Nikkabean326

Morning all - Had another drinking dream last night. I dreamed that for some reason I was stressed out, whether it be work, friends, relationships.. I'm not quite sure what it was in the dream, but I was surrounded by a lot of people, including my mother. She encouraged me to have a glass of wine. I didn't see myself drinking it in the dream, but the next time I looked down I had finished the glass. I felt so disappointed and get this - I actually saw my thought bubble in the dream. I saw myself typing "Day 1" in the subject line in my dream. Suddenly, I went to grab the whole bottle of wine that was on the table, but quickly yanked my hand away and shouted, "NO I CAN'T" and then I woke up.

My BF continues to be immensely supportive. It's tough to explain to him what is happening inside my head. He asked me if it would be okay if he brought a bottle of whiskey to the Memorial Day gathering we have planned in the next two weeks. He said we're a team and that he's my support. Both are true - but in this instance it feels different. We are still both individuals and these are my demons I'm battling. I'm figuring this out as I go along (with the help of SR, of course). He told me he's happy that I've begun this journey.. said he was worried about Memorial Day and how effed up I was going to get in a vacation home that's not ours and surrounded by our friends.. if I'd actually be able to enjoy it, or if the first night we get there I get so hammered that I'm hungover the whole next day. So - I told him he can bring whatever he wants. He shouldn't be punished from drinking normally because I can't.

I've been reluctant to say, "I don't drink" and I guess because saying those words just *feels* so final. It's recreating my identity around alcohol and that scares me a little bit. I was folding laundry, and thought about the last 2+ weeks, and the reality of not drinking felt more normal to me than it has. Day one I felt like I was fighting for my life (dramatic, I know.. but that's how it felt ) I felt like I was losing part of myself and overall being punished. I couldn't see what I'd gain in sobriety, but in such a short amount of time the haze is beginning to lift. Last night the words, "I don't drink" didn't feel as foreign to me as they once did.

So - onward and over. Tonight I will be home by myself with the cats as the BF is out of the house for the night. I'm going to take up one of your suggestions on my last post and curl up in bed with a movie that I wouldn't normally watch with him. I've got a blanket I'm working on and I'll fix myself a nice healthy dinner. A few housework things need to get done and I won't have much time for it this coming weekend. Kids birthday parties, the in-law's anniversary, etc..

I hope you all have a wonderful day. Thank you for how much support you offer. Clearly you're an important fixture in my recovery since I'm dreaming about you lol!

doggonecarl

If you can't say, "I don't drink," then the unstated message is, "One day I will." Don't leave the door open for drinking.

You've been coming to SR for a while, If you could drink normally, you would. You can't. Accept it, finally, and move on to embrace your sober life.

As for drinking dreams, I haven't had a drink for almost seven years and I occasionally still have drinking dreams. Heck, I drank for 35 years, I'd be surprised if I didn't have an occasional dream about it. In most of them, I'm always surprised, like I forgot I had quit drinking. In my last one, the dream was a convoluted search for some loophole that would allow me to drink and it be okay.

That's what your inability to accept the finality of your not drinking is--your addiction seeking a loophole.

Shitzupuppy

Wow, i sleep so heavily I don't remember any dreams! Never have!

Nikkabean326

I dream practically every single night. Sometimes I'll be walking throughout my day and I'll see a friend or family member and I'll suddenly remember the dream that I had had. Sometimes it's actually hard for me to distinguish whether the dream was reality! They can be so vivid sometimes. I sleep very well most nights.. 6 - 7 hours straight through the night. Dreaming usually begins when you enter REM sleep so yeah.. I'm a*s out lol

ScottFromWI

I actually had one of those dreams last night myself, and I'm about 4.5 years along my sober journey. I wouldn't read too much into it - as disconcerting as they can be, they are just dreams. And most of us have disconcerting dreams about all different things from time to time.

Carl makes a good point too - if you can't accept your addiction for what it is, you leave the door open for it to sneak back in. You are doing a great job and self admittedly seeing some of the benefits already - 18 days is fantastic but remember that it's very, very early. As addicts we tend to want/demand instant gratification...and part of getting sober is also accepting that it's unrealistic to have those kinds of expectation.

CreativeThinker

Great job on 18 days Nikki!

Be careful with the Memorial Day plans. Putting myself at this stage in my recovery in a situation with: vacation home, drinking friends and whiskey...I would be taking a huge risk with my sobriety.

I understand that you don't want to put a damper on your BF's fun, but there will be plenty of Memorial Days to enjoy in the future.

Nikkabean326

I have absolutely been leaving the door open for drinking. I can't figure out if it was intentionally or not, though. I guess, for me, not saying "I don't drink" was less restricting *in the moment* than if I were to say it. Does that make sense? In certain situations, with my personality, I tend to act like a caged animal when I feel enclosed. If I feel restricted, I tend to lash out and lose myself. I'm leaving the door open, but it's my choice to walk through it or not. I'm not panicked, because I'm in control. Though.. if I was fully in control, I wouldn't be here writing every morning to keep my sanity. I think AV might be telling me to keep that door open. There's it's loophole. Interesting! Well, I just did a complete 180 in this comment. You're right.. I need to shut the door. That petrifies me. I've been doing well, but I have definitely kept that avenue clear of any mind blocks..

Nikkabean326

I truly do appreciate the advice and I am working on a plan for myself. It's not going to be much of a booze filled weekend to begin with. Half of the people we're vacationing with are health nuts. We're heading upstate NY and crossing the border to MA to go hiking and find this secret destination waterfall. The nights will be filled with bon fires and card games. We'll be on a lake, so we'll be canoeing, kayaking and hopefully swimming it he weather is warm enough! Tennis courts, cornhole.. lots of activities. On my down time I'm bringing my crochet hook to work up some new projects while chatting with my lady friends. I feel very confident, but I feel like I'm going into this with a clearer mind and certain expectations on what this weekend will bring. I'll probably still write here each morning I'm there as well.. just to keep myself together =P

PhoenixJ

just remember- dreams cannot hurt you. when I dream- I run through a quick grounding for the day- open curtains, go outside look around for a few minutes. dreams are the brain doing re-runs, rewiring- doing what the hell know what. They do not hurt. Keep posting. Support to you, PJ.

tomsteve

glad youre realizing all this.
denial had me believing everything was good and I was in control.
humility helped me see I wasn't.

Nikkabean326

I look at my dreams as a good thing. In most cases when I dream about something, it means I'm serious about whatever it is. My reaction in the dream when I realized I slipped is proof in itself. I was devastated. It's a pretty shocking feeling when I wake up from it and I have to get right with myself for a moment though!

HTown

Well you BF is very honest. Everytime you think of drinking, re-read what you just wrote. You and he deserve more than "that drinking Nikka" persona. Re-create yourself, hell yes!

Mags1

Hi Nikkabean, I dreamt a lot about drinking when I stopped and woke up with such a relief that I was sober and it was a dream! I still have them occasionally but then again, I dream a lot so I guess there's bound to be a booze one in there sometimes, I guess!

We are similar as in, I don't like being in locked places either! But I found out that stopping drinking really gave me freedom, gave me my life back! The only prison I had was alcohol.

I hope you have a good holiday, sounds great!