Concerned about the future
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
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Concerned about the future
A future situation is sitting in the pit of my stomach for awhile now and I'm not sure what to do. There are two things that seem to be common when a close family member dies. One, it triggers a relapse and two, it causes tremendous regret in those who did not maintain contact with that family member in their later years of life. I'm concerned about both. I have not spoken to my mother and father since Christmas/New Years (they live 3 miles away).
I'm afraid that if he was to pass away (which could be any day), I will regret not maintaining contact, I also am rather concerned that this would trigger me to drink. The fear might be totally irrational, but its there in the back of my mind. Its going to happen (his passing), its just a matter of when. How do I prepare for this?
I'm afraid that if he was to pass away (which could be any day), I will regret not maintaining contact, I also am rather concerned that this would trigger me to drink. The fear might be totally irrational, but its there in the back of my mind. Its going to happen (his passing), its just a matter of when. How do I prepare for this?
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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concern for and worry for something that hasn't happened yet is a waste of dreamspace and of today.
right NOW, do you feel compelled to reach out to your father? if so, do it.
Concern over maybe drinking in the future is wasted dreamspace and wasted life.
TODAY - you will not drink. And just as you can make that choice and honor it TODAY - you will be able to do it again in the 'future' when another TODAY arrives.
right NOW, do you feel compelled to reach out to your father? if so, do it.
Concern over maybe drinking in the future is wasted dreamspace and wasted life.
TODAY - you will not drink. And just as you can make that choice and honor it TODAY - you will be able to do it again in the 'future' when another TODAY arrives.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
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I'm sorry to hear of your father's poor health , and your strained relationship.
To be blunt and hopefully not callous , prepare for it by understanding that consuming alcohol has nothing to do with either of those situations. Unless you make it so, and even then it is really just about consuming alcohol.
"Feeling the need for a drink" , or "wanting a drink" also have little to do with actually consuming alcohol. Consuming alcohol is all about consuming alcohol.
To be blunt and hopefully not callous , prepare for it by understanding that consuming alcohol has nothing to do with either of those situations. Unless you make it so, and even then it is really just about consuming alcohol.
"Feeling the need for a drink" , or "wanting a drink" also have little to do with actually consuming alcohol. Consuming alcohol is all about consuming alcohol.
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Thomas, I'm very sorry to hear about your father's poor health.
I think you need to do some soul-searching and decide whether there are things you want to say to your father before he dies. I went through this with my mother. We had only minimal contact for years and when she was dying I wanted to be really sure that I wouldn't regret not talking with her before she died. I knew she would NEVER apologize for the abuse, I knew she would deny anything I said. So, I visited her and talked of nothing important. I have never regretted my decision because I know her denial would have devastated me and I was in early recovery at the time.
Do you want to see your father and let him know that you are there? You have the answer to that.
I think you need to do some soul-searching and decide whether there are things you want to say to your father before he dies. I went through this with my mother. We had only minimal contact for years and when she was dying I wanted to be really sure that I wouldn't regret not talking with her before she died. I knew she would NEVER apologize for the abuse, I knew she would deny anything I said. So, I visited her and talked of nothing important. I have never regretted my decision because I know her denial would have devastated me and I was in early recovery at the time.
Do you want to see your father and let him know that you are there? You have the answer to that.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Anna 
Thomas, I'm very sorry to hear about your father's poor health.
I think you need to do some soul-searching and decide whether there are things you want to say to your father before he dies. I went through this with my mother. We had only minimal contact for years and when she was dying I wanted to be really sure that I wouldn't regret not talking with her before she died. I knew she would NEVER apologize for the abuse, I knew she would deny anything I said. So, I visited her and talked of nothing important. I have never regretted my decision because I know her denial would have devastated me and I was in early recovery at the time.
Do you want to see your father and let him know that you are there? You have the answer to that.
I think you need to do some soul-searching and decide whether there are things you want to say to your father before he dies. I went through this with my mother. We had only minimal contact for years and when she was dying I wanted to be really sure that I wouldn't regret not talking with her before she died. I knew she would NEVER apologize for the abuse, I knew she would deny anything I said. So, I visited her and talked of nothing important. I have never regretted my decision because I know her denial would have devastated me and I was in early recovery at the time.
Do you want to see your father and let him know that you are there? You have the answer to that.
One ACTION you might consider taking would be to do a step4-9 specifically focused on you, your father and your relationship with him.
What might come out of that is a clarification of resentments, regrets, hurts, issues and things that you feel compelled to communicate with him.
Or, maybe it would help you lay to rest unease over some things that you come to realize and are ready to let go of.
If not the steps - maybe just some journaling or therapy work around the question;
What issues to I have relating to my father?
What do I wish I could hear from him?
What do I wish I could say to him?
Anyway..... regardless of any of that you don't have to relapse over anyone's death.
Nobody's death needs to also be yours.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
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Originally Posted by Anna
Thomas, I'm very sorry to hear about your father's poor health.
I think you need to do some soul-searching and decide whether there are things you want to say to your father before he dies. I went through this with my mother. We had only minimal contact for years and when she was dying I wanted to be really sure that I wouldn't regret not talking with her before she died. I knew she would NEVER apologize for the abuse, I knew she would deny anything I said. So, I visited her and talked of nothing important. I have never regretted my decision because I know her denial would have devastated me and I was in early recovery at the time.
Do you want to see your father and let him know that you are there? You have the answer to that.
I think you need to do some soul-searching and decide whether there are things you want to say to your father before he dies. I went through this with my mother. We had only minimal contact for years and when she was dying I wanted to be really sure that I wouldn't regret not talking with her before she died. I knew she would NEVER apologize for the abuse, I knew she would deny anything I said. So, I visited her and talked of nothing important. I have never regretted my decision because I know her denial would have devastated me and I was in early recovery at the time.
Do you want to see your father and let him know that you are there? You have the answer to that.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
thomas, i don't envy your position right now. sometimes we absolutely HAVE to distance ourselves, even from our parents and that alone is a tough row to hoe. add in health concerns and it doesn't leave one on seemingly firm footing.
what if you start by writing out what you would WANT to say to your father.....put special emphasis on what you want him to HEAR. do so without any plan of sending it or singing it or reading it out loud to anyone. work on untangling the tangle of emotions, get some clarity. be clear in your heart and your mind, what you feel and what you wish to impart.
however..........i just ran this thru the Excuse-o-meter, and it still doesn't qualify. sorry. drinking is not an option. still.
what if you start by writing out what you would WANT to say to your father.....put special emphasis on what you want him to HEAR. do so without any plan of sending it or singing it or reading it out loud to anyone. work on untangling the tangle of emotions, get some clarity. be clear in your heart and your mind, what you feel and what you wish to impart.
however..........i just ran this thru the Excuse-o-meter, and it still doesn't qualify. sorry. drinking is not an option. still.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Originally Posted by Anna
Thomas, I'm very sorry to hear about your father's poor health.
I think you need to do some soul-searching and decide whether there are things you want to say to your father before he dies. I went through this with my mother. We had only minimal contact for years and when she was dying I wanted to be really sure that I wouldn't regret not talking with her before she died. I knew she would NEVER apologize for the abuse, I knew she would deny anything I said. So, I visited her and talked of nothing important. I have never regretted my decision because I know her denial would have devastated me and I was in early recovery at the time.
Do you want to see your father and let him know that you are there? You have the answer to that.
I think you need to do some soul-searching and decide whether there are things you want to say to your father before he dies. I went through this with my mother. We had only minimal contact for years and when she was dying I wanted to be really sure that I wouldn't regret not talking with her before she died. I knew she would NEVER apologize for the abuse, I knew she would deny anything I said. So, I visited her and talked of nothing important. I have never regretted my decision because I know her denial would have devastated me and I was in early recovery at the time.
Do you want to see your father and let him know that you are there? You have the answer to that.
Just being with him for a while, or for however long you choose, will likely be therapeutic for both of you.
Sending you love.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Very sorry to hear about your father's situation and your difficulty knowing how to deal with it. I can relate in a way. Many years ago, my father had a stroke and due to that and complications, he wasn't expected to live much longer. My brother and sister went to see him but I didn't. They tried to convince me to go for my own sake but didn't follow their advise and I now regret it.
The reason I didn't go was because he was such an abusive father. No need to go into details, but I hated this man's guts. His dying would be a relief cause I would know for sure he was really gone.
I'm not sure how much good it would of done for me but now I'll never know. Maybe some of the things I'm still struggling with due to the abuse might not
be so bad. Maybe they would make more sense now.
Regrets are tough to live with and many last a lifetime. If I were in your shoes, I'd see him. Try to make a plan on how your going to deal with seeing him, both mentally and physically. Have support if you can. Your in a tough spot. Take care. John
The reason I didn't go was because he was such an abusive father. No need to go into details, but I hated this man's guts. His dying would be a relief cause I would know for sure he was really gone.
I'm not sure how much good it would of done for me but now I'll never know. Maybe some of the things I'm still struggling with due to the abuse might not
be so bad. Maybe they would make more sense now.
Regrets are tough to live with and many last a lifetime. If I were in your shoes, I'd see him. Try to make a plan on how your going to deal with seeing him, both mentally and physically. Have support if you can. Your in a tough spot. Take care. John
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I don't have to react to thoughts (triggers) today. Good and bad things will happen. I just wrote about one - timely for both of us. We don't drink, remember?
Today I have learned much of tolerance and forgiveness. Where there is injury, pardon. I do this for others as they are sick and may not understand their own pain. I forgive them not for my potential regrets - I forgive them because I am grateful to the universe, God for the grace I have been given.
I am interested to hear what you decide my friend. Either way, love yourself for your decision - you deserve it.
peace
Today I have learned much of tolerance and forgiveness. Where there is injury, pardon. I do this for others as they are sick and may not understand their own pain. I forgive them not for my potential regrets - I forgive them because I am grateful to the universe, God for the grace I have been given.
I am interested to hear what you decide my friend. Either way, love yourself for your decision - you deserve it.
peace
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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I've been through 2 deaths since I left treatment in February.
We could all see it looming on the horizon with old age on both counts, but I don't know if it hurts any less no matter how someone passes.
I've found that there is always something I regret. Wish I could have a do-over.
But, I realized a couple things. Things we all know, but some of us, just have to walk through it before we 'get' it.
There is no amount of alcohol that will make me forget, that will fill in the regret, erase the mistakes, or take away the pain of losing someone.
There really is nothing in this world that can make me drink except for deciding to pick up the bottle again. There is no excuse.
I relapsed last year just before the anniversary of my close friend's death. When she had died, I was almost dead myself from drinking.
When I relapsed, it didn't take me long to see it did nothing but bring me back down the spiral fairly quickly.
It didn't make me feel better for one second.
Don't hold the notion of fear of relapse. That's like driving and watching the ditch the whole time instead of the road. Where is it likely to lead you?
What can you do to find peace over this today? I know action, sometimes action of any sort not specifically related to the problem helps me deal with fear and anxiety so much.
Writing letters to the people I have strained or broken relationships with, helps me diffuse my anger and sort through my thoughts and emotions. Maybe you could try that and see where it leads you? Writing and talking those things out gets that crap out of my headspace.
I am still trudging through a lot of difficult things, the old wreckage of our pasts... but I am no different or special than most. It's ok to be afraid. It's ok to feel intense or unknown feelings. Just don't let them keep you down or hold you back.
There is absolutely nothing in this world that can make us drink.
We could all see it looming on the horizon with old age on both counts, but I don't know if it hurts any less no matter how someone passes.
I've found that there is always something I regret. Wish I could have a do-over.
But, I realized a couple things. Things we all know, but some of us, just have to walk through it before we 'get' it.
There is no amount of alcohol that will make me forget, that will fill in the regret, erase the mistakes, or take away the pain of losing someone.
There really is nothing in this world that can make me drink except for deciding to pick up the bottle again. There is no excuse.
I relapsed last year just before the anniversary of my close friend's death. When she had died, I was almost dead myself from drinking.
When I relapsed, it didn't take me long to see it did nothing but bring me back down the spiral fairly quickly.
It didn't make me feel better for one second.
Don't hold the notion of fear of relapse. That's like driving and watching the ditch the whole time instead of the road. Where is it likely to lead you?
What can you do to find peace over this today? I know action, sometimes action of any sort not specifically related to the problem helps me deal with fear and anxiety so much.
Writing letters to the people I have strained or broken relationships with, helps me diffuse my anger and sort through my thoughts and emotions. Maybe you could try that and see where it leads you? Writing and talking those things out gets that crap out of my headspace.
I am still trudging through a lot of difficult things, the old wreckage of our pasts... but I am no different or special than most. It's ok to be afraid. It's ok to feel intense or unknown feelings. Just don't let them keep you down or hold you back.
There is absolutely nothing in this world that can make us drink.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Originally Posted by thomas11
I also am rather concerned that this would trigger me to drink. The fear might be totally irrational, but its there in the back of my mind. Its going to happen (his passing), its just a matter of when. How do I prepare for this?
it could also happen because you dont have the coping mechanisms/skills/tools to handle greiving?
there is one dead set coping mechansim/skill/tool you do have- knowledge that a drink wont help.
how do you prepare? welp, i think it would be wise to find out what to do today to not have any regrets.
past that?
my mother passed september 2013 at the age of 86. i was holding her hand when she took her last breath. even though i knew for the previous 6 months that time was coming, the only thing i could really do to prepare is to have no expectations of how i would react. dam good thing i didnt have any as i was a basket case. i was her caregiver and she lived with me for the previous 13 years and i didnt really notice what a huge part of my life she was those 13 years.
having no expectaions allowed me to feel whatever i was feeling. it allowed me to learn about myself and the feelings that come with greiving that i had never experienced before because i was drunk.
thomas, what you have to do is what you have to do. im quite confident that in your heart you know what you should do.
and i thank you for bringing this up. it is giving me a little time tonight to grieve a little more, miss my mom, feel greatful, and know that that is ok.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Regret is a tough mother to live with. I think we all know what it feels like.
Stay in the present as much as you are able. It doesn't hurt to plan for some things, but future-tripping can trip us up.
Right now, today, I can tell you feel the need to see your dad and speak to him (again). I encourage you to do so and you know you have our support. What have you got to lose?
Stay in the present as much as you are able. It doesn't hurt to plan for some things, but future-tripping can trip us up.
Right now, today, I can tell you feel the need to see your dad and speak to him (again). I encourage you to do so and you know you have our support. What have you got to lose?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,578
Jeff, that thought that the loss might trigger a "relapse" is just the AV, trying to worm it's way in ... it's planting that suggestion now, on the hopes that you'll buy the lie. It wants you to fear the loss and fear your emotions, and believe that a relapse will just "happen" to you.
Our own emotions are nothing to fear ... they are tolerable. For me, they'll never be an excuse to choose to drink.
Our own emotions are nothing to fear ... they are tolerable. For me, they'll never be an excuse to choose to drink.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
That AV is a persistent long living cuss isn't he Jeff?
Think over all the things you've already faced sober man...its quite a list.
I have no doubt you'll face whatever other challenges come by in the same way.
My folks are getting on too - it's likely I'll outlive them. I know for a fact I won't drink - that would be a complete negation of everything I'm come to stand for.
The AV can squawk as much as it likes...I don't hear it.
That's not me anymore.
I don't really think it's you either
D
ps Anna's advice is gold.
If you have things to say, and you want to say them, say them....If not...then so be it
Think over all the things you've already faced sober man...its quite a list.
I have no doubt you'll face whatever other challenges come by in the same way.
My folks are getting on too - it's likely I'll outlive them. I know for a fact I won't drink - that would be a complete negation of everything I'm come to stand for.
The AV can squawk as much as it likes...I don't hear it.
That's not me anymore.
I don't really think it's you either
D
ps Anna's advice is gold.
If you have things to say, and you want to say them, say them....If not...then so be it
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I wish I had some sage advice but I don't. My dad's health deteriorated over a longish period of time. We had been close for many years and I was able to spend time with him in the last months. Not nearly as much as I'd like to have but there's never enough time. Nothing was left unsaid between us but still I wish I could have said more.
I do feel though that whatever you decide will be right decision.
I do feel though that whatever you decide will be right decision.
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You guys never disappoint. I greatly appreciate all of the thoughtful responses , you all make excellent points. I will swallow my pride and proceed cautiously into regular communication with my father. I don't want regrets, I've had enough of them in my life. But I must remain at arms length. Its who I am now.
I must go back to what Anvill said....no where on the "excuse-o-meter" is it ok to drink. He's right, we don't drink anymore.
I must go back to what Anvill said....no where on the "excuse-o-meter" is it ok to drink. He's right, we don't drink anymore.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Originally Posted by thomas11
You guys never disappoint. I greatly appreciate all of the thoughtful responses , you all make excellent points. I will swallow my pride and proceed cautiously into regular communication with my father. I don't want regrets, I've had enough of them in my life. But I must remain at arms length. Its who I am now.
I must go back to what Anvill said....no where on the "excuse-o-meter" is it ok to drink. He's right, we don't drink anymore.
I must go back to what Anvill said....no where on the "excuse-o-meter" is it ok to drink. He's right, we don't drink anymore.
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