Day 1 over and over and over and over again
 

It's taken me all morning to force myself to post this. I let myself down and all you lot and drank two bottles of wine last night. I tried to extricate myself from that relationship but didn't. Feel like a low-down, stinking worm with a hangover. Don't want to be honest with my sponsor. Want to hide.
Have an effing party tonight. Aaaaahhhhh. Trapped. Hate myself.

Call your sponsor. :wink3:

You didn't let us down and you won't be letting her/him down. Everyone is praying/hoping for you to succeed.

Absolutely everyone.

You have let yourself down.

What would you like to see happen?

We are so glad you came right back! That should tell you something about how much you want this!

I would like to be a lean, clean, yoga machine.

But apparently I think I can be that and have two bottles of wine and I am trying desperately to find a way to combine both. I am so happy I didn't buy any more this morning. I desperately want to be feeling better but I desperately don't want to feels pain or sad or anything.

I rang sponsor who's not in. Agony picking up the phone.

Would like to commit to meeting tonight but feel trapped by friends, can't say no to them. Aaaaahhhhhh

To get to the good part of sobriety there is some discomfort, Weev. Your brain has to adjust to feeling stuff. It does settle down, the intense emotions do subside in time. It does take time.

"Trapped by friends..." what does that mean?

You are so right about being an active alcoholic and having a difficult time staying lean. I am very concerned about staying thin, and so when I relapse, I gain about 5 pounds in a week! Getting on the scale and seeing this is a huge motivation to stop now before too much weight damage will be done. Staying sober allows me the luxury of being the weight I want to be.

you say you want to hide, yet will go to a party with friends, yet not an AA meeting...hhhhmmmm...
if you make staying sober #1 priority, yes you can say no to them and go to a meeting.
did you leave a message on your sponsors phone?
got any other numbers to call?

AA Thought for the Day
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing.

Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?

Meditation for the Day
I will discipline myself. I will do this disciplining now. I will turn out all useless thoughts. I know that the goodness of my life is a necessary foundation for its usefulness. I will welcome this training, for without it God cannot give me this power. I believe that this power is a mighty power when it is used in the right way.

Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may face and accept whatever discipline is necessary. I pray that I may be fit to receive God's power in my life.


p.s.
throw out the ass kikin machine. it aint helpin and ya.

I love that you say it how it is. You've all said something really important to me. Thank you.

I went (late) to meeting. It was so calm. People with years of sobriety and people with little time. Lots of silence. Found I was happy there with a bunch of strangers, all types of people. Imagine that party now. Complete opposite. I'm glad I'm not there.

I have a big book and homework on dr's opinion before bed plus things I'm grateful for. Going to bed sober.

Dog deeply and peacefully asleep across my lap as I type.

Good job Weev

I'm sorry you drank but it's good you've come right back.

I let my lack of confidence defeat me for years. Every time I made a new record for sober days I grew fearful of the uncharted territory.

The thing is... its not uncharted - thousands of people here and millions in AA have charted it - all you need to do is ask for help :)

Is there anyway you can deal with this in a more healthy way next time it arises?

Nows the time to start making a better plan Weev :)
D

Good for you. It's not easy in the beginning. For the first 6 months I think my only one mandate was don't drink. That was my chore. If I did just that and only that I succeeded that day. But getting sober is the best thing that's happened to me. Even when life's crappy I know one thing it would be worse if I was still drinking so when I think of that my life is a little bit better.

but feel trapped by friends, can't say no to them

i think i'd wanna review my definition of FRIENDS. and why you think they have such power over you. obviously they DO NOT because you picked up that 1,000 pound phone and called your sponsor, and you got yourself to a meeting. which is like seriously awesome......

thank you for helping me tonight! :You_Rock_
I also thanked my HP for answering a prayer.

p.s.
give the puppy a belly rub. its from the guy in my avatar.

That is one helluva happy dog! I'm gonna see if I can learn a bit and I'll post photo.

The last couple of posts brought a big smile to my face. Way to go weev! :) xx