Venting...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 5
Venting...
Been lurking on this site for a while and have decided to post finally.
Here's my story: I think my husband is a functional alcoholic. Ever since we've been married (3 years), I can't remember a time where we have not had alcohol in our house, which is fine by me, but I realize he's been drinking way more than I ever thought he was. His tolerance has increased over the years. Every event for him has been an excuse to have alcohol. We go out with friends? Pregame is a must. We go to a restaurant? At least one drink has to be ordered.
For obvious reasons I don't want to post too many details but he's driven tipsy at least 1 time (he didn't know he was tipsy until we got in the car). He's driven after driving plenty of times for sure but "never enough to affect his driving", according to him, maybe after 2 beers, 2 glasses of wine, etc. It is just not something I would do ever (drive after drinking).
What is really concerning to me is how he was hiding his alcohol and I was completely unaware of this until I started paying attention to how much he was drinking. He's bought alcohol to refill bottles so I wouldn't notice and of course I did because I've been observant lately. I've found bottles hidden in his nightstand. It's happened a few times.
We had a conversation and I asked him not to hide alcohol from me because I'd rather he just drink in front of me and I won't judge unless he is blatanly drunk all the time. Last time I caught him lying was after that conversation; he drank a bunch and refilled a bottle so I wouldn't notice. Called him on his bs and he promised to just be honest about it from now on.
He's not abusive, but I feel he's just drowning some internal issues with alcohol and is continuing to hide his usage. We share a bank account and I've noticed frequent withdrawals and it's gotten me to wondering if he is buying alcohol with cash now instead of a card so I don't see his purchases.
Just wondering does it get better or worse? We don't have kids and I don't want to start having kids until I know for sure he would be responsible about his drinking but I haven't seen that yet. I've read this is progressive and I can see how it has progressed in him, but I'm tired of the see-saw conversations we keep having about this.
Here's my story: I think my husband is a functional alcoholic. Ever since we've been married (3 years), I can't remember a time where we have not had alcohol in our house, which is fine by me, but I realize he's been drinking way more than I ever thought he was. His tolerance has increased over the years. Every event for him has been an excuse to have alcohol. We go out with friends? Pregame is a must. We go to a restaurant? At least one drink has to be ordered.
For obvious reasons I don't want to post too many details but he's driven tipsy at least 1 time (he didn't know he was tipsy until we got in the car). He's driven after driving plenty of times for sure but "never enough to affect his driving", according to him, maybe after 2 beers, 2 glasses of wine, etc. It is just not something I would do ever (drive after drinking).
What is really concerning to me is how he was hiding his alcohol and I was completely unaware of this until I started paying attention to how much he was drinking. He's bought alcohol to refill bottles so I wouldn't notice and of course I did because I've been observant lately. I've found bottles hidden in his nightstand. It's happened a few times.
We had a conversation and I asked him not to hide alcohol from me because I'd rather he just drink in front of me and I won't judge unless he is blatanly drunk all the time. Last time I caught him lying was after that conversation; he drank a bunch and refilled a bottle so I wouldn't notice. Called him on his bs and he promised to just be honest about it from now on.
He's not abusive, but I feel he's just drowning some internal issues with alcohol and is continuing to hide his usage. We share a bank account and I've noticed frequent withdrawals and it's gotten me to wondering if he is buying alcohol with cash now instead of a card so I don't see his purchases.
Just wondering does it get better or worse? We don't have kids and I don't want to start having kids until I know for sure he would be responsible about his drinking but I haven't seen that yet. I've read this is progressive and I can see how it has progressed in him, but I'm tired of the see-saw conversations we keep having about this.
Nothing Left to do but Smile.
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 808
I hate to say it, but he is exhibiting the same behaviors I was when I was drinking. I don't think it will get better unless he quits completely. Just my opinion. I certainly would hold off on kids.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 188
If you hide alcohol then you are an alcoholic. It does not matter if you can go days without.
His story is exactly like mine. Read my post and see. The only difference is I realised the problem and was wanting to fix it.
The only thing that helped me after trying so much was for my wife and I, as newlyweds, to see a counselor. This brought to the surface the "why" I was drinking alcoholicly. It was so much easire after that.
His story is exactly like mine. Read my post and see. The only difference is I realised the problem and was wanting to fix it.
The only thing that helped me after trying so much was for my wife and I, as newlyweds, to see a counselor. This brought to the surface the "why" I was drinking alcoholicly. It was so much easire after that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 5
Just read through your posts. I'm glad it has a good ending and that's it's going well for you. Thank you for taking time to respond.
He has said he's willing to get help if he sees the problem is out of control. I just don't think he has realized it's already out of his control if he's hiding it. I agree with you, best thing to do would be stop drinking. But how can I ask him that? It's easy for me to say that, I really only drink socially, have probably only been drunk 2 or 3 times in my life and don't really plan on getting drunk again.
I just don't know what to do or what to say to him, but from reading posts here, I know there's nothing I can do or say.
He has said he's willing to get help if he sees the problem is out of control. I just don't think he has realized it's already out of his control if he's hiding it. I agree with you, best thing to do would be stop drinking. But how can I ask him that? It's easy for me to say that, I really only drink socially, have probably only been drunk 2 or 3 times in my life and don't really plan on getting drunk again.
I just don't know what to do or what to say to him, but from reading posts here, I know there's nothing I can do or say.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by Confusedaf 
he drank a bunch and refilled a bottle so I wouldn't notice. Called him on his bs and he promised to just be honest about it from now on.
I lied because in my mind I was protecting my wife. I wanted to drink without her worrying about how much I was drinking. I was totally delusional about the fact that how much I was drinking was a problem - whether my wife knew about it or not.
Set boundaries. Enforce the boundaries. The alcoholic living in his head won't like it, but it's the best thing you can do.
Best of Luck on Your Journey.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by confusedaf
He's driven after driving plenty of times for sure but "never enough to affect his driving", according to him, maybe after 2 beers, 2 glasses of wine, etc.
Called him on his bs and he promised to just be honest about it from now on.
Just wondering does it get better or worse?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by soberlicious
Well, unfortunately for him, the law does not allow for "according to him". In all 50 states, a BAC of .08 is considered impaired and there are often enhanced penalties for BACs of .15 or higher. The actual penalties for DUI can vary greatly from state to state. Many would feel as if they are fine to drive at a .08, but the law states otherwise.
I promised the same many times. Really, I just got better at hiding it.
It only got better for me when I quit drinking for good.
I promised the same many times. Really, I just got better at hiding it.
It only got better for me when I quit drinking for good.
It's what I'm afraid of too, how he's still trying to find ways to drink when in reality he knows if he allows himself to drink, he will over drink as he's done before. To me, the simplest solution would be to stop drinking. But he legitimately does not think he has a drinking problem, even after I've explained to him how I believe he's a functional alcoholic.
I just don't know how long he can keep it up because it's kind of tiring. He'll binge drink for a week or 2, lie about how much he drank, then stop, then repeat in a month. I don't know what my breaking point is but I know I'm reaching it.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by confusedaf
But he legitimately does not think he has a drinking problem
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 188
He knows he has a problem. He will not change a thing though until its not fun anymore. Most of us here quit when we wanted to not when others wanted us to.
If he is to the point of hiding it then he is most likely sad and ashamed. It probably will take something bad happening.
When it does demand counseling. Its all that helped me.
If he is to the point of hiding it then he is most likely sad and ashamed. It probably will take something bad happening.
When it does demand counseling. Its all that helped me.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
i kept it up for decades. secretive drinking, hidden.
and i protected my future drinking by all kinds of convoluted reasoning, which didn't match reality.
setting boundaries is the wy to go.
boundaries are not the same as expectations of him, though...they are about you, and what you will allow in your life, to enter into it.
have you checked out the Friends and Families sections farther down?
lots of folk with experience of similar situations.
and i protected my future drinking by all kinds of convoluted reasoning, which didn't match reality.
setting boundaries is the wy to go.
boundaries are not the same as expectations of him, though...they are about you, and what you will allow in your life, to enter into it.
have you checked out the Friends and Families sections farther down?
lots of folk with experience of similar situations.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by fini
i kept it up for decades. secretive drinking, hidden.
and i protected my future drinking by all kinds of convoluted reasoning, which didn't match reality.
setting boundaries is the wy to go.
boundaries are not the same as expectations of him, though...they are about you, and what you will allow in your life, to enter into it.
have you checked out the Friends and Families sections farther down?
lots of folk with experience of similar situations.
and i protected my future drinking by all kinds of convoluted reasoning, which didn't match reality.
setting boundaries is the wy to go.
boundaries are not the same as expectations of him, though...they are about you, and what you will allow in your life, to enter into it.
have you checked out the Friends and Families sections farther down?
lots of folk with experience of similar situations.
How can I set boundaries while still being a loving wife? He's not abusive when he drinks, just annoying. I would love for him to stop drinking but I am also not sure it's fair to ask that of him since he is not abusive and the drinking has not affected him in his job.
It's the act of dishonesty more than anything that bothers me. It makes me think something is seriously wrong and that he is just continuing to hide alcohol and disregarding me and our conversations about this.
I guess at this point this is just venting. It's incredibly frustrating to live with a dishonest person.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by Confusedaf
. It's incredibly frustrating to live with a dishonest person.
This struck a cord with me as I am in recovery as well. I must keep reminding myself that he is sick and while he may not be on the same mindset as me right now...it doesn't mean that will be the case forever.
On the upside, my husband said that he "knows" that he shouldn't be hiding his drinking from me...he thinks of how I am doing so well and he should be following my lead. A lot of "Shoulda, Coulda"...
All I can do at this point is continue to "be the change" and hope that he will eventually commit honestly and openly to his own recovery.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
something IS seriously wrong.
More than one thing, actually.
setting boundaries doesn't preclude being loving...boundaries are about what you are willing to have in your life and what NOT.
Asking him not to drink is not a boundary, but letting him know and showing him you will not be in the car with him when he has been drinking, or un-sharing your bank account and taking care of your own finances... those are boundaries.
you will get much good conversation about this in the F+F section...not trying to chase you away, just trying to make sure you find the most likely support place.
More than one thing, actually.
setting boundaries doesn't preclude being loving...boundaries are about what you are willing to have in your life and what NOT.
Asking him not to drink is not a boundary, but letting him know and showing him you will not be in the car with him when he has been drinking, or un-sharing your bank account and taking care of your own finances... those are boundaries.
you will get much good conversation about this in the F+F section...not trying to chase you away, just trying to make sure you find the most likely support place.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
