How the hell do you help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
How the hell do you help
My friend was back in the ER last night. Very, very drunk. Again.
A couple months ago he turned up in town homeless with no money, tried to commit suicide, got hospitalized, got out, fell on the kindness of our small town connections.
Got taken care of. Meals. A sofa to sleep on. A job. Even went to a few meetings.
On Friday he got a promotion and an apartment. Then disappeared. Last night a friend contacted me to let me know he hadn't been to work since last week and was now terminates.
I went by his place and people there had taken him to the ER last night.
Now he's back out, went for a walk with his duffel bag, came back and holed up and 'just wants to be alone'.
It's so damn tragic. What the hell do you do.... but sit by, keep tabs, hope that bottom comes before death....
A couple months ago he turned up in town homeless with no money, tried to commit suicide, got hospitalized, got out, fell on the kindness of our small town connections.
Got taken care of. Meals. A sofa to sleep on. A job. Even went to a few meetings.
On Friday he got a promotion and an apartment. Then disappeared. Last night a friend contacted me to let me know he hadn't been to work since last week and was now terminates.
I went by his place and people there had taken him to the ER last night.
Now he's back out, went for a walk with his duffel bag, came back and holed up and 'just wants to be alone'.
It's so damn tragic. What the hell do you do.... but sit by, keep tabs, hope that bottom comes before death....
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Me and my best friend seem to alternate going back out... he's the one that goes full on FUBAR, though, when he goes back out. I internalize a lot more, suffer privately, act out and burn bridges quietly. He wakes up in psych wards with huge contusions, missing teeth, and no memory of anything.
We usually will call each other after a coded facebook status update tips one of us off that the other isn't doing okay.
It is hard to get disappointed, and I don't think either of us ever does, because we know what to expect of a fellow alcoholic. It has been known to happen. We're sorry to hear that the other is not doing well, and we say "I'm here if you need to talk and I'll help in any way that I can".
We don't lecture or try to fix, we know we can't, and we have to be okay with that. Lately, we have had trouble relating to one another in terms of our personal lives, but I don't know anyone else outside of this forum who gets me when it comes to this here.
Maybe the one way you can be there for your friend is by setting a good example that might show him what is available to him if he resolves to get better.
We usually will call each other after a coded facebook status update tips one of us off that the other isn't doing okay.
It is hard to get disappointed, and I don't think either of us ever does, because we know what to expect of a fellow alcoholic. It has been known to happen. We're sorry to hear that the other is not doing well, and we say "I'm here if you need to talk and I'll help in any way that I can".
We don't lecture or try to fix, we know we can't, and we have to be okay with that. Lately, we have had trouble relating to one another in terms of our personal lives, but I don't know anyone else outside of this forum who gets me when it comes to this here.
Maybe the one way you can be there for your friend is by setting a good example that might show him what is available to him if he resolves to get better.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I feel for ya FO. I think you do just what your doing. Be a good human being, keep tabs on the guy and say a prayer now and then. I've got a buddy who is in a similar boat. I reach out now and then to make sure he's still alive and around.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Thanks all.
He's ignoring me messages because I'm asking him what his plan is now. Reminding him of meetings. He knows I will urge him.... 'are you ready to change yet'?
I'll go check on him today.
His housemates are updating me on his general status.
I imagine he's probably maintenence drinking.... his pattern after a huge binge ending in the ER is to detox himself over a period of days or weeks.
It's terrible to watch. To know he's keeping himself in this cycle. He has so much potential and so much caring and love and good in him. But addiction and mental health issues have him.
He says he doesn't believe anything will work. He will always just drink again. He really seems to believe he has no choice.
Not long ago he said even if he could get sober what would be the point? Even if he had my life he couldn't be happy in it....
It's so damn sad.
He's ignoring me messages because I'm asking him what his plan is now. Reminding him of meetings. He knows I will urge him.... 'are you ready to change yet'?
I'll go check on him today.
His housemates are updating me on his general status.
I imagine he's probably maintenence drinking.... his pattern after a huge binge ending in the ER is to detox himself over a period of days or weeks.
It's terrible to watch. To know he's keeping himself in this cycle. He has so much potential and so much caring and love and good in him. But addiction and mental health issues have him.
He says he doesn't believe anything will work. He will always just drink again. He really seems to believe he has no choice.
Not long ago he said even if he could get sober what would be the point? Even if he had my life he couldn't be happy in it....
It's so damn sad.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,841
Sorry for your friend. I've been there and I know that no amount of lecturing was going to turn me around until I was good and ready. Hopefully your friend will be ready before it's too late.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
went to see him. holed up in a dingy apartment. on a bare mattress looking like hell. surrounded by marijuana, pill bottles, trash, food scraps, remnants of vomit. Barely came to for a bit... long enough to say he'd taken sleeping pills.
seems to be living in a home that's shared with sketchy characters. guy claims he's sober, but won't look me in the eye and acts funny... lives in a disheveled apartment with a guy half-dead upstairs....
A sketchy-looking woman came while I was there.... also wouldn't look me in the eye. Both rode off on bikes wobbly and looking rough. The guy commented "I donno whose bike this is, but i'm just gonna use it".
Needless to say, he doesn't strike me as a shining example of 'clean and sober'. And I really don't think there seems to be a lot of hope in that overall situation.
When my friend finally comes to and realizes he's lost his job, is out of drugs, living in a rathole, with (once again) no prospects..... what then? Does he go buy a gallon of vodka with the last dollars he's got? Does he take all the pills they gave him at the ER and see if that'll kill him? Does he wind up back on the street........
It's so awful to watch.
seems to be living in a home that's shared with sketchy characters. guy claims he's sober, but won't look me in the eye and acts funny... lives in a disheveled apartment with a guy half-dead upstairs....
A sketchy-looking woman came while I was there.... also wouldn't look me in the eye. Both rode off on bikes wobbly and looking rough. The guy commented "I donno whose bike this is, but i'm just gonna use it".
Needless to say, he doesn't strike me as a shining example of 'clean and sober'. And I really don't think there seems to be a lot of hope in that overall situation.
When my friend finally comes to and realizes he's lost his job, is out of drugs, living in a rathole, with (once again) no prospects..... what then? Does he go buy a gallon of vodka with the last dollars he's got? Does he take all the pills they gave him at the ER and see if that'll kill him? Does he wind up back on the street........
It's so awful to watch.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Originally Posted by FreeOwl 
went to see him. holed up in a dingy apartment. on a bare mattress looking like hell. surrounded by marijuana, pill bottles, trash, food scraps, remnants of vomit. Barely came to for a bit... long enough to say he'd taken sleeping pills.
seems to be living in a home that's shared with sketchy characters. guy claims he's sober, but won't look me in the eye and acts funny... lives in a disheveled apartment with a guy half-dead upstairs....
A sketchy-looking woman came while I was there.... also wouldn't look me in the eye. Both rode off on bikes wobbly and looking rough. The guy commented "I donno whose bike this is, but i'm just gonna use it".
Needless to say, he doesn't strike me as a shining example of 'clean and sober'. And I really don't think there seems to be a lot of hope in that overall situation.
When my friend finally comes to and realizes he's lost his job, is out of drugs, living in a rathole, with (once again) no prospects..... what then? Does he go buy a gallon of vodka with the last dollars he's got? Does he take all the pills they gave him at the ER and see if that'll kill him? Does he wind up back on the street........
It's so awful to watch.
seems to be living in a home that's shared with sketchy characters. guy claims he's sober, but won't look me in the eye and acts funny... lives in a disheveled apartment with a guy half-dead upstairs....
A sketchy-looking woman came while I was there.... also wouldn't look me in the eye. Both rode off on bikes wobbly and looking rough. The guy commented "I donno whose bike this is, but i'm just gonna use it".
Needless to say, he doesn't strike me as a shining example of 'clean and sober'. And I really don't think there seems to be a lot of hope in that overall situation.
When my friend finally comes to and realizes he's lost his job, is out of drugs, living in a rathole, with (once again) no prospects..... what then? Does he go buy a gallon of vodka with the last dollars he's got? Does he take all the pills they gave him at the ER and see if that'll kill him? Does he wind up back on the street........
It's so awful to watch.
Prayers continue.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I'm looking into options with some friends in local authorities and organizations.
He's been in and out of ER and Psych twice now in the 2 months he's been here....
Before that, a dozen or more times in his previous town.
Trouble is - he doesn't WANT help. Doesn't really WANT to change. Just wants to detox, make like everything is fine, and try to stay one step ahead of death.
He's been in and out of ER and Psych twice now in the 2 months he's been here....
Before that, a dozen or more times in his previous town.
Trouble is - he doesn't WANT help. Doesn't really WANT to change. Just wants to detox, make like everything is fine, and try to stay one step ahead of death.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
well.... thank you. Just trying to do what I can for a friend and for a fellow who still suffers.
Spoke with a local, pretty senior member of law enforcement. The place he's staying is a 'known address' and he confirmed my suspicions about the place being sketchy.
Unfortunately, apart from well being checks if he gets in really really bad shape, or involuntary petition if he's talking about self harm..... not much can be done.
I did note that he had paperwork for a local social and mental services org, so I'm contacting them to give some better background and context on his situation and history.
Spoke with a local, pretty senior member of law enforcement. The place he's staying is a 'known address' and he confirmed my suspicions about the place being sketchy.
Unfortunately, apart from well being checks if he gets in really really bad shape, or involuntary petition if he's talking about self harm..... not much can be done.
I did note that he had paperwork for a local social and mental services org, so I'm contacting them to give some better background and context on his situation and history.
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