Socrates

My partner of 20 years quit has alcohol addiction nearly 3 years ago now. He would be dead now if he hadnt radically changed, he is now so healthy it is fantastic. The first year I just did everything I could to help him stay sober, it was harder than the addiction I was used to, but there was huge hope instead of the slow hopelessness of watching him gradually kill himself. We are trying to move forward. But now I cant find peace in our relationship because he wont hear and acknowledge the impact his alcholism had on my life. I cant just move forward without some acknowledgement and reconciliation. He says that I have mental health issues and that is the problem. I havent found many posts from people who have partnered someone through long term addiction and then recovery, I am interested if others whose partner recovered ever got to a point where they became aware of the impact of their addiction on your life? I feel he projects all the problems we used to have as being on me. He really has no idea what he was like and wont hear it, when I try to talk to him about what I experienced when he was drunk he says they are 'fantasies'. I dont know how we can have a sincere relationship in the future when he doesnt understand what I have been through (from him). Any thoughts?

August252015

That's great that he is sober and that you are invested in the relationship (still, and through the whole experience). My main question, perhaps instead of an answer, is whether he is working a program? Your description sounds much like what is sometimes called a "dry drunk" or less succinctly/possibly critically, someone who doesn't drink but really hasn't changed their thoughts, lifestyle, emotional habits, etc. That would make it tough for me to maintain a "new" and truly recovered (not just abstaining) life with someone.

Socrates

Well, he practices regular Yoga, but no he hasn't joined any kind of recovery program. He has mostly been throwing himself into his work. I am going to look up 'dry drunk' . Thanks for the reply.

D122y

Socrates,

I am not sure i understand your question.

My wife is sort of the opposite. She doesn't want to talk about my addiction.

She dealt with it well.

Now that I am clean, it is almost like I was never a drunk sort of.

She gets funny looks on her face sometimes when booze is around.

It seems like she is saying...don't even think about it.

She might be reading my mind because I do think about it when booze is around.

But, i play the tape and later revel happily in my sobriety.

So in your case, you hubby is content not reliving the past...moving on.

I read that you helped him dramatically to get clean. I am sure he has thanked you.

What do you want to do? Periodically, talk about his addiction and how you helped him?

Thanks.

HTown

It sounds to me like you want him to acknowledge he hurt you with his drinking. You want him to take responsibility for his actions. I do not think you are going to get that from him based on what you have said. Perhaps he is not capable of giving you that closure. Can you go forward without it? If it is not possible in his personality to be introspective, if he cannot give you that, would you stay with him anyway?

cardoon

Hi,

Try posting on the friends and family section of the site. You may get more responses. I was the drunk. My partner may have been too. I was drinking too much to be sure. I agree with D122y. I don't need to live in the past. If my partner wants to tell me how they were affected by my drunkenness I would willingly listen. In fact they have. I don't know that I'd have any good answers though. I didn't. I have written an amends/ apology letter to them. Part of why I quit was my gut feel that our relationship issues weren't just about my drinking. That's apparent now. I have followed no formal program and I am not a dry drunk. You don't need a formal program to be in healthy recovery. If I were you I'd just talk to your partner and tell them what you want to say in a non judgmental way. If you want an apology ask for it. Calm communication is what I long for and if there are issues they need to be expressed. From my experience the dynamics definitely change in the relationship and both parties need to adjust. I'm still trying to figure out if we are going to make it. Good Luck!

PhoenixJ

Sobriety does not equate to emotional growth for me. It means getting support - I do AA (human connection, stories) and professional friends (counsellor, doc). I see myself as the below-
What do you get when a drunk with issues (like mental health for me) stops drinking?
A sober person with issues.
have you looked into al-anon?
support to you.

Mizzuno

People process situations differently. He may not want to talk of all that happened while he was actively drinking. He may just want to move forward and show what he is doing now. Personally, I dont want to rehash the active drunk that I was. I dont necessarily know who that lady is. I want to move forward and to engage with a clear head.

It sounds like there is some emotional component to this and he may not be giving you what you need? Is he able to give you what you need emotionally in regards to this situation?

bunnezjp

Maybe he really doesn't know what he was like. I knew I was pretty aweful to my family, but my real wake up call came after I'd been a year Sober when a close friend (also an alcoholic) called me up drunk and basically ripped me a new ****hole. Said the most aweful things about me and my family. Next dayhe didn't remember anything. If he'd said that stuff to my face he'd be in a gutter. That's when I realized how I was to people I cared about. For years. I was completely overcome with grief.
I'm not excusing your husband, just thinking that since he never saw him from your perspective that he doesn't understand the harm he did to you. I read alot of addiction memoirs from patients and their families, and watched plenty of docs on alcholism. I understand the pov of the people I affected when I drank.

You do not have a mental issue, nor do the people in my life who put up with me. Actually I'm surprised that after all I put them through they still don't have mental issues

God be with you.

~Bunnez

Forward12

Often (if not most of the time) alcoholics don't realize the hell they put those close to them through. He may not realize it, perhaps needs a solid recovery program like AA, or it could just be who he is.
I think reading up on codependency and attending alanon would be a great thing to do. In these situations, you need to put the focus on yourself and your own recovery, and not be completely reliant on him for it as it's highly unlikely to happen.