Day 2, or 1...
 

Two days, no alcohol. I did a really awful thing the other night while drunk which prompted this "drying out." It's impossible to avoid alcohol because it is my job in the most literal meaning. I am part-owner of a brewery in one of the hardest drinking cities in this country, and spend much of my time serving beers to people in our taproom and selling beer out in the market.

As for being sober - I'm only on day one. Last night, instead of alcohol, I finished off a bottle of narcotic painkillers left over from a surgery. My will power only works at the door. I'm great at keeping things out of the house, but I have a hard time once it is inside, if that makes any sense.

Anyway - I've been having mild panic attacks for months now due to stress, anxiety, and a sense of impending doom that sits in my ever tightening chest. I have been self-medicating heavily, very heavily, with pretty much whatever was lying around.

Last night, I went to bed without alcohol. Tonight, I am going to bed sober. I feel good about that. I'm worried about tomorrow. I think that is why I'm sharing this. Most people don't understand how difficult it is to try and go to bed sober when one cannot remember the last time. I am guessing people here understand.

Then again, it may not be appropriate for me to be writing here. I don't live in a world where never drinking again is an option. I just have to get my life together before I really hurt myself or someone else, and I think step one is sobriety.

Welcome to SR!

welcome :)

you're kinda pulling in two directions there.

I tried to have a bet each way, but I just couldn't drink 'normally'...I just have no off switch. The point of drinking for me was to get wasted.

I didn't want to change my life - I fought it for 20 years, but it got me in the end.

I just hope you're a different kind of drinker to me, or that's a hard road ahead.

Welcome, S. My sponsor comes from a family that owned a brewery. So can understand that part. For me- it means regular support, not just a good idea to want to stop. That means for me- meetings. I did SMART (good) and do AA.
Also- self medicating on prescription meds- very unsafe. Suggest you see a doc just to make sure your baseline health is ok- and to prevent w/d horrors (like seizures). Having a plan of action is important for sobriety. Just like a business venture- a good idea needs goals, strategies and HOW to carry out that plan. Lots of info in the sticky's. Being aware of having an issue with booze is great- it is proactively using that awareness with informed decisions and actions is the key. I also see a counsellor regularly.
Empathy and support to you, PJ.

Welcome, most all of us can understand anxieties that go with not drinking and the daily temptation. You will have to stay close to support since you work with alcohol. If possible change your duties for a month so you aren't handling it each day.

Welcome to SR!

That makes perfect sense. I think it was true for many/most of us in early recovery. I'm at almost 18 months now and I can be around booze without any real issue, but I still don't keep any in my house. Better safe than sorry.

The idea of sleeping without intoxicants was a huge fear of mine, too. At the end, I just could not even fathom going to bed without at least a few glasses of booze in my system. The good news is that getting past this issue turned out to be pretty easy. Within a week or so I was sleeping well. Additionally, you will very quickly find out that your sleep is sooooooooooooo much better while sober that you won't want to go back.

This one I can't accept. Ultimately, you live in the same world as me. It is a world where booze is everywhere. You happen to work with it, but the difference between you and me is only one of degrees. Never drinking is an option. I'm not suggesting that you need to accept this right this very moment, but it should certainly be something that is kept on the table. There are exceptionally few people who develop addiction that can ever return to a "safe" level of drinking. I don't know if I am one of them, but I'm not about to to test the waters when I know the odds are tiny and I love my booze-free life.

Good luck. Keep posting!

Saint,

Welcome aboard.

Ya, tough situation for sure.

Prefer not to beat around the bush because this booze thing is a killer....

You are heavily addicted and trying to moderate will lead to more binges.

Age seems to play well into some folks ability to continue drinking.

I had to quit because my anxiety became unbearable.

This anxiety eventually can lead to insanity, not to mention all the other medical issues alcohol causes or makes worse.

Get clean. Stay clean.

Thanks.

Hi Saint,

I can speak from 30 years of experience in self medicating.....

Eventually it leads to horrible despair, drinking/drugging alone, possible DUI's, loss of family, friends, jobs, relationships, self worth, pride, sanity.

I can truly say that I wish I had found my own inner strength and sobriety long ago....I hope you choose to live a happy life, and begin to realize exactly what booze/drugs equal=pain

I wish you well:grouphug:

Welcome, saintoak :grouphug:

Everyone is welcome here, it is more than appropriate for you to be writing here!

Please keep posting.

:grouphug:

Welcome to SR saintoak. I think many of us can relate to what described in your opening post. I know I sure can. That feeling of impending doom and panic will go away if you quit drinking. I can say this from experience. I got myself into that trap one too many times and there is no worse feeling than fear. Of course our health suffers too, high blood pressure, overweight etc....The solution is rather simple. Quit drinking. Staying quit is the hard part. I think you can do it, even though you are in the alcohol industry. You just have to walk down a different path. You won't regret it.

how are you today saintoak ?

Then again, it may not be appropriate for me to be writing here. I don't live in a world where never drinking again is an option. I just have to get my life together before I really hurt myself or someone else, and I think step one is sobriety.[/QUOTE]


-as long as you are self aware and TRYING that is all that matters. Control is everything. Once you gain control of yourself, everything will fall into place. I know because I am in your boat. I made it to 57 days before my first slip. Starting over sucks, but now I know that I can actually not drink when triggered because I am now in control, I see those 57 days as a challenge. If I can make it 57 I damn sure can make it 90.

Dont count the days, just live life in the now.

It's still possible.

I've not had a drink in 505 days and I'm the owner of a wine bar.


Edit didn't realize I replied to a necro bump by a one time poster from two years ago. I don't think he's gonna see it..