Mizzuno

I took a break from running the last two months. I needed to get my bearings and focus on my home, getting my emotions level and allowing my mental state to adjust to a different version of myself.

Today, as I set out on my run, I thought to myself "You finally made it! You stopped drinking. You stopped hurting yourself. You did it, Mizzuno! Now you can run in peace."

The past year my runs had been laden with grief and regret. A serious overload of emotions and self harm. I justified drinking in so many ways. I thought that if I ran those 5 miles, it was excusable to drink a bottle of wine. If I had worked out daily, it meant that I could drink however much and whenever. I dont know why I thought this? I cant explain the alcoholic mind, but I have it and I am dealing with it and changing my thoughts by actions.

Im an extremist. I have expressed this extremism throughout my life in various ways. Nothing has ever been good enough. Running 10 miles was not good enough because it was not 13. I have always found the holes in my existence or effort. I have always had a negative thought after an accomplishment.

Today, I breathed in and out and saw my strength for what it was. I felt my muscles working and remembering. I felt strong. I am strong. I will not let this strength go to the wayside, as I am not meant to live a life of drunken regret. I also will look at these accomplishments as sucess and not tell myself it was not good enough. Good enough for who? For what? I am tired of being my worst enemy.

I guess I am just saying ...... There is an immense amount of freedom when you stop doing what is not meant for you and you start doing those things that are meant for you.

I like this feeling. Its a sign of recovering. Its also a sign that I need to stay close to SR and to guard my sobriety. To keep doing what works.

What works for you all? Is there something you love to do that makes you feel empowered? Something that makes you feel alive and happy?
Please share.

CreativeThinker

I too workout regularly...it's one of my recovery tools. Like you Miz, I used to run and justify my drinking because I deserved it. I used to do a lot of activities while I was drinking: skiing, racquet ball, weights...all while hungover. I used to think that the workout got all the toxins out of my system so I was ok. HA! Everything is so much more enjoyable now.

2ndhandrose

Writing is what works for me and what stopped working for me while I was drinking.

Now, when I sit with a blank page in front of me, I am filled with an eagerness and anticipation to put on paper, all of my thoughts and epiphanies.

When I was still drinking, a blank page just filled me with longing and frustration. No words.

Me and my blank page are like 2 peas in a pod ♥

Ina123

I'm with Rose,
Writing is also what works for me. When drinking I used to romanticize the idea of writing with wine – I'd even play jazz in the background to feel extra classy....but to be honest it was anything but. I'd write incoherent thoughts that made no sense, and that's if I even wrote at all. A lot of the time I'd just drink and daydream about the wonderful things I was going to write.
Now that I'm sober, I'm finding my voice again, writing on schedule, and it's the most liberating feeling in the world! Similar to you, I feel strong. Confident.
I'm glad you're back and finding your stride!!!

kenton

Great post Mizzuno,

I once ran the London marathon and then got so drunk I wandered away from all my friends and ended up asleep on a train, miles from home, covered in my own vomit. My vomit-covered marathon medal pretty much summed me up. I could do really great things and then I'd get drunk and act like a total jerk, often on the same day.

Now that I don't have to worry about the getting drunk part, I got much more time and energy to focus on the great stuff. Like you, it took me a few months to get back into running but I'm loving it again now. All the running magazines say your running can really improve once you give up booze so I'm getting really excited now I see my fitness and strength returning. Running works for me and in addition to that I'm excited about trying new hobbies and learning new skills. Everything is starting to feel possible

halfalife

Powerful post, Mizzuno. Some of your prior thought patterns whilst drinking are parallel to mine. It brought me to tears today..I needed to read about hope being found on the other side of this. Fitness may be the only thing that has kept me alive so far.

Proud that you are able to achieve that for yourself mentally and spiritually. Thank you for sharing that and inspiring me today.

Dee74

Thanks for sharing that Miz

D

MrPL

Great post Mizzuno.

My rock is writing and recording music. It carried through my early days and helped me stay sober, now it has the same effect as heavy meditation, when I m done I feel completely light and free of any worries.

Close to 10 months now, honesty can't see it ending!

P

August252015

Good post.

What do I do? Everything. My life is recovery.

I can now do whatever I choose and enjoy, not enjoy, never do again, take on as habit....anything I want.

I willingly do a daily recovery program of 1-2 hours of work (6 items on my list including reading the same BB pages, SR time, 2 devotional readings, HALT, and a Bible study plan), 4-6 meetings a week and now leading an industry recovery group for restaurant folks. I also workout- just taken up yoga finally!- and run a 5K every month with my beloved. I work, I laugh, I often nap, and I have found my passion for writing refueled. And I cook- for us, and for at least one of my meals every day, with enough to supplement one for the next.

I spend time (only) with people who are positive and trying to live their best lives, whether they are alcoholics or not.

What do I do? Everything. And it's real, and it's good.