The Pain of understanding
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 7
The Pain of understanding
I can't understand or even come to understand how someone I love and loved so much could change in such a short period of time. I have given so much to my wife throughout her battle with her addiction and even her infidelity and now she's just turned her back on me. She is new to recovery and I have read that they should avoid relationships for the first year or so. Is it normal for her to just drop me? She says that she wants to do things on her own it appears to me that she is trying to prove to me and herself that she doesn't need me but for what? She has clung on to one of her friends and she seems to be her new addiction she spends all of her time with her and is even moving in there. Everything I suggest to her or try to talk with her about she will do with someone else just not me. She is so nasty to me and won't even talk to me but will spill her heart out to a stranger. One day she is done the next she isn't all of these "I'm done" from her and the back and forth but still no paperwork. I continue to do research to try and understand her. I have come to the conclusion that I am going to give her space and focus on myself. I've read this stage may last a while I am just she comes around before my PCS being dual military in the past I would have thought she would support me when she got out but this addiction of hers has taken her away from me and ultimately everything in her life and somehow it is all my fault in her head I am the reason everything has happened. I hate to be morbid or only to post negative things. But I just thought I would vent for the day, sometimes I feel as if I am the only one who goes through this. I feel like I am the only one that thinks of her. Like she doesn't care, why does she fight herself? Why doesn't she demonstrate the love for me she always had claimed she had. How long do I have to wait?
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
You are definitely not alone in this! If she is new in her recovery there is a lot of muck and emotions for her to figure out.
You are doing the right thing in that you are focusing on you. There is nothing you can do to change her thoughts, feelings and actions. You can learn to love her for where she is at but at some point you have to ask yourself, when is enough enough?
Taking care of yourself means looking up how to support YOURSELF and where and when you need to draw boundaries to keep yourself sage and healthy.
I am really sorry for the situation you're in but I hope you look within and find you are worth more than you are getting, most importantly what you are giving and taking from yourself. You matter as you control yourself. She is not in your scope of being able to control or change.
I highly recommend you check out the friends and family support forum on here. You will get some phenomenal feedback and support.
Please take care of yourself, you really do deserve better and she just may not be able to give what you need right now.
You are doing the right thing in that you are focusing on you. There is nothing you can do to change her thoughts, feelings and actions. You can learn to love her for where she is at but at some point you have to ask yourself, when is enough enough?
Taking care of yourself means looking up how to support YOURSELF and where and when you need to draw boundaries to keep yourself sage and healthy.
I am really sorry for the situation you're in but I hope you look within and find you are worth more than you are getting, most importantly what you are giving and taking from yourself. You matter as you control yourself. She is not in your scope of being able to control or change.
I highly recommend you check out the friends and family support forum on here. You will get some phenomenal feedback and support.
Please take care of yourself, you really do deserve better and she just may not be able to give what you need right now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 7
I am extremely new to this site but when I get a chance I will mess around with it to figure out how to get to that forum and do some reading. Thank you for your time in responding. It's nice to know someone is always out there.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
The suggestion of no relationships for a year is just a suggestion and it doesn't mean for relationships that are already in existence.
It seems like your wife is seeking space for herself, hopefully to recover. How long you have to wait is really up to you. How long do you want to wait? Your plan to work on yourself is a good one. You might check out AlAnon in your area for support for you. Following is the link for Friends & Families of Alcoholics which you might like to take a look at:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
It seems like your wife is seeking space for herself, hopefully to recover. How long you have to wait is really up to you. How long do you want to wait? Your plan to work on yourself is a good one. You might check out AlAnon in your area for support for you. Following is the link for Friends & Families of Alcoholics which you might like to take a look at:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi norrink, I don't typically weigh in on relationship issues but yours struck a chord with me. I believe I've been around people like your wife and its a very tough situation. Its all about her, and until that changes, it will continue to always be about her and you'll be trying to fix something that may not be fixable. She sounds like she's throwing an adult tantrum and time may be the only thing to resolve it. I wish you the best.
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