you for sharing . I am new here too. White wine is/was my poison too, a bottle a night, more if we had it. I'm a woman about your age.. holding it together on the outside, getting what needs done, done (but barely), wasting hours of my days recovering from drinking, thinking about drinking, going to the store to facilitate drinking, cringing when the recycling truck comes at the embarrassing evidence of drinking... I realize how needlessly smaller my life has become, and how little I accomplish other than buying wine, drinking wine, hiding wine, recovering from wine, feeling sick and guilty from drinking wine, over and over and over. What a waste is is.

Something that has helped me -- is to recognize and for the first time truly hear the LIES in those statements you tell yourself: That you "deserve" the drink or that it's a "reward". You actually deserve much better than pouring poison through your system. You deserve health, strength, energy, presence of mind, joy. It's not a "treat", it's the opposite! Think of those phrases as a kind of "brain trick".. in the way that people with OCD think they "have" to do something irrational to keep themselves safe but which actually harms them. Next time you hear yourself saying it, don't be fooled by it!

I'm still so new that I"m not much help.. but I wanted to say I understand and am pulling for you. Make today the turning point.

ReallyAndTruly

Thank you so much. It is just like OCD. You know it is irrational behavior but you are driven to do it. The last time I had any success with sobriety it was mostly getting my mind right. The physical part was easy. It is that voice trying to make you feel like your drinking is not as bad as it seems. Well one thing I know is that I never missed work because I ate too much ice cream or drank too much water. Alcohol is taking my life away. It is time to put it away and out of my life.

dwtbd

I learned to identify that 'little voice' as my AV , by recognizing IT , separating from IT and dismissing IT I was able to finally break the cycle and embrace my healthier inner teetotaler. There are great threads on AVRT (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique) here on SR in the Secular Connections forum.
Wish you both well and hope to see you around

Dee74

welcome back reallyandtruly

all these things are lies. I had to learn to think past the lies and remember the reality - sounds like you're doing that too now?.

The thing is to remember the reality when we feel good again - posting here regularly - daily or multiple times a day if you need it - helped me remember.

And don't worry - there's nothing about not drinking that makes me feel deprived - I'm happier, healthier, and more content - I have a full social life and I have way more fun that I ever had drinking.

glad you made it back

D

D122y

Really,

Everything you said was exactly what I felt. Not being sarcastic.

The truth....imo...is 2 fold.

Physical and mental addiction.

It seems that around age 50 or so...things change in our bodies. I am sure it there is some change in our bodies and minds. It doesn't really matter.

It becomes the analytical mind over the emotional mind.

Basically, we know better..the analytical mind. The emotional mind urges us, promises us, lies to us, cries to us, begs us, rationalizes us...etc etc.

It is literally insanity knocking at our door. Folks lose their minds. Some need anti psychotic meds for the rest of their life. Those meds are better than the alternative is some cases.

I still obsess, but not like before. I was obsessing today. The anxiety was so heavy it felt like I had pulled a muscle in my forward rib cage. It is gone now.

That is how this thing works.

If you can't stop on your own, using all the med free techniques available, you need to see a Dr.

Some folks, even after seeing a Dr. , still relapse over and over.

This booze thing is a killer. It is nothing, absolutely nothing, to be toyed with.

For folks like us, booze is literally the Grim Reaper, knocking directly on our front door.

Stay clean.

Thanks.