Unknown anger at spouse for drinking
Maladaptive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: East coast, USA
Posts: 558
Unknown anger at spouse for drinking
My spouse has been having a really hard time at work with a new boss. So- I -suggested we go out last night and she can have wine to relax. She had 2 glasses with dinner. I had a non-alcoholic beer. I saw people enjoying their drinks and I think I got jealous. I know you'll say jealous of the hangover, headaches, etc.
On the way home and later last night, I kept harping about her being drunk, which she wasn't. I think I was sulking too. She asked me why I was mad. I told her I wasn't but I think I was.
Although I follow self-recovery in AVRT, I think I am forgetting the bad parts of drinking and romantisizing the parts I or the Beast liked (buzz) which I will never have again.
Onwards into the weekend. We're going to a dance at a church tonight.
On the way home and later last night, I kept harping about her being drunk, which she wasn't. I think I was sulking too. She asked me why I was mad. I told her I wasn't but I think I was.
Although I follow self-recovery in AVRT, I think I am forgetting the bad parts of drinking and romantisizing the parts I or the Beast liked (buzz) which I will never have again.
Onwards into the weekend. We're going to a dance at a church tonight.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I've felt that before, too.
As crazy as it feels to 'miss' drinking... there is a part of our brain dealing with loss in sobriety.
Loss of the familiar.
Loss of a 'friend'.
Loss of our sense of being 'normal'... like others.
It's OK to acknowledge that loss.
And it's also OK to remember you don't have to drink over it.
That feeling fades with time.
As crazy as it feels to 'miss' drinking... there is a part of our brain dealing with loss in sobriety.
Loss of the familiar.
Loss of a 'friend'.
Loss of our sense of being 'normal'... like others.
It's OK to acknowledge that loss.
And it's also OK to remember you don't have to drink over it.
That feeling fades with time.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 38
I feel jealous of other people drinking too, it happened last weekend when I went out for dinner with my friends and as I was looking around the restaurant I felt jealous and almost a bit angry that 'everyone else could get that buzz of alcohol but me' I think it will be a battle in certain situations in the early days.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
This used to happen to me a lot.
Nowadays, I mostly feel fortunate I don't have to be shackled to a 'buzz'.
If I do feel a twinge of jealousy, I'm able to see it for what it is, and shift to gratitude for my freedom.
Hang in there and do the work.
It will get better.
Nowadays, I mostly feel fortunate I don't have to be shackled to a 'buzz'.
If I do feel a twinge of jealousy, I'm able to see it for what it is, and shift to gratitude for my freedom.
Hang in there and do the work.
It will get better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 4,217
Hi there. I can relate and agree that these thoughts and feelings are totally "normal" as part of the recovery process. I felt the same even 3 months into sobriety when we went to a friend's house for dinner and I was jealous that her and her husband can have just 1 drink and I cannot. I believe this was part of the reason I relapsed just 2 days later.
It's good to acknowledged the emotions, the anger, the loss. I think it will take us quite some time to grieve. I mean we used alcohol for years, decades- we can't just expect to feel nothing or for it to be easy when we all of a sudden stop using that one crutch that helped us for so long.
On top of that, you have a spouse who is obviously a normal drinker. I imagine part of your feelings are wrapped in perhaps a jealousy that she can drink 1 or 2 and you can't. Any judgement you place on her is a reflection of the judgement you have placed on yourself when it comes to alcohol. I find this is the case most times with me in my husband- I criticize in him what I criticize most in myself.
It's good to acknowledged the emotions, the anger, the loss. I think it will take us quite some time to grieve. I mean we used alcohol for years, decades- we can't just expect to feel nothing or for it to be easy when we all of a sudden stop using that one crutch that helped us for so long.
On top of that, you have a spouse who is obviously a normal drinker. I imagine part of your feelings are wrapped in perhaps a jealousy that she can drink 1 or 2 and you can't. Any judgement you place on her is a reflection of the judgement you have placed on yourself when it comes to alcohol. I find this is the case most times with me in my husband- I criticize in him what I criticize most in myself.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Shitzupuppy, it does sound like there was a bit of resentment going on there, we all experience that once in a while.
Yesterday, a coworker and one of the upper level mgmt people took off mid afternoon for a new bar to try these milkshakes made with alcohol. It was the first hot day here, the party atmosphere was abound. I would have been asked to go if I were still drinking. Then, the mind started to work overtime. Resentment on missing out. Then, I talked myself through it. They would go, have one milkshake, and return to work, which they did. If I were with them I would have started the buzz and then tried to get them to forget about the rest of the day. I probably could have talked them into a few more. I would have gone back to work, did absolutely nothing, and would already have plans on where to continue. I would have left work, gone to where ever that was, and drank a few, then head to the store and home to pound them. Then, this morning I would have called work telling them I think I ate something bad yesterday and would have spent all day today in bed with a pillow over my head. My coworkers would be fully aware of what was really going on. So thankful I don't have to worry about it anymore. So grateful I never have to feel that way again.
Anyway, after all that, the visualization of the truth and being totally honest with yourself helps. The truthful view of the end result will help to negate the pleasing feeling of the "idea" of drinking. That's what it is too, the "idea"of drinking. Sometimes I'll even say to myself out loud (of course when no one's around :p ) "They can do it but that's not me". I don't say it in a negative tone, it's a positive affirmation to myself that I can't drink. Things will not end well. It also helps to end the pity party I begin to create when my head chooses to go down that road.
Yesterday, a coworker and one of the upper level mgmt people took off mid afternoon for a new bar to try these milkshakes made with alcohol. It was the first hot day here, the party atmosphere was abound. I would have been asked to go if I were still drinking. Then, the mind started to work overtime. Resentment on missing out. Then, I talked myself through it. They would go, have one milkshake, and return to work, which they did. If I were with them I would have started the buzz and then tried to get them to forget about the rest of the day. I probably could have talked them into a few more. I would have gone back to work, did absolutely nothing, and would already have plans on where to continue. I would have left work, gone to where ever that was, and drank a few, then head to the store and home to pound them. Then, this morning I would have called work telling them I think I ate something bad yesterday and would have spent all day today in bed with a pillow over my head. My coworkers would be fully aware of what was really going on. So thankful I don't have to worry about it anymore. So grateful I never have to feel that way again.
Anyway, after all that, the visualization of the truth and being totally honest with yourself helps. The truthful view of the end result will help to negate the pleasing feeling of the "idea" of drinking. That's what it is too, the "idea"of drinking. Sometimes I'll even say to myself out loud (of course when no one's around :p ) "They can do it but that's not me". I don't say it in a negative tone, it's a positive affirmation to myself that I can't drink. Things will not end well. It also helps to end the pity party I begin to create when my head chooses to go down that road.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Originally Posted by FreeOwl 
I've felt that before, too. As crazy as it feels to 'miss' drinking... there is a part of our brain dealing with loss in sobriety.
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
I would (and still do) get jealous of others drinking because I was stuck in old assumptions that they were getting something out of it, that they were enhancing the very quality of their lives by drinking alcohol. The reality is that there was NOTHING left in drinking for me at the end. I would drink simply to relieve the feeling of not drinking. Even though everything I had thought, believe, and assumed about alcohol had been proven false (through decades of use), I would still long chase that false garbage. Sobriety is slowly teaching me that everything I was chasing is really available in sobriety.
Maladaptive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: East coast, USA
Posts: 558
Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527
Then, I talked myself through it. They would go, have one milkshake, and return to work, which they did. If I were with them I would have started the buzz and then tried to get them to forget about the rest of the day. I probably could have talked them into a few more. I would have gone back to work, did absolutely nothing, and would already have plans on where to continue. I would have left work, gone to where ever that was, and drank a few, then head to the store and home to pound them.
Anyway, after all that, the visualization of the truth and being totally honest with yourself helps. The truthful view of the end result will help to negate the pleasing feeling of the "idea" of drinking. That's what it is too, the "idea"of drinking. Sometimes I'll even say to myself out loud (of course when no one's around :p ) "They can do it but that's not me". I don't say it in a negative tone, it's a positive affirmation to myself that I can't drink. Things will not end well. It also helps to end the pity party I begin to create when my head chooses to go down that road.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Yep. I remember that too.
You can miss an ex, even an abusive one sometimes.
I took a little time for drinking me to give way to sober me - and it took a little while for me to fully realise how much better being sober was.
Eventually I came to prefer being sober, and once that happened my priorities and attitudes changed.
Have faith - you're on the right road and you're missing nothing
D
You can miss an ex, even an abusive one sometimes.
I took a little time for drinking me to give way to sober me - and it took a little while for me to fully realise how much better being sober was.
Eventually I came to prefer being sober, and once that happened my priorities and attitudes changed.
Have faith - you're on the right road and you're missing nothing
D
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
Sounds to me like Restless, Irritable, and Discontent. I learned all about it and how to deal with it by going to AA meetings.
Also, the non-alcoholic beer isn't going to do you any favors. We each find our own path but for me that would be considered a relapse. Alcoholism isn't about alcohol, it's about how you think and deal with life. More valuable information I learned from those in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Also, the non-alcoholic beer isn't going to do you any favors. We each find our own path but for me that would be considered a relapse. Alcoholism isn't about alcohol, it's about how you think and deal with life. More valuable information I learned from those in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Maladaptive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: East coast, USA
Posts: 558
Originally Posted by hellrzr
Sounds to me like Restless, Irritable, and Discontent. I learned all about it and how to deal with it by going to AA meetings.
Also, the non-alcoholic beer isn't going to do you any favors. We each find our own path but for me that would be considered a relapse. Alcoholism isn't about alcohol, it's about how you think and deal with life. More valuable information I learned from those in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Also, the non-alcoholic beer isn't going to do you any favors. We each find our own path but for me that would be considered a relapse. Alcoholism isn't about alcohol, it's about how you think and deal with life. More valuable information I learned from those in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
As for non-alc beer, it's not a substitute. I drink 1 coffee, 1 green smoothie then water all day, every day. If i go out to dinner, I don't want more water. alcoholism for me is not drinking alcohol.
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
Do you take issue with AA?
Not drinking alcohol is just not drinking alcohol. Alcoholism, the disease, is not about drinking alcohol. It's how your mind works and how you think and deal with life. I'm an alcoholic and haven't drank in almost 5 years. Stopping drinking didn't stop me from being an alcoholic. If anything it's made me understand more how it works and the steps I had to take in order to deal with life on life's terms.
Not drinking alcohol is just not drinking alcohol. Alcoholism, the disease, is not about drinking alcohol. It's how your mind works and how you think and deal with life. I'm an alcoholic and haven't drank in almost 5 years. Stopping drinking didn't stop me from being an alcoholic. If anything it's made me understand more how it works and the steps I had to take in order to deal with life on life's terms.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Shitzupuppy
Maybe you can expand on those concepts for those of us who will never step into an AA meeting? Edit, nevermind. google found plenty on it.
As for non-alc beer, it's not a substitute. I drink 1 coffee, 1 green smoothie then water all day, every day. If i go out to dinner, I don't want more water. alcoholism for me is not drinking alcohol.
As for non-alc beer, it's not a substitute. I drink 1 coffee, 1 green smoothie then water all day, every day. If i go out to dinner, I don't want more water. alcoholism for me is not drinking alcohol.
Many people (not me personally ) have come adrift through drinking non-alcoholic beers, and have ended up being triggered and drinking them. That's why folk here will generally suggest avoiding them. They have your best interests at heart and in no way want to spoil your fun. But like all advise, you can take or leave it. See how you go. Ultimately this is your journey. I too preferred to go scurrying around the wilderness for myself to find my way rather than take suggestion. Until I'd put myself in enough pain that I didn't want to live any more. That's what it took for me to find a little humility and realise that those people with long term sobriety had got there with their thinking. And my thinking had got me where I was. Resentful, angry, jealous, full of fear and self-loathing, and void of hope.
Anyway. Hope the social goes well. Can I make a suggestion as well? One you are most at liberty to ignore or poo-poo as you wish, but it made a massive difference to my sobriety. And that is to not engage in battles, debates or fights with your AV. I think is was Sandy Beach (but I could be wrong ) who talked about a TV sitcom where the mum from hell was staying with her son. She drove him nuts, criticising everything, telling him what to do, being obnoxious. All weekend he was fit to bust a gut. In the next episode she went to stay with her daughter and was just the same way there. BUT the daughter, somehow or another, had found acceptance for what her mum was like. She didn't agree with her, but she could laugh at her mums antics. Every time her mum did something that would have driven her brother insane, the daughter just laughed and said "Ohhhh Mom" and carried on doing things her own way despite the criticism. I found that much like that awful mother, my AV was going to be and say whatever it was going to be and say. Energy spent trying to change that little beastie was energy wasted, and I kind of needed all my energy for learning to Live Sober ('Live' capitalised intentionally there). So I found that if I just focussed on recognising my AV (I could tell it was my AV because it kept telling me I wanted or needed or deserved or was safe to have a drink) and just having a little chuckle at its antics then that worked better than trying to fight it. Might just be worth a try at least.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Maladaptive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: East coast, USA
Posts: 558
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Sounds like you're still in the middle of a resentment attack Shitzu - bit of narkiness there for someone who was trying to help. The concepts of AA are quite a lot to expand on in one thread if you're don't even know someone wants to know them, and often when people respond on here it's necessarily short and to the point.
Many people (not me personally ) have come adrift through drinking non-alcoholic beers, and have ended up being triggered and drinking them. That's why folk here will generally suggest avoiding them. They have your best interests at heart and in no way want to spoil your fun. But like all advise, you can take or leave it. See how you go. Ultimately this is your journey. I too preferred to go scurrying around the wilderness for myself to find my way rather than take suggestion. Until I'd put myself in enough pain that I didn't want to live any more. That's what it took for me to find a little humility and realise that those people with long term sobriety had got there with their thinking. And my thinking had got me where I was. Resentful, angry, jealous, full of fear and self-loathing, and void of hope.
Anyway. Hope the social goes well. Can I make a suggestion as well? One you are most at liberty to ignore or poo-poo as you wish, but it made a massive difference to my sobriety. And that is to not engage in battles, debates or fights with your AV. I think is was Sandy Beach (but I could be wrong ) who talked about a TV sitcom where the mum from hell was staying with her son. She drove him nuts, criticising everything, telling him what to do, being obnoxious. All weekend he was fit to bust a gut. In the next episode she went to stay with her daughter and was just the same way there. BUT the daughter, somehow or another, had found acceptance for what her mum was like. She didn't agree with her, but she could laugh at her mums antics. Every time her mum did something that would have driven her brother insane, the daughter just laughed and said "Ohhhh Mom" and carried on doing things her own way despite the criticism. I found that much like that awful mother, my AV was going to be and say whatever it was going to be and say. Energy spent trying to change that little beastie was energy wasted, and I kind of needed all my energy for learning to Live Sober ('Live' capitalised intentionally there). So I found that if I just focussed on recognising my AV (I could tell it was my AV because it kept telling me I wanted or needed or deserved or was safe to have a drink) and just having a little chuckle at its antics then that worked better than trying to fight it. Might just be worth a try at least.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Anyway. Hope the social goes well. Can I make a suggestion as well? One you are most at liberty to ignore or poo-poo as you wish, but it made a massive difference to my sobriety. And that is to not engage in battles, debates or fights with your AV. I think is was Sandy Beach (but I could be wrong ) who talked about a TV sitcom where the mum from hell was staying with her son. She drove him nuts, criticising everything, telling him what to do, being obnoxious. All weekend he was fit to bust a gut. In the next episode she went to stay with her daughter and was just the same way there. BUT the daughter, somehow or another, had found acceptance for what her mum was like. She didn't agree with her, but she could laugh at her mums antics. Every time her mum did something that would have driven her brother insane, the daughter just laughed and said "Ohhhh Mom" and carried on doing things her own way despite the criticism. I found that much like that awful mother, my AV was going to be and say whatever it was going to be and say. Energy spent trying to change that little beastie was energy wasted, and I kind of needed all my energy for learning to Live Sober ('Live' capitalised intentionally there). So I found that if I just focussed on recognising my AV (I could tell it was my AV because it kept telling me I wanted or needed or deserved or was safe to have a drink) and just having a little chuckle at its antics then that worked better than trying to fight it. Might just be worth a try at least.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
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