Day 3
 

I feel worthless, but not as physically dead as the last two days.

Good. Little by little it gets better. Keep going.

I have been here before, today is a day 3 for me too.

I want it to be my last.

I'm with you guys. I have 2 years now under my belt and once in awhile I still get off kilter. You have 100% of so much knowledge, experience and support here that all you have to do is use it. S.R. helped me in so many ways and i'm very greatfull for this place and the love and support everyone provides.
Peace
TC

That,

Lately I have been looking back through folks posts that relapsed.

From what I see w you is everything was going great and then on 10 May you stopped posting until today...3 days clean.

So you had over a month clean?

Curious about your thought process and the events of yout relapse.

Also about the kindling process.

I relapsed back in 2014 after about 30 days clean. I was feeling....what I thought was...... normal. We went to Cancun and I drank a bunch of Tequila.

My anxiety was fine, but I felt light headed...floaty...for the remainder of the vacation. I drank pretty much the whole time.

My last and final quit...the floaty feeling lasted for months and months.

The..floaty...feeling...is pretty much gone now...but I figure if I relapsed...it would be back.....this time it might take 2 or 3 years to go away...if ever.

What do you think?

Thanks.

I'm glad you're back TWTOM - have you thought about where you went wrong and what you might do differently this time?

D

So glad to hear from you. I guarantee you're not worthless. The stress & anxiety will ease up. You'll be free.

I went wrong by letting the shame and embarrassment of previous drunken behavior get to me. I took advantage of that and used it as an excuse to drink.

What can I do?
The shame and embarrassment doesn't go away. I can't just apologize to people for bat**** crazy drunken messages from me.

An apology is just selfish. They don't care if I'm sober forever. In their eyes, I'm bound to drink and do it again. Are they wrong?

God I'm a ******* moron.

"I'm a worthless piece of garbage, might as well drink."

Sounds like the alcohol took away your self esteem and made you think you are worthless. Do you really think that drinking more of that poison is going to help?

That's a pretty familiar cycle to me.

I had to accept that going back the way I came meant no change, or only change for the worse.

I had to trust in the people here who said that eventually not drinking and working on my recovery, would lead me into a place of happiness and peace.

I'm promising the same to you now twtom.

It;s not easy, particularly in the early days - but drinking like we did is not easy either.

I couldn't hope to make amends for the wrong i'd done - apology is too shallow a concept for that - but I did commit to making my life a kind of living amends.

I try to live right, I try to help others, I try to be the best me I can.
Everyday.

The more I do that, the more I focus on today not yesterday.

I realised ten years back I could be who I wanted to be... Or I could drink..But not both.

Don't let shame stop you from finding happiness and peace or from reaching your full potential :)

D

Do you care? That's what's important.

Don't waste your time worrying about what others think. I did that too...then realized it got me nowhere.