Boyfriend in Rehab...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 13
Boyfriend in Rehab...
Hi everybody. Been reading lots of posts, first time writing...
My boyfriend of about a year is currently in rehab for drinking. We've been long distance much of that time, which has been really difficult, but we've made it through with a lot of communication and frequent visits. We are both in grad school -- I just graduated, he will be walking at the end of the month.
I didn't know the severity of his problems until this January, when he told me he wanted to stop drinking for a while (this was not his first time, he had done it cold-turkey for a few months at a time before). When he did this, he said he felt better but he also became distant, which wasn't like him. He told me he was dealing with depression, and I suggested seeing a therapist or doctor. He resisted for a long time, and then relapsed when school responsibilities became really intense. When I found out, I told him to contact his parents, and they got him into a facility a few weeks ago.
I am so proud of him for going and doing this. And in the mean time, I've really tried to focus on my life. I've read Melody's books, I'm in therapy, I attended a CoDA meeting, started on medication for anxiety/depression... but I'm still really scared he's going to end our relationship.
We are very much in love, but doing long distance has been really trying. I had a lot of anxiety early on and started therapy. I'm afraid the rehab facility is going to tell him that we have an unhealthy relationship and that he needs to end it. I'm really, really working to keep my focus on me and my health, and I often feel really guilty when I start to feel sad or miss him because I KNOW that his treatment of me over the past few months didn't meet my expectations... I know I ought to be angry, and to tell myself I deserve the very best. But I see how hard he's been trying and how hard he's worked to be the best man he can be for me.
He's stopped saying "I love you" and "I miss you," and is calling less frequently. It's been about a week since I've heard from him, but I know he's called other friends in the mean time. I want to give him the space he needs to work things out, but I'm feeling insecure and sad. Should I call? Or if he calls, am I allowed to ask him why he's not offering much affection, or where we stand? I don't want to put undue pressure on him but its also confusing for me... Thank you for any insight.
My boyfriend of about a year is currently in rehab for drinking. We've been long distance much of that time, which has been really difficult, but we've made it through with a lot of communication and frequent visits. We are both in grad school -- I just graduated, he will be walking at the end of the month.
I didn't know the severity of his problems until this January, when he told me he wanted to stop drinking for a while (this was not his first time, he had done it cold-turkey for a few months at a time before). When he did this, he said he felt better but he also became distant, which wasn't like him. He told me he was dealing with depression, and I suggested seeing a therapist or doctor. He resisted for a long time, and then relapsed when school responsibilities became really intense. When I found out, I told him to contact his parents, and they got him into a facility a few weeks ago.
I am so proud of him for going and doing this. And in the mean time, I've really tried to focus on my life. I've read Melody's books, I'm in therapy, I attended a CoDA meeting, started on medication for anxiety/depression... but I'm still really scared he's going to end our relationship.
We are very much in love, but doing long distance has been really trying. I had a lot of anxiety early on and started therapy. I'm afraid the rehab facility is going to tell him that we have an unhealthy relationship and that he needs to end it. I'm really, really working to keep my focus on me and my health, and I often feel really guilty when I start to feel sad or miss him because I KNOW that his treatment of me over the past few months didn't meet my expectations... I know I ought to be angry, and to tell myself I deserve the very best. But I see how hard he's been trying and how hard he's worked to be the best man he can be for me.
He's stopped saying "I love you" and "I miss you," and is calling less frequently. It's been about a week since I've heard from him, but I know he's called other friends in the mean time. I want to give him the space he needs to work things out, but I'm feeling insecure and sad. Should I call? Or if he calls, am I allowed to ask him why he's not offering much affection, or where we stand? I don't want to put undue pressure on him but its also confusing for me... Thank you for any insight.
Maladaptive
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: East coast, USA
Posts: 558
Hi, sorry you're going through this, but..
It may not be what you want to hear but the relationship your bf has with you is built on a false, drunk version of himself. When he is sober he may not feel the same way he did when drunk. Only time will tell.
And it is the alcohol, not you. If that happens, don't blame yourself or have low self esteem. It just is the disease.
As for calling, I would call, just like I would normally, if he wasn't in a facility. He could be feeling ashamed to talk to you. You can't know what his reasoning is. Take it from there. If it wasn't meant to be, it's better to move on after 1 year than 10.
You are young and have your whole life in front of you.
Sorry if I sound pessimistic.
It may not be what you want to hear but the relationship your bf has with you is built on a false, drunk version of himself. When he is sober he may not feel the same way he did when drunk. Only time will tell.
And it is the alcohol, not you. If that happens, don't blame yourself or have low self esteem. It just is the disease.
As for calling, I would call, just like I would normally, if he wasn't in a facility. He could be feeling ashamed to talk to you. You can't know what his reasoning is. Take it from there. If it wasn't meant to be, it's better to move on after 1 year than 10.
You are young and have your whole life in front of you.
Sorry if I sound pessimistic.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Hi and Welcome,
I'm sorry for your situation but it sounds like you are taking care of yourself. It also sounds like your boyfriend is distancing himself somewhat, which is understandable in recovery. It's a time of change. I hope that he finds his way.
I'm sorry for your situation but it sounds like you are taking care of yourself. It also sounds like your boyfriend is distancing himself somewhat, which is understandable in recovery. It's a time of change. I hope that he finds his way.
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