AH is 2.5 weeks clean
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 3
AH is 2.5 weeks clean
Stumbled across this forum. My hubby is a recovering alcoholic. Lately he has been really struggling. I've been supporting him and letting him attend as many meetings as he feels he needs to. I stand back. Take care of the home and the kids. I am excited he is cleaning up his side of the street but...
Now he is trying to control me. Telling me I need to go to Al-anon meetings. I told him I will go when I am comfortable. Last night he said its Friday aren't you going to a meeting. I said no, I already said I'd go when I'm comfortable. He reverted to acting like a child. Turning a cold shoulder to me and not talking to me. It's been 2 days of this behaviour.
Is this normal? He's done this to me often in the past. When he's mad at me, he acts like a child. I already have 3 children to care for. I don't have the patience or time for another one. 😣
If anyone has any insight I'd love to hear.
Now he is trying to control me. Telling me I need to go to Al-anon meetings. I told him I will go when I am comfortable. Last night he said its Friday aren't you going to a meeting. I said no, I already said I'd go when I'm comfortable. He reverted to acting like a child. Turning a cold shoulder to me and not talking to me. It's been 2 days of this behaviour.
Is this normal? He's done this to me often in the past. When he's mad at me, he acts like a child. I already have 3 children to care for. I don't have the patience or time for another one. 😣
If anyone has any insight I'd love to hear.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, BDW. Welcome to SR.
We are all over the place mentally in early sobriety.
Not sure where this controlling behavior is coming from with regard to your spouse. Maybe he is hearing things in his meetings and he brings it home to you.
Has he always been on the controlling side?
Good luck. Keep your boundaries in place. No one should be telling you to go to a meeting, and getting mad when you say you don't want to.
Maybe his talking to you can be considered a positive? At least you don't have to listen to his nonsense.
Take care of yourself and the children. Peace.
We are all over the place mentally in early sobriety.
Not sure where this controlling behavior is coming from with regard to your spouse. Maybe he is hearing things in his meetings and he brings it home to you.
Has he always been on the controlling side?
Good luck. Keep your boundaries in place. No one should be telling you to go to a meeting, and getting mad when you say you don't want to.
Maybe his talking to you can be considered a positive? At least you don't have to listen to his nonsense.
Take care of yourself and the children. Peace.
My brain is trying to kill me
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Palo Alto, ca
Posts: 401
Hello BDW, 6 year AA, 5 year Alanon ex Husband here.
If he's goingto meetings AND listening it's not showing! Does he have a sponsor, working the steps? I'm not a promoter of AA just someone who has found 12 step works if we work it, and the best part is we get to take what WE NEED and leave the rest. We have proven unable to do "IT" on our own
We all must find our own way through recovery; regardless of what side of the street/fence we're on this is a disease that is self diagnosed and treated.
Alanon is founded on the 3 C's, we didn't cause it, can't control it, nor cure it.
It's just my opinion, BUT....His trying to control you will result in him gaining a resentment, that will lead to him blaming you, making an excuse for himself while blaming you, becoming the victim, and picking up AGAIN.
When things have 'run the course' and he does 'hit bottom' only then will he be ready for the honesty, humility and acceptance that allows us to utilize the principles of recovery.
You can only control YOU; the best thing we can do is be equipped to do that, and then we can take best care of those dependent on us.
AH needs to focus on his recovery.
Hope this helps!
If he's goingto meetings AND listening it's not showing! Does he have a sponsor, working the steps? I'm not a promoter of AA just someone who has found 12 step works if we work it, and the best part is we get to take what WE NEED and leave the rest. We have proven unable to do "IT" on our own
We all must find our own way through recovery; regardless of what side of the street/fence we're on this is a disease that is self diagnosed and treated.
Alanon is founded on the 3 C's, we didn't cause it, can't control it, nor cure it.
It's just my opinion, BUT....His trying to control you will result in him gaining a resentment, that will lead to him blaming you, making an excuse for himself while blaming you, becoming the victim, and picking up AGAIN.
When things have 'run the course' and he does 'hit bottom' only then will he be ready for the honesty, humility and acceptance that allows us to utilize the principles of recovery.
You can only control YOU; the best thing we can do is be equipped to do that, and then we can take best care of those dependent on us.
AH needs to focus on his recovery.
Hope this helps!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Has he decided to get clean on his own, or did you somewhat push him into it?
It's hard to say what his reasoning is. If you were an enabler/codependent, then going to alanon would be very beneficial for both of you to get your issues together at the same time, though if not, then there is no reason why you so feel forced to go to anything you don't want to.
It's hard to say what his reasoning is. If you were an enabler/codependent, then going to alanon would be very beneficial for both of you to get your issues together at the same time, though if not, then there is no reason why you so feel forced to go to anything you don't want to.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Welcome!
When I began recovery, I focused on healing myself and being the best wife and mother I could be. I did not ever ask my husband to change himself in any way. I hope you stay firm in what you believe is right for you.
When I began recovery, I focused on healing myself and being the best wife and mother I could be. I did not ever ask my husband to change himself in any way. I hope you stay firm in what you believe is right for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Hi and welcome brokendownwife
I guess the best spin on this is he wants you to have support and to recover too.
By his reaction, sounds like he needs to focus on himself and his own recovery a little more tho.
D
I guess the best spin on this is he wants you to have support and to recover too.
By his reaction, sounds like he needs to focus on himself and his own recovery a little more tho.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 3
Thanks everyone. He's been really messing with my mind. And no, I did not push him into recovery. I chose to start working on myself. Seeking help from a miserable marriage of 7 years. I decided I wanted to separate from him. That is when he checked into an AA meeting and has been attending.
A bit of history, I am a medical cannabis patient. I suffer from arthritis and anxiety due to pain. Anyways, I'm followed by 3 doctors who approve of this treatment for me as opposed to opiates etc. RAH has always been supportive. Before I saw a professional he used to go buy my cannabis for me. I was tired of the feeling "high" and that is when I saw my doctor about medical. Now I can choose strains that are dedicated for pain and not the high. RAH also wants to start a business helping people with pain by using medical cannabis. He does not use himself. Fast forward to yesterday. There was a cannabis expo, which he got me a free ticket to attend and encouraged me to go. After his encouragement he said, if you're high when you get home I don't want to be around you it makes me uncomfortable. I explained again (as I have numerous times) about the CBD to THC ratio and how CBD doesn't get me high and I can control my dosing etc. I know what it's like being in a room with someone incoherent! I don't like to do that to someone else. I left it at that and told him I understand his decision. Last night I came home, brought him supper which he didn't eat, tucked in the kids. I poured myself a low dose of tea. The effects of the tea help me sleep. I haven't been sleeping well because of all this recovery and mood swings and emotional roller coaster. I already have anemia and am so tired so any aid which relaxes my anxiety without the high helps. I do not believe in pharmaceuticals. Anyways, he saw my tea and said, well I'm not hanging out with you cause you're doing your thing. I said, taking my medicine? I explained the low dose and he just wouldn't hear it. So instead of arguing I said ok, good night.
Now I'm in between a rock and a hard place. I've done extensive damage in my younger years to my leg and back requiring numerous surgeries. Pharmaceuticals have had me addicted and have caused other medical problems for me in the past. Onset of IBS. Unfortunately arthritis is my life. He knew that when we met.
What I don't understand is the support of learning more about it and encouraging me to go to an Expo and wanting to start a company but he's unsupportive of it for me?? I feel like I'm being played and I'm sad and I don't like it.
A bit of history, I am a medical cannabis patient. I suffer from arthritis and anxiety due to pain. Anyways, I'm followed by 3 doctors who approve of this treatment for me as opposed to opiates etc. RAH has always been supportive. Before I saw a professional he used to go buy my cannabis for me. I was tired of the feeling "high" and that is when I saw my doctor about medical. Now I can choose strains that are dedicated for pain and not the high. RAH also wants to start a business helping people with pain by using medical cannabis. He does not use himself. Fast forward to yesterday. There was a cannabis expo, which he got me a free ticket to attend and encouraged me to go. After his encouragement he said, if you're high when you get home I don't want to be around you it makes me uncomfortable. I explained again (as I have numerous times) about the CBD to THC ratio and how CBD doesn't get me high and I can control my dosing etc. I know what it's like being in a room with someone incoherent! I don't like to do that to someone else. I left it at that and told him I understand his decision. Last night I came home, brought him supper which he didn't eat, tucked in the kids. I poured myself a low dose of tea. The effects of the tea help me sleep. I haven't been sleeping well because of all this recovery and mood swings and emotional roller coaster. I already have anemia and am so tired so any aid which relaxes my anxiety without the high helps. I do not believe in pharmaceuticals. Anyways, he saw my tea and said, well I'm not hanging out with you cause you're doing your thing. I said, taking my medicine? I explained the low dose and he just wouldn't hear it. So instead of arguing I said ok, good night.
Now I'm in between a rock and a hard place. I've done extensive damage in my younger years to my leg and back requiring numerous surgeries. Pharmaceuticals have had me addicted and have caused other medical problems for me in the past. Onset of IBS. Unfortunately arthritis is my life. He knew that when we met.
What I don't understand is the support of learning more about it and encouraging me to go to an Expo and wanting to start a company but he's unsupportive of it for me?? I feel like I'm being played and I'm sad and I don't like it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 3
And he has been eating very little if at all. Not just last night but for about 3 days. No nutritious full meals. I haven't said anything but I know food plays a role in getting better and with moods. Is that normal for someone in recovery?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I think he is equating MJ use to alcohol, if i am reading this correctly? As you have said, the use of MJ is for your chronic pain. The use of alcohol is for another reason entirely. Are the two of you willing to go to talk with someone about these issues and find a resolve?
I am sorry that you are dealing with chronic pain, three children and then an adult who is having trouble focusing on his recovery and health. Please keep posting.
I am sorry that you are dealing with chronic pain, three children and then an adult who is having trouble focusing on his recovery and health. Please keep posting.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
