NewLife310

I've been on and off this site for what seems like almost a decade now. But I've never been honest with anyone here, in my life, or myself. I'm now in my early 50s. I binge drink all the time, I self medicate, and I mostly drink alone. I'm vain and I'm hate myself for continuing to lose my looks and my health. I can't seem to get to the bottom of my drinking. I'm an extreme control freak so I keep convincing myself I can control it. But I ALWAYS drink more than I intend and I was even going to completely shut down and drink all day today. I do this often.

I consciously decide to lose a day or two to drinking at least 2/3 times a month. How deep can this pain be that I can't even acknowledge or recognize it? How much can a person hate themselves to MAKE this choice to continue. Where has all my self respect gone? I have one close friend who doesn't have the tools to help me and I've taken advantage of his love and loyalty for years because he constantly feeds my ego and bails me out financially. I currently owe him over $23,000. He paid my rent the last two months on top of all the rest that's accumulated over the past several years.

I feel like a fraud on social media because I have a large following of people that think I'm a brilliant artist. They donate to my crowdfunding campaigns and want me to continue making art and making them feel like a part of it. Yet I haven't paid taxes in decades and only recently got on a payment plan with the IRS just in the nick of time before they served me with a lien. I have no savings. I thought brushing and flossing was enough but I recently notice my gums receding and was terrified. The dentist confirmed it was due to lack of properly dental care. I have not had insurance of any kind for decades and now I'm paying the price. I may have a lump in my breast, yet still haven't had it looked at.

How can a person hate themselves so much to choose this? I'm putting this all out there for this first time in my life because if I don't start being completely honest, I'm going to die. The drinking has gotten worse. I'm 20 pounds overweight and I keep throwing my back out because I don't work out anymore and have lost my core strength.

I don't date anymore because I don't see why any man would find me attractive. And I used to be beautiful, fun, sexy, full of life, love and hope. I've slept with some of Hollywood's most beautiful men. But that's all they ever wanted from me and it got old. So I just stopped having sex at all. I feel like that part of my life might be completely over. I've forgotten how to love. I have little empathy for others because I stay so stressed and worried about not even being able to provide for myself on the most basic levels.

I'm not going to edit this post, which I would normally do a hundred times to make sure I come across the way I want (manipulation) so this time I'm spewing it, unfiltered, raw and honest. For the first time in my life. I want to look back on this thread five years from now and not be THIS person anymore.

I live with a tremendous amount of guilt. I hated my mother and father. I lashed out after they both died at young ages. Especially my mom who died of cancer at 47. I didn't think I would live that long myself. But here I am. I got into stripping in my early 30s thinking it would help me raise money to be a filmmaker. But all it did was drag me into a lifestyle I didn't want. That, of course, led to escorting and then once I got tired of that, sensual massage, which I was actually still doing up until about three years ago when I was forced out of it because I got arrested. About 7 years ago I filed bankruptcy and I got my THIRD DUI.

But as horrible as all of that was, I still drink. I've quit once for six months and several times for a month or two, but I always convinced myself I don't have a problem and I start again.

I want to be a successful filmmaker. I want to be financially solvent and pay back the long string of men who have loaned me money over past several decades, because I used my sensuality to convince them to help me. I no longer have the ability to do that. Because men no longer find me sexy. I've depended on my looks and my sex my whole adult life which, thanks to decades of excess drinking, I no longer have. And I wasn't prepared for it. No savings, no assets and tons of debt.

But I know there is a good person inside me. I am a talented filmmaker, I understand the business, I teach and consult and people love and listen to what I say. I could really be somebody and I could really help and make a difference in this world. I've made some beautiful and impactful films that have won major awards and changed lives.

But I feel like that person is locked up, hidden deep inside this hideous person that's on the outside, holding me prisoner and not letting me out.

I'm not even going to re-read this because I'll be tempted to edit it and probably remove the embarrassing things I've just admitted for the first time in my entire life. I want to stop the self loathing and love myself again. How do I do that? I hope this is a safe place as I could never admit these things in a live group in front of people. Especially not here in Hollywood which is where I work. I hope I can find my salvation here in this group.

But how in the hell am I going to turn this all around? Since I've tried so many times unsuccessfully to quit, what will be different this time? Am I destined to failure? Why is this so fricking hard? Is it too late for me? After everything I've done how can I find enough self love to become that good person that I know is on the inside?....

And please, not to seem rude, but rather than 'welcome to the group' or 'hang in there' I need real, pure honest help and advice. I really CAN'T go on like this anymore. I really want to just go bury my head in a couple of bottles of champagne. I just want to cry. And drink. Please help me just get through this day.

MrPL

Hi NewLife,

I think you just took a major step in writing all this, especially for the first time.

Rebuilding a life will inevitably take time, but it is perfectly possible, and it absolutely has to start with drinking ending.

For me it was a case of reaching the same conclusion as you, that it couldn't go on any longer, and that gave me the motivation to break the cycle, but people here have used AA and all sort s of other support choices, so there s bound to be something that will work for you.

One step at a time you ll get there, quitting alcohol is the second (writing this post was the first).

You ll def find good advice here.

All the best.
P

Pondlady

I personally would stop trying to figure out why you drink and focus on stopping.......addiction isn't rational.

HTown

You must stop drinking. That is step one. It must be your only focus, your entire will must be directed to no longer drinking. I cannot tell you how or what method to use, but you must want sobriety more than any other thing.

doggonecarl

Desperate times call for desperate measures. If you have tried and tried to quit and have failed, time to stop repeating what doesn't work. Everyone in the rooms of AA have been right where you are now, including the fear of walking into them.

But they have something you want. To be sober. Time to be honest with yourself. Your way of recovery isn't working.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back newlife - lots of good advice here already. I also struggled mightily to figure out WHY I was the way I was. The only thing that saved me was acceptance of the fact that i AM an addict and that I always will be.

Dire circumstances require extraordinary actions. You mentioned yourself that you will probably die because of your drinking if you don't stop - so if you want to stop, nothing can be off the table. I searched for years for a recovery plan that fit my wants and needs - but in the end I was really looking for a way to FIX my problem so I could go back to drinking normally. Ain't gonna happen.

So how do you do it? The first step is to UNCONDITIONALLY accept that drinking is the problem and commit to quitting no matter what. That means you'll have to do some things you don't want to do, and you will feel uncomfortable at times. There is no easy way of going about it...withdrawals suck and the early days are not fun. But the long term reward is worth it many times over.

Fly N Buy

"We have drunk to drown feelings of fear, frustration, and depression. We have drunk to escape the guilt of passions, and have drunk again to make more passions possible. We have drunk for vainglory - that we might the more enjoy foolish dreams of pomp and power. This perverse soul sickness is not pleasant to look upon."

Here's what I did;
Went to meetings
Got a home group
Asked someone to be my sponsor
Work the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had to reach out for help and support.

Here's a guy's story you might find of interest given your circle

ThatWasTheOldMe

My god, Fly n Buy, that guy is hilarious!

Fly N Buy

We are not a glum lot - even those in the fellowship who've won academy awards.

teatreeoil007

Hi NewLife. I'll skip the welcome, because you already know you're welcome here. Thanks for your honesty. It's refreshing.

So, it sounds like you are famous, or semi-famous and have rubbed elbows with famous people. You've had a "following", etc. But, you've reached a point where you can't take this much more.

Never be ashamed of what you have accomplished. But, I think it's sad (and we see this a lot in our society), "success" seems to be built on and depends to a degree on "image" or "Images". And quite frankly, many of us are good at keeping up with images/appearances and there are many things that "work" until they no longer DO work.

What was "working" in the past is no longer working, in other words...and I'm sure you don't need any of us to point that out.

So, what to do? Time for a change; a major overhaul and that is not easy! It's very difficult to give something up you have depended on for so many years!! Very tough.

What helped me in the very early days: Simple math. I got to the point that things were no longer adding up right in my life. The "deficits" kept growing, which led to more of a sense of loss. I had thought I had the 'math' worked out in my head for SO LONG...("well, if I do this then I will get that"). Guess, what? It no longer added up. I am not a mathematical genius. But simple math? That I can do. I'm not that stupid. So why then was I doing stupid things that just didn't add up or make sense?

It was time to wise up and start problem solving. And I could do that a WHOLE lot better with clear, unadulterated thinking. This is a heart soul thing; but it is a "thinking" problem as much as a drinking problem.

Now: You KNOW you are a very good person inside. That is what you need to cling to right now. I know looks and appearances have always been important to you, but for right now, you need to put all that on hold and focus in your innards. That is what is going to save you.

teatreeoil007

Someone famous who is a recovery inspiration to me is Stevie Nicks. Major star; major success. She said she was also a major princess at one time. But, the life she got into with fame, money, and coke was one she could no longer keep up or she knew she was going to die.

She quit the coke, but then was put on a benzo to help with the anxiety of going off coke. Then she got hooked on the benzo. Then she had to get professional help to kick the benzo and the initial detox/recovery aged her at first and she said her hair turned gray practically overnight. But, she's been clean now for a long time and is doing very well. I'm sure it was not easy for her to come to grips with this being as famous as she was. But, I think most of her fans and followers have nothing but respect for her.

We ALL cling to images; but perhaps no one does so more than people whose line of work is one of a performer like that who rose to such heights of stardom and was half coked out while doing that. I think it's awesome when people like Stevie Nicks come out with their story....it can benefit so many people.

2ndhandrose

NewLife310, please consider getting your breast lump checked out.

Dee74

When I quit drinking all I wanted to do was not die. When it became clear I wasn't going to die, I stuck with quitting anyway - I'd been down the return to drinking road many many time and I knew there was nothing back there for me...I figured trying the other way and stay sober was worth a shot.

The first 30 days were hard - but so was my drinking life. I also found a lot of support here which helped immensely. I posted here not just regularly but daily, not only posting about myself but posting to others as well/ It was a way of making recovery a consistent focus for me.

Even tho I'd been trying to stop for 15 years and failed, I somehow sdared to believe that this time could have a different outcome....people assured me it could..I trusted them, and sure enough, I stayed sober

I also began to change...I'd been drinking for so long it'd almost become part f my DNA...but there was another person within me...someone I'd even forgotten existed - the real me, the me not drunk or drugged.

That person re-emerged and I found, rather surprisingly, that I liked that person.

I began to build a sober life around me that I loved...and slowly but surely peace and happiness began to replace pain fear and chaos.

It wasn't overnight - it requires a little faith and patience...but I'm still here sober and ecstatic about it 10 years on.

If you want change and you're committed to doing whatever it takes to make change happen, you'll find it
D

NewLife310

Thank you so much, Dee! I think the problem is, like most alcoholics, I don't WANT to stop. I really don't. I want to control it. I want to be normal. I don't want to be flawed. Which is how this makes me feel. No, I don't want to stop. But I know I have to. So how does that work exactly? Can you stop, even if you don't really want to? Can just knowing you NEED to be enough?

And what if I stop and nothing changes? What if I find out that a lot of my problems are really because I'm an uncaring, undisciplined person? What then? :-(

teatreeoil007

You may not want to stop, hon, but you HAVE to stop. You said yourself that if you don't stop you'll die. Maybe your have-to will become a want- to. But, you've got a choice here and it's critical. You have to stop. And, you can. You can change. Don't be getting into the disease of fatalism which has you believing you are stuck. Don't buy it, darlin'.

Dee74

There's a million what ifs.
I had them too.

Everyone wants guarantees that things are going to be ok, or at least not worse.

There's upwards of 100 thousand people here to reassure you that there is life after drinking and it's great

Things will change - but not one of us would still be here sober if we thought we lost out on the deal.

I've gained so much from my sober time - I'm happy, I'm at peace, I'm living the hell out of each day - I could never say any of that as a drinker.

I don't feel flawed and I don't feel deprived. I feel lucky - honestly.

The only way to get there is to put down the bottle and keep it down.

It's a leap of faith sure - but what have you got to lose?

You don't strike me as an inherently bad person. You strike me as another normal human being looking for freedom.

I don't think you need be afraid of what you'll find about sober you

I figured I could give this sober thing 3 months - when that was up I knew I wanted more of the same. I reckon you might feel the same

D

NewLife310

I went six months once about seven years ago. i do wonder where I'd be now if I had stayed sober then. :-(

August252015

This. It is cunning and BAFFLING, as you describe.

You wanted real comments so : you need to quit. Today. Don't drink, just today. Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Worry about all the things you mention (social media, your art, IRS etc) - LATER. Repeat this plan tomorrow.

Go to an AA meetings. Join the Class of May thread here.

Decide - choose- to be sober. Decide you have had enough, and you want a new life. Then, we can be supportive and you can develop a network of people to support you because we have chosen recovery too.

You can do it.