elisha82

I am slowly declining into the abyss, just as i sunk into alcoholism bit by bit i now find myself sinking further & further into depression. I never thought i would become an alcoholic but here i am, a short wile ago i didnt think i was the type of person that would commit suicide, but now im not so sure. Let me say that i dont want to die but i just want the pain to stop. Every day i wake up the same, i dont look forward to anything, i intellectually know i have so much i should be grateful for, got engaged last year, had a beautiful baby, have a good job nd a loving boyfriend, but nothing makes me excited anymore. Dont really care about anything or anyone except my baby, at the minute i fantasise about killing myself but i know i dont have the courage, but i know from my descent into alcoholism that its only a matter of time. I need someone to talk to, i dont expect anyone to feel sorry for me, its just my last ditch attempt to save myself.

Thank u for reading anyone that does x

Dee74

For the sake of yourself, and your baby you should really look at all your options Elisha - seeing a Dr or a counsellor, or chcking out A or some iother kind of recovery group. Maybe even inpatient or outpatient rehab could be an aoption?

I understand those are all scary things to consider, but not doing anythign about this - thats when the real teror starts.

You dob;t deserve that.

There is life after drinking - you just have to ask for help and make the commitment to change

D

jaynie04

Hi elisha. It is great that you are asking for help, I think feeling alone when you are in such a tough place only adds to what you are feeling. Feeling flat and sad was the biggest challenge for me too and I think we are hard on ourselves when we can't figure out a reason for so blue.

Drinking might feel like relief in the short term but it ends up pushing us further into despair, it has a chemical effect that depresses us. You mention a baby, have you talked to a doctor about post-partum depression?

I self medicated for years trying to figure out a way to feel normal. I suffer from depression, as well as anxiety. Alcohol definitely made everything worse.

I take an antidepressant. It doesn't change who I am, but without it I feel flat, I think it is called anhedonia. I know what it feels like to feel stuck and hopeless, and the day I made a call to a doctor and got honest about my drinking and my feelings was the day my life began to change. I had a lot of good things in my life too before I got sober, and I feel grateful that I took steps to ensure that I would not lose those things.

Please stick around, maybe consider joining the May class, it helps to be part of a group of people who really do understand what you feel. Posting today was a really good thing because there are so many of us who are here to support you!

PhoenixJ

See a doctor- post natal depression is crap. I have seen it- and I worry for you. You are not alone- get help..GO TO A MEETING. Any sort of contact with people who listen may help you. Keep posting.
Empathy and support to you. If you are feeling suicidal now- tell someone- go to a hospital. YOU ARE NOT ALONE...

FreeOwl

Hi...


We're here to help, and we care.....

This is a great place to find solace, support, community.

That said - the tone of your post is troubling and I'd like to remind and encourage you that 'in real life', face-to-face human connection is really important, too.

It sounds to me like you would really benefit from having a good counselor, and I hope you'll get to AA meetings or SMART recovery or any other form of group interchange you may be comfortable with - focused on recovery.

It's really key to have CONNECTION. Also, look for volunteer work. Service to others is a way to engage with groups and to introduce purpose to your life.

You can change this, you can make your life a much more rewarding, abundant and happy place to be. It does take choice and it does take action - it's not 'easy'.... but once you get rolling you'll be amazed at how it builds.

Treerat66

Hi elisha82,
I started a course of antidepressants on Tuesday and already feel so much better.

Femaleboss1980

Ask your dr for a mild anti depressant you need to work on that first, alcohol only adds to depression and anit dep wont work if you drink
We are here for you big hug keep posting x

elisha82

Thank you all for responding

Its amazing really that total strangers like yourself will reach out when my own family & friends who ive helped out over the years just abandoned me, granted they are not mind readers, nd i am very good at hiding stuff! Wat u all say makes sense but i cannot see myself going to a doctor or anyone else, i myself work as a nurse nd i know exactly how patients that come in for detoxing are thought of. I have thought about anti depressants but i know its the drink that is the root cause of it all. Only i cant stop so its a vicious cycle! I feel very alone in life, i used to have friends but weve all outgrown each other. All i have no now is my bf & baby, nd it gets very lonely during the day! I hate being around me so why would anyone else want to, i even feel so pathetic writing this.

PhoenixJ

I was a nurse for a long time. I understand that stigma. Go to another doctor- alcohol also masks depression- as that is an effect of it as well. Yes- stop drinking, but I still persist in suggesting seeing a doctor (go to one where you are not known- I did) about possible not related alcohol depression. You are not alone. My drinking has seen me abandoned by my whole family. Wife (going thru divorce) my 2 adult sons (who I love) and my bro- which is pretty much all the family I have. SR is good for passing the wee haours to stay sane. Meetings will help too. I often find myself wanting to fall asleep, but just being around people, a connection is good. You are not alone.
More support to you.