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Giving up on ever being able to drink normally

Old 10-17-2004, 12:36 PM
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Unhappy Giving up on ever being able to drink normally

This is my first post, but I've reading in the forums for several weeks now. I have been drinking daily for close to twenty years, except for a short sobriety ten years ago, an even shorter one eight years ago, and 18 days which I broke last night, probably because I was feeling so great, and just needed a reminder of how little talent I have for drinking. So, today day 1 again, I went to an AA meeting this am (I've been to a few over the past 18 days, and they help tremendously) I am pitifully shy though and havent raised my hand when they ask if newcomers are present. So naturally I have not availed myself of lists, numbers, support etc. But I will need to. I went through a 4 day detox which was hell 14 days ago, and now I get to relive that... I need this forum desperately to help me get out of my shell, and to ask for help. You all seem so wonderful in the posts that I read, I need to avail myself of all your collective wisdom... First, when I start to feel better is when I want to drink, not when I am down....What should I do when the chatter in my mind is urging me to drink a beer (really, 9 to 10 usually)??? I should mention I am a solitary drinker, and being alone is when it hits me... I know intellectually that I will feel like hell, but I appear as I did yesterday to just discount that and go ahead. Unbelievable how pathetic and utterly powerless I am, and determined to keep living this misery.... You, guys...HELP!!!
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Old 10-17-2004, 01:34 PM
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Red face

Hey Rookie--Welcome to SR. Try not to beat yourself up too much for slipping up last night. It happens. Just get back up and get in to recovery. It's good that you went to an AA meeting this morning. Is there another one you could go to tonite? I have seen the most success from people who go to at least one meeting a day for the first three months or so. I know it seems like a lot, but if you compare it to the time you spent thinking about drinking, drinking, and recovering from drinking, it doesn't seem so bad. Also, as you said, you need to introduce yourself in a meeting and ask for help. Perhaps you could go early one time and find someone before the meeting to give you moral support (that way you will have approached at least one person before you address the whole group.) All the people in those meetings are going to want to do is to help you. And by helping you, they also help themselves.

Hang in there and keep posting.

Hugs--
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Old 10-17-2004, 02:13 PM
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Welcome Rookie

I know where you are today as it has been awhile but I remember it like it was yesterday. I equivocate it to driving a nail. It took me many times over 20+ years of daily drinking until I finally got it right earlier this year. Now what I mean by "getting it right" is not drinking, craving one (or 30) or even thinking about one in my day or night. I could go on forever trying to help you and educate you but the fact of the matter is that you have to find what works for you and work it FOR you. Only you can make that decision. It is MY decision whether to take a sip, buy a six pack or walk into a bar and I have simply no interest in it anymore, at all. The example of a nail and hammer is that rarely if ever does anyone hit the nail square on the head and drive it home the first swing. You have to keep pounding and it depends on the size of the nail, what you are driving it into, the size of the hammer and most importantly the strength of the person swinging it. What does all that mean....???

The Nail-You can never drink like "normal". 1 is too many and 30 is not enough.
The Board-Your mind, body and soul.
The Hammer-The tools that you use whether it is aa or na or this forum. Look at carpenters or handymen, each has a different brand and type/size. It depends on personal preference and what "works" for you.
The Swing-The desire and drive to quit. It doesn't matter how many times you miss the nail, it matters how many you hit it. In other words no matter how many times you miss, realign and keep swinging. Yes, it is going to hurt like hell when you miss (slip) but you will never drive it home (quit) if you stop swinging.
Just my two cents worth...what I can tell you is that I am sober and loving life even when things are not so good.
Peace and Prayers,
Roy
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Old 10-19-2004, 02:00 PM
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THanks, Lulu and tryinagain! I did get to another meeting and am doing my damndest to do 90 in 90. I spoke at a women's group and it was great, I am feeling on my feet, and I making the commitment to AA, as without I'm sunk in the depths of the great ethanol sea! I keep you updated, so far so good!!!
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Old 10-19-2004, 02:37 PM
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Rookie,
Welcome to SR.
I like Roy's analogy. It makes sense. Never quit trying. It takes some of us a while before we get it, and others get it the first time. I have met a few people in AA who never went back out, then there's people like me, who have been around since 92 and just now got the message. Nov 1st will be 6 months. The difference this time, is that I reached out for help. I did 90+ in 90 days, and I still go to a meeting every day. They are my source of strength. You can do this, just be honest, open minded and willing to change.

Love and Hugs.......Sherry
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Old 10-19-2004, 03:12 PM
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giving up

Originally Posted by rookie
when I start to feel better is when I want to drink, not when I am down
That is something that baffled me for the longest time. My sponsor says that there are 2 things that an Alcoholic can't stand, success and failure. When things are good, I think that a piece of crap like me doesn't deserve it. And when things are bad, poor me (pour me another drink).

The fact is, that I don't deserve the blessings that I have, or the multitude of chances that I have had with my family, after a multitude of relapses and arrests. And I never will.

But today, I can accept that.

I also remember in earlier sobriety, that when the fog was clearing, and I started to feel physically good, mentally I was a wreck.

The best way that to describe it is that I felt haunted. I had so much emotional and mental garbage, that I just couldn't "take out the trash" so to speak. Because whever I go, there I am.

The only way that I was able to rid myself of the goasts of Guterdrunks past, was to work the steps, all of them. I lived in misery for many years putting it off, but I finally was in enough pain, that I was willing to try anything.

And today, today I am FREE !
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Old 10-19-2004, 03:21 PM
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(((((((Rookie :rose ))))))))
We in AA are here with the Life-Preserver!
Great to hear you making it so far so good.

:tri grab ahold me matey Ship sails no matter the winds that blow.
Three Legs
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Old 10-19-2004, 03:57 PM
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Hey Rookie

Welcome and Glad you are here!!

You have a familiar story and as it has already been said, we are ALL here for you!!


Keep posting and keep going to the meetings. Don't worry about talking at them until you feel ready!!

The success and failure issue that gutter so neatly put really hits home with me.

Hugs, Jalyn
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Old 10-19-2004, 05:26 PM
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The hardest time for me was when I was feeling better. I never thought that I had alcoholism licked, I just felt better. But in my brain I thought it was OK to drink. I've had too many "It's OK's". Now I just focus on, "I feel better. It's good. Be still."
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