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Relapsed after 95 days sober

Old 05-21-2017, 06:14 AM
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Relapsed after 95 days sober

Really down with the world and myself. As I was explaining this morning to my partner how I feel sad cause I know my life is great not drinking. I have my best friend back, own stuff, great relationship yet can't shake wanting to feel a buzz of anything. Low and behold I had a sip of what may or may not be alcoholic ginger beer. I knew it had alcohol as I could taste it and it made my head warm and heavy. I only had 1.5 and jumped in my car which has an alcohol interlock thinking I was fine but blew .037 mid range which recorded a violation and cost me $100. I then got really depressed with blowing my progress and the fact I can't drink at all cause it doesn't metabolise or work for me which led to the thoughts of how things will never be fun which led to me asking my partner to hide the Valium and going home skilling straight scotch and lighting a smoke which I quit. Thankfully after my cry I stopped and went to my partners parents for dinner & was nearly unable to start the interlock as he was drinking. Why do I go on a path of destruction and how do I get over the feeling of the void
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Old 05-21-2017, 06:47 AM
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95 days is great! Don't beat yourself up. I believe that there is always something to learn from missteps.
You know youcan be sober, which is amazing! So many never get there.
Please, please, please work on the idea that you are missing out on fun because you are not drinking. That is your addictive voice talking, and it couldn't be more wrong.
Go for a walk, get some exercise, practic self-care. Don't go too long without food.
Things will feel better in a while.
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Old 05-21-2017, 02:51 PM
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95 days! That's awesome! I'm in the 30s. Get back to work and don't let it be anything but a moment. Not a full blown binge. Get back to your commitment and continue on strong! You got this!
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Old 05-21-2017, 04:19 PM
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I';m sorry you drank Kahlia.

At 95 days I was just starting to get things together and moving on to the next stage - how to be happy sober and healing the void.

I found service work was a large part of that for me - that may be helpful for you too, it may not - others use groups like AA or SMART, some seek counselling, some meditate...but it's really important I think, after you have the not drinking part down, to start building a sober life you love.

You AV may scream in your ear and tell you that nothing will ever fill that void - but it lies...

if you stop trying to fill with stuff. and instead work on healing it, I think you'll see different results

D

Last edited by Dee74; 05-21-2017 at 05:01 PM.
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Old 05-21-2017, 04:54 PM
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Originally Posted by kahlia01 View Post
Why do I go on a path of destruction and how do I get over the feeling of the void
I've been where you are. I once was 11 months sober and I relapsed. It took learning that I had to make big changes in my life to fill the void of alcohol. Before, I just took alcohol out of the equation and white knuckled it all the way. Didn't work!

You were able to stay sober 95 days, you can go longer...think of where you went wrong and what you can change this time.
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Old 05-21-2017, 06:02 PM
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Thank you for your support. I have been white knuckling it. Does anyone know what I need to do so I'm not doing this as this journey is so hard
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Old 05-21-2017, 06:10 PM
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Here's a link from the Stickys...Pst...there's SO much info in the Stickys!!!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
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Old 05-21-2017, 07:08 PM
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Originally Posted by kahlia01 View Post
Thank you for your support. I have been white knuckling it. Does anyone know what I need to do so I'm not doing this as this journey is so hard
I think the first lesson here is vigilance. I have a bit of time up, but I am just as vulnerable as you to accidentally ingesting alcohol. I had a close call just last year and was saved only because I friend knew it wasn't safe for me to take alcohol. The reason it is not safe is because once alcohol gets into my system, I cannot guarantee what will happen next, and neither can you by the sound of it.

Doing it hard seems to be one of those paradoxes around sobriety. You will know from your other thread how we AAs looked for an easier softer more "comfortable" way, but it seemed it was not possible. The more we pursued comfort, the more uncomfortable we became.

Conversely, when we stepped out of our comfort zone, which none of us found easy, and got to some meetings, did some face to face recovery work, life changed and we began to feel more comfortable with the direction our lives were taking.

White knuckling is a tough place to be, and for me anyway, unsustainable. My way out involved sitting down with someone else who had found a way out and was willing to show me how they did it.
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Old 05-23-2017, 02:22 PM
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I Believe in you. I know you can do this as you are an amazing person. Love and hugs xx
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Old 05-23-2017, 02:49 PM
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The trouble with white knuckling is it takes a lot of effort and effort can make you weary...and it's when we're weary that we can make iffy decisions.

Having a plan can really help - it should make things easier too.

Have you had a look at a recovery plan Kahlia?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
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Old 05-23-2017, 04:55 PM
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Thanks guys

Me and my partner are fighting about the past of me drinking all cause I tried explaining that I feel upset and income when he drinks. When I left rehab he said he wouldn't drink at home and has now started again I feel helpless he slept on the lounge
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Old 05-23-2017, 05:36 PM
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It's hard living with a drinker but that makes it all the more important to have strong sober support and a good plan, I think?

D
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Old 05-23-2017, 05:48 PM
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I'm sorry you're struggling. You can do this, even if your partner is drinking. This is about you and you can make the changes you want and need for your life. It' s always good to post and read here and be inspired. As Dee said, it's very important to have a plan to help you get through the days and weeks.
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Old 05-23-2017, 05:54 PM
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Grab onto sobriety again and ask yourself honestly what you resisted last time... how can you deepen sobriety this time....

You can do this
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Old 05-23-2017, 05:57 PM
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It's a super hard situation when your partner still drinks. Even harder if they're drinking in front of you. If he promised to not drink around you after you left rehab, I would "kindly" remind him of that and explain how difficult it is for you right now and you need his support.

My husband and I quit drinking together, then he caved. He continues to try to abstain...sometimes hiding it behind my back... I think that my husband thought that I might go back to drinking with him after he caved (like I have so many times before). Once he realized how serious I am this time, he's been making more of an effort himself to stop drinking. If he IS still drinking, he's hiding it and he wouldn't drink in front of me.
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Old 05-23-2017, 06:12 PM
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I wish my partner would do that it would save the greif
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Old 05-23-2017, 06:50 PM
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Another option is to go into another room when he's drinking. Would that work?

Sorry you're dealing with this on top of getting sober again.
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Old 05-23-2017, 06:58 PM
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I have now explained it again and he's sober so he can hopefully let it sink in and if it doesn't I'll take him to therapy with me. I explained that he's stressed over $ so he drinks and smokes as a vice and it affects his health. I have no vice no escape so to try and imagine how stressed I am
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Old 05-23-2017, 07:21 PM
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hi kahlia,
might be that finding and practicing other ways to 'escape' are something that would be really helpful to you.
coping tools in time of stress, things such as taking a walk, or a bath, or knitting, or drumming or singing or stretching or phoning or....most of us had to lern new ways to doa whole bunch of stuff,as drinking had been the former go- to for most everything.
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Old 05-23-2017, 07:33 PM
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Originally Posted by kahlia01 View Post
I have now explained it again and he's sober so he can hopefully let it sink in and if it doesn't I'll take him to therapy with me. I explained that he's stressed over $ so he drinks and smokes as a vice and it affects his health. I have no vice no escape so to try and imagine how stressed I am
I was going to suggest couples therapy. My husband and I are currently seeing a therapist and it's helping.

As Fini mentioned, you definitely need a vice! Daily exercise is one of the tools I use. It relaxes me, gets me out of my head and I'm finally losing weight again. Any hobby or activity that makes you feel good inside will make a big difference.
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