Awake61

Sadly, 7 days ago I self sabotaged my sobriety and yet again hurt the ones I love. My long suffering daughter invited me to her home for a visit. My husband had to drive me, because I still have not got my license back. As we traveled toward her home, the urge for a bottle took over my senses. I lied to my husband, saying I had to use the bathroom at a supermarket. I felt almost in a dreamlike state. I bought a bottle of cheap vodka, hid it in my coat and we traveled on to her home. He didn't stay very long because he is her stepfather and there is bad blood between them. But I stayed and as soon as I could took a giant swig out of my bottle. Of course within a few hours she knew I was drinking. In the morning she ordered me into her car and drove me home asking me why I drink in her home with her young boys present.. I had no answer. Upon arrival back home, I hid in my closet and sobbed. I have not drank since and have started a journal. After a long talk with my sister, we figured out that my drinking is almost entirely around self sabotage - because inside me still lives the little girl who hated herself and thinks she doesn't deserve anyone's respect or love. Hard stuff. So now I am rejoining a women's group I used to attend for PTSD and hope I can move forward. My husband is beyond angry with me. Hit me in the head with the empty vodka bottle, says I have ruined his life. Just gonna keep looking straight ahead and not pick up. Feel really done with it finally. Thank you for listening to this long post. It felt so good to get it out and thank goodness for the kindness of my sister.

Steely

Your husband is not allowed to hit you in the head with ANYTHING Awake. It's called assault, but so good that you have decided to stop drinking alcohol.

I have PTSD too and self sabotage is one of my greatest hurdles. Feelings of undeservedness I think. But by not drinking alcohol I can reclaim myself as someone deserving and worthwhile. You can too. Let's do it!

Keep posting.

SimplyFree

I'm sorry. I hope you can strengthen your plan for support. Be here, post often, use the sobriety tools that can be learned here. Be with sober others. You can do this! Your family will be very proud of you......and grateful!

Hevyn

I'm so sorry for the pain your drinking has brought you. We drink for comfort & relief from our worries - but it ends up destroying us. You sound ready to get free of it. We know you can do it, Awake. Please keep posting - we want to help.

Dee74

I don't want to derail the thread but

I just wanted to quote this again - for truth.
Whatever the provocation, being hit in the head with a vodka bottle is downright wrong.

One of the worst things about alcoholism is it can make us feel we deserve this treatment - we do not - not from ourselves, or from others either.

One of the best things about recovery for me was (re) finding a healthy perception about myself, and my self worth.

We all deserve good things - it's important to realise that.
Drinking works against that so much.

I'm really glad you've decided to be sober.

D

Awake61

I so appreciate your responses. It was wrong of my husband to hit me with the bottle. He will not do it again. If he abuses me again, I will make a phone call and be out of here. He is just so filled with frustration, after watching me fall over and over again. Each time getting worse.
I did contact a close sober friend and we are planning some fun activities together. Just feeling really down today because of the sadness of my daughter. I will just let her contact me (if at all) when she is ready. Thank you for being here. The only way is to stay on the path and this site helps so very much.

Nonsensical

Keep an open mind to other possibilities. I self-assessed my self as a self-sabotageur, but it turned out to be inaccurate. I didn't want to drink to ruin everything. I wanted to be able to drink without it ruining everything. That's why I hid it and lied about it. I didn't want to get caught. I wasn't trying to ruin things, I was just addicted to it and didn't want to give it up.

Welcome to the Fight of Your Life.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

Awake61

Thank you - true words.

PhoenixJ

I lost my family because of my self-s drinking. I did not consciously set out to destroy myself, career, family, home, life- but it happened because I drank. Now very much sober- I face the mire of life- my life with a clenched jaw and very, very grim determination. I am alone. You are not. M y adult sons do not talk to me. My (soon 2 b) ex only contacts me- usually indirectly about money. She hit me out of rage- leaving lots of bruised. I accepted is because I am a worthless piece of human refuse. I have burns, c-PTSD, major- chronic depression, flashbacks often- awake of pain, death, dying, abandonment, fire and a dark pitted room with no sound. I am not- or ever was suicidal IT is crap.
Drinking made it all hell. I have to face my fears, loneliness and pain head on with the same rage my ex had to me. Every waking moment is an effort- a calculated and purposeful act to prove my self worth and right to existence.
YOU are not alone. Get help. Go to meetings. If they are not for you, or you gfeel bad- go anyway. No one wants to be a useless pile of humanity. BUT only by our own actions- second by minute by hour,day,week,month can we improve. With support- purposeful and proactive. Me- I have a psychologist (CVBT), a counsellor (addiction), doctor (physical health), I monitor my burns with that unit and a specialised pain clinic. I journal, paint (probably badly but I do not give a crap) as a visual record of how I feel. I WRITE- PROBABLY AGAIN CRAP- BECAUSE THE ACT OF WRITING is clarifies my thoughts and is healing. I go to meetings- because it is free - a human connection and nothing eels worked. From specialised psychiatrists who taught self hypnosis to tree hugging psychologists. Yoga, martial arts, weights, tai chi, acupuncture. church..blah. None worked as effectively as AA.
You are awake, and aware. You have support- here. Stop drinking for yourself- your family will disappear if you do not. You are smart..as your words show. Face the world and grow. No one deserves hell
Empathy and support to you.