New...again...and the slippery suboxone slope
 

Hey everyone, just dropping a line to say hello! I've been around the block for years, even maintained 4 years 11 months of continous sobriety at one point, but fell off when I was diagnosed with MS back in January 2013. Now I've had my foot back in the door since September 2016, but it's been a struggle. I posted in another area that I am on suboxone, which I started when I went into detox in September, and it has completely monopolized what I am trying to do here.

I am an opiate addict and alcoholic. When I finally got treatment (4th detox and subsequent residential rehab in the past 10 years), I was coming off of a 3.5 year nasty dilaudid and vodka addiction. When I entered detox (which I don't recall), I had a BAC of .41 and was on a 10x/day M8 (hydromorphone) insufflation habit.

I was desperate and ready, and spent a total of 60 days in residential treatment at Betty Ford. However this is also when I was introduced to Suboxone. I posted another thread in the suboxone/methadone maintence forum, however I understand there isn't a lot of traffic there so I figured I'd introduce myself here. I haven't taken an opiate (except the suboxone) or drank in almost 9 months, however the Sub is ruining me. I am on 20mg/day maintenance, but I started running out early the first month I was out of rehab! It has been a nightmare, and I have even gone as far as to supplement the subs with Kratom after I run out, to stave off the WD's. (Refer to my Sub/Kratom post for that story)

Anyhow I am feeling rather hopeless - I have never been on maintenance drugs until this time around, and I feel it was a huge mistake - I just cannot control myself with the stuff!

Tomorrow morning I go in for my monthly checkup/refill and the plan is this: my wife is coming with me, I am going to tell the doctor exactly what I have been doing, and ask that we start the taper process. My wife is going to safegaurd my films going forward and give them to me daily.

I am so nervous about all of this, I want off the subs but I am Also a friggin addict and DON'T want off the subs, ya know?? I have a great sponsor, we are in the book, and my meetings are regular - so I know I have support there - it's more about do I have it in ME to make this work and get off of this ****?!

I don't want to use. I want my life back. I want recovery. I feel like I was set up to fail with the suboxone, and like I've been cheated out of 9 months of Clean time. I also know that that is my ego talking.

Anyhow, one day at a time, doing the next right thing, hoping I can get off of this rollercoaster and taper down to a jump-off point sooner rather than later - but I also know that medically I have to be patient.

Ugh anyhow thanks for reading; if anyone has had this experience with sobriety and maintenance I would love to hear from you. Until then, be well all!

-Stosh

Hi and welcome Stosh :)

I know nothing about suboxone but having your wife come along to speak with your doctor sounds like a good way of getting your concerns heard ?

good luck with it and keep us updated :)

D

Omg...
Forgive my reaction, but that was my immediate response. You've been through freaking he!!. Please hang out here with us.