Stewy84

I'm not doing very well

I feel exhausted with all the back and forth going on in my own head. Deciding to stop, caving and drinking, deciding to stop again, drinking again.

I feel like I'm at this dangerous place when the addiction has me and I go into automatic mode just inputting booze into my routine every night and then struggling to get up the following morning.

What can I do? I read some RR stuff, it sounds good for me because of some similarities with CBT which I've also done in the past

Something is not clicking, I'm caving in to cravings and it's just running rampant

I'm really tired of all of this nonsense, drinking all the time is distorting my life, but without it there is emptiness which I don't fill.

I'm on surveillance at my mum and dads, back in my old room, everything scrutinised. I don't feel any progression over last 5 years

AnvilheadII

ah stewy.....have you ever heard the term "busier than a one-armed wall paper hanger" ?? that is pretty much an IMPOSSIBLE job for a single one-armed man TO DO. how are you going to hold the wall paper UP and then reach out and grab the tools? you can't. the wall paper will keep falling down and never get affixed to the wall.........

UNLESS the one-armed man ASKS FOR HELP. he's going to need more manpower and more tools than he himself possesses.

you're that guy, stew. to do what you HOPE to do, you are going to need help. trained professional help. you can't will yourself out of this, or think yourself out of it. right now you can't even get out of your own way.

before you slide further and further down the slope and risk your job and risk your relationship with your daughter, your parents, NOW is the time to get some qualified help. no more excuses. it's all on the line now buddy.

Wholesome

That is your AV that you are hearing. Recognize IT and disassociate from IT as not being the real you. Stop engaging in the debate, just tell that voice NO. Do whatever you have to do to distract yourself until the urge has faded. You can do this! Make a BP.

tomsteve

maybe its time for rehab

SoberLeigh

Stewy, I truly feel that you need to bite the bullet and go to rehab.

The path you are traveling is a very unhealthy and potentially life-changing one. You seem unable to get off that path on your own,

You need professional assistance, Stewy.

CreativeThinker

Hey Bud...Hmm, you certainly are in a rough spot. I'm really sorry you are struggling.

Everyone here has given you plenty of suggestions here...but everything you've tried doesn't seem to stick. Don't you think it's time to try another approach?

I know you don't want to go to rehab and you have all sorts of reasons not to. What it all boils down to is how badly you want to change your life. You know how it feels to be free from alcohol, rehab would provide you with a foundation.

Think of your daughter Stewy and the relationship you will have with her as she grows up. My father was an alcoholic and I'm still dealing with horrific memories from a very young age. Is that what you want for her?

A new life is right there in front of you my friend...grab it!

Stewy84

I don't want to go to rehab

August252015

Do you want to get and stay sober? Truly? Because until you do, and that is more important than what you don't want, you've seen what happens. And it will get worse, if any of us give you clues as to where it can go.

SoberLeigh

I know.

But I have to ask:

Do you want to stay healthy?

Do you want to be there for your daughter as she grows up?

Do you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your daughter?

Do you want to remain employed?

Do you want to maintain the freedom to drive?

These are things you put at great, great risk by continuing to drink.

Things do not get better as you drink; the goodness in your life begins to deteriorate and then slip away from you entirely.

CreativeThinker

There's a lot of things in life we "don't want to do" Stewy. What's the responsible thing to do? What is the alternative? Do you want to change your life and make a great life for your daughter? It's your choice to make!

least

Well, do you want to drink yourself to death? You're not having success getting sober on your own, it might be time to do something different to help you get started on a sober life.

AnvilheadII

I don't want to go to rehab

why the hell not? 30 days away from the chaos of the outside world, in a place that is focused purely on HELPING you get sober and STAY sober? with the whole purpose of you achieving health and a renewed sense of self?

you TALK about how miserable you are, how you keep doing the SAME thing over and over and over again. you're own groundhog's day. you TALK about wanting to get out of the rut, how this relapse is taking you down.

but when it comes to you actually TAKING ACTION, you balk.

WHY? what on earth do you have to lose at this point?????

thomas11

Stewy, none of us can make you do a thing. You sound like an intelligent person, my only hope is that you don't look back and have a ton of regret about delaying this. I don't have children, you do. My father was an alcoholic and there were some pretty miserable years along the way. Get whatever it is out of your system and address this problem head on. Its the only way.

tomsteve

amy winehouse didnt want to either.

Hevyn

You can't continue this way, Stewy. We're afraid for you.

Stewy84

I'm not going to rehab.

I'll find a way to get this sorted. I'm not stupid, I quit for 2.5 years so I'm capable of stopping and being consistent

Due to continued pressure to admit myself to impatient rehab I think it's best for me to perhaps come off the forum and seek alternative support.

I'm aware I have a problem which is why I continue to post whether I'm drinking or not.

In situations like this and the line of work I am in unfortunately there is still a large stigma attached to people having problems with alcohol.

In an ideal world everyone would support you and back you and want you to make a full recovery- I don't live in an ideal world in that respect

I'll find a way, somehow I will.

I'll get back in touch when I've sorted things out

Dee74

No good getting terse Stewy. Everyone here is trying to help - we;re not the enemy.

Bottom line - don't want to go to rehab?
Stop drinking.

If you can't keep yourself sober? you're going to have to call in support and, very probably, do things you don't want to do.
what if you don't sort things out - what then?

If you keep drinking it will impact upon your work. Stigma or not, it will be revealed - unless you take action now.

Running away from SR is exactly the opposite of action.

You've questioned the quality of this sober period before - your own observation not mine,

Add the progressive nature of alcoholism into the mix and it's clear to me, if not to you, that you're going to have to do something different this time Stewy

I'd take the energy you spend on declaring you're not going to rehab and look instead at what you are prepared to do.

D

2muchpain

Stewy
IMHO, I don't think it's fair to say the only advice you've been given is in-patient rehab. That just shows how concerned people are about you. Other suggestions were therapy, CBT, exercising, AA.. and out-patient group therapy. I hope I'm wrong, but it doesn't seem like you are interested in these ideas either. Yes, you managed 2.5 years and that's fantastic but it sounds like whatever you did in the past just isn't working this time. Hope you find a path that works for you. Good Luck. John

wildflower70

HI Stewy,

I get that you don't want to go to rehab, and sometimes when the addiction has taken over our best intentions, we don't want to hear that type of advice. I think that if you don't go to rehab, you need to find a plan that will work. Can your folks help you get through the first few weeks? One time I was so bad off, I told my Mom the truth, that I NEEDED to stop. I stayed with her for a month to help me get my head screwed on straight.

Anyone you talk to, SR or any reliable, supportive site, will advise you to get help...now.

2muchpain

One last thing. Nobody here has ever called you stupid or treated you that way. In fact, people have mentioned several times how intelligent you sound. We are not the enemy Stewy. John