herculana

The past few times I made a similar effort to get sober (through AA, those times) I couldnt fathom letting go of the people around me who were using. Our lives were so deeply intertwined, I didnt even know how, and I didnt want to. I, like so many others, I imagine, wondered if it was necessary.

I am now seeing all of that differently. I have an ex who lives in another country. We have been almost like family for over ten years, still deeply good friends to one another. He will come to stay with me periodically through the years since we broke up. Once a year, maybe, sometimes once every two years.
But my ex is an alcoholic.
I have been uneasy about him coming to stay with me this year as we planned. Even while we were planning it (we dont have a date yet, but we talked about it months ago) I felt a sick feeling inside. Still drinking, but knowing I wanted desperately to stop, I just felt sort of gross about having him and the horrible drinking that would come with him in my space again.
So I realized yesterday that I WANT TO STOP DRINKING MORE THAN I WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN. Thats HUGE. Huge realization.
And this time, I have no inner argument going on within about it. Its clearly what I want.

Next up, my housemate. Thats a tough one. I need the rent he pays me, and my place is in no condition for me to get a new housemate right now. I am in no condition for that huge change, its too far a jump for me emotionally, physically and mentally. I need more sober time, and some of Gods miracles to help me, to even consider such a stressful change.
BUT...My housemate drinks to excess-and-stumbling every single day of the week... pretty much.
I didnt know he was an alcoholic when he first moved in. Apparently when he first moved in he was going to AA and trying to dry out, but he didnt tell me any of that till later. He was just sober every night... for a month, maybe two. After that raging monster came out... He began to drink and it was gradually worse and worse. Having him here sober in that first month was great for me. I didnt drink as much either. On the rare nights he was going to be gone, I had my nights of cleaning the house and getting drunk, but I was a secret drinker, and I never did it around him for fear of what he might think of me.
Anyway, its definitely a problem now that I am trying to get sober. I told him yesterday that I joined this group, and I am very serious about this. He is still in denial about his problem so he changed the subject really fast.
But I am going to need to be prepared to be very strong, and to put into place some boundaries that werent here before. Such as his really loud rowdy drunk friends coming here at 2AM. Its happened several times and its gotten way out of my comfort zone. Especially because this is actually a one bedroom. He has the bedroom, I have the living room. I have no door to close against the drunken parties ... and even when he doesnt have friends over, I have no door to close when HE is drunk and wants to talk my ear off, slurring his words the whole time. Which sometimes happened NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, and I was trying not to drink (on my own, without support) and it was impossible. I would end up drinking to stop the waves of frustration and anger I was feeling about this issue. There was no good way to escape him, except alcohol. So I HAVE to find a way to do it this time. Its usually late at night, and I can only walk my dog out in the cold SF air for so long, plus, its not been safe in SF at night these past few years. Lots of robberies and muggings. I am simply going to have to put up some type of partition, use my ear phones, and also plan to bOT be in the common area (kitchen) in the evenings.

Thanks for listening. Just thought I would go ahead and say whats on my mind, as I think any kind of connecting here is probably wise. Only on Day 2 right now, and the danger zone will begin today at 4PM. Staying close.

Anna

It sounds like you are recognizing some of the hard decisions that come with early recovery. Your living conditions sound very difficult to manage, but hopefully it will be temporary and you can find someone else to share your space or find a place on your own.

Good job on Day 2!

herculana

Yeah, I live in some ways a pretty unusual life... which suited me okay for a long time, but which will need changing as I move forward, slowly, in recovery.
I am a very young 43 (in my mind, lol) and a very poor (really, living in poverty by USA standards) ... a freelance writer. Sort of a hippie bohemian type of person and lifestyle. I am incredibly fortunate to have my apartment in SF in a beautiful part of town. But I only get a small amount of money from the work I do as a caregiver for my mother, and once in a while, selling my writing... Really, its pennies. So I had to get a housemate to rent the bedroom or else I wouldnt be able to live here. I would be homeless without this apartment. I have ridiculously low rent,,, Unheard of low rent in this part of the country. I am the one on the lease, so when I am ready to get a new situation firmly in place, it is my housemate who will have to leave.
Interestingly my housemate is exactly my age, 43, and he moved in because he broke up with the mother of his child (on account of his drinking, I later learned). His child and the mother live only a couple blocks away, so he is desperate to stay here... But his drinking is really WAY out of bounds now. He came home recently bloodied from a fight... and I was afraid he had a concussion so I had to be with him (resentfully, I might add) because I didnt know if it was going to be a medical emergency and he was a scary mess...I couldnt just leave him to fall asleep in his bed, even though a part of me really wanted to. The guys face was bloody and purple.
The drinking here in San Francisco is well known to be one of the worst... highest rates of alcoholism in the country, or one of them.
Even though I am a bohemian type anyway, I never lived like this in my life before. I used to be a total yogi and deeply into meditation, etc. I never had this level of unhealth and drama around me before.

Dee74

Welcome Herculana

I'm glad you're comitting to recovery

With that commitment to change tho comes hard choices...but you'll find no end of support here to help you through making those decisions and carrying them out

D

Zebra1275

Do you do socialize and do activities with your drinking friends, where no drinking is involved?

If the answer is no, then they are not really friends, they are bar mates.

If that is the case, then making the decision to cut those people out of your life might be easier.

zerothehero

For what it's worth, I let folks know I had quit drinking - little by little. Some folks basically disappeared. The ones who didn't were actual friends. It is what it is. In retrospect, the heavy party folks who blew me off have no appeal at this point. I don't want to go out and drink, and they don't want to be sober (yet). It's all good. No hard feelings. We're just walking different paths.

herculana

I told my housemate just an hour ago that things will be changing a lot for me, and that this will likely mean some major adjustments for him as well. I told him that I cant have his friends over anymore at all if they are are drinking, and that I would like him to start going into his room and shutting the door to do his drinking if he must drink. So far, he's really receptive to this. He was nice about it, even though I could tell he didnt want to talk about it (because thats shining a big flood light on his drinking). We shall see how it goes. He did try to tell me that I dont have a drinking problem...LOL... He said he thinks I am overreacting. He's dead wrong about that. Thank God I know it now.

Wholesome

I've found setting out new boundaries with friends to be one of the hardest parts of this journey. I've had to let people know that I've quit for good so I'm not coming out, stop inviting me out to bars because I won't go and everyone had better get used to it. If the people in my life want to hang out and do sober things then I'm totally game but if all they want to do is hang out and drink then they can count me out. Good for you for laying down your boundaries! It can be an uncomfortable thing to do. I hope your roommate gets the message and maybe your commitment will inspire him to make some changes of his own.

D122y

Herc,

Wanting to quit is half the battle.

Suffering through the initial detox and then the long long mental stabilization process is next phase.

Staying quit and content is the life long journey.

For me, the education is what will keep me sober in the face of temptation. I don't shy away from drinking situations. I am not interested in drinking situations anymore.

For example. My family was in town this weekend. They drove a long way to be here least I could do was visit w them.

I got to their hotel around noon. They were already drinking. They were very happy to see me, but I could tell they were already tipsy. We had a nice chat, I had a large diet coke. They had beers and shots of wisky.

I obviously had no plans to drink or gamble, so I went home. They proceeded to get wasted and gamble.

I have no interest in doing that anymore. Back in the day, I would have led the drunk charge. I would have pre drunk as well.

Now, I am educated and sober as a saint. Clean as a whistle.

Booze will never go down my throat for the purpose if intentional intoxicat ion again.

Thanks. .

FreeOwl

I still care about and keep loosely in touch with some of my friends who drink.

I don't spend much time around them, though.

For a while that troubled me.

Then I began to see it wasn't them I missed so much as the drinking. Nearly all of the memories involved alcohol. The ties were liquid. What was there, beneath the booze? Did we really even know one another outside of an alcohol haze? Not much.

I spend less time with other people nowadays and that's OK. I spend time with my wife and my kids and a few friends here and there. I go to bed early and I rise early and I have time to read and write and do the things I enjoy.

My life isn't any less for the loss of time spent with drinking friends.

In fact, it's much more.

Solarion

Hi, Herculana

I hope the situation improves with your roommate. Considering how much and how often he drinks, and that you depend on his rent money to stay where you are, it might be a good idea to have a Plan B in mind regarding a roommate just in case he loses his job.